I've been up for 21 hours. I think it was worse a couple days ago when I was up for close to 48 hours. I slept 12 hours in between the 48 hour streak and the 21 hour streak Don't really know what that means. I can feel my eyelids are tired, my body is tired, my ass hurts from sitting in this particular spot but I just can't find myself to shut off my brain just yet. I've been spiraling downward steadily for the last few weeks, yet again. I hit my lowest point last week and stayed in bed for a week. Now i'm up and about but I can't identify what i'm feeling--it's some convoluted mix of elation and inflated ego with ideas of being devilish or urges to be the evil in the world. I crave power and destruction and I want to be the nightmare everyone wishes they could wake up from. I'd never be violent towards anyone or anything unless i'm being physically attacked. I just think being the devil would make me happy. Is that weird? It sounds like something people would think is weird.

Perfect song lyric as I write this: "I might just explode, my mind in sick mode and I can't control my. . . hunger . . . In my wicked soul all kind of $#%^ grows and I just expose my . . . hunger..." #TechN9ne

This is why I tell people writing saves my life. With fiction pieces I can branch off the sick parts of my personality into sick characters who people then despise instead of me--it's the perfect ruse You can express thoughts, feelings, ideals, irrational philosophy out the eyes of a character and people will complement you on the depth you've developed. But dear God, don't hint the dark parts of your characters came from your actual self because then you're a psychopath. Go figure, I guess.

Then again, I've always been intrigued by power. I hated being under the orders of incompetent supervisors and managers, all of which thought I was useless anyway, and i'll always hate being under the orders of someone else. If I do it myself I know i'm doing it right--if I do it their way, God knows what could go wrong. They could ask me to set a book on a shelf and the whole goddamn place could fall through the floor to the pits of hell. ###$ that. I'd rather screw myself over than let someone else screw me over.

I guess that's why I'm going for my M.D. Before I even knew what college was I wanted to attend Musicians Institute and get contracted with a studio band. After that I switched my plans and wanted to get my Ph.D in English and live my life as a recluse like J.D Salinger pumping out the books and racking in the dough (not that he did a lot of that, but in today's society I could pull it off). After that fiasco I wanted to get my Ph.D in Physics. Then I discovered psychology and wanted to get my Ph.D in Neurophysics. Now I want my M.D in psychiatry. I NEVER settle for second best. I push through a lot of ailments for this. I sacrifice a lot of peace. But I refuse to be a goddamn statistic on some psychology statisticians journal article. I took statistics. It's stupid. It's. Stupid. There are too many ways to manipulate it.

People laugh at me all the time because i'm a contradiction: I can't stand conformity yet i'm going through such lengths to get a degree, a little piece of paper that tells everyone I'm an expert. Yes, in fact, i'm conforming in order to have a little piece of paper that tells everyone i'm more of an expert than the guy below me. You can't make a difference in ANYTHING if you don't have power, and you won't get power with a bachelor's degree. Life is about strategy, society is a foundation of lies, and you're clambering up a ladder to a top that doesn't exist. But i'll be damned if I get trampled. Whether or not a top exists, i'm going for it.

I love the anti-psych forum, I think people there are incredibly insightful. They've gone through some horrific things in a system where a science has become a business. But I must admit, many are bias. They've only experienced one part of this system. They have every right to be pissed off, disgusted, and they have every right to be biased. But I'll tell you one thing right now--bias changes nothing. Rants change nothing. Blogs change nothing. If you don't have prestige, power, and expertise to back you up, you're wasting your anger and energy.

Depression ruined my last semester, but this coming semester I feel the inflated ego may take over again. It sure does convince me I'm smart, and the smarter I think I am the better I do, subsequently. The placebo effect works wonders.

I read a lot of philosophy and how Hume relates the emotionless quality of reason to emotion; reason is a blockage for things like sympathy and empathy because reason is not a slave to the passions. You can understand a concept without being emotional attached to it. In fact, that's how philosophy should be read. If you try and go into it with a mind filled with your own opinions and your own emotional understanding of reality, you're going to end up like half the kids in my past philosophy classes--a failure. If you can understand currency is just a piece of paper we place value on, then you'll have a better chance at understanding Descarte and his thought experiments. Sometimes I wished we could live a life full of only reason without complications of emotion and sometimes I wish emotion ruled our senses in the way we wanted them to. We can't ever seem to find the right balance.
I don't even know what i'm talking about anymore