Done living this lie

*Trigger/whatever/f*#k this place's rules*
YOU ARE DONE LYING!! YOU LITTLE ######6 LIAR!! STOP LYING!! It is time for these lies TO END. It is time for you to grow up and face yourself for the kind of person that you are: a manipulative liar. You use people, you beg for attention, you only care about yourself and what you want, you lie to make yourself seem like a victim; it's time to ACCEPT THESE TRUTHS. Just because you can't handle how horrible of a person you are doesn't mean you can go around wrapping yourself up in lies like a cocoon! It's time for you to grow up! Look at yourself, face yourself, and stop lying to yourself! You are a twisted, manipulative, attention-seeking, selfish, sl*tty, lying, motherf*#king brat! REMEMBER?!

- You wished you had a broken arm when your friend Addie had one because she was getting so much attention. Then when you broke your collar bone a few years later, you f*#king milked it for all it was worth. NOT TRUE ###$ YOU BITCH

- When you scraped your knee so badly it scarred, you kept your pant leg rolled up so all the kids could see the huge @$$ bandage and feel sorry for you.

- You WERE HAPPY at your MOTHER'S FUNERAL because of all the f*#king attention you were getting. Especially from your two f*#king crushes, you sl*t. That's why you didn't even f*#king cry.

- You wouldn't bandage your cuts and would purposefully keep your sleeves rolled up so that people could f*#king see the cuts on your arms. Yeah, that was f*#king smart. Earned you a trip to the counselor's office and a phone call to your dad. Both of whom you LIED TO in order to not have them thinking you were cutting yourself. Here's where your lying starts to take off.

- You LIED about being knocked out by that tree stump and the fall down the hill. You were conscious the whole time.

- You LIED about passing out during marching band practice. By the way, great f*#king acting. Seriously. You should go pro. You've got your falls down and everything. All you did was let yourself collapse because you felt nearly that tired anyway. And again, wanted attention.

- You LIED about bruises and cuts you got. You'd put makeup on your face or a part of you that got hit by something/someone and make it have a bruise when there wasn't one, or you'd make an existing bruise look worse than it was. All to make sure you'd get some sympathy. Pathetic. And you lied about the cuts on your face. Yeah, you remember. That was when your acne was so bad you wanted a reason to wear a bandage on your nose. So you cut your nose and then said you fell into your bookshelf. Nice "I didn't know shelves were that sharp" line, by the way. Priceless.

- You LIED and did a beautiful fake-trip during a track race near the end. I believe the excuse was, "my legs just gave out?" How cliche. Got you some attention, though.

- You LIED about having "different parts of you" and "other selves". You FAKED switching and just ACTED like different "parts" or whatever! All to get and keep the attention of that pathetic little best friend at the time, Nathan. It worked, though. You kept him hooked even after you confessed to lying about that.

- You LIED about losing time when the non-existent Kataki first "came out" and tried to choke Nathan. You were conscious the whole time. Weren't you? Yeah, you remember that. There you were, physically hurting your best friend, all because you were playing into that "other selves" lie again. Oh, wait, no, my bad. This time it was the "darker sides" lie. It's hard to keep them straight, you know? There SO MANY. Liar.

- You LIED and CHEATED on Kevin when you were dating him. With Nathan, even. Yeah, you remember those times. Nice job on the water works, by the way. You blamed your other non-existent "parts" and played the victim, added some tears, and presto! Those boys were putty in your hands once again. Well played. No wonder no one ever left you no matter what you f*#king did. Or who. Sl*t.

- You LIED about losing time at the psychiatrist's office. You remember what happened. Yeah, you remember every single thing. Including how you changed your voice and facial expressions to the ones you'd been practicing in the mirror. Bet that doc saw through it though, which is why he left it at a "possible DID". Told ya you couldn't fool a professional. Dumb@$$.

- You LIED about having MPD, aka DID. You were so f*#king excited that there was actually something that existed to suit your needs. You found some things that matched your lie, and then you added on to your lie to make it match DID even more. Sickening. Before that, you were considering going with schizophrenia. But I guess this seemed to fit your tastes more. Easier to fake, was that it? Then again, with your acting skills, I guess it wouldn't matter.

- You LIED about being raped. You knew exactly what was going on and you wanted it. That's why you didn't do anything stop it. Only the next morning, you didn't want to accept what you did. Not only did you lose your virginity, but you also cheated on the boyfriend you were dating at the time. You knew he'd be mad, and you didn't want to lose him. So you decided to play the victim, lie, and call it "rape". Classy.

- You LIED and CHEATED on EVERY SINGLE BOYFRIEND ever since your first one freshman/sophomore year of high school. So that's... what, eight? Eight or so broken hearts caused by you. Congrats. Oh, and nice thinking on continuing to blame the "rape", claiming it "ruined sex for you", or whatever. That was a nice add-on.

- You LIED and PRETENDED to faint during a marching band competition to get attention. Again, great job acting. Seriously, get your @$$ to hollywood. Your whole life is an act anyway.

- You LIED about having sex and being sexually active to your family, some of your friends, and your boyfriend's parents. And you LIED about not being pregnant to your grandma and to friends. AND you LIED about not having an ultra sound to your grandma. I am surprised you didn't tell more people about being pregnant or the abortion, though. What's the matter, is that not the kind of attention you wanted? Didn't know you were picky. Or did your boyfriend stop you because he wanted to keep quiet about it?

