Ashe (Host)

In the last week that I can remember.

Inner feelings of dread related to storms (severe weather too close for comfort). Also moments of feeling like I'm being pulled backwards or losing the ability to move. Moment of shock as I glanced in a mirror Raven's voice of that's not me. It's jarring.

Raven (She/her) (caretaker) while cocon has helped with chores, but we are struggling with energy. We had a rough week of severe storms (a trigger), and I didn't realize how taxing it was on the system until I knew I had DID. So we struggled for a few days with energy management and feeling sick and drained. And she had to help inside, so we couldn't lean on her for comfort as much as I have been. Took us a whole three days to recover fully.

Yuka (he/him/they) (caretaker? Gatekeeper? Not sure what his title would really be) Came out to give Raven a break. Took a more forward control than Raven which was a little trippy. Yuka has the leadership role in our system. I don't usually have access to him as he is internal, and Chaos relays news to him. He has absolute say in who can front and who has access to the innerworld. Most knowledge of the innerworkings in our system of all the alters I am aware with. He is like a cold, calm, ever confident, yet kind reassurance. Being co con with him felt like meditation, mixed with a perfect room temperature, and peace. It was... ethereal. I cannot picture him, but it's more like a feeling. He doesn't feel like it's a good idea to have me in the innerworld, but he informed me that it is mostly a large library, though he also described a garden area, and a darker place for 'time outs' and alters who chose or need isolation. As well as individual rooms for the alters in the system. I felt honored to be given the information that I was previously kept in the dark for the safety and security of the system. Feels like trust I hope I deserve.

Chaos (he/they) (gatekeeper/protector?)- He came up to co-con with me. He comforted me and promised to help me stay safe as fatigue and womanly things were getting to me really bad. Chaos likes pain, and actually handles some of our constant autoimmune pain that I was unaware of. He also expressed concern that our monthly cramps becoming more severe in the last three months. So I'm writing it down to remember.

Reese (he/him)- (protector) Answered a question of if I can really count my condition as DID if I seemed to be the only one in control of the front, by taking control while I was co-con. He dared me to take control back and I couldn't. It was both validating and intimidating to essentially watch and feel the body as someone else moved and controlled us. I'm aware it happened in the past, but it was a triggering situation. It felt a little bit like he was testing my reaction to being out of control without a trigger. Also came forward to help with a few tasks like grocery shopping (we forgot things on our list despite writing it down because he prioritizes our comfort and safety over accuracy >.<) since Raven was needed elsewhere and I was struggling with concentration and triggered feelings.

Pheonix? (she/her?) (co-con) (-Previous host with trauma memories.) Still deciding her name since she is aware she is a part of a whole and doesn't want to use the body's legal name- I was very much dissociated during this. It was approved by Chaos and Yuka as long as she fronted under Reese's supervision. With three people up front I sort of tapped out. I vaguely remember the foggy room I used to see Arcanus in before he fused. Chaos was there. This room isn't really part of the inner world more like a space created for me to pull back for a moment. Also the place I store my filing cabinets of information (mostly book related but has in the past been used for customer service skills and scripted conversations in my jobs and social life) I was aware of the body drawing, but I can't remember us doing it for the most part. She also co-conned a little to write....

[ Continued ]

Ashe (Host)

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Introspection is hard anyway, but harder still when there are hard truths about yourself and your life that you aren't sure you are ready to face. It is amazing to me that out of 5 different therapists and almost 30 years worth of familial relationships and friendships, it was tiktok that has helped me more than anything.

Let me explain. I recently had a memory of one of our alters therapy sessions as a teenager. It was triggered by a neurodivergent tiktok that appeared on one of our accounts. The previous host (let's call her Pheonix because she hasn't chosen a name separate of the body yet and Raven really likes the name for her) brought up to the therapist at the time, that she thought we were autistic. She had done some research (albeit limited information existed at the time). The therapist ignored her, and labelled her Bipolor because she made the mistake of saying she had good days and bad days. This therapist did a lot of damage to our relationship with our stepdad.

With this realization, I have taken the Raads-r test and all the suggested quizzes that go with it and scored very heavily on the You have a strong possibility of having autism. My Raads-r was 159 (if I remember right) More so, it makes a lot of the things I got in trouble for in the past make sense.

One of the first things I decided to do, was I stopped suppressing my stims. Having said that, I have found out that too much stimming triggers another alter to come forward, and I have no idea who it is or if it is different ones. It feels like a little and gives the same energy as Giggles, but the emotion hits so hard and fast I don't have time to ask. Then it's gone. A lot to learn. A lot to process.

It's been a long week.

I have been trying to be consciously aware of my dissociating. It's hard. I have a playlist for Raven that helps her stay up and co-con. She enjoys doing chores and such, and I hate it because we don't have a lot of energy/live in constant pain. Raven and I have been co-con on and off. I'm trying to devise a plan to help us keep track of missing time and/or voices and such.

I'm also trying the dissociation exercise to help me stay in the present.
I'm having a really hard time. I'm in more pain than normal today.

Ashe (Host)

We read the first chapter of Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation, but I have no memory of it. I'm guessing it was Raven or Chaos. I'll have to reread it. Interestingly enough this just proves to myself more that I have DID.

It's been raining all day today. Our system has a fear of thunderstorms so rain in general has them on edge, but it has thundered a little here and there. So I am mostly solo up here, to my knowledge. I do feel out of it, but I think Chaos is keeping everyone on lockdown. Sorry I'm not more talkative today, but I'm feeling egh today.

Dear Internet,
I am called Raven.
I started as a Caretaker (based on what Ashe has read of the roles of alters) of another alter. For her safety and comfort I will not say her name. The current host of our system is Ashe, and she recently confessed to Chaos that she can no longer do this alone. She needs help. She has a hard time giving up control of the front. She is brave. She doesn't feel brave, but she is. She has a hard time letting go of control. This is not only with fronting, but in life in general. She has always had to be in control. Careful measured reactions. Everyone needs someone they can go to when the weight of the world is on their shoulders, and she does not have anyone she felt she trust. I love to do things like chores and clean. I like to have things looking tidy and organized.

My hair is long and black. My eyes are also black, and my skin is extremely pale. I am taller than the body. I typically dress in black dresses, or white shirts/corsets with long black skirts. On a rare occasion I will wear red. Ashe is co-con and suggested that I answer some get to know you questions to help us know each other better.

1. Who is your hero? - I would not call her a hero, but I like Amy Lee's style and the woman from Within Temptation has a beautiful voice. Not sure if I have a hero.

2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?- a forest, with changing seasons and wolves. I love wolves and the night, so I would likely live in Alaska.

3. What is your biggest fear?- That I will lose someone I love to sadness, or fail to comfort the alters in our system.

4. What would you change about yourself if you could?- The past and the mistakes I have made.

5. What makes you angry?- Someone yelling or demeaning someone else. A raised voice should never be the answer.

She is sweet and has made a playlist of music she thinks I like. It is appreciated, and it does help me stay closer to the front. I spent a lot of yesterday giving her a break. She was co-con with me and did not realize it.

I hope everyone is having a beautiful night/day.
With Love,
Raven