I need your thoughts, sexually abused girlfriend (trigger?)

Hi, I made an account specifically to post what I am about to post. I am a paramedic, and have an interest in psychology, that stems from things I witness in my work. I have been a long time lurker, who decided to make an account to post a conundrum of mine. I originally just wrote this out in word to make myself think about the situation, but I have decided to post it here, with a couple modifications, to get input.

This conundrum is involving my long time girlfriend, and her past as a sexual abuse survivor, we love each other dearly. I'm not looking for an analysis of our relationship, but an answer to the question I pose in the Closing paragraphs of my writing. Parts of this are graphic, and could be considered a major trigger, but to answer the question, I would consider it important for you to read all the backround I provide.

Thank you in advance for reading and helping!

Begin---------

This might be a little graphic, and will certainly be long, but please read all the back story, as it is important. 

I have been dating the same woman since we were 16, we are now 21. She is the best thing to happen to me, ever. 

My childhood wasn't great. I lost both my parents in the same year, when I was three, in two separate accidents. I never knew my parents. I spent the rest of my childhood bouncing between foster parents, until I got my emancipation when I was 17.

I met my girlfriend, let's call her Kim here, I don't want to put her (or my) real name out, when I was 16. We met in a "support group" outing. I belonged to the support grout for foster kids (specifically teens), and she was there too...

We ended up talking, a lot, and eventually dating. 

Our relationship matured quickly, and about a month in we confided in each other, and talked about our pasts. I told her about my past, and she told me about hers. 

Wow, after she was done, I felt bad about complaining. It took her almost a week of emotional four to five hour conversations to get most of the basic info out, and over the last five years, I've heard more and more, although I know there are still some things she hasn't told me or anyone else yet, but that's all in time. 

(this part may be a little bit graphic) 

Kim was brutally sexually abused by the person who, genetically speaking, was her father, although he doesn't deserve that title. She was abused, along with her older sister and her mom, for as long as she could remember, until she was 12. When she was 12, her older sister committed suicide. Specifics aren't important, but the way she decided to end her life was a very public one, and that event shined a light on what Kim's dad had been doing, presumably for what must have felt like ages. 

There was an investigation in to why Kim's sister killed herself, what Kim's dad had been doing to the whole family was brought in to the light. Kim's dad was sent to prison. The abuse ended mercifully, but at a heavy price. Kim's still has a ton of survivors guilt surrounding her sisters suicide. 

Kim and her mom started to re-build, but eventually her mom lost it, and disappeared, when Kim was 14. Kim got put in to a foster home. Kim always talks about how, when you have been molested and abused your entire life, to suddenly not be is such a strange feeling. She told me once that she used the bathroom in her first foster home without asking once, because it was an emergency, and when she came out she thought she was going to be beaten, because in her genetic fathers house, women had to ask to use the bathroom. 

Imagine learning That in the normal world, you can use the bathroom whenever you like, without being beaten afterwards... she still occasionally asked me to use the bathroom, among a couple other behaviors that were beaten in to her as a child, but she has for the most part, pushed past it. 

Imagine going to school for the first time ever, after being home schooled by your mother in an abusive household the entire time.  

We met two years later, and things have been looking up since then. 

Now, unfortunately, I have to get graphic again. 

Kim's dad liked to play with knives, blades, and other sharp objects. He liked to use them on Kim, as well as her sister and her mom. Kim has about 23 scars on her body, from this. Most are covered if she wears long sleeves and pants, which she does, all the time. Even in the summer. The two that aren't, are not that big, one is on her forehead, covered by her bangs, and another ones on the back of her neck, covered also by her long brown hair. 

Now, up until we were 19, at most, I had seen three or four of these scars. I knew she had more, but I was okay if she didn't want to show me. 

She doesn’t even own a swim suit, and only owns a couple short sleeve shirts, but she never wears them in public.  

One night, when we were 19, we got in to having a conversation, about sex, which was odd, because I'd never heard her even mention anything like that before. I had always assumed that being in this relationship with her meant no sex, and because I love her for way more than just a sex object, I was more than okay with that. 

Anyway, she told me she wanted to try sex. She knew she probably was going to react badly, but she wanted to try anyway. She wanted to start getting over her past. 

Well, that was the first time I had seen her naked. She was beautiful, she does have a great body, but she also does have a lot of scars. She was very un comfortable being naked, and quickly decided that she wanted a shirt on, so I got her one. We kissed for a while. I told her how beautiful her body was a ton of times. Something I have always done, but now could actually verify. She was hot! 

Anyway, we started out with some making out. Kissing as been a way for us to connect for years, nothing new there, except for the fact that I was naked, and she wasn't wearing pants.

