Bloggy blog blog. I feel $#%^.
I should feel better.
I'm getting DBT yay! Which I've wanted for so long.... And it has been offered to me without me even asking for it and I had pretty much given up on getting any help in this god forsaken $#%^ ######6 awful system.
But I'm still not getting my hopes up in case I don't. I'm going to keep an open mind, if I do great, if I don't...
I can't take any more rejection.
I'm getting depressed again. Which is not what I want. The last however long... (I don't even know how long it's been) I've been dead again. It really isn't good. I can't do it. I really can't. I need to wake up again.
With periods of up and down in between, highs and lows. I'm blocking out everything.
I want to possibly try emdr on myself again but... What if I do it wrong? What if it makes me worse? What if it kills this passion inside me that I feel when I'm not feeling like this?
That passion keeps me alive, I need it. I want to feel.
I am so messed up. I wish my problems and difficulties were more straightforward so I could understand them.
I wish as well as DBT I could have a talking therapist. A therapist to talk to each week. That would help so much.
I will wish and hope and pray for it.
Somehow. I need it.
Uhh. I'm mentally exhausted from all this $#%^. I'm so emotionally drained.
It's so exhausting to be like this.
I need to sort it out.
One day I swear, things are going to be different. I don't even know how I still have hope after all I've been through.
I have to. Else what's the point in being alive. My poor little inner child. It's not her fault. She didn't ask for any of this.
She's just had to deal with this $#%^ all her life all alone. I wish I could take better care of her.
She's devastated and so hurt and abandoned and alone.
Everyone has hurt her. How dare they.
I have to keep that spark of hope alive. It's hard but I can. I must. ###$ mood swings, ###$ abusive people, ###$ depression, ###$ suicidal thoughts, ###$ the system.
###$ them all.
I don't know how, but someday I swear, things are going to be different. I will fight fight fight.