Okay can't post about suicide. Noted.

Not feeling any better so I know my decision is right. Not too long to wait now. Maybe I shouldn't have told my mental health facilitator though. I'm worried she'll section me. We'll see I guess.

Right now all I want to do is jump on a train and travel down to Skegness, search every bar until I find my mother and sit her down to try and get answers. If I get no where then slap her in the face. I know I can't talk right now as I'm ploughed but I need to know how/why she became an alcoholic. What the hell happened with Mike? I can't ask Lyle I don't think he'd answer me. Was the violence my fault? Did my father not want me? Why didn't she leave him after he tried to kill me? I just don't get it.

I'm struggling with all of the memories from the sexual abuse too. My fiance's mum was raped over a year a go and only told us early this year and is just getting help for it. She is getting help which is fantastic but it triggers me really badly. I hate even referring to it as "abuse". I guess I am still kind of brainwashed as in my head it is labeled under "###$ up love". I'm trying to understand without blaming him. I just want to make excuses for him. STILL! I blame myself for not being over it. It was years ago. Even my fiance says I should be over it by now but I still feel uncomfortable saying that 4 letter R word... I know I said it earlier on but that's about someone else.

My jaw hurts. Damn wisdom teeth. Wisdom not included.

Peace out.