So yesterday, once I realized my hormonal state and stopped thinking I was somehow losing ground and slipping backwards after so much progress I got a burst of energy and went out and purchased a shiny pretty electric grill for my deck (not exactly my idea of grilling, but the fire codes at the apartment here outlaw every form of grilling except for electric since some goobers would burn down the place if allowed an open flame). Cleaned the living crap out of my house (I'm ocd'ishly neat and love love love it when my house is orderly....my own little way of exacting control in my bubble...lol) house in order = life in order (errr... that's what I rationalize...hahaha.

So everything in my neat little world seemed calm and orderly and clean.

Classes are starting up on Tuesday, so my brain is about to finally have some entertainment. Spent the morning perusing the net to find some volunteer opportunities to get me out of this house since my classes are online. Also browsed a book of classes being offered in the various arts and found a beginner's ballet class that caught my eye. For the 40-60 age range, so it looks like it would be a relaxed "just get out of the house" type deal which would be right up my alley. Feeling all good about wanting to get off my butt....

....and then.....

On the bf front, with all the "missing" going on lately there's been a little inner-sigh, if you will. Getting aggitated at the fact that he seems so at ease dropping all contact. Know logically that's not it... it's the PTSD. Usually feel all strong about it all and tell myself that I'm ok with it taking years for him to sort himself out. Then (usually during that monthly hormone barrage) I'll get a case of myself and get disgusted. Just about the point where I throw my hands up in disgust about the lack of contact, he contacts me. Today i got a text from him about wanting to sort out our cell phone contract (before his crash we were intending to move in together, so we both got new phones and went in on a family phone plan). Just to clarify... I NEVER EVER get money or finances entangled with men... this is NOT in my character. I do watch all these goofy afternoon court shows where the girls get all wrapped up with these rotating boyfriends they move in and out with and totally mess up their finances and try to sue the guys.... THIS IS NOT ME. The second we signed the contract I got jittery... then *kapow!* the PTSD explosion. So I am guessing he wants to sort out paying the penalties and nixxing the combined phone plan. Ugh. It's logically a good move... if we're not together (we're two states away from one another right now) there is NO SENSE in having any facet of our finances combined. But still, there's a twinge of pain there inside me as this is another step of pulling apart. When someone has PTSD it always gets bad before it gets better... I know this. I'm really ok with it all and do understand, logically, what's going on.... but oh, that damn twinge of heartache. Part of me just wants to fast forward 2 years and have us together and having worked it all out.

Ok, enuff beotching for the day. Just wanted to spit it out. Thought it would make me feel better. Not really sure that it does. Still have that heavy feeling in my chest that happens when I'm upset about something. Hmmm.... maybe I should scream or something.... I need a release.

Tomorrow the hormones will be back to normal.... THANK GOD.