I can't just believe how I got completely used to being treated poorly by my recent XBF
It of course didn't start out that way. In the beginning he was great, caring, attentive, endulgent and devious (just the way I like em ) but it didn't take long for that to change and for me to become conditioned to HIS way of treating me/or mistreating me as the case may be

I knew something wasn't right because he didn't treat me the same way other guys always had through out my life. He didn't fawn on me and worship me completely. He didn't place me on a pedastile and treat me like a princess the way all the others had done before him. I didn't understand that, and I called him on several DOZEN times over the years.

He said he wanted me to be a strong independant woman, not a spoiled little brat.
He said that his work and his life kept him busy, too busy for me a lot of the time.
he said that if he was worth waiting for than I would wait, if I didn't think he was worth it- the door was there and I could leave anytime...
He did and said so many different things to me over the years that I stoped fighting it and just accepted it; thought that I was supposed to wait all the time, sacrifice myself all the time, and bend to his needs all the time- put my own aside.

I didn't understand that he could and would never make time for me- I had to beg for it constantly, and it was never enough. He said I was too needy, and maybe to a degree that's true- I am needy, but he didn't even try to meet my needs towards the end anymore. I had become a nag, and an annyoance- a literal pain in the A$$ and he didn't like it, nore did I...

It's been so long since anyone has treated me well, I had forgotten what it was like.

I went to a party and yeah all of the guys showered me with attention and praise, but there was one guy who really stook out. He was into me right away and kept revisiting me through the night. Not in a preditory way, nore possesively- he was just making sure he could be kind to me as much as possible it seemed and it was nice.

I grabed contact info off a few guys that night, but I only contacted the one so far- the nice guy (one of them; but Mr. Supa Nice) and we texed a few times over the week. We wanted to meet again soon but he has plans this weekend, and I'm supposed to be busy next weekend, so it looked like it would be a while before we would see each other again.

he recently texed me back to say that he's trying to get out of his Saturday plans this weekend just to spend time with me what? You're kidding me? Dude is gonna revamp his weekend just to see me again
Do you know HOW LONG it's been since anyone has that kind of thing for me???
AGES!!!

Why? Not because I don't deserve it, but because I had become accustomed to thinking I wasn't important enough for my prior BF to do these things for me- ergo, I thought I wasn't WORTH IT

This may not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this, but it was to me when he said it. Not because I couldn't believe someone would do that- I would do that for someone in a heart beat if I cared enough. It was a slap in the face because I had FORGOTTEN that I am worth these kinds of gestures...

Few people make sacrifices for me. I'm the one who sacrifices for everyone else.
I'm the one who takes the emotional beatings, who gives every penny she has to someone who needs it even if it means I go without, who wears second hand clothes when we're poor, doesn't eat when we're that poor, and who sells all my stuff if I have to (including my body) just to pay the bills. I'm always the one who takes it up the A$$ with a smile- because it's always been my job to sacrifice for those I love, and I do this willingly!

It has been so long since someone gave me something like this. Something you can't hold or see, but something that holds such great worth- their time and their sacrifice to spend that time with me.

It's been a long time since I've been treated well.
My last guy never really loved me- he tollorated my sh*t to keep me; but that's not love...

I'm very affraid of growing close to this new guy though. I told him that streight out- DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH ME! He laughed and said he wouldn't. I said, "That's what my husband said when I told him the same damn thing years ago! Trust me. Enjoy me, have fun with me. Let's be friends and maybe a bit more; but do NOT fall in love with me- it's not worth it." and I walked away...
We talked again later and he said something like, "You're gonna make me fall in love with you- aren't you?"
My heart sank again I said, "Do NOT fall for me, don't even joke about it- you don't want this sh*t in your life!"

I'm pretty sure he's aware of my mentality and my PD's, he's been a fan of mine for years apparently- so I can only assume he's read my blogs as well. I do intend to check up on that and make sure he's aware of my mental illness, what it is and how it affects me if he wants to have any kind of connection with me at all.

I need him to understand that not only don't I want to have any strong emotional attachment to me, if I feel myself developing that towards him- I could run.

I sacrificed my sanity for my last BF. He told me if Ididn't chose to be with him in a real commited relationship he would leave my life as a friend and lover because he loved me too much to stay and not have me for his own. I can't do that again and I WON'T!

men always feel the need to possess me, and I'mnot sure why that is; but I can't be 'owned' or be help accountable for someone else right now- I have enough on my plate as it is

So yeah- I'm happy to meet this guy. I'm happy that he wants to treat me better than my last BF; but I'm terrified of emotional stuff and the BS that comes with it.

I really just need to be free!
I need support in my life (my therapist says AT ANY COST) but not at the expense I had to pay the last time...

Peace Y'all & Gnite