I was in the psych ward and I think i tried to escape, literally running so hard into the thick security locked doors that they would part for me (i'm not a small girl ) I made it all the way to the lobby before they caught me.

And then they dragged me back to the adult unit and threw me in a solitary room where i proceeded to try to ram my way through that door for 45minutes. I even got told by the tech that i would make a hell of a linebacker for football if i decided to. That just made me go harder. Renewed my sense of purpose in breaking down that damn door.

They kept asking periodically if i would take something to help me calm down and I'm very against being drugged so I just kept telling them "no" maybe a "f**k no" ocasionally

But i wasn't calming down and I wanted out. So eventually they came in with a needle full of haldol and ativan to calm me down.

As soon as they opened the door I rushed them, trying to break past them. No go, there's like 6 of them and everyone's grabbing me and i'm struggling, one guy get's behind me and grabs my arms and puts them behind my back so far i thought they would break! He dragged me back onto the bed in the solitary room and I still wasn't having it, still fighting them. I'm not sure how but we wound up in a stalemate, me just sitting there while he was hurting me.

And I let him, because I'm a self harmer, and I wanted to be hurt. So I never told him he was hurting me, and my arms wen't numb eventually after about 10-15minutes in that position.

I think they got sick of it taking so long so they switched their technique and he let go of me so i would lie flat.

Then they got their way. I was injected, powerless, and soon to be under control again.

I remember laying there and crying, and a tech came up and started stroking my hair and asking if i was okay. But I never told them about the rape, so how could they have known not to hold me down like that?? As if it would have helped, they still would have had to.

After that all happened they put me on a high dose of ativan three times daily. I was drugged out of my mind for about a month (2 weeks in hospital, 2 at home). I don't remember much, and my mom tells me I looked like walking death. So she got me off of it.

I will never take a sedative willingly anymore. I don't care how out of control I am.