I find that working with my psychologist is very triggering at times. Which I think is a good thing, because it shows that we are touching upon the issues that need to be addressed.

I have revealed [u]everything[/u] to her. I told her in email that since I have done so, I feel extremely exposed and I feel a lot of shame for showing my face to her again. I don't know why.

The night I woke up, on thanksgiving night, when I came to the truth about myself and my narcissistic qualities fully emerged, it was the most painful experience of my life. Coming to the truth of who I really am as a person, and all of the inner conflicts that I have.

For instance, when I fully "emerged", I felt so inflated and so grandiose and haughty, it was almost limitless. It was very powerful.

All of these years I was a strong believer in god. I believed in his existence and his truth. I am so inflated, I realized that night that I am incapable of submitting to his authority, or any authority. Which caused me a lot of distress, because that basically means that I'm screwed for eternity.
I realized that I never cared about god and I don't. I just want eternal bliss and happiness and escape eternal torment. That is all that I care about.
But basically by not submitting to his authority, I am not saved, and therefore I'm f*cked.

Another conflict and the biggest one, is resolving the conflict between my inflated, grandiose self image and reality. I know they conflict.

When I got to know myself extremely well over those three months that I was emerged, it became clear that my self-image is so rigid and inflexible, and it is impossible for me to let go of it. I cannot see myself as anything but all good, and I can not admit that I am wrong. It is completely impossible.

So how, as a narcissist, with my feelings, that can not be wrong, resolve the conflict with reality that says that my self-image is wrong? But it is absolutely impossible for me to let go of myself, and the thought of doing so, terrifies me.

I have extreme black and white thinking. Very all or nothing thinking. In my mind, there can be only one truth. Which creates a major conflict, and is a threat to my self-image, and my very existence. That is one area that I spent a lot of time validating myself on. That I cannot help the way that I feel, that this disorder is not my fault and I am therefore not at fault.
These feelings are very real and are not fake. It is my sense of self. But I cannot handle opposing views to my self image. It is very threatening.

Just like one of the articles in my sig says, that due to inner conflict and guilt, coverts suppress all awareness of their narcissistic qualities. Just like what happened to me.

Then the last conflict. I don't want to touch upon it that much, because I'm very sensitive. But it's that I basically can't handle being unacceptable to others. Because I have so desperately needed to be validated and confirmed by others nearly my entire life.
The kind of person that I really am, that I cannot deny, would probably be considered unacceptable to most people, and therefore I wouldn't get that validation and confirmation (supply) that I need so much.

It's precisely what happened the night that I woke up. The very first thought out of my mind was that nobody would ever accept me for my true self.

My psychologist asked me, what am I afraid would happen if I never got supply again? I had to think about it for a couple of days before I finally found the answer. I think I am afraid I will stop existing.

When I don't get supply (attention, affirmation, validation, praise, approval, etc), I get severely depressed, feel invisible, unnoticed, unimportant, and feel like I have no existence.

So those conflicts alone cause me a lot of distress.