How can you win over a Fearful-Avoidant girl?

Hi everyone, I've been reading a lot of the threads here over the last couple of days and feel like I've learned a lot about avoidant personalities but am still battling some questions.

If you are a fearful-avoidant personality type of girl what do you think a guy should do in order to get close to you and for you to get close to him? The girl I've been seeing she has major trust issues which she has voiced to me. From our conversations I feel like a big issue for her is to make sure she can trust me, but at the same time because she distances herself it makes it impossible to show her that she can trust me. I know she likes me, but she withdraws and becomes very distant anytime we start getting close. As background she is 25 and I am 31 and neither of us wants to date casually.

A couple of weeks ago after I got fed up with her behavior and before I discovered anything about these attachment types, I broke it off with her. And even though I know she really likes me she didn't fight it at all, she just agreed to it. I am fairly certain she wants to develop a relationship but she gets hot and cold and she can also be very stubborn. I haven't contacted her since I ended it, would a fearful-avoidant person like her make the first move to restart contact or would I have to do it?

Hi,

Her reaction to you ending it signifies a few different possibilities. She could be a bit depressed, for example, and accepts that bad things happen to her in life. So, in her mind, it might have been, 'What's one more bad thing gonna change for me?'. Whatever the case, you should realise that this will take time. Trust can only be built over a relatively long period of time. You are male - it's easier for you to trust - She's female and 'naturally' fears people - You see the point that I'm jmaking?

Ending the relationship might have been a bit rash. it's not constructive to make decisions like that if you want to still be with the person. You should have waited longer attempted to talk more. The fundamental thing to remember is, again, that it will just take time, especially given the condition/mindset that she has...

Kevin

Thanks Kevin, do you think someone like her would initiate restarting the contact or do you think she'd wait for me to restart it?

You're welcome, gmase. Unfortunately, I am almost certain that it is going to have to be you who makes the first contact again. in fact, you might have to get used to doing so. There will be times when she will feel like getting in touch, but right now I believe that you should take the plunge first...

Kevin

I don't know how she works, but if it was me, it would be very important that you explained why you broke up, that it was not that you did not like her, but because you were hurt by her behaviour (if that is true, I might have misunderstood), that she ought to be able to relate to and understand.

my boyfriend broke up with me for a few days over a year ago and then regretted it, but it still makes me feel insecure and a bit bitter, it feels like something is broken, fixed, but can never be as new again. I can't really trust him to wanting to be with me, I always wonder if he is not just doing so because it is easier. I can't trust what he says about what he feels about me anymore, after him saying he loves me one day, breaking up the next and then saying he loves me again the fift day... So that is my advice, don't do that, never lie about feelings, because if she is the suspicous type, she will then always wonder if you are lying again.

My advice is tell her what you feel, but only what is true, and do so often, more often than her, make an effort, show it, that she deserves your time and thought. And let it take time, you can't tame a rabbit in a couple of days, you have to approach slowly.

Thanks Berta, that was helpful. I did end up talking to her a few days ago and we just had a 20-30 minute generic chat about what we've been up to. We did not have any discussion about our relationship or anything that transpired. I actually think it was better that way because I get the sense she needs time to gain a sense of trust.

And that is my question to you: What should I be doing in order to let her know that she can trust me? Both in terms of my intention and in terms of my views on commitment? I just feel that she is very cynical about things and always tends to assume the worst about people and about what might become of situations.

I don't know her and it is difficult to give advice then, but some general things about gaining trust is being loyal, show vunerability, return confidences. Spend time on the person, show they are important, be attentive. But if she really is having these unrational feelings of rejection, perhaps you should not feed them to much either... it is difficult.

Hi - I'm new here and wandered in for similar reasons as gmase. I have been friends with a man with avoidant personality disorder for several years but have just started to figure that out and realize I need advice and guidance in order to have any chance of strengthening or furthering the friendship/relationship.

Gmase - I can tell you that it has been my experience that I am the one who usually gets angry and says the wrong things. He will disappear or avoid me until I settle down and apologize (via email as he won't talk face to face about such stuff). Once I apologize, he immediatly goes back to the way things were and acts as if nothing happened. I have learned to accept that it is just the way he is and don't push him to discuss it or wait around on him to re-establish contact or apologize for his behaviors that made me mad to begin with. I know that he reads and absorbs some of what I write in those apologies because after the last time I got mad at him, I told him in an email that I knew trust was something that he needed and that it was very hard for him. I also told him that physical presence was something that I needed in order to know that someone cared. It didn't have to be much, stop by my office occasionally, send me a text, email, anything........
He has since started popping his head into my office several days a week just to "give me playful grief". In the years I have been friends with him, I have never known if he cared or not but with that gesture, I think he is trying to show me that he does care and is trying in his own way to meet that need for me. At least, I tell myself that.

I am trying to figure out how to win his trust as he has told me that trust is very hard for him. I would also like to strengthen the bond between us but I don't know where to go from here. I care very much about him but I also know that he has been burned in a previous marriage and divorce.
I know that it will have to occur over time but any advice from others in this forum would be very welcome.

Are you still looking for help, gmase? I'm kind of like how you describe your girlfriend so I might be able to shed some light for you. Actually, I think I'm worse than she is, I'm new on here but I've just discovered I'm an avoidant (bummer I know!!!).

gmase wrote:A couple of weeks ago after I got fed up with her behavior and before I discovered anything about these attachment types, I broke it off with her.

If you got fed up with her behavior you have to ask yourself if you've got the patience for an avoidant.

Keep this in mind, she will likely not change all that much and if you betray her trust again, not only may you lose her permanently, but you may also totally wreck whatever little trust in people she is capable of.

That "hotness and coldness" (which in reality is just fluctuations between trust and fear) may, in some form, always be there with her, and if you can't or won't deal with that then you may as well not even bother.