Avpd?

I have spent the last 6 months getting to know a guy that I've been interested in. We hit it off well! He came on strong in the beginning and was very affectionate, wanted to spend time with me, we were intimate etc. I thought this was the start of what could possibly be a relationship down the road. A few months or so in, I noticed everytime I brought up real stuff like feelings or the possibility of where this was going, he would back off. He would conversate with me about anything but feelings. I started to notice a pattern of being ignored / getting the silent treatment every second week, particularly after being intimate. He keeps me at arms length, and definitively does the push pull method frequently. I never know what to expect from him. I know he has had fwb in the past and I realize that I've also become another one since we aren't "involved" exclusively. At one point i thought he was just a jerk that was using me, but I can tell that he's not, and there is more going on than I imagined. He's been divorced 2 years now and I'm not 100% sure if being avoidant played into that. He's a homebody, he doesn't hang out with friends. He's on a dating website as well but not looking for anything serious, and hasn't actually met anyone off it. I think it's just something he does for an ego boost. I have read a lot about attachment styles and he fits the avoidant to a T! I would be the anxious style, having trouble with the lack of affection. I really want more from this guy, and I don't think I am going to receive it. Do avoidants tend to never initiate contact or touch? He's more than willing if i initiate but sometimes I chose not to because I don't think he wants it. I find the more I back off, the more he comes closer. He's extremely affectionate when we are alone, but in public he is withdrawn. I'm a a complete loss here and it really stresses me out! I can't speak to him about this stuff because he just shuts me out, it's really frustrating. Is there any way to make an avoidant feel confident enough with you to let you in eventually or this a lost cause?thanks!!

I should also mention I am in day 6 of his silent treatment since I asked him if he ever saw us anything more. He has told me he is afraid to let me in. I see him a few times a week because I have to, and it makes it really uncomfortable for me because I never know what I am gonna get. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for months and it's emotionally draining me, and mentally! I know I should probably walk away from him, but I care about him so much as a person, a friend.. And I feel like he wants me to prove I won't just walk away. He's very passive aggressive, and it gives me anxiety never knowing what to expect with him, or when the next time will be that he shuts me out. When he does come out of the silent treatment, it's like nothing even happened prior. It's not brought up or talked about, it's forgotten. I don't bring it up in fear that he will shut me out again.
The only things I know about his past was that he was a loner in school and bullied.

Any comments from outside then window would be appreciated.

I wish the mods would make a sticky that would stay at the top of the forum for people in relationships with avpd people. We get this question over and over. Here's an older one
avoidant-personality/topic163831-20.html

Here's a guy trying to get with an avpd girl:
avoidant-personality/topic77412.html

Wife needs support in dealing with husband with AvPD
family-support/topic6353.html

Please help, husband of 5 years leaving
avoidant-personality/topic100411.html


Boyfriend says he can't be in a relationship *trigger*
avoidant-personality/topic94788.html

-- Wed May 04, 2016 3:59 pm --

I'm in love with an Avoidant
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Tried making AvPD friend- Need Advice/Help
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More:

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html avoidant-personality/topic135063.html
html avoidant-personality/topic94788.html
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April8911 wrote:I would be the anxious style, having trouble with the lack of affection.

I think that might be a good thing to explore, April. If you have other forms of support and care. Then you can ride this out. And see how things go. If you would like a partner who can be "all things" to you. Then this is unlikely to be the guy for you.

Personally I think that's a lot of stress to put on any relationship. No matter what other issues are on each side. And firmly believe people need to keep their own friends and platonic relationships going. Which is hard, when a romance is blooming. But well worth it for everyone in the longer term.

Thanks Ada! I definitely am finding out a lot about myself in this process. I am also feeling the emotional abuse ten fold from the silent treatment, the anxiety is terrible . I don't know how to shut my brain off. For the past few months I've googled and researched everything I am dealing with, and it all points to narcissism and avpd. I'm trying not to take it all personally but it's hard. I feel like I was a normal and confident person before we met, and now I feel lost and alone and crazy. I'm a good person with a good heart, always wanting to help others and I think for that reason alone, I struggle even more so with the ST and being shut out. The one person who can answer all my questions is the one who won't. I know because of my unhappiness that this isn't a place I want to be anymore, it's just really hard to come out of it when you truly care for someone. I have reached out with kind words and support and even some goofiness to try and get some form of conversation going, and I'm done now trying. I feel stupid.

I think you need to decide how much you can give to this relationship. It sounds like you are reaching your limit.

This is really puzzling me! So I'm still receiving silent treatment via text. Since a week this past Thursday. I had asked if he saw us as anything more down the road which had started the whole ST (talking about feelings always does this for some reason) so anyways, I text a few days ago to try and figure this $#%^ out, and nothing! So today I ran into him (I have to see him a few times a week unfortunately) and he acts like things are just fine and talks to me like nothing has happened... What the hell!!? I can't understand this! I barely said much today and then just left. I won't let him disrespect me and make me feel small anymore!, so why would he do this do you think??

He came on strong in the beginning and was very affectionate, wanted to spend time with me, we were intimate etc (...) I started to notice a pattern of being ignored / getting the silent treatment every second week, particularly after being intimate (...) does the push pull method frequently... I know he has had fwb in the past and I realize that I've also become another one since we aren't "involved" exclusively.

