by F28 on Wed Mar 27, 2013 9:23 am
The reasons why I havent been writing here lately are two. First I was doing pretty well a while. But it was not a 'real' 'doing well'. It was a period in which I just had more free time to hide away and do my things in my own pace, and when make up turned out well I could have lovely, great, normal days. The other days were more or less a waste, but manageable due to not having specific important tasks/responsibilities for the moment being, so denial could easily take over those days.
Now, things are getting a little bit more tricky. School's back up, daily fights against the face must be taken. Many battles are lost, anxiety kicks in. Thats why the past few weeks I have been my worst ever. Hopes have been lost, tears have been cried out in frustrating wishes for it all to end. But it cant end. As much as it cannot continue like this, it cant end either. I mean, really end, this life. I have to fight on, one more day, then one more day. Until I have the time to get the help that I need. I am going to get through this. I am going to get help. Having not yet tried psychotherapy, CBT, my hope lays there.
For now, I have to finish my tasks.
A few hundred more battles to loose. I can do it, I can take those losses.
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by F28 on Fri Mar 08, 2013 6:09 am
Wazup.
New semester, new hopes, new challenges, new season. I have managed pretty well for the past weeks/months, after some insights and personal realizations/revelations, self-criticism of the way my thoughts flow about other people, situations. Been able to recognize them, i have been able to control them, be more open minded and less judgmental towards the fellow humans walking in this world with me. Because we are all the same, and we walk beside each other, yet unfortunately away at distance from each other. Humbleness stoke me and I suddenly saw an individual in a person, opposed to before: a world filled with judgmental stereotyped evil people, thinking only the worse of me, and I of them. I got all rights to be myself and they have their rights to be them, and I accept them now. It is me who places thoughts into their mind (I decided that they judge me), judge them thereafter, take my distance and determine myself never to become friendly with them. But, they are just living their lives, with who knows how many battles fought and still fighting in this moment privately, to be where they are today. Every person has had it rough at some point, never forget that, never look at someone with judgment, because in the end, isn't that what you hate about others the most? Hate must stop now, for yourself, for people, for the environment, for your past, for your unsatisfactory/abusive childhood, for media, for mentality, for life.
I have great hopes for all BDD sufferers. You have all the strength already built within you. Don't tell yourselves that you don't have it, even if others did. You know best what you are capable of, stick to that, hold on to the good days, and let them be a reminder of hope for a happy, normal future life.
Tons of love to smart, sweet, cute personalities that I have come across on this forum.
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by F28 on Fri Feb 08, 2013 5:38 am
Dear diary, Its been long. Just want to update on the situation. Being in a hard exam-session keeps my focus outside of myself. This has helped the situation and gained hopes. Had a couple of good months, with weeks of minor relapses of stress in between. Trying to work with my mind and my negative/judgmental thoughts and allow myself to "fail" or letting go of the need to perform, the need to be best. Be "down" and among the rest. And be fine with "making a fool out of myself". Live and feel each moment. Feel and accept each emotion, as part of me, as part of life, and then move on, and leave it behind. Work with you thoughts friends, alter your way of thinking, there lays the problem. Actively be part of your thoughts and be aware of how they influence you, then take control and diverge them in the proper direction. You are in charge of them, entirely. It is going well now. It is going well. 
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by F28 on Sat Dec 22, 2012 2:08 am
Hello fellow..sufferers,
I been away a little now. Things are basically the same as they have been for the past months. After a minor breakdown a couple of weeks ago I snapped out of it and became a bit more normal since. Today I played with Restylane, a dermal filler for those who dont know. It was fun. Fun experiment. My lips are looking a little more full and its nice a very small difference, but definitely not changing my overall ugly look. Nonetheless, it was a fun occupation and it didnt hurt as I expected. I didnt have high hopes with it as there is nothing wrong with the lips I have. Next time Im going to seek for a face transplant, that seems as it would work better.
Have a nice week end.
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by F28 on Thu Nov 29, 2012 7:27 pm
Feels like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of sadness and hopelessness. I feel like I just need one big motivation or change, a shock, to shake the hell out of me. A few slaps to straighten me out. This self pity cant go on like this. Don't know what to dooooo?!?!? Can somebody just throw a ball in my head, slap me or just a big kick in the butt to snap out of it!!!!!!!!!!!
How did I become such a disabled mothafacka? How did I become so dependent? How come when its down to do things for myself I bail out? And as soon as there is somebody else in the picture, that gives me the kick to move my ass.
How can I learn how to live for ME? If we remove all close people in my life, to still be able to live life for ME. Where do we find that strength and that motivation to keep fighting, only for ourselves? Because I think that is the key to my problem.
You like, you love, you appreciate gifts you have, you feel special and wonderful. Until adulthood strikes and you suddenly start feeling like you are replaceable, in every sense. I have started to feel more and more that my "job", or my purpose to those around me, friends and boyfriend, it can be taken away and replaced easily, and will be even better for them, because I feel like a burden to them more than beneficial.
How do I feel special again? How will I feel again that I can give my friends and boyfriend something that they cant get somewhere else?
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