This is so retarded and it's all my fault

So I was writing a story online. I loved it, and there were some fans who were reading it.

There were some side discussions in the comments. I participated a bit. Then one person started asking me why I think this and that. She thought differently. I tried to explain, but she didn't get it.

I do believe myself to be right, but it's to no avail. I think she thinks me to be stupid now. I think she despises me. I think that everyone there can see that and they all feel disgusted with me, too. I feel intense shame. I ended up crying for an hour and I don't know how I can ever continue my story. I don't even want to ever think of it, because it reminds me of how she thinks I'm a moron. And I keep thinking: well, it's your own fault, you knew you shouldn't ever talk to people, because talking to people brings only pain, but you still did, so you've got yourself to blame for this.

I can't get this out of my head and can't distract myself with anything. I thought that if I write about it here, among people who're just like me, maybe something could change.

Why is it that interacting with other human beings brings such suffering? I always make this mistake. I live in my fantasies, but then I try to talk to someone, only to get hurt. If I just didn't ever want human interaction, I could be safe.

And this story, I really enjoyed writing it. It was the only thing that gave me some joy in my life. Now it's all destroyed. How can I ever continue it if I'm afraid to even go to its page. I want to run from that person who is one of the readers. I feel like she is repulsed by me and that all other readers can see how stupid I am.

A very similar thing happened to me recently. I was writing a story for a creative writing class though and I wouldn't be that bothered about someone trolling me on the internet.

People like to criticise because they think that they're contributing something. A lot of the time it's just going to be nit picking because they can't actually see much wrong with your work. So anyway, when it got like that I found myself getting all defencive and I said things like how I realised that other people would find it boring but that I'm just doing it for my own amusement anyway and it's not like I'm trying to get published. So, I decided that I wasn't plaing anymore and I knew that it was childish or neurotic but it destroyed the confidence that I had built up by writing for that class and I couldn't go back again. I want to carry on writing but without the stimulation that I got from writing for that class I just haven't been able to.

For me there was a feeling that it had all gone wrong and although it had been going alright up until then they didn't seem to like what I was trying to do and at that point there didn't seem any point in letting them read more of it. Maybe it is childish when you get one or two unwelcome comments and you assume that everybody agrees with them but it's hard not to when you're the only one actually disagreeing. Sometimes someone tells you not to worry about them and that they want to read your stuff but it doesn't help because you don't feel good about it anymore. It's hard to recover from a public embarrassment and to go back with much confidence. It was only one person but that could happen again. That was actually the way that I was looking at it. I couldn't take the criticism because I didn't have the confidence. I wasn't strong enough. You need to be able to take criticism, even if you don't agree with it but my saying that I'm not trying to get published is just me saying that I'm too scared to even try, or too pessimistic. Rejection can lead to fear of rejection like that.

Noone has criticized my story yet, on the contrary, people are praising it. The argument that broke out was on a side topic. So my problem is not with losing confidence in writing the story, I just think that one of readers thinks I'm stupid because we discussed a different topic and disagreed on it. I want to avoid her at all costs, but I can't, because she'll be reading my story further. And because of that, I don't want to write it further. If I stop writing, then I'll never have to see her again. She's rather talkative, so I'm sure I'll see her again otherwise. She posts elaborate comments after each chapter.

Now, I'd be okay if she told me "I didn't think you're stupid", but obviously she won't say it, so I have to be tormented with a suspicion that she thinks I'm stupid and feelings of shame.

On the topic of story evaluation, it's weird but I find that people overpraise my story to the point when I lose confidence that I can continue fulfilling their expectations. I start thinking that next chapter will surely be a failure, because surely I can't actually be writing something that people like. It's me, after all, and being positively evaluated is not me.

It was a stupid idea to post a story online in the first place. But I don't want to stop writing it because I kind of enjoy it. I love the characters.

They think your story is bad? Fuk them, they don't have to read it.
They think you are stupid? Fuk them, they don't have to talk to you.

Also, I don't think a stupid person could write a story that's so well-received by others as yours is. Writing requires both intelligence and imagination.

Has it occured to you that this person that's bugging you might be the retard? You said that you believed that you were right and that they just didn't get it. Maybe they were trolling. Do you really respect this person's opinion or just think that other people do?

You can't really expect people to understand how sensitive you are or care. They aren't usually going to reassure you that they don't think that you're stupid when they say or imply that something you're saying is. If you want to clear the air with this person it's really up to you to tell them how you feel. If they post a lot of comments about your story and it's been good feedback it doesn't make any sense to avoid them. Who cares if you disagree about politics or whatever when you're not there to be judged on that?

cataatta wrote:Also, I don't think a stupid person could write a story that's so well-received by others as yours is. Writing requires both intelligence and imagination.

I kind of attribute the success of the story to anything but myself. I tell myself people liked the characters. Or that they liked how realistic they were. Can't do anything but feel like I am too inadequate to be successful, so if there is success, then it's a product of anything but myself who can only be a hindrance. It goes as far as me imagining that if someone else wrote the very same story, exactly word by word, then somehow it would be more successful, because I'd have nothing to do with it.

NoM8s wrote:Has it occured to you that this person that's bugging you might be the retard? You said that you believed that you were right and that they just didn't get it. Maybe they were trolling. Do you really respect this person's opinion or just think that other people do?

