Confused White Woman

I hope too much time hasn't passed yet, I might be too late.

Dear DenAm,

First I'd like to adress this thing with your husband.

For BOTH of you, things are not like how they seem, so I hope you haven't been done anything you'd regret yet.

Your husband is not gay. And both of you are actually pretty normal in behaviour.
It's just that the conditions are a bit difficult.

Both of you and your husband have had a rasist upbringing, and that's your husbands hidden reason to watch this kind of porn almost exclusively. He is dealing with his rage towards black men. He is dealing with his the feeling of INFERIORITY that comes with racism...
Why do you think the white rasist always shout "white power" etc. ?
It's that they feel afraid at some level and try to boost their own, like school bullies.
The rasist thoughts come from mostly upbringing, but also the unability to connect with another group of people. And for multiple reasons, you feel intimidated on some level or many levels. That's when you get inferiority and hatered. There are other reasons too for racism, but clearly your husband deals with these kind of things.

Heck, even I have viewed this kind of porn and felt turned on. And I'm not a racist, nor I ever would like that to happen to me if I was the white man, NOR the black man... it's just that the fantasy is so animalistic and wild. There's a big theme of alpha man power in there. Another man submits just to watch when his lady gets dominated by the more superior man. The fact that it's a black man is just your racist background.
This fantasy is just a power fantasy. It's not gay fantasy for your husband.

I think that fantasies, especially this magnitude, come from sexual powerlessness.
You told that you felt bad watching these... only after when you started looking at it, you started to enjoy the forbidden fruit effect.

It's natural for you to link sexual pleasure with large penises. That's completely normal. Especially when you link it with "never had it", it's even the bigger source of desire. You think that a big penis would automatically make you have a great sex life.
That's not how it is.

You and your husband struggle from bad sex life.
I know from experince when I started masturbating to porn while I had a girlfriend while she was sleeping... I felt limited with her. It wasn't like I really wanted the things I saw in porn, but our sex life had started to follow the same pattern, and due to some mishaps, it had been narrowed to certain area of sex... let's say if I really wanted to eat her out, I didn't feel like she enjoyed it much, so one of my needs that I really liked to do stayed unfulfilled, so I channeled this unfulfilment towards porn. Didn't matter what, it felt like I was getting something I didn't with her.
Our sex was great, but it was enough to suppress just tiny bit.
Oh, another thing was that I was a bit unafraid at the time to take the sexual initiative with her.

Maybe your husband feels a bit powerless sexually with you...
Have you rejected his approaches maybe little bit too many times?

I know that if in a normal heterosexual couple, the man feels that he CAN initiate and dominate his woman in a healthy way, BOTH of the people enjoy the whole sexual relationship really much, and I think deep down this is the key for your issue.

You have told that you have lost your interest towards your husband to this craving...
And this craving sounds just the natural craving of a man who ravishes you just right.
That's why you seek strong black men as you link them with this ability. It's also the racist ideas from your childhood that adds to the factor, but racism isn't the biggest thing.

I think your issue is that you feel resentment towards your husband for watching porn instead of him taking charge on you and riding to the sunset if you know what I mean..

One new thing to you if you want to save how things are.
Clearly, your husband lacks the psychological tools to make situation better and I don't blaim him. These issues are extremely complex and difficult to see, especially first hand.
So even if it doesn't really make you feel like a woman right now, I think you should try to make your husband feel OK to dominate you like you desire.
HE has to be in charge once again.
With his porn he is dealing with feelings of inferiority.
He doesn't feel like the man he should feel in order to give you a good time.

Even if you don't feel like it, but you really want to help how things are, maybe you should be a woman to him first... maybe you should put something nice on and let him know in many ways that he is the man... boost his ego some bit in your best chosen areas, especially the ones that relate sexuality.

I guess that if you had a confident, sexual man in your arms reach, you wouldn't be fantasizing on those other men anymore that much, wouldn't you?

dear Confused

I think you and your husband do have sexuality issue's that should be addressed. I don't think avoiding the fantasies you both have will go away. I really think that you should work on communication in the relationship. The truth be told it is not easy to bring these subjects up but here are a few suggestions.

1. Try suggesting new activities such as possibly taking your husband to strip club for his birthday, this would re-assure him of your sexual security and show your adventurous side. ( remember moderation in any activity)
2. Suggest visiting a nude beach
3. Pay more compliments to him ( Men love that!) often times men feel ignored and under appreciated. A little attention goes a long way.
4. Tell him how much he excites you and how you can't wait to be with him.
5.Set up a romantic dinner with for the both of you.

From what a read in your post it seems that you are lacking activities that are more intimate, as for the fantasies of large penises is a symbol of something that is missing in the relationship. As for your husbands cuckold fantasies , it's more about you and please you since he feels he is in-adequate
. This goes back to communication if he felt he was pleasing you sexually then he would not want someone else with you. re-assuring him of his performance and manhood will go a long way in spicing up the intimacy.

make no mistake this goes both ways he has to provide the same feed back for you. Being appreciated is an aphrodisiac that has been ignored.

