I hate my sexual fantasies.

I'm a 20 year old female. I'm still a virgin for cultural reasons but I've always had a high sex drive and I masturbate 5-7 times a week. In the last few years, my fantasies have gotten more disturbing. I don't want to go into the details, but my fantasies are about anal sex. Here's the problem: I hate this kind of sex. I really HATE it. As in I'd rather die than do that. It's against my religion, culture, and everything I believe in. It's physically and emotionally unhealthy. It's sick, unhygenic,unnatural, degrading, disgusting and abusive. It can cause tears, bruises, hemorrhoids, I've even heard horror stories of women pooping their pants etc. I hate it so much. I even hate men who like anal, i think they're sexists/misogynists, who have no respect for women. I do NOT secretly like anal, I hate it, I abhor it, and I wish it didn't exist.

Except, like I said, my fantasies are about anal. I've gotten to the point where I can't orgasm from imagining regular sex. And my fantasies aren't just about normal anal. No, they're anal rape fantasies (sorry to be graphic ). My fantasies started from watching porn. I don't watch porn often, but there are a couple of 'memorable' videos which I keep thinking about. After I masturbate, I feel completely WORTHLESS .. I hate myself. my self-esteem is suffering. I don't want these fantasies.. I don't like them. If I could choose my fantasies, I'd choose femdom , where I dominate and degrade men.

When I'm not aroused, anaI sex disgust and repulse me. I can't even get aroused from it, because I'm so disgusted by it. First I start thinking about normal sex, and when I'm turned on, and my mind is defenseless, my fantasies take over.

I would happily give up my sex drive for the rest of my life if it meant that I wouldn't have these fantasies anymore. Please dont tell me that my fantasies are healthy and normal. Theyre not! My self-esteem is suffering because of the degrading things in my thoughts . Everytime I masturbate, I feel violated and traumatized. I also get depressed, moody and angry after I masterbate. I have borderline personality disorder but I didn't finish my DBT course and I"m not on any medication.

I've been trying to change my fantasies. First I researched for ways to lower my sex drive. I've been drinking spearmint tea (traditional remedy for high sex drive ), taking cold showers, installed a porn blocker on my computer, etc. My sex drive has reduced, but eventually I have to masturbate.

When I masturbate, I force myself to think about regular sex. but it doesn't work. I can think about regular sex for hours and I still can't orgasm. so eventually, I get frustrated, and start to fantasize about anal so I can orgasm.

I don't like regular sex.. I think I need something more extreme or exciting. In the past few months, I've been looking at femdom sites. At first it didn't turn me on at all, but as time went on, I started to really like it. And I can even get really aroused and wet from it. But unfortunately, I still can't orgasm from it.

What happens to me these days is that I get turned on from thinking about femdom, then I masturbate, but to reach orgasm, I have to revert back to my old fantasies

I wish my fantasies would die. I want to change my fantasies to femdom, where I dominate and degrade men, instead of the other way around. Is that possible? If so, how do I do that? I can't just make a conscious choice to stop my fantasies. My will power isn't good, I'm impulsive.. I always fail . What I'm doing now is exposing myself to more and more femdom , and thinking more and more about it, if I keep doing this, do you think my fantasies will change ?

Thanks for reading.. I know it was a little long , sorry

What you enjoy in the comfort of your imagination is VERY VERY different to what you will do when you start a sexual relationship. That's why they're called fantasies and not "rehearsal for real lifes." Yes, it's disturbing when they clash with what you'd want in real life. It's the same for many people with rape fantasies, fetish fantasies and so on. The nice thing about it being in the mind is that it is 100% under your control and you can simply ignore the unpleasant parts. It starts and stops exactly when you want it to.

At the moment, I would guess that it has enormous power for you. Simply because it is taboo. Because it is against what you believe in and wish to happen in reality. That taboo is adding excitement to what would otherwise be a fairly simple fantasy. So, one way to resolve this would be to focus the separation between fantasy and reality.

Another would be to look at what your disgust is being rooted in. Men who like anal aren't misogynists any more than those who like vaginal or oral. It isn't an inherently abusive act, nor is it emotionally unhealthy in my view. It's no less natural than a penis being stuck in any other orifice, there's no magic about a vagina.

It seems odd to me that you're comfortable with the idea of degrading and abusing men. But have a horror of anything that might "read" like men doing that to women. I understand that most modern cultures have far more abuse of women than of men. But wonder why you're going to the opposite extreme, rather than looking for a neutral [and respectful] position.