Yeah, I still think she is wrong. It's weird, but even when I think someone is wrong, I can't bear thinking that they have a bad opinion of me. It comes up in psychotherapy all the time, too. When I think someone believes me to be stupid, I feel like I really am stupid, even if I think they're competely wrong. So irrational and I've got no idea why this happens.

That said, something very fortunate happened. That person came back to write one more comment again and I recognize it as a making-up comment. The gist of her speech was basically "Diversity of opinion is good, it makes life more interesting", and it was written rather respectfully. It kinda bugs me that she still sees me as a fool. Or does she? I can't tell, but whenever someone thinks I'm wrong, I feel like they're sure that I'm an idiot. I must stop myself guessing now before I start suspecting that she was merely pretending to be respectful out of her desire to make up...

They aren't usually going to reassure you that they don't think that you're stupid when they say or imply that something you're saying is.

That is the problem with our society. People don't clarify what they think of others. Sometimes I think that it would be so much easier for AvPD people if everyone behaved like they do with children. Children often get evaluated whatever they do, it happens automatically, "good girl", "that drawing is nice", etc. It's like adults intuitively feel that children need personal feedback. But they don't behave the same with with other adults, we have to guess their reactions, and guessing is a ripe ground for imagining the worst.

Let's be honest. We're talking about tantrums here. A lot of this is quite manipulative. When I find myself doing this sort of thing a lot of it is about sending a message. I may not be fishing for an apology when I go in the huff with someone but I am trying to tell them something.

So, you think that if you don't go back they will miss you and realise maybe that they upset you. In this situation you're punishing them as well as yourself if you stop writing for them. You're saying that you would like people to treat you like a child by acting like one.

That's how I see it anyway but I have a certain amount of self awareness about it and am maybe reading too much into your comment about wanting people to do that.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:So I was writing a story online. I loved it, and there were some fans who were reading it.

There were some side discussions in the comments. I participated a bit. Then one person started asking me why I think this and that. She thought differently. I tried to explain, but she didn't get it.

I do believe myself to be right, but it's to no avail. I think she thinks me to be stupid now. I think she despises me. I think that everyone there can see that and they all feel disgusted with me, too. I feel intense shame. I ended up crying for an hour and I don't know how I can ever continue my story. I don't even want to ever think of it, because it reminds me of how she thinks I'm a moron. And I keep thinking: well, it's your own fault, you knew you shouldn't ever talk to people, because talking to people brings only pain, but you still did, so you've got yourself to blame for this.

I have had similar occurrences, and my advice (and what has worked for me) is to go back and not end up running away. Remind yourself that with AVPD you are going to be more sensitive than most. This is a mode of thinking, that one bad interaction means that all interactions will be bad, which is destructive, and basically has no truth in it.

Now, you don't have to go back and address the issue (the side argument). But as hard as this is to believe, if you go back, you eventually will get over how you feel now. And more importantly, you will have won a battle against AVPD.

Good luck, and please don't let your AVPD win out over what you love to do.

NoM8s wrote:Let's be honest. We're talking about tantrums here. A lot of this is quite manipulative. When I find myself doing this sort of thing a lot of it is about sending a message. I may not be fishing for an apology when I go in the huff with someone but I am trying to tell them something.

So, you think that if you don't go back they will miss you and realise maybe that they upset you. In this situation you're punishing them as well as yourself if you stop writing for them. You're saying that you would like people to treat you like a child by acting like one.

Sorry I have no idea what you're talking about.

-- Sat Feb 27, 2016 6:33 am --

skyflyz wrote:I have had similar occurrences, and my advice (and what has worked for me) is to go back and not end up running away. Remind yourself that with AVPD you are going to be more sensitive than most. This is a mode of thinking, that one bad interaction means that all interactions will be bad, which is destructive, and basically has no truth in it.

Now, you don't have to go back and address the issue (the side argument). But as hard as this is to believe, if you go back, you eventually will get over how you feel now. And more importantly, you will have won a battle against AVPD.

Good luck, and please don't let your AVPD win out over what you love to do.

You're right. I'll have to write her a making-up comment, as well. *braces herself*

I guess the biggest problem now is being overpraised. Yesterday new readers came, and one was very vocal and wrote lots of detailed comments on lots of chapters. Now I am really scared to write next chapter. I should start but after so much positive feedback it feel like I'm never going to live up to it.

Even though I tell myself that logically people's writing is quite even in quality, which means that there's not much chance that the next chapter would be 100 times worse than the previous. But it still feels like it would be.

It's horrible, I started this story for myself and was writing it so freely at first. Now I'm stuck fearing to write anything more, because I keep picturing that the same people who wrote these comments will be disappointed. It feels so inevitable. Like all their praise was some kind of mistake, and now they're going to see the truth and the truth is that I suck.

I really envy normal people who feel motivated from positive feedback. With AvPD, it's like no matter if you get positive or negative feedback, both make you feel scared. Besides, I don't think positive feedback is even reaching my mind, I just feel like it's all a mistake and these people are going to discover the truth of how disgusting everything I do is any moment.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:I really envy normal people who feel motivated from positive feedback. With AvPD, it's like no matter if you get positive or negative feedback, both make you feel scared. Besides, I don't think positive feedback is even reaching my mind, I just feel like it's all a mistake and these people are going to discover the truth of how disgusting everything I do is any moment.

It takes work accepting that positive feedback is earned, and isn't some sort of fluke.

It seems to me that the reward isn't even the positive comments, but the pure joy of creating characters and writing your story. Try to keep that in mind.

Good luck.