I have been with a lot of different women and the sense I get, is they are not seeking a well endowed male but the adventure and begin appreciated makes the experience all the better.

I first of all want to say how refreshing it is to finally find a decent discussion on this topic; and not a bunch of useless trolls, and rather a forum that tries to get to the bottom of things.

@ DenAm, your honesty on all of this is admirable & awesome. My wife and I too went thru this. It too passed (after a couple of years). Still lingers a bit, but has only enhanced things sexually between us - we kept it as fantasy only. Back then, she discovered it (the interracial thing) on my computer as did you.

I'm with ShamanMan on pretty much most of it - that it's not so much the color thing/fetish, rather, what it represents to people like us. A good strong marriage (like u and ur husband prob have) can handle a lot of hardships like this. Never too late : )

I have come to terms with this and accepted that I really, really like big black cocks.

I do not necessarily like the man attached to it. But the black cock drives this white woman wild! It doesn't mean I will act on these urges. but its a main fantasy of mine now and i couldn't stop it even if i wanted to.

DenAm wrote:I have come to terms with this and accepted that I really, really like big black cocks. ... It doesn't mean I will act on these urges. but its a main fantasy of mine now and i couldn't stop it even if i wanted to.

DenAm-

Would it be so bad if you did act on it? (With your husband's assent, as well as that of a prospective lover's spouse or gf). I fail to see what the huge issue is, as long as all parties genuinely consent to the matter. Humans are not a monogamous species- I think it is only civilization that pushes us in that direction.

I am a "woman of color" (E. Asian), but grew up in a whiggity white area, so I suppose inter-racial sex is no big deal to me. I admit, for a time in my late teens, I was definitely curious about black men. I satisfied that curiosity and don't feel any particular need to "scratch that itch". I think, if you did it a bit, you might react similarly- frankly I think Caucasian women being addicted to black cocks is a myth.

Nevertheless, to be honest, there are ways I consider them better lovers- I've never had as many orgasms with one man as I have with a couple of black guys- indeed, they were able sometimes to tire me out, which is unusual. And, based on limited sampling, their penises are bigger than those of white or Asian men (and I've never seen a humongous one in person). While they are impressive to look at, I'm rather small "down there", and having your cervix rammed is definitely not pleasurable, so I've never been in any danger of being addicted to big black cocks or any other notably big male organs.

ShamanMan wrote:Both of you and your husband have had a rasist upbringing, and that's your husbands hidden reason to watch this kind of porn almost exclusively. He is dealing with his rage towards black men. He is dealing with his the feeling of INFERIORITY that comes with racism...
Why do you think the white rasist always shout "white power" etc. ?
It's that they feel afraid at some level and try to boost their own, like school bullies. ...

Shaman-

Your analysis just does not ring true in my experience. I'm not big on porn- well it is mainly a guy thing. But I've watched it, sometimes with a group of guys, and usually as the only female present. Men who were not raised "racist"- in fact quite the contrary- also seem to me to "get off" with black men doing white women. I didn't detect any "rage" among them (maybe a little insecurity, lol).

I think there is a bit of race hustling and self-aggrandizement in your post. Your "white power" comment struck me as utter twaddle. My own reaction, having been on the "receiving end" a bit, is there is a sense of outrageously sexuality with a black guy that I haven't experienced with white or Asian men. For me, at 19 or so, it was in part due to the "forbidden fruit" aspect of it. Presumably these "white guys" you put down so much react in a similar fashion.

You seem to think racism derives solely from sex. I don't buy it.

ShamanMan wrote:It's natural for you to link sexual pleasure with large penises. That's completely normal. Especially when you link it with "never had it", it's even the bigger source of desire. You think that a big penis would automatically make you have a great sex life. That's not how it is.

To an extent, admittedly, "bigger is better". But I think all of us realize it's not the be all and end all. How a man uses what he's got is far more important. FWIW, in my experience, girth in her partner's penis is a better indicator of female sexual pleasure than length.

Hello;
just a few rambling thoughts (I take it that previous posts are genuine, not fake provocations I've seen on other forums).

1. penis size matter: it's, more or less, the same:
http://www.sizesurvey.com/result.html
http://www.targetmap.com/viewer.aspx?reportId=3073
(actually, the man with the biggest penis is a white, see Guinness book)

2. the myth of female arousal with regard to penis size:
http://www.topix.com/forum/news/sex/TS94EAKGA4P0P6Q8A

3. the true nature of arousal is power, i.e. -for some women- being overpowered by a man (capital M). In selective porn industry, only those blacks with big penises are selected; the majority with ordinary, average "equipment" are weeded out. Because porn is just a short film, the idea of power is transferred to the size of "equipment". Just, one needs to add:

* in reality, big penises mostly hurt (see analyses of contact with cervix)
* porn actresses moan and whine since this is it, acting. Professional porn actresses virtually never orgasm during filming, they're just doing their tedious job (which is, by the way, well paid).
* image of sexual power as connected with black males is constantly drummed upon by most Western media, so it makes a connection in some male and female minds: blacks = power.
In the Eastern Europe or elsewhere, blacks are not regarded as manly enough. because ultimate test of male power is aggression and war, and no black military unit could stand the test of battles at Verdun or Stalingrad. One can say- war is one thing, sex another, but this is superficial objection. The essence of female arousal -apart from love and cuddling- is male dominance and power. It stems from mind, not physique (for instance, not a few German women orgasmed during 1930s Hitler's speeches, without even being touched). Since in central and east European women's minds power is not connected with anything black-actually, blacks are seen as weaklings, former slaves, pitiable and not powerful, there are rare instances of women here turned on by a black man.
Because- black is weak, and this is imprinted in mind.

Irish-British novelist Iris Murdoch has had a rather promiscuous sex life, and the ultimate
dominant man in her life was Elias Canetti, German-speaking Sephardic Jew, later Nobel prize winner in literature. He submitted her to various sexual humiliations and dominated her-and she enjoyed. And, physically, Canetti was nothing special- yet, in his approach he exuded dominance (with her- others had not been much impressed) and that's what turned her on.

My advice to the OP would be:
* start to realistically look at life- porn is an orchestrated lie, like opera or romance novels
* what you see there are choreographed cartoons
* blacks are essentially just as "endowed" as whites
* as a group (and persons) - they are perhaps the weakest race on earth
* their "physicality" is mentally pumped up- they just cannot compete on any
field with whites-except short distance running and basketball. In martial arts plus 100 +
other sports they are simply weaker.
* and- try not to be racist anymore. I am race realist, and that means that I don't think
all races are equally fit to live in modern societies. Just, a person is a person, regardless
of race.

Thank you Arvan. Good to see some actual facts on this matter (I'm not a fan of Topix Forum tho lol), and a lot of what you said reverberates heavily and it is high time that people see the truth - or at least see the slant in things.

But back to DenAm's original post. I'm thinking that her concern was more on her addiction to the porn itself - rather than what's real or not. I think that it clearly had or still has an impact on her; perhaps she was wondering if it's normal or if it constitutes a small minority.

Either way, this whole thread has had a lot of good info.

Carl S. wrote:Thank you Arvan. Good to see some actual facts on this matter (I'm not a fan of Topix Forum tho lol), and a lot of what you said reverberates heavily and it is high time that people see the truth - or at least see the slant in things.

But back to DenAm's original post. I'm thinking that her concern was more on her addiction to the porn itself - rather than what's real or not. I think that it clearly had or still has an impact on her; perhaps she was wondering if it's normal or if it constitutes a small minority.

Either way, this whole thread has had a lot of good info.

Thanks. Well, you're right, but there is more to it.
OP wrote, as I recall, that not only she obsesses over porn, but porn has changed her
perception of reality, altered her marriage quality (for worse) and turned her into
compulsory addict of fascination with blacks which in at least one instance
might have lead to physical intercourse. Now- that's serious, in my book.

IMO, two ways of action can be suggested.

1. "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free", according to John. "Know" here means not only gathering of info, but letting them percolate into one's mental life, conscious and unconscious. The OP should get to "know" that porn is something fake, like battles re-enactments; that blacks are - apart from a few individuals- actually weak in almost all aspects of life: weakness, not power is central concept that could be associated with them; sexually, they're- according to studies and their reactions- unimaginative and boring (that's why insistence on penis size as a sort of psychological compensation): most sexually diverse, exciting and fulfilling games and playful situations have been invented by Western and Asian (Persians, Indians, Japanese) peoples; and finally, that becoming a slave to one's "lower" nature is not only humiliating, but certain way to degraded and unhappy life.

A Chinese book of wisdom says: "He who nourishes higher parts of his nature is a superior man; he who nourishes lower parts of his nature is an inferior man" (or woman). Anatomically, traditional psychologies, East and West, had considered higher parts those above solar plexus- heart, thymos (will) and mind; lower are stomach (gluttony) and sex. Being a slave to sex, especially sex fetishes- this is degrading.

But what if addiction persists ? What if knowledge is not enough ? Then, I'd suggest:

2. serious talks with husband, perhaps self-analysis through writing a diary or longer analysis in personal book (I found that procedure helpful when I needed to clear some personal stuff- I would analyze the situation, write in 2-4 weeks detailed pros et cons, find the cause -or complex- of internal dissatisfaction and finally burn the book).
After serious conversations with husband- and his self-analysis- if that does not work and addiction persists, they should seek an experienced marriage and/or psychological therapist.

Because, evidently, it's a fetish or obsession, i.e. psych thing, not something anatomical or physiological.

The desire is escalating and impossible to ignore. It's an irresistible urge now that I've learned more about this. If only you guys knew!!