She reacted poorly when we tried much more than that, she got anxious, and started to panic. We didn't get to sex, but I was fine with that. I told her how proud of her I was for trying after I helped her calm down a little. 

That night we kissed and cuddled some instead. This is what we have done since very early on in our relationship to connect emotionally, possibly in lieu of sex, we do it often. Her "dad" never kissed her, and never cuddled with her, so she doesn't seem to have a problem with that. She also says she feels safe in my arms when we cuddle, which I think is awesome.  

While we cuddled that night, she got emotional, and began to talk more about her abuse. When she talks to me about this kind of thing (besides her therapist, I am the only one she talks to about her abuse) I find it's best for me to listen while I hold her (she likes to be held), and comfort her when Shes done. 

She revealed to me that towards the end of her abuse, her dad had cut off one of her inner labia. The one that he didn't touch is sort of large, however the one he did cut is almost non existent. At the time, I had not seen her down there, but then she said she wanted to show me, and she did. 

Her dad was a nurse, by the way, so he knew how to stop bleeding, etc... What a sicko... 

Showing me made her get emotional again. I didn't see anything wrong, and told her she was beautiful down there, because it is true. She didn't think so. 

She struggles with body image constantly. She has a fantastic body, she could be a model, in my mind, but she has scars everywhere, and always covers herself up. Even when people look at her walking down the street she gets anxious, all her scars are covered, she is, to the average observer, a hot girl, wearing too many clothes, walking around normally, but she feels like everyone can see her scars through her clothes. 

Anyway... 

Eventually, about six months later, we did get past the touch barrier. I could touch her without her reacting poorly. The first time I was able to give her an orgasm using my fingers was a moment of elation for the both of us, since an orgasm was something she had never experienced before. 

We decide to move on to sex, and again the first time didn't go well, but we did work up to it eventually. 

Our sex live is somewhat still complicated. Something Like me going down on her will never happen, because that would involve me being close to her womanhood, which is the area she is most self-conscious about. We always have the lights off, and usually, she will wear a large t-shirt, although we're working on getting her past that, by doing a couple therapist recommended excerscises. We try to be intimate about 4-5 times a month, and that's why, to be intimate, we do love each other very much. Its never sex, it's always love making.

Her therapist said not to have sex to get over what happened, but to make love because we love each other. I think that was great advice. When we make love, it is what it is, an expression of love for each other, nothing else. We don't do it regularly, like I said, five or so times a month, but that is mainly because we both have low sex drives (just by coincidence) and we don't need it that often. 

Occasionally, when we do do it, she will panic and have a flash back, and we have to stop, but that happens less and less frequently as time goes on. 

she goes to therapy four times a week, three times alone, once with me for support. 

I've still only seen her fully naked a couple times. Her self consciousness totally eats at her, and she can't bring herself to show her scars. I always tell her how beautiful she is, but it doesn't do much. 

Don't get me wrong, if she ever said she didn't to have sex, for what ever reason, I would stop, for just a couple months, or permanently, she is more than a sex object.  

Okay. She still deals with what happened to her for the first 12 years of her life daily. She won't use knives in the kitchen, and sometimes still tears up when shaving her legs. 

I know I can't fix her, but I can help her, because she wants my help and support, and I do. The reason we are together is because we're best friends, I'm the only one who can make her laugh most of the time, and she makes my life so much better, and we love each other unconditionally. All we have is each other. 

After all that back story, this is what i need help with. Recently, she asked me what I thought about her getting a surgery to "correct" her labia. Of course, it's her body, and she can do what ever she wants, but she asked my opinion, and I didn't think it was a good idea. I took on the whole "you're beautiful the way you are" role. I thought that getting the surgery would make her feel like she wasn't beautiful and she needed surgery to make her better, which isn't true. 

I also know that it would be really hard for us to afford the surgery. I work 65 hours a week as a paramedic, and she has a very understanding employer (a friend of mine) at a local pet shop that allows her to work when she feels up to it, usually about 1-2 days a week, sometimes more sometimes less. We live in a studio apartment, and share a small car, but still, that surgery is a lot of money, money that we probably don't have laying around. If she decided she wanted the surgery, no question, I'd start saving money for it, but it might take a while. 

I still don't think the surgery is a good idea, not because of money, but because, well, they do cut off part of her, and she will bleed afterwards, and I don't want it to bring back memories, but I could also see how maybe the surgery would boost her confidence, and maybe make her life easier. 

Kim's therapist does not know she wants to do this, should I get her opinion, should Kim talk to her therapist? 

Kim is her own person, and will make her own decision, but she has asked for my opinion, and I'm not sure what 
to say. I'm worried that she will make the wrong decision, and end up hating her body even more. 