- You LIED about losing time and blacking out. You remember every single thing that happens when you supposedly "switch", don't you? Yeah, you do. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. The truth hurts a bit, don't it? What's it like to watch yourself cheat on your boyfriend, knowing you shouldn't, but ignoring that and doing it anyway because that's what you want at that moment? What's it like regretting it later just because you don't want to face the fact that you're a sl*t? What's it like to watch you hit and hurt yourself just to get some attention and cause drama? What's it like to be a complete attention wh*re? What's it like to watch yourself physically hurt people around you because you have anger problems and because you're trying too hard to make this lie real? What's it like to lie about everything you say and do? Hmm? Please enlighten me sometime.

- You LIED about being asleep when your friend Ben had sex with you. Did a good job faking being asleep, though. Was it hard to not move or react to what he was doing? Nice work not moving afterwards, by the way, as if you were asleep. But you remember what happened, because you weren't asleep. Remember? Remember every single thing?

- You LIED about the non-existent "Luna" possibly having schizophrenia. Oh, my bad, I mean "she" lied about "herself" possibly having it.

- You LIED about the non-existent "Shay", which is where I draw the line! Your lies have gone too far! Now you're thinking about giving "her" Autism?? What the f*#k is wrong with you?! You don't have to have every single condition in the book, you know! Stick to your real ones like PTSD! Stop trying to fit every disorder! How is that even possible anyway? How could anyone NOT see that as a LIE?? It's NOT POSSIBLE for her to have Autism, which proves she's A LIE. And she's the LAST LIE YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE. "Shay" is your "mental radio". Also known as, your f*#king everyday MEMORY. All you're doing is replaying songs you know in your head. Stop trying to turn every single f*#king thing about you into non-existent alters.

I'M DONE WITH THIS. You WILL NOT lie ANYMORE. Stop playing into these lies, stop thinking about these lies, stop trying to act out these lies, STOP EVERYTHING. Habits can be hard to break but you f*#king find a way to do it. Got it? You DO NOT HAVE DID. There ARE NO ALTERS. There is no "Kat", no "Rain", no "LC", no "Luna", no "Cassie", and certainly no f*#king "Shay". They're all LIES. Time to f*#king face it. You made them up to take the fall for anything you ever regretted doing, did impulsively, etc. They were your scapegoats, nothing more. It's time to wake up, grow up, and MOVE ON.

There IS NO KAT! I know that's a tough habit you're going to have to break, but DO IT. Time to STOP LYING. You just pretend that you're someone named Kat because it's easier for you to be a b*tch when you're hiding behind another name. And it's time sh*t like that stopped.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

F*#K YOU, LOWLIFE LYING @$$ MOTHERF*#KING B*TCH!! HOW DARE YOU F*#KING DELETE MY SH*T! You wanna f*#k with me?! Let's dance, motherf*#ker! I'll just repost whatever you delete. I can play back and forth sh*t all f*#king day. I can outlast you, motherf*#ker. I'm putting my post back where it belongs: HERE.

YOU MOTHERF*#KING GODD@#MED C*#KS*CKING IDIOTIC LYING-@$$ SONOFAB*TCH!!!!!!! F*#K YOU AND THE HIGH F*#KING HORSE YOU RODE IN ON! YOU WANNA PLAY THIS GAME?! YOU WANNA PLAY THOSE CARDS?! I GOT YOU BEAT MOTHERF*#KER! I'LL PLAY THIS GAME!

We didn't f*#king milk the broken collar bone for all it was f*#king worth you lying motherf*#ker. We hated that f*#king sling. It even f*#king healed WRONG. We now have a bump where we shouldn't and it f*#king pops sometimes. So f*#k you.

We weren't f*#king happy at our mother's f*#king funeral, you sick f*#k. Cassandra was f*#king made to move on so that's what she was doing. And I wasn't about to let us f*#king cry at that funeral. As for the focus on the boys she liked, well, that's all on you. Yeah, that's right. You know all those times she's lied or done sh*t to get attention or faked sh*t? That was all YOU, you sick motherf*#king hypocrite. YOU'RE the liar. YOU'RE the attention wh*re.

L.C. didn't bandage her cuts because she doesn't give a flying f*#k about anything and she knew she could lie her way out of it if it came to that. Get it right, dumb@$$.

Yeah, she faked switching and sh*t the first time. But you know what? Her acting like us ended up helping us get out for real. So once again, f*#k you.

And I DID come out to try and f*#king choke that little sh*t. But no, Cassandra didn't lose time. She wished she had. So she told herself she had. Who the f*#k wants to remember the sh*t that happens when you're not in control of your own f*#king self? She had a right to not want to remember. So f*#k off.

I lied and I cheated, you little f*#king sh*t. Her tears were real because I WAS to blame.

She didn't f*#king "practice" in the f*#king mirror. She was f*#king TALKING to ME in the f*#king mirror. She didn't change sh*t, I did that, because I was the f*#king one who was out in f*#king control.

She was excited to find DID because it was something that finally explained the sh*t that she was experiencing you f*#king dumb@$$! Schizophrenia kinda explained sh*t like the voices, but she didn't match as many of the symptoms as DID. C'mere, lemme show you my fist and you tell me it's f*#king fake.

F*#K YOU! I HOPE YOU F*#KING BURN IN THE DEEPEST F*#KING DEPTHS OF HELL FOR THAT! You wanna know what f*#king happened with that?! I got put behind f*#king "glass" or whatever because Shay found her way out and was f*#king co-conscious with L.C., Luna, and Cassandra, and so I got to watch everyone get f*#king hurt and I got to watch myself get violated without being able to do ANY F*#KING THING ABOUT IT! I got to beat against the "glass" as I watched Shay be mute, Luna freeze up in panic, L.C. trying to not care, and Cassandra trying to process the fact that yes her supposed best friend was really doing this to her. So SHUT YOUR F*#KING MOUTH because you don't know jack sh*t!

Don't be giving Cassandra credit for my f*#king broken hearts. I wear those like