So what's going on with me today?

Well, been dealing with the loss of that friend who lives downstairs. Sort of moving through the stages of grieving on it... first hurt and sad, then angry, now sort of moving into acceptance. Normally I would nosedive into depression over something like this and dwell on what a messed up crappy person I must be to not be able to keep friends. Not doing that this time. Not really angry... just think being judged by supposed friends is crappy. Trying not to think about it all the time but that's hard... I'm a dweller and overanalyzer. So everyday I manage to distract myself with activities, but my brain interjects thoughts of the missing beau and now the friend who nixxed me. How is it that you can logically be ok with something but your emotions just keep tugging at you? I so so so hate that about myself.... I can "know" something, but "feel" differently... like I'm one huge walking contradiction. Grrrrrr. Oh well... focus on the positive and the friends who have stuck with me. All I can do.

Three days into the classes. Fun to have some brain activity. Not fun to feel like an intelligent dummy. The one class I'm taking is using a textbook that, IMO, is a couple levels above what the class is supposed to be. So I have to read the materials slowly, take notes and try to digest the concepts. So it's a bit challenging. Yep, grabbin' that spoon! Gotten this week's assignments done and need to do a bit more reading and working ahead so that I can go visit my brother in Aug for a week and have my work already done. Being a procrastinator... read a little, get bored, check this board and play around. Distractions, distractions.

So what else is running through the swampy brain atm?

Feeling like I need to socialize. I'm not a social bird... never have been. Used to really bother me when I was young that I was not "popular." Spent my teen years focused on the fact that I didn't have a lot of friends and was one of those "fringe" people in school... not in the popular crowd; not in the outcast crowd. Sort of got over that in adulthood with an "I don't care" attitude. Not a bad attitude, per se, but finally quit focusing on how many friends I had and focused on the quality of friends I've had. Since I moved here (a year ago) I've had some rough emotional times (unable to get a job in my old field, not fitting in with the crowd of former military friends who DO have jobs here, deciding to go back to school and go off on my own path). Part of me is ok with not really having a social crowd... my focus right now is school, not what bar I'm going to hang out at this weekend. But, while I'm very ok with sort of keeping to myself and doing my own thing, part of me thinks I need to have SOME friends... human interaction beyond the computer screen is healthy. Do talk to a small handful of close friends sporatically every week and mom everyday on the phone... and you guys on here, but I'm not actually interacting face-to-face with people (do shop and go out for needs, but I'm talking more on a "social, get-out-of-the-house" level. Thought about doing volunteer work or taking that ballet class I'd seen, but have a lot of school work now, and can't jeopardize my grades by overloading my schedule with outside distractions. Oy vay. What to do.

Part of me wants to pick up and move somewhere totally random... maybe to Florida near one of my close guy friends (I'm WAY better at being friends with guys... they aren't as drama driven and I always know where I stand with them, so I have great guy friends). Being located where I am currently is like the "mothership" for everyone ex military in my old careerfield. Being here is a constant reminder that I'm on a different path than everyone else. I really don't like that. It's kind of depressing. I think I need to save up a lot and look at possibly moving somewhere next summer when my lease is up that I can make my own.... where every corner isn't a building where they do what I used to do; where the people aren't all old co-workers from my past who ask "oh, where did you get hired?" to which I have to act casual and say "oh, I decided to go back to school" instead of what I really feel inside which is "oh, I had a total mental collapse after I retired, had to live with my parents for a year, ended up in a psych ward, moved down here to get a job then couldn't, so NOW I am back in school." Frustrating frustrating.

What the HELL is wrong with me today??????? This entry totally turned into a pity party beotch fest. Good grief.

Well, never claimed that my head wasn't a minefield. Guess today I'm just tripping on the mines

Anyhoo... shrug it off, Koshka... *****smack, smack, smack*****

Ya know what... I'm saying to heck with it... could work ahead in my classes (and know that I need to, but who cares).

Going to the pool to go tan (errr...sunburn, lol) my happy rear.

Been almost 2 hours since I had my little pity party above and my brain just keeps swirling and swirling the same ridiculousness.

Maybe getting all hot and sweaty and irritated with teenagers splashing me with water will re-focus the brain...lol

I can identify with "one huge walking contradiction".

Pity parties are definitly allowed here!

Keep sharing.....