So, I can tell you this doesn't sound like an Avoidant at all. He has no problem initiating a relationship and shows a lot of affection at first. I can tell you as an Avoidant that initiating a relationship is the worst of it all, because this means you have to approach someone, and it could perfectly be that the "target" doesn't like you, and then you bother them. That's why Avoidants don't initiate relationships! Also, I'm so dreadful of showing warm emotions that I sometimes struggle to say things like "thanks/you're welcome" and stuff like that even if it's imperative to say so in regards of puliteness.
It sounds like he's sexually exploiting you, and it sounds like this is his usual pattern of relating to others: he has had "friends with beenfits" before (if I decipher your shortening correctly), he ignores you after he got what he wanted, and, surprise, he's at a dating website, even though he's "involved" with you.

At one point i thought he was just a jerk that was using me, but I can tell that he's not, and there is more going on

Really? How do you tell? I see a lot in here that would definitely proof he doesn't give #+Q about you, but nothing that would proof else.

I have read a lot about attachment styles and he fits the avoidant to a T! I would be the anxious style, having trouble with the lack of affection.

Do you mean he has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style? Avoidants are usually anxious-avoidant as well. Dismissive-avoidant would be characteristical for a Narcissist.

I should also mention I am in day 6 of his silent treatment since I asked him if he ever saw us anything more. He has told me he is afraid to let me in

He actively ppurposefully and manipulatively uses his so-called "shyness" (which can't be all to bad either, if you think about him not having any problems initiating relationships). Using me as an example here again. I cannot tell people about my shyness. I can't. There's nothing I dread more. On the outside, I don't appear to be shy either. It's rather a lack of warmth I think. It'll take me months to years to gradually build up trust in a relationship, and then I will gradually show more and more affection as I feel more safe. Your guy, in contrast, periodically overloads you with affection, only to suddenly shut you off completely again. He isn't shy. But he knows exactly what to tell you. What you want to hear. He wants your heart to melt about "oh, this poor sensitive guy, he's so shy, he needs me", but that's BS. He's manipulating you.

I've googled and researched everything I am dealing with, and it all points to narcissism and avpd.

Yes, I'd also say he's a Narcissist from what you describe. Did you read into closet narcissists/what Millon describes to be "Compensatory Narcissists"?

I feel like I was a normal and confident person before we met, and now I feel lost and alone and crazy. I'm a good person with a good heart, always wanting to help others and I think for that reason alone, I struggle even more so with the ST and being shut out.

There's this saying, the way a person talks about themself tells you more about them than how other people talk about them. I think there's a lot of truth in this. It always makes me suspicious if people refer to themselves to be "helplful" or "so social" and stuff. In my opinion, one doesn't have to be always-helpful. People who have this attitude of self sacrifice often do more harm to themselves and to others than they do good. One doesn't have to be helpful in general, one should be helpful on special occasions, when someone really means a lot to you or when you feel you can empathize with a certain person especially much. You get my point?
Also, have you looked into transference and countertransference? Relationships are always a matter of two persons, never of one alone. There must be a reason you were attracted to this guy, and why you didn't turn away from him as soon as you found out he is as abusive as he is. There must be something about you, the way you think about yourself, which made you stay in this relationship. And I doubt this just "appeared" through this relationship.

To me, you seem to be emotionally dependent to this guy, like a child hoping to be praised by their parents. That's not healthy for you, and it's not responsible towards yourself either. I really hope you get away from him! Being involved with all kinds of "psychology forums" for quiet some time now, I figured out there seems to be no worse than being involved in a narc relationship. There are whole forums for people who are in relationships with narcissists. Maybe you should drop by there.

Thank you so much for your reply. I don't have many support people out there dealing with this so I really appreciate any words I can receive on here from all of you:)

I think your right on many levels. I think he is using me sexually and I just had a hard time admitting that because of my feelings. But I still get the sense that he's got something going on upstairs. I agree that he wouldn't be an avoidant in the sense that he able to initiate,even if he only does this behind closed doors in private. He doesn't really approach me in public, but he lingers around waiting for me to do so. When I first started reading into all this, covert narcissism was what I came across and I believed it. I think over time I just have spent so much time trying to figure out what the heck is going on that I see traits in a few PD that I've came across. He also suits the "quiet borderline", maybe I am just trying to find excuses for his behavior instead of accepting that he really is a jerk.
I would definitely say his attachment style is dismissive-avoidant, and I would say that you're correct about me... Giving off that feeling of chasing love

One thing that has always confused me is when we first started seeing each other, I ended up pregnant. (Yes stupid for sure!!) and he was actually ecstatic about it. And I thought to myself how someone could be so excited for that when he wouldn't want an actual relationship right now, or know if he saw a future. His response really threw me a curveball. I ended up losing that pregnancy and he showed 0 signs of empathy and when I had reached out to talk about it he'd shut me out. (This happens with anything REAL or anything to do with feelings) I just find a lot of what he does, isn't typical behavior. This put me in a really dark place suffering this loss alone but at the same time it was unfortunately a relief for me as well. I know his mother, and she knows we see each other. She's a wonderful lady, I remember talking to her once and she gave me that feeling that "he doesn't really work out with anyone" like she knew he wouldn't let me in or something, it was strange. However at the time I didn't think much of it, until I started over analyzing everything.
Right now it's like I'm having 2 different "relationships" one via text with one man and another in person because he doesn't act like the other exists, the one with proper communication and dramatic issues.

I have found he uses his ST on me to put me back into a place he wants me in, and returns when he thinks it's safe. This time round however, it's been 10 days which has been the longest yet so I'm unsure if he will touch base or not. I've thought of doing NC but it's hard when I see him a few times a week because I have to. I struggle with it, but I am slowly seeing the real picture and that none of this is healthy for me to hold on to.