I've mentioned these once before about me being a grammar Nazi. I still haven't thought about negative effects any more than usual (Constantly having the advice of several voices that you know you have created and can control but usually choose not to can be unhelpful sometimes, especially when you want to keep two ideas separate), but I did happen upon one recently while remembering a not so fond aspect of my childhood. Back when I was very young I routinely made a fool of myself trying to sound smart by using the largest words I could think of that adequately fit the sentence. I still do this, and when asking myself why, its because I still think of myself as an idiot. I know I am smart, I know I got a 1280/1600 on the SAT in 8th grade, but I still look at myself as stupid. I don't know why, it could have been something I got into the habit of back in primary school and never quite abandoned, it could be because a lot of my memories from early childhood were of me doing things that at the time or shortly after I knew were stupid, but I did them anyway. It could be because I make more small mistakes than anyone I've ever met. And somewhere in there I think using larger, rarer, more complex words will make up for that, when I also know that everyone else who's met me in real life thinks of me as smarter than I myself do.

Also, on the topic of my last post, thinking about it again, I have another explanation of where my seeming lack of emotion comes from (when I post on the forums, I abridge this to just lack of emotion to save time, but I get a lot of flak for my "self certainty" in something others say is highly improbable, even after I insist that I don't consider it a certainty.) Back when I was young, when I would become sad, bored, or angry, instead of working it out on something, I'd try focusing on it, suppressing it. Or I'd sometimes try kindling it, but that was much less common and always ended quickly. Maybe this is just a long-term subconcious suppression? I don't know, but as I've said with all my other explanations, if it's true, I prefer it this way.

I couldn't think of a subject for what I wanted to write like I normally do, so I let some words descriptive of what this will hopefully contain and wrote it down before I could overthink it.

Whenever I say something about myself, unless it is a direct observation or a few simple jumps from one, then I am not at all certain. I have many explanations that seem to fit the given circumstances, I just write down whatever one I believe is most likely at the time. Take my current situation for instance, can't really feel emotions and I never really cared about anyone a normal person would have (parents, siblings, friends. I do mean always, I have memories of being a very small child wondering what I meant when I said "I love you" to my parents, and when I noticed that I didn't care for them any more than a friend, my thoughts were "Well, no reason to look weird, I should keep acting like normal. Maybe its just an age thing anyway"). Its a situation with many factors, and thus has many explanations. One of the ones I've thought of recently was because I had an overly active imagination. Not just that though, that's fairly normal. Strangely, one of the favorite things for my imagination to show me was me dying. I'd be on the second floor of a building, have a free moment to think, what thoughts come? The floor collapsing beneath me, the ceiling crushing me, me leaning over that balcony and slipping/getting pushed off and breaking my neck. In a lot of cases involving shifty looking people suddenly attacking or large structural collapses, there was no shortage of collateral damage (also this caused me to be deathly afraid of rollercoasters. All I would see when riding them is various parts of the track/supports breaking). By the time I got better control of my imagination and learned how to mute various thoughts, I was desensitized to death, both of others and myself. I still do see my death a lot today, but it almost always involves falling, and I can usually stop it pretty early on.

Keep in mind this is in no way definitive, I have a habit of finding a detail and making huge connections that may or may not be true. Also when I play things out in my mind I tend to get the worst reasonably likely situation.

I'm a big grammar Nazi. I like to correct other people's grammar as well as my own, (up to a point, if it's wrong but sounds 100% correct, I'm fine with that and will even say sentences like that). If it doesn't seem like that, it's because I type everything on a tablet, which not only is it harder to type on, but also has weird glitches, (like a fairly empty spellcheck dictionary, and how it won't put a space or a comma in the 400th or something character slot in a paragraph). I wondered why recently right after wondering why I cringe and feel very strange when someone else does something I find embarrassing. Like I'll be watching TV alone and see a commercial for the next useless waste of money kids toy, and when it's geared towards children in a barney sort of way I visibly cringe as I feel my entire upper body encased in a tingly numbess for a second. Or if a child is acting incredibly immature I'll feel as if I were sitting on a stage somewhere in front of many people screaming and yelling. That last one might just be since I don't like attention, even cursory attention that you get by being someone else in the same room as a particularly noticeable event, like a child screaming or a disturbing news story. I finally put the dots together that I just feel immature whenever I hear something I consider immature (which ranges anywhere from a child acting like a child to someone near me being idealistic), and that I've always considered proper grammar a strong indication towards maturity. After that it's just another small step to get to the point that I try and speak properly to mask that feeling of immaturity, which feels remarkably similar to a lot of unwanted attention.

How do I deal with other people? I guess I phrased that wrong, but I may as well answer: in general, if they're serving me no purpose then callous and apathetic. Otherwise I put on a smile face and act like I could actually care. What I meant to ask is, how should I deal with other people? Most importantly, eye-contact. I tend to have an expressionless, unblinking stare, and I don't want people to think that I'm staring them down. I also don't want to stare somewhere else and make them think I'm ignoring them. I usually settle for an awkward staring at a point 1/2 a foot from their face, frequently nodding and occasionally sneaking a tiny glance at their eyes. If someone who you were talking to seems completely numb to the world, but constantly staring at you with no blinking, would you feel intimidated? I don't really want that, but I think that's what other people think when i look at them.

Also, how can I tolerate people better? I have no respect for them whatsoever, but it would help my remaining time living with them if I can stand to be around them for an extended period of time.

Short post, can't think of that much else to say, it's 2am here so give me a break.

I briefly mentioned music, and that brief amount is all there is to it for me. Almost every song I've ever heard bores me since my mind automatically breaks it down removing any sort of challenge/point to listen to it. Most of the ones that don't fit into that category are horrible calamities of noise that I wouldn't stay within earshot of. However, one song, yadda, yadda, All the Right Moves, One Republic, Puts me in a state of calm, only non-clatter song I've heard that my mind can't break down. When I was watching Elementary (A cop show loosely based off of Sherlock Holmes, with modern times, rich father, and Sherlock is an ex-drug addict while Watson is an ex-surgeon woman who lost a patient, couldn't go on with that job, so she became a sober companion. One time while he was at an AA meeting, he was explaining how everything he sees anyone do is just data, and that drugs were his form of escape from that. I'm definitely not even close to that, but I do see patterns almost everywhere. Maybe this song for me is like drugs for him? I notice when I listen to the song, my mind doesn't even bother trying to separate the instruments and remember each one, it just shuts up and listens. Maybe the reason I enjoy the song is that I finally have one less thing grabbing at my attention. Usually, even when I fall asleep I'm actively thinking something through when I spontaneously pass out on the bed, but with it, if I don't move at all, relax every muscle, make it so I don't hear anything else, there's no movement in front of me and I close my eyes, the only things in my mind are the song and whatever I consciously decide to think of. There's nothing trying to show me the pattern in the story I'm reading, how obvious the ending to this show is, why I even bother reading/watching stories if I can already tell what the ending will probably be like by 1/20th the way through. There's just a song and me. As close to just me as I've gotten so far.