I deleted the app today elusive man
and with it the tiny beacon of hope
the string that tethered me to you
snapped by the pain of a broken heart

For me it marks a turning point and notch
I doubt you will register the change
unaware of my leaving , and neither care
for you left months ago in greater absences

It took me weeks to come to this point
my finger hovering over a self-destruct button
too scared to take the step that ends the ride
stuck to the false notion I still mean something

For I am nothing to you now, a nobody
just an inconsequential annoyance
moving out and on and away and gone
while I cling to the last vestiges of love

I feel so sad and empty I can't stand it
and even as I lock the doors behind me
my thoughts remain and dwell on you
sitting in my brain like an unmovable rock

Get out, please I need you to get out
it isn't fair that I should obsessively pine
while you walk away with nary a backward glare
Cruel,Cold and confident like a beautiful demon.

- Biggirlscry

Today I need to be punished
today I pushed the envelop and sent it over the edge
today I hurt someone, and destroyed their life
today I want to feel the just retribution
today I need your degradation
today I crave your judgement
today I want no sympathy
today I want your disgust
today I want you to hurt me
today I need the pain only you can give me
today I want you to give me the humiliation I can't seem to give myself
today I lay bare my heart and soul and ask you to plunge a sword into it
hurt me, wound me, kill me, hate me because I can't seem to do enough of that myself today.
I need you to do it for me......

Your emotional world is a tropical afternoon on a sandy beach on a perfect day. You swim close to shore and wade with careful steps into calm waters that lap at your ankles, and warm or cool your toes, immersing yourself as far or as close as you care to tolerate. An idyllic existence that you control with nary a thought for it's ease....

My emotional world is a tippy canoe in a tropical storm in the middle of the ocean. I can't see the shore, I can't do much of anything but hang on for dear life and ride each resounding wave wondering if this one will be my last. I'm terrified, but for the moment resilient, but the longer the storm rages, the weaker I get and if the Coast guard doesn't show up soon, drowning will be bliss.

Salvation at last and relief comes !.... so thankful for the rescue friend, see you again tomorrow?

.... until one day the Coast Guard gets fed up, and doesn't show up because even heros get tired of braving tropical storms on a regular basis, some lives aren't worth the danger, and that will be the day Yemaya takes her daughter home.

Borderline Personality Disorder women aren't just crazy... the struggle is real.

I am a wild thing and you can't control me
I may let you pet and pamper me,
I may even let you slip a collar round my neck,
if I am infatuated and drunk on the drug of love,
But don't for a moment delude yourself that
you have domesticated me,
For I eventually will feel the constraints
of your leash and knaw through the ties that bind,
and even bite the hand that feeds me,
for I will always be the wild thing that
needs to run free, that runs in the dark
and howls at the moon,
and if you treat me well and gain my trust
I will come back from my forays in the wild unknown
to seek the solace of your binds again,
until the next time the darkness calls my name.
For I am a wild thing and you can't control me,
you can only hold me for as long as I let you.

I have been banished
relegated by the Mute button to an inconsequential knat
stripped of my agency to garner your attention
my voice silenced and sequestered like a seditious whore

your whore
the one that was and wants to be
the one that grovels upon bloodied knees
and grasping palms to await your indulgence

my raging impotence that was
reduced to pleading desperation of the shameless
locked away from your perview
by your angry silence and rejection

for I am but a veiled persistence
heating the chill of your heart with inconsistent effort
haunting the dead space of your deletion
like paranormal activity in the house of your mind

The control you wield with your silence
noticing and dismissing with nothing but two blue checks
days beyond the pleading rant and desperate hope
assuring me of your mythological rule.

I but a ghost in the machine
a haunting spector of times past
stuck beyond a blocked wall of digital current
waiting for my resurrection from the Hades of your heart.

Heathcliff, it's me I'm Cathy I've come home....