The original poster simply opened my eyes. Never did I believe that in a million years, did I feel women would react just like men when experiencing an orgasm. I say this because the way the body reacts when a man experiences an orgasm is quite different from a woman's, but now that I read into the post, I notice that the result must be the same: someone watching porn, whether men or women, must have a certain degree of guilt negativity from constant masturbation to certain media.
You are not the only highly sexual person.In attempting to address sexual pleasure, I have been able to deal with intense sexual energy. However, you must at least be open-minded about the solutions, as they are not your western tradition kind of approach.
You can read a section on the book of Think and Grow Rich, by Napoleon Hill, who speaks about manifesting sexual energy.
People who practice kundalini yoga also have some information of sublimating sexual energy into creativity.
Current literature that I am reading regarding the transmutation of hypersexuality is qigong meditation: embryonic breathing. The meditation allows one to convert that sexual energy, or dissipate it.
One last thing, you mentioned that you had no sexual intercourse due to culture. I am sorry to see that you have to deal with cultural norms. I feel you should begin asking yourself if it is worth it to be a deviant fantasy addict just to be able to comply with social norm. I apologize if I seem blunt, but just like you, I did my best in the past to fit tradition only to repeatedly see myself frustrated at being unable to stay within the "norm."

There is nothing wrong with anal sex, when consensual, properly prepared and executed, it is very pleasurable for both partners.

What you have is cultural prejudice and the sooner you get rid of it the better off you will be in your head !

Also, sometimes we like to do things we find disgusting, that's just life.

Good luck !

I'm sorry of being negative but I can say that it might become a problem, at least for me it did. I have fetish fantasies and now I can't get to an orgasm without being dominated.
I don't wanna go off topic, u can read my own topic after the moderators confirm it if u like, but my point is if u masturbate a lot with a wrong fantasy, u may get limited to it.
first of all, stop masturbating. it's a bad thing no matter what your culture or religion is. short moments of joy and damn lot of problems. u can ask an expert to help u.
second, ignore the damn judging ppl and start a regular and healthy sexual relationship if it's not too late. I live in Iran and used to be a Muslim. now I see that my ex-religion is the reason of all my problems. I tried to avoid the hell in my after life, and made my current life a hell! I have the best girl friend ever and can't enjoy being in a bed with her.

seeing a religious masturbating addict is more sad than non-religious masturbating. we do it because the religion forbids us to have sex.

Dear aaff91, I've been here for some time and the main thing I was told time and time again is that there is no "too late" - there is no schedule to start having sex.

I'm not talking about the time to start having sex, I'm talking the effects of masturbation. sometimes it can cause hard-to-treat or lifetime damage to our sex lives.
Again I hate to be negative energy but I myself am damaged by masturbation. that's why I strongly advise ppl not to masturbate. you can read my story if interested.
sexual-dysfunctions/topic132126.html

You can't choose your fantasies,they choose you to a degree.
Fantasies are not reality.
Your dislike of anal sounds quite extreme?
You may be compensating for this by fantasizing about it?

If it makes you terrible afterwards,then try switching to another fantasy before orgasm.
I've used this technique successfully.

Don't over analyze it;fantasies are similar to dreams in that they are a mix of conscious,unconscious,subconscious.
Masturbation can involve extreme fantasies because there is no other person there,no touch,feel,smell,sight,sounds,just our imaginations.

As you're a virgin,you don't have any historic encounters to fantasize to,just what you can imagine.

Regarding anal,most of what you say is not true.
Practised with care and good hygiene,it is quite safe.
Some like it,some don't.

It may be that your true sexuality is femdom but you won't know I suppose until you try it?
Femdom and anal rape are both relatively extreme fantasies but this is to a degree the nature of fantasies : they are not real!

I've been plagued by unwanted fantasies for years,but they are only part of my sexual fantasizing.
What I do now if I feel the need or want for sexual fantasy is just to see where my thoughts take me and when it comes to about to orgasm,I choose which image to orgasm to.
I agree that coming to unwanted thoughts is akin to self harm,that's why I choose what thought/scenario/image to come to.
I haven't come to my unwanted fantasy for ages now though I still find it strongly compelling.
The fantasy is so bizarre that I simply don't take it seriously now.
No-one wants to get anally raped,it's just a fantasy which you probably will never understand.

Regarding anal again,the anus is absolutely packed with nerve endings and is an erogenous zone as far as I know.
Your fantasy may be a subconscious reaction to your cultural disapproval of it?
Fantasies are by and large other worldly exciting,naughty,forbidden etc.

Your fantasies are two extremes;one involves being horribly violated by men,(anally raped),the other violating men (femdom).
I know femdom is chosen by the man but my perception of it is that it is hateful towards men and I gather that most women who (professionally) practice it have psychosexual issues and really crave a real loving relationship with a real loving man.
Your fantasies depict men as either as dangerous predators or pathetic wimps.
These are two extremes of course.

Does your culture deny you pre marital relationships?
Even furtively?
Try dating,kissing,necking,petting,all very enjoyable with someone you like and feel comfortable with and are attracted to.

