I just don't care anymore.

When I was a teenager I thought it was cool to not care. But somehow I couldn't make myself not care. Everyday I interacted with people in the school. I didn't really care much about the people, but I did care about my future. I thought at that time that I wanted to be a carpenter, I went to carpenter school and found out fast that it wasn't my thing. I went there just because the fact that my grandfather was a carpenter. I went through the incredible boring 2 years, then I got myself a job at a video store.

My care meter was now sinking, I started to hate the costumers, I started to don't give a ###$ about anything or anyone. I then got myself a sick leave for 1 year. After that year I got into a system where I was suppose to go to a shrink. The shrink thought my visits was a waste of time, since there wasn't really anything wrong with me, I had nothing to share whatsoever. The doctor then sent me to a psychiatrist where I got the diagnose "Schizoid Personal Disorder". Its been 6 months since then. On that time I have been alone with no appointments. It's been pretty nice actually.

But, now I literally don't care about anything. I don't care if I don't do anything with my life. I can just sit alone in a room for the rest of my life. I'm kinda just waiting for death. If it wasn't for movies, I literally wouldn't have anything to live for anymore. There was a time I wanted to make movies and be a director, but I cba interact with people, so it won't happen. And I don't really care either. I don't care what people thinks of me, if people thought I was a pedophile, then I wouldn't care. My sister fell that the stairs this other day, when she told me this, I had a hard time caring, I also had a hard time faking my un-care-ness. If someone in my family died, then ofc, that would be really sad and I would care, but that's the only thing I can think of that can make me care (Other than movies).

I do care about myself tho, maybe not my future that much, but I do care about my comfortable existent. I absolutely hate to help people, including my family. If it doesn't give me anything, then I don't want to do it. I want to be relaxed 24/7.

I write this because I'm interested to know if anyone are as un-caring as me.

(sorry for poor grammar)

-BadSmile

I've lived that kind of lifestyle for almost half of my short life now... the long, cut-and-paste days of the same four white walls that make up the same room, the back-to-back media and other amusements to pass the time, the hours just lying down in bed not tired enough to fall asleep but not really feeling like doing anything else; after even movies and things become too much effort to watch. Refreshing forums, refreshing e-mail accounts, refreshing imageboards, refreshing inactive e-mail accounts, checking things that wouldn't possibly have changed since the last checking, thinking about things that aren't really entertaining to think about. Joining online games and then quickly quitting because they take too much time, even though there's plenty of time to go around. Opening word to write something, starting and closing it, opening paint to draw something, deciding you can't draw and closing it. Sitting at the piano to learn to play something, feel too impatient to get through scales and theory and stuff and getting up. Going for a walk to get moving a bit, deciding you hate people and even your room is better than walks. Lying in weird positions on the floor for indeterminate amounts of time, etc...

I guess I'm just waiting to die, but that's all anyone else is doing anyway. The difference is that they'll feel regret, loss and sadness when they die. I won't think much of it.

Yep, that's like my life is right now, and there is nothing else to do either. I do get some amusement for watching movies tho, but that's about it. Feels like I'm sitting in this waiting room, just waiting for something to kill me. It's not really that bad, but it can be somewhat boring at times. It is better than doing things I don't want to do tho, like having a not so good job. The problem is that there is no jobs that satisfy my interests. I'm not good at writing, so movie reviews is out of the question, I don't want to interact with people, so making films is out of the question, and so on.

There is only one thing to do left, and that is to wait. (While watching movies).

Never lose hope. You just need the right pharmaceuticals. What are you people taking if you don't mind me asking ?

You have to beware snuggling into inertia. I did that for a few years and ended up regretting it. So I would take extra work or do something to keep myself moving. Then I went to college and now I'm almost done. And along the way I've found things to engage me and opened a lot of new doors into the future.

We may have a unique problem engaging in life, but we really do have to just push ourselves to keep going, even if we aren't sure why at the time; reasons present themselves eventually. The alternative may feel comfortable at the moment, but is much worse in the long run.

Good luck, BadSmile. Try to keep moving.

Kaiser wrote:Never lose hope. You just need the right pharmaceuticals. What are you people taking if you don't mind me asking ?

I always pop a gramme of soma when feeling blue.

Kaiser wrote:Never lose hope. You just need the right pharmaceuticals. What are you people taking if you don't mind me asking ?

I don't take anything, but I am open to it if it should become necessary.

I had never cared. I never had any dreams or ambitions.

michaelton wrote:You have to beware snuggling into inertia. I did that for a few years and ended up regretting it. So I would take extra work or do something to keep myself moving. Then I went to college and now I'm almost done. And along the way I've found things to engage me and opened a lot of new doors into the future.

We may have a unique problem engaging in life, but we really do have to just push ourselves to keep going, even if we aren't sure why at the time; reasons present themselves eventually. The alternative may feel comfortable at the moment, but is much worse in the long run.

Good luck, BadSmile. Try to keep moving.

For me the problem is that I was trying to push myself, but I always did end up not wanting to do anything anyway. It is to irritating to try to force myself to do something that I don't have enough interest in, and that is everything for me. The irritation goes away instantly when I stop doing that, and I got into state of not feeling anything again. Even when I get myself interested in something it never last for enough time to be useful.

Kaiser wrote:Never lose hope. You just need the right pharmaceuticals. What are you people taking if you don't mind me asking ?

I was on:
SSRI
wellbutrin
olanzapinum
velafax
requip

Even cocaine didn't seem to have any effect on me, other then enlarged pupils.

Polis wrote:For me the problem is that I was trying to push myself, but I always did end up not wanting to do anything anyway. It is to irritating to try to force myself to do something that I don't have enough interest in, and that is everything for me. The irritation goes away instantly when I stop doing that, and I got into state of not feeling anything again. Even when I get myself interested in something it never last for enough time to be useful.

What if it's something that's structured for you, such as school? Over that long course of time, there are the inevitable times of discouragment, but the obligation keeps you going forward and something renews your interest soon enough.

A thought I had yesterday: we don't just have a difficult time maintaining bonds with people, but with anything. Reading some older posts, I've noticed that a lot of us try hobbies but then lose interest no matter captivating they may have been at first. I've learned that I'm much better when I let someone else provide the structure and keep pushing me than I am at pushing myself.

Maybe I should have put it that way at first...

^^
You have some good point.
One of the ways in the past that I was able to do things in the past was to get into impossible situations that pretty much forced my hand, if even just to escape from it.
Buy a ticket one-way flight to some random destination and then it is guaranteed that you will need to do something in order to get back to your room. Or just get rid of the room.
This being said, you can't live all your life like that, but at least it gives some sense of accomplishment, or at least the comfort in the knowledge that you tried something.

But the point that I liked was the one about having some other people give encouragement to do something. When there is such a person, there is a lot more chance of me doing something. Why is a bit of a mystery. But definitively, if someone is there to watch and basically give me the direction, then I am more likely to do anything. If it has no value for me, but has some for someone else, then I suppose that there must bee some value to it overall.

Structures like school and such is not enough for me though, It has to be a person, not an institution or even less an ideology.