Blah blah blah blah blah.

Meh.

I want to say something, anything. I don't think I know how. When I was little talking about things was a big no-no. It just wasn't done. Maybe because if I had talked people would have found out about what Father was doing to all of us in here. Maybe I'm just not good at talking. I can blah blah blah about random crap until pigs fly but the important things? Nah they stay in my head never to be heard.

Right now I don't even know what I'd say. I want to cut until I bleed out but there's no one thing that makes me want to do it, I want to neck pills until I pass out and don't wake up but again I couldn't tell you why if my life depended on it. Haha well if my life depended on it I wouldn't tell you why anyways but I guess that's not the point.

Even now I'm babbling. I'm not saying anything 'real' or 'important', I'm just spouting whatever comes to my mind. Maybe this is the best way to write. Just type and see what comes out but then I go on tangents and never get anywhere. What's the point in fighting? I'm agoraphobic, have severe anxiety and there are others in this body with me yet no one seems to be able to help with any of that. "Get over it" people say. "Just stop cutting and stop having panic attacks."

HA!

I've had these problems for as long as I can remember. Granted I don't remember much from before I was 16 or so and even between then and now is patchy but the things I do remember I know I've had these issues forever. The agoraphobia just got worse and worse over time and so has the anxiety. I'm meant to be going to my GP soon about the screening tool results for dissociative disorders that the guy from the Pottergate Center mailed to her, but I'm terrified.

Part of me is scared about them telling me it's nothing and I'll be fine, another part is scared of them taking it seriously and me having to talk about $#%^ that I have been trying to bury for years.

Yay rambling again. Guess I should stop now before I really do tangent. Plus my fingers are numb from the cold.

Stay safe all.
Dark xx

I still feel numb. I don't know why I am typing, I don't know why I feel the need to talk random crap when I barely even feel anything. I guess I'm hoping that if I just keep typing then maybe I'll have some big revelation and everything will start to make sense. I barely feel anything now. I've been in much worse situations than I am now and things have never been like this before. The only thing I feel is the urge to cut and the thought that I should just go to sleep and not wake up again.

I'm kinda scared. I've never felt this bad before. My arm and leg are covered in cuts (it's looks like I've been in a fight with Freddy Krueger ) and I don't even really understand why. I feel the urge, the want the need and it just won't go away. My fail-safe has kicked in... I'm sleeping all the time and barely eating and I just don't care. I don't know what to do. I'd ask for help but no one seems to understand. No one believes that I'm having all these feelings or lack of as the case seems to be. Everything is made up, it's all in my head.

I don't know if I should even care about trying to fix this $#%^. It's all so hard to deal with even though I can't figure out any of the reasons behind it. My others are yelling at me and I want to look after them but I don't know how I can. I'm just a burden to everyone around me and I'm not fit to look after anyone in my system especially the littles.

Anyway that's all for my rambling today I guess, my brain is like a big pile of mush so I shall stop and try again when my thoughts are a little more ordered.

Dark.

The others in here are either quiet or screaming at me. Kiana is trying to take over so I don't cut again like I did today but I just can't seem to let her do it. Maybe I should, maybe it would be good for me to go inside for a few days and let her run the show but there is alwways something that stops me from letting her or any of the others do it. Maybe I'm too much of a control freak. Maybe I don't want to stop hurting.

*trigger*
I keep getting flashes of memories from when we were younger. Being 2 or 3 and crying and our Father hitting us and saying that now we had something to cry about. Being 4 and looking after the newborn baby sister because Mother was ill and Father was too busy with work. Being maybe 7 after Father had left and him coming into our room at his new house at night when he would... touch... I can't even put it into words. It's all kinda hazy but it all fits.
*end trigger*

I just can't deal with this stuff. I was never all that happy as a kid and I've hated my Father since I was young... guess now I know why. I wish I could tell someone but I can't even write down what happened, how am I meant to tell someone? The worst thing is, every time I have to talk to him he wants to know when I'm next going back for a visit and all I want to do is cry and never have to go. I want to cut and keep cutting until I'm pouring with blood, I want to go to sleep and not wake up so I don't have to deal with these things. It's just a shame no one understands.

The others in here understand why I'm upset, but they're not happy with how I'm dealing with things. Well some aren't. Kiana wants to take over to protect us, Sadie, Jez, Alice and Web just want to help somehow, Raiyne is trying to keep everyone in check and Emmy is constantly terrified and crying because she's the one sharing these memories. I wish I knew what to do, how to make it better or hurt less so I can take care of them all but I just don't know.

Dark xx

How strange it is to find myself numb yet again. I know I should care, I know I should want to be feeling things but it's nice in a way. My laughter is just a noise, I feel no joy, no glee. I want to cry but no tears will come, if I could scream and shout I would but my voice won't seem to let me. I wish I could talk but somehow I can't. Those on the inside are ggoing quite or yelling at mme and I want to keep them all safe but how can I resist these urges? Distractions and alternatives stopped working for me long ago so I'm on pure will power alone here and I don't know how much longer it will hold out.

I know I'm writing the same thing over and over again but maybe one time it will help some.

Dark xx

Yet again we find ourselves in a large mess with no way of getting out of it. I want to cut and cut and cut some more and when I don't want to do that I want to go to sleep and never wake up. People have always told me that I'm such a strong person and that I can get through anything, but I don't think I can gget through what I'm remembering. Some people think that getting memories from alters happens through therapy, you have to work at it... it seems to me right now that for me there are just some things the littles can't hold on to so they're passing them to me, or at least sharing them.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like I need help but no one ever listens to me so what's the point? No one takes me seriously when I tell them I'm struggling or am getting those old thoughts of not wanting to wake up. I'm at a loss. I don't even know why I'm writing this when I want to be locked away somewhere cutting. I know it's only a matter of minutes until everyone else is asleep and then nothing will be there to stop me.

Gah I'm just a total mess and I can't even tell my friends why. I can't let them know what I'm remembering I just can't. Guess this was just rambling, maybe it will help, maybe it won't but it's worth trying isn't it?

Dark xx