I've never done anal either and I don't think I ever will. It just looks extremely painful and not pleasant.
I know some girls like it, but it scares the life outa me to try it.
I do however masterbate to the thought of it being done to me. So I'm kind of like you, and I just don't get it, how can we get off on something we dislike?

-- Mon Jul 13, 2015 3:17 am --

I've never done anal either and I don't think I ever will. It just looks extremely painful and not pleasant.
I know some girls like it, but it scares the life outa me to try it.
I do however masterbate to the thought of it being done to me. So I'm kind of like you, and I just don't get it, how can we get off on something we dislike?

Ha, the stars are aligning -- I just wrote a giant post about "I'm a straight girl who watches porn and it makes me feel like hell" in another forum. Clearly women need to join the ranks of nofap. Except "fap" doesn't really work for us. Why are there no good euphemisms for girl fapping?

Anyway, I wanted to chime in and say I totally get where the OP and the above poster are coming from regarding anal. It's important to lend my voice to this because I've already seen some posts suggesting that "Maybe your culture is uptight" and "It's not dirty" and "You just need to stop repressing your desires and explore it." I guarantee you'll get more responses like these. I hear them so often and they're frustrating. I have the exact same issue you guys do and I'm really glad to know I'm not the only one.

The thing is -- this is REALLY important and a LOT of people don't get it -- when you watch porn regularly, your take on anal sex is totally different than other people's. Anal sex in porn is almost always done to be horribly mean. It's done to show a woman being punished and used and ###$ in a way where she's experiencing absolutely no pleasure. Here, literally just Googled "anal" and on the first page: "Brutal Anal Insertions," "Crying Teen rough anal," "Anal abuse: Amateur Anal Pain."

Porn has gotten noticeably more violent and abusive in the last ten years. I'm not getting that from "Hot Girls Wanted" or something, I'm telling you that as a person who's watched porn since she was a teenager. Vaginal sex has all but disappeared from porn; if it's there, it's a warmup to anal sex, or it's part of a DP. And I mean no offense, Ada, but there is actually a huge difference between a vagina and an ass or throat. The vagina is the primary source of female sexual pleasure. Most women have clitoral orgasms or vaginal orgasms. Yes, some women get pleasure from anal stimulation, but certainly not all of us. And very few of us get pleasure from the kind of anal sex that happens in porn, which is like 45 minutes of savage, relentless pounding by one or more massive dudes.

Those blessedly innocent people who don't watch porn will say: "That's just because men don't understand what women like." So adorable: No. This is not about naive men misunderstanding female desires. Anal porn scenes are intended to be painful and humiliating. I've seen a 100-pound teen start crying and try to push the guy away or at least slow him down or stop him while she collects herself, and the guy acts all concerned like "Hmm kinda hurts right?" but he doesn't let up for a second, then he grabs her face and roughly tries to make out with her while he's still going. (Comments on the video called that the hottest part.) Same with gagging / face ######6 / forced blowjobs. This is not the hot, beautiful experience of going down on a man you adore. This is basically torture: she's visibly in pain, tears and snot are streaming down her face, sometimes she's spitting blood, she can't breathe, she's trying really hard not to vomit but they're going to make it happen, then she'll be cleaning it up. This is mainstream porn by the way; not kink, not deep web.

I swear I'm not misrepresenting things as part of a feminist agenda, either; I mean literally you can hop on over to Google right now and see for yourself. Guys who watch porn will tell you, girls who watch porn will tell you. It has nothing to do with some Freudian "dirty" anal taboo thing either (for some reason, porn girls' ani are always magically devoid of poop). The move away from the vagina is totally intentional; I actually remember reading interviews with Rocco Siffredi and Max Hardcore about it back in like 1999, before it had really blown up. They were sort of the founding fathers of abuse porn. I remember Rocco saying that the actresses had gotten too proud of themselves and "all the shame had gone out of porn." 15 years later those guys aren't marginal anymore. It's funny, I was reading a post yesterday from a guy who said the first fantasy he remembered masturbating to was anal sex with a girl in his class. My first thought was "Oh, you must be a lot younger than me." Because anal was still fringe when I started. And he was, too, about 15 years younger, which is about right.

Anyway,TLDR: porn is ######6 us up. Don't watch it no' mo'. I quit about six weeks ago and everything is better. And I'm actually starting to believe anal sex could be pleasurable, as could submission and roleplay and other dark, immoral things, with a person I trusted. But porn (and a #######5 ex-boyfriend who wanted to try everything he saw in porn) has kinda ruined them for the time being. So, I'm done with porn. I'm amputating that weird, deformed part of my sexuality.

Oh, and I do want to agree with Ada that masturbation and sexual fantasies in general have little relation to the experience of having actual sex with an actual person. I just posted like 20 paragraphs on that in another forum if you're interested.
No girlfap ftw!