End-------

What do you think, will the surgery help her or hurt her?

Thanks,

Delrey.

I think you need to allow Kim to make this decision herself and try to encourage her to talk with her therapist.

I wish I could offer more, but all I can say is be there for her. Hold her and allow her to initiate things. It does sound as though you are supportive and there for her, which is good, but it takes time to heal. May I ask do you have support yourself? It is hard to be the person who is supporting someone going through such a hard difficult time. Remember to look after yourself too, especially when you work in a job that sees a lot of pain.

I wish you luck and I sincerely hope things work out well.


Take care

I don't know either, Delrey. I don't think there is a definite answer. The answer may even change over time. The pain and bleeding may be a huge trigger for her, but shift how she feels about herself in the long run. Or it might be that she's helped initially, but then wants more intervention, and ends up over-focusing on physical change.

I think your opinion, that she's beautiful, and that you love her as she is, is the best possible thing to have said. No matter which way she decides, that's a great reassurance for her to have.

In practical terms, I agree that if she can talk to her therapist, that would be helpful. And in financial terms, even if she decides she does want it, it's something that needs to be saved for over a long time, it can't just be rushed into. But it seems from your post that the two of you would be able to talk it through, and agree on how best to approach it, without causing problems to other aspects of your life.

Hello,
It sounds to me like such a blessing that you two found each other. The way you describe your relationship is admirable.
In regards to the surgery, I really don't know what to say. I think you have done the best thing to say she will always be beautiful to you. I guess you've just got to keep an open mind and see which direction she takes. Maybe even though at first it could bring back some horrific memories, it would be a way of fixing something he had done? Like taking control over her own body, a way to realise even more to herself how free of him she is now? I like to think that would be the case.

Remember that with the right support, anyone can overcome anything. Just continue to stay strong, you sound like you're doing a great job!

Best of luck with whichever option you go for, and best of luck in the future to both of you as a couple.

Ada wrote: it might be that she's helped initially, but then wants more intervention, and ends up over-focusing on physical change.

That's another thing I'm worried about. I really don't want her feeling like surgery is the answer.

Ada wrote:I think your opinion, that she's beautiful, and that you love her as she is, is the best possible thing to have said. No matter which way she decides, that's a great reassurance for her to have.

In practical terms, I agree that if she can talk to her therapist, that would be helpful.

I will keep telling her that she's beautiful, as I have always done, she really is.

I'm going to suggest that she tall to her therapist tonight.

spike wrote:May I ask do you have support yourself? It is hard to be the person who is supporting someone going through such a hard difficult time. Remember to look after yourself too, especially when you work in a job that sees a lot of pain.

I wish you luck and I sincerely hope things work out well.


Take care

Yes, she supports me just as much as I support her. If I have a bad day at work, or something else, she's there for me, I might not go in to specifics with her, because she doesn't need to hear how someone got an arm torn off, or how a van carrying a family rolled over on the highway, but she realizes that I've had a bad day, and she's there for me, we'll just lay down together and be close, and that's awesome.

Thank you all for the help, as we work through this. I will keep you all updated.

Sorry I just need to clarify what I meant. Do you have some who can support you, with what your partner has been through. Its a hard topic to deal with on your own. However I'm pleased Kim supports you with work related stuff. I'm aware of how varied you're working day will be with 'routine' patients, but also some can be very horrific. I guess I just have some concerns about how what you do to process/deal with all the information. Please don't take any of that as a judgement or criticism, I just know how hard it can be, for both sides.

spike wrote:Sorry I just need to clarify what I meant. Do you have some who can support you, with what your partner has been through. Its a hard topic to deal with on your own. However I'm pleased Kim supports you with work related stuff. I'm aware of how varied you're working day will be with 'routine' patients, but also some can be very horrific. I guess I just have some concerns about how what you do to process/deal with all the information. Please don't take any of that as a judgement or criticism, I just know how hard it can be, for both sides.

I totally understand your concers. No judgement taken. And the answer would be, not really... We both got our emancipations when we were 17, she got hers about six moths after I got mine. I had been saving up money ever since I was 10 or so, and had about $6000. We decided we had to go somewhere away from where we used to live (new jersey). With that money, we bought a cheap used car, loaded it with our posetions, and moved to where we live now.

We live far away from where we used to. when I lived in new jersey, I drove past the exact spot where I have been told my mother was killed in a crash daily, on my way to work. it's not that I'd get emotional when I drove past, I never knew her, or my dad, like I said, NJ just had bad memories for the both of us.

