This is so retarded and it's all my fault

There might be something else you could do, beyond trying to write for yourself. You can write the entire story offline and only show it to some people (or all) when it's done.

You didn't seem to mind the comments before you had the argument with that person. I know how you feel but it really sounds like false modesty because you do have readers that you feel an obligation to. Not really sure how that works when you switched languages on them but those must be some loyal readers that you've got there to continue with it after that.

Actually, I did mind them. I feared that I'd never repeat the success that they'd write me crappy reviews next time. The argument merely made it so bad that I felt compelled to share.

I don't get you at all at times. How come you have such high self-esteem that you can project it on this situation? No false modesty operates through the feeling of guilt.

FragranceOfLilac wrote:Actually, I did mind them. I feared that I'd never repeat the success that they'd write me crappy reviews next time. The argument merely made it so bad that I felt compelled to share.

I don't get you at all at times. How come you have such high self-esteem that you can project it on this situation? No false modesty operates through the feeling of guilt.

A lot of people can't handle fame and the pressure of trying to repeat a success. All that proves is that the fame goes to their heads. I think that you do enjoy praise and you just don't know how to handle it.

What I'm projecting into this situation is you believing in yourself and your story when you're being creative and you doing yourself down when you're all self concious. I don't think that we're that different. I've said all of the same self depricating stuff myself. I can daydream about being successful and be too scared to try because of guilt. If I find my voice and people don't like it or if I just get too self concious about it I can still feel like the biggest fool in the world. Only difference really is that I don't find it necessary to keep insisting that I'm a loser. I could say that the pressure to succeed isn't something that I handle very well and probably there's some guilt about not living up to my parents' expectations (whatever they were) or I rebeled against that pressure and refused to try. Anyway, the fact remains that you know that you can succeed. A quitter isn't exactly the same thing as a loser. It's not possible for someone to lose face unless they had some pride to begin with.

FragranceOfLilac, I don't know if this would work for you, but this works for me... I make music and regularly release it online, but I purposely try to make technically bad, sloppy, badly recorded, amateurish music. Basically, I try to make BAD ART. I know this is considered a grievous sin to many creative types, but I find it works for me and my personality type (I was recently diagnosed with APD after 30 years of confusion). I feel impervious to praise or blame if I aim to fail from the beginning. Think of it as creative failure. Maybe you should try and write the worst most terrible story you could possibly create and see how that makes you feel when you receive critique or praise.

I know it may seem like a strange suggestion, but I realized a few years ago that most of my fears regarding evaluation of my creations was due to the fact that I was putting pressure on myself to create GOOD ART (Well played, high quality recordings etc. etc.). I was imposing conventional values and standards on myself to create in a formalized manner and that made me feel vulnerable. So I decided to go in the opposite direction. It started as an experiment and I soon realized it was a hell of a lot more enjoyable to embrace the idiocy/inadequacy I perceive within myself and transmute that negativity into a positive creative process. It rendered all praise and blame regarding my work meaningless. Failure has become my aesthetic.

I don't know if this information is of any use whatsoever to you but I just wanted to chime in and offer a different perspective.