Lately things have been quite trying on me my T ditched me for not progressing as fast a she wanted so i was aparently i was being uncooperative i had to explain to her that she was askibg me to undo a 15 years on surpressed emotion anger and resentment on comand on a post i made yesterday i likend it to trying to unlock an old rusted lock or trying to push a door marked pull.
The bigest issue is she didnt know what i have locked away all these years and i wish i didnt.
Iwas always told to stay calm not to let it show when im upset and never lash out phisically or verbally so i didnt i held it all in and kept it to myself all through my teens in school taking every insult every beating and never saying a word my mother eventually move my schooling rather than confrount the school and even now at 24 i still stay quiet and take it, i stil dont show my emotions to the outside world only these posts really show any of that.
As dramatic as it sounds im sick of wareing a mask hiding how i really feel but its so deeply engrained i dont really renember how not to hide it.