I trained then worked with a volunteer rescue squad in NJ, and got my EMT certification essentially for free. When we moved, I started working with a hospital run squad that pays, as an EMT, and worked my way up to paramedic.

We don't know many people where we live now, I know a couple people I work with on a professional level, and one of their families owns the pet shop Kim works part time at.

We know the people in the apartment next to ours (it's a small townhouse split in to two small apartments) but they're a little strange, we don't talk to them regularly.

Anyway, I don't have anyone who supports me where we live, other than kim, but im happy with that. We spend every moment we can together, and she makes me happy, I don't feel I need anyone else. I know it doesnt make sense, but it seems to work out okay. I do have a half brother, but he was already in college when my parents died, we're not very close... I see him once or twice a year. I also go with Kim to therapy once a week (she goes by herself three times, than once with me, this repeats every week) I go to support her, and the therapist has checked up on me, her therapist does know my history, but doesn't seem to be worried about me. Kim is all the support I need.

Thank you for showing concern, spike, it does make me happy to know that the Internet is still filled with good people.

It sounds as though you have both had a pretty rough start to life, but you yourself are an inspiration. You have done well and worked hard to get where you are now.

I am pleased Kim's counsellor checks how you are doing too. I think that is very important. Having re read your thread I'm also pleased Kin has you in her life. Keep doing what you're doing.

Does Kim know you have posted?

Hugs for you both

spike wrote:It sounds as though you have both had a pretty rough start to life, but you yourself are an inspiration. You have done well and worked hard to get where you are now.

I am pleased Kim's counsellor checks how you are doing too. I think that is very important. Having re read your thread I'm also pleased Kin has you in her life. Keep doing what you're doing. [\quote]

Thanks! We are lucky to have each other.

spike wrote:Does Kim know you have posted?

Hugs for you both

Yes, she knows I have posted, she knows I lurk around the psych forum, because I find it interesting. I asked her before posting, obviously I've changed some information, her name (like I said in the first post) isn't Kim, mine isn't delrey (I use something similar to that on a couple other forums)

She wasn't too keen on me posting at first, but I told her that I was having a hard time responding to what she had asked, and I needed to run ideas past people before giving her my opinion, in case I hadn't thought of something, as this is ususally how my thought process works, and she is usually the person I bounce ideas off of. She said she was ok with me posting, I never would have if she would have said no.

-cheers.

Okay, an update. I came home from work yesterday, and I was planning to get a quick shower, then take her out for a nice dinner. That is something we rarely do, I knew she had been sitting at home thinking to her self about the surgery, as that's been a thing we've talked about a lot over the past couple days, so I wanted to take her mind off of it for a little while.

What I had forgotten is that she had had counseling.

I walked in to our apartment, and put my stuff down.

She wasn't in the main room, so I walked in to the bed room, there she was, curled up on the bed. I laid down with her. She was upset, she was crying. I hugged her from behind, and asked her what was wrong.

Here's the long and short of what she explained.

First, she told me she had been to counseling today, which I had forgotten, then she began speak more. She talked about her surgery with her counselor, on her own (massive kudos to her for that usually I have to encourage her just a little).

Anyway, her counselor strongly suggested not to go for the surgery, because her counselor felt that the surgery would bring back memories that would totally make her relapse to where she was (recovery wise) a coupe years ago. Kim has made a tremendous amount of progress since we moved to where we are now and she started therapy. That is something I haven't mentioned...

She really thought the surgery would be an answer, but she hadn't thought that it might make her relapse, which I know she wouldn't even risk happening. She is immensely proud of her progress and wouldn't risk it for the world.

She was upset, but she's very smart, and I think she is making a good decision by deciding to pass up the surgery. I will support her either way, but right now, she says she doesn't want the surgery, and I don't think it is likely to change.

Anyway, you know, I was talking about saving up money, and as I laid there, I was thinking about how great she is. We've been together for five years, and its been awesome. We talk about getting married all the time, but i dont feel like its serious. I got to seriously considering it as we laid there though. I think it might be time...

We know we don't want kids, and we wouldn't do big wedding, we would get married, probably in a court, and then go somewhere nice for a week together. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, and I think it might be the right time to take the next step.

I felt that even more, as we walked around in a park next to our house after dinner. It was dusk, and I just looked in to her green sparkly eyes, and I dont know, I just felt this great feeling. She is the love of my life.

Here's my question, If I propose to her, it won't effect her in a negative way, will it, I cant imagine it would, but I wouldn't want to hurt her. If someone thinks here it will, I will go talk to her therapist, and if she says its not a good idea, I will regretfully hold back.

I also will talk to kim, before spending money on a ring, but I dont want to make her un-comfortable, or worse... so I want to cover my bases first.

Thanks for input!