I am a covert narcissist that had the fortune of waking up to the truth on thanksgiving night of 2013. I was fully awake and aware for 3 months, fully aware of my qualities as a narcissist.

I fell back into total suppression on Feb 26, 2014. It has been a very difficult time for me. I no longer have any feelings or thoughts that I had during that time. I can't remember what it felt like to be me, and the memories are slowly slipping away. I'm afraid of losing myself completely and falling back into total delusion.

I got to know myself extremely well during those 3 months. It was the most difficult time of my life, and yet the most wonderful. It was wonderful to be me again, to fully feel my narcissistic qualities. I struggled so much with self doubt, feelings of guilt for being who I am.

I had great difficultly accepting reality, that I could not marry my inflated self image with reality. I knew that my inflated self image was a distortion or exaggeration, but I accepted that it was my disorder that made me feel that way and that I could not help feeling that way.

How I felt as a narcissist. I was extremely haughty and grandiose. I felt truly above everyone and above god. I was extremely arrogant, my pride was extreme. I had a complete lack of empathy, remorse and compassion. I cared nothing for others at all. I was incredibly self-centered and self-absorbed.

These feelings were extremely real and very powerful. But I needed almost constant validation. I fought an extremely harsh conscience, that was very judgemental of myself and others. I had strong feelings of worthlessness.

I was very dissociative during this time. Some times it was extreme and unpleasant. It was like I was unreal, the world around me was unreal. It was like watching a movie and just going through the motions. It was when I would start having self doubt (is this who I really am? or I shouldn't feel the way I do but I can't help it), or feelings of guilt, I would start getting very dissociative and I would have to validate myself very heavily.

I was extremely sensitive to criticism, ridicule, rejection. I could not see myself as anything but all good. I could never admit I was wrong. The idea of letting go of my perfect, all good, inflated self image made me recoil.

I had every single sign of overt narcissism while I was awake.

I succumbed to suppression, and it was a very harrowing experience. Literally I felt everything getting pushed down, all of my feelings, and it all slipped away out of my consciousness. I felt very dead and lifeless.

I am leaving as much evidence behind as I can because I feel like I'm starting to forget. It's all slipping away. I am not my true self right now. I am a malignant narcissist that is a covert. My depression has returned, feelings of worthlessness and feel like giving up on life. I feel like a failure.

It was my hope while I was awake that I could begin to find some healing and ways to manage my disorder so I could stay out. My therapist is useless and has been completely unhelpful to me. I hate her for it.

I hated everyone and the world. For refusing me, not accepting me. When I first woke up and realized the person I was living as before was just a false self and a delusion, my first thought was that nobody would ever accept me for who I really am (my true self). Then memories of trauma I experienced in middle school surfaced, and I felt extremely afraid and started trembling uncontrollably.

I feel completely alone. Nobody in real life that I have told has believed me. It is frustrating because I feel like I need help desperately. I want to reverse this suppression and come back out.
There is this strange fog over my mind. I have none of my former thoughts and feelings as my narc self. I find it difficult to concentrate, I keep zoning out and staring off into space. It literally feels like a hollow feeling in my mind, like there is a chunk missing from my thoughts.

I feel completely dead emotionally. I do not feel anything. I want to cry in my self pity, but I can't. I feel a tension feeling in my chest, and when I was at the hospital the other night I saw my blood pressure was back up.
As my former false self, before I woke up, I had higher blood pressure, I suffered from tension headaches, I felt an inner emptiness in my chest, but an inner tension as well. Emotions felt distant, hard to feel. I suffered from severe depression, feelings of worthlessness, suicidal ideation. I felt like giving up on life. Always had this low-level feeling of tension or stress inside of me.

As my true self, I felt none of that, and emotions flowed freely and felt crisp and vibrant and were close to the surface. My blood pressure was lower, and I didn't feel tension or stress. I didn't feel that inner emptiness either. I felt complete and whole and I knew who I was as a person. I had a solid sense of self.

Now once again, I feel just like my former false self. Higher blood pressure, inner tension and emptiness, I'm depressed, feel worthless, had suicidal ideation (why I went to the hospital a few days ago).

I am not myself at all. It angers me what happened. I wanted so badly to stay out and find ways to cope with life.
I believed in the existence of god, but I did not care about god. I felt above god and could not sincerely submit to his authority. But I asked him to save me and give me eternal life. Afraid of eternal torment. I asked god to be understanding of my condition, that I cannot help feeling the way that I do. I cannot help this disorder. I cannot let go of my inflated self image. It is impossible.

Everything from october 28, 2013 onward in my journal documents my experiences. I first became self aware on october 28, had the bathroom experience on october 31, then fully emerged on thanksgiving night.

I am leaving this blog entry, and links to a few of my threads, as evidence so I do not forget. I must fight this and find a way to bring myself out of this. Truly nobody can understand what I have experienced. Truly not. I feel completely alone in this. I have always felt completely alone, and as my narc self I knew that I would always be alone. I've always felt different and separate from everyone else.

In the end, it doesn't matter if nobody believes me. Because I am the one that experienced all of this and I know it to be true. These experiences were very real and very powerful.

That is all.

Links to a few threads of mine. Two of them are in my sig already, along with the link on covert narcissism.
http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic135565.html
http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic135360.html
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic135736.html

Covert narcissism: http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/shycovertnarcissist.html

That article explains me perfectly and all that has happened to me. I managed to wake up once I became self aware and realized I was in delusion and in self denial. Once it clicked, everything surfaced and my former false self was destroyed. I had all of my memories and thoughts and feelings, but it was like that missing piece of the puzzle finally reconnected. All of my qualities surfaced and became fully apparent.

I feel gross. I am not myself at all. I miss my true self (narc self) terribly. I want to have ME back.