It's not a pity party koshka... you haven't given up your power in any of this. What you feel is justifiable emotion in response to some really crappy things that have happened to you. No matter how effective we may be, our control over our environment is always minimal.
"I can "know" something, but "feel" differently". It's called grief and it is a normal human emotion. It is okay to grieve. It is healthy to grieve.
I'm an overthinker too, and I find it much easier to analyse situations than feel them. Rumination is my default setting too. As if I can think my way out of an emotion; and to some degree it is true; when we get something untangled in our head, our emotions do tend to become freer too... But I find with grief there is no shortcuts; there is no intellectual relief; apart from committing one's mind to accept the loss. I find focussing on my body sensations helps me not ruminate grief because focussing on body sensations tends to validate the emotion and my mind doesn't need to flick up the situation in an attempt to get those emotions dealt with. Emotions can be painful (and even terrifying). Thoughts can feel so much safer and easy to manage; much less grubbier. Logic can be a real emotional safety zone... but the emotions are in the next paddock unsupervised. Bringing them together for a workable relationship is a challenge I face myself. I think face to face contact is really important. Working out at the gym can be a solitary experience - is there a group class you might be interested in? Exercise can help with the kind of emotions you are working with; interacting with others can give you other realities and perspectives for that time; exercise can fire up and coordinate your brain better so it accelerates your studies; rather than robbing you of time overall. (yes there is a time investment but it does pay for itself, plus interest). A fresh start doesn't seem like a bad idea - obviously it is time consuming and disruptive. I know you'll find a way to peace with your living environment, whatever you decide to do. You are such a bright, resourceful, competent woman.

Honey- hey, thanks! Man, thank goodness there's a place I can complain... saves a lot of burnt up phone lines...lol

Oh, LW- you always know the right things to say to lift me up!
Yeah, guess I do feel powerless. Fighting like hell to maintain control... to keep diggin' with that spoon no matter how little dirt it moves at a time. I've given up the notion that I can control environment and/or situations because I logically know that the ONLY ONE I have any control over is ME. Now that I'm not trying to control outside things, I guess I'm just trying to learn how to process the ever-present feelings that the situations present. I guess that's a more accurate assessment of where my difficulty lies. I know I'm doing it in MUCH more healthy ways in the past. Just still hurts. It's healthy to feel the hurt. Heck, ignoring the hurt and acting like the feelings arent' there is the UNHEALTHY thing. Feelings will subside with the passage of time... this I know. Guess I need to work on the virtue of patience- not one of my most prominent attributes...lol.

You're totally right... hit the nail on the head. I try to "think" my way through emotions. Hmm... fatal error. "...there's no intellectual relief from grief": one of the best phrases I've heard. You are SO right. You mentioned focusing on body sensations. I've not tried this. What do you do? When I'm swimming in a pit of swirling negative thoughts of the loss, I haven't been aware of how my body feels (other than the general descriptor of "COMPLETE POO"). Tell me what you do... I'm willing to try anything that would help me cope in a healthy way.

Ah, exercise. My evil foe. I'm such a sports-minded person... have always been. As a kid I played every sport out there (not phenomenally, but tried). As an adult I've gone through spurts of incredible great health... running, swimming, bodybuilding. Then I have slumps of complete lazy-butt where I KNOW what I need to be doing, but do nothing and sit here beating myself up for not getting off my dead rear and just doing it. I think you're right... I may need to just make the time to do that weekly ballet class I'd looked into. It's only one day a week, so it's not THAT taxing on the schedule. Plus it would get me out of my four walls into a social setting where the goal isn't necessarily sculpting my body to perfection, but just getting my dead rear moving!

Oh yeah... I'm seriously considering the move. Not only am I living in a high-cost area, but I'm socially miserable. Moving elsewhere might require some planning and saving up and initial financial output, but I think the benefits outweigh the costs. I think I need to make the best of my current situation and just try to maintain my positive thoughts, focus on class, and keep the planning in mind and then next summer put the plan into action. I SO need a place that I can make my own. Having been in the military, you kind of get used to having 2-3 years in one spot and then moving again, so you really only lay down temporary roots and build a temporary life... everything is temporary because you know you'll move on. Kinda hard to get out of that mindset. Been in my current location for a year and realized I'm still thinking in that temporary mindset. I have to accept that I don't move every 2 years, and that it's time to (with or without the beau), find a place of my own and try to build PERMANENT connections and life. Funny, spent my whole time in the military "trying to get used to" moving all the time... never realized that I ACTUALLY got used to it!

And, LW, thank you so much for reminding me that I'm not just a bundle of cracked eggs. Thank you for being so kind IN SPITE of my shortcomings

Hugs!