Is it REALLY over? Can a friendship be salvaged?

He doesn't sound like he's a very good friend to you. Do you actually even really like him (as a friend)?

I was once 'seeing' someone who I didn't like very much. I had a lot of difficulty letting him go though. In fact I spent about 3 years obsessing about him, and yet I didn't even really want him

In my case, I think it was because I didn't have much else going on in my life. His attention (what little there was of it) was exciting.
Also, I think I was just obsessed with getting him to like me (even though I didn't really like him )

It sounds like in your case there might also be a little bit of wanting to "save him" from his inner demons. But by the sounds of it he really doesn't want you to!.

I eventually had to go 'no contact'. I did this for an initial period of 3 months, most of which time I spent crying .

However I did have enough sense to also take that time to get myself more of a life. The more time I spent with other people, the more I got over him.

So, to answer your question, no, I don't think this 'friendship' can be salvaged, since really (unless there is more to the story than you've told) he's not really much of a 'friend' to begin with.

hi cokey
I actually do NOT like him as a friend. I did think all along we had a special bond/connection but I realize now that it was all a lie from his end. Something along the way broke that cord. What I did used to like about him the most was his spiritual side. But after the way he has treated me and discarded me like I meant NOTHING to him, I have decided NO CONTACT is the best way to go.

It's day 13 for me........this was always my breaking point. NEED TO STRIVE FOR 30! he is a miserable human being who is disgruntled with his lot in life and blames DESTINY for where he is. In other words, nothing was in his control. The fact he never finished school (and he is brilliant), took menial jobs, that he ended up as a recluse had absolutely NOTHING to do with his decisions. What a way to get out of responsibility for your actions, eh? AND, he never apologized even when he was wrong......and showed NO REMORSE for his actions. Totally unacceptable in my book. WHY I put up with it for so long I don't know.....it was the attention like you said.

I obsessed about him too for over 2 years, because I was lonely and empty inside. Like you said, need to find other things to do like join a gym, take some classes etc. I have cried so many tears for this man and he wasn't even worth it. Oh well, live and learn as they say.

you are right...I did want to save him or fix him and get him to admit that he suffered from some type of mental disorder.....he took it as a big insult and an affront. He felt stigmatized. But clearly there was something seriously and deeply wrong with him. Would fly off the handle over the tiniest incidents (like talking on the phone in the train.....) and we would get into heated arguments every 10 days or so. The relationship turned toxic.

What did you do AFTER the 3 months? Did you ever speak again?? Thanks

inverse wrote:That list doesn't actually sound avoidant. On the contrary, avoidant people are fairly sentimental and levelheaded.

Also, I didn't realize it was more than a friendship. Yes, if your heart is being shredded, find someone new.

inverse

it started out as a friendship, and grew into something more. BUT, we never had any physical contact. This was a LD relationship. Sorry if I forgot to mention that earlier. So we have NOT seen each other since early 2000s. I knew him from my past...(actually met when I was 22 and he was 34) ..he used to work with a friend of mine in the restaurant business. Supposedly I was his DREAM GIRL............and that I was the only one he fantasized about since the late 90s. That's a pretty long time. He told me I LOVE YOU straight away when we re-connected etc. So he started having feelings for me FIRST before I ever did for him. We would keep in touch through the years, Xmas card, Bday card here and there. BUT it got intense since January of 2013......and the way he started speaking to me was surely NOT platonic. I developed feelings for him. And fell for him hard. I feel that ever since March of 2014 however, the relationship took a turn for the worse, and I have been holding on to something that for him was lost. Like the chase or the thrill was OVER.....

so the pursued, turned into the pursuer......like I said, I was addicted to the attention I got from him. He would send me so many emails a day it was hard to keep up. Anyway, I realize each day gets better and I miss him less and less.....
I doubt he will reach out ever again, but if he does, I will try my darndest not to respond. Thanks everyone for all your advice!!!! Means a lot.

pandora64 wrote:What did you do AFTER the 3 months? Did you ever speak again?? Thanks

Hi pandora64. Soon after the 3-months, he started initiating contact now and then.

I replied for a little while, but I soon discovered nothing had changed. He was just wanting my attention back.

Every so often I'll get a text or something, but I just ignore it. I'm never going back to that! It's been a few years now.

I understand how hard it is, it's kind of like quitting a drug - even though you don't want it, you miss it soooo much! You just have to stay strong. Aim for one month, then aim for three, and then before you know it you won't be thinking about him half as much anymore.

It's good that your taking steps to reclaim your life. Once you meet other healthy, nice men (and they are out there), you'll wonder why on earth you wasted your time with this one.

Thanks Cokey, yes, I do realize that I miss him less and less as the days go by and that I check my emails less often where as in the past I was obsessed with speaking to him. I need to move on and chalk this up to a very HUGE learning experience. If a person cannot reach out and wish u a happy birthday - even on a friendly basis - they have no place in your life whatsoever. My bday was last week (Friday) and I thought for SURE he would have emailed me at least an ecard. I GOT NOTHING. so ppl like that need to be cut out. They bring nothing but negative energy. I read a good quote recently, from Hans F Hansen. People inspire you or they drain you - pick them wisely.

Thanks again for your words of wisdom!!

No worries

I know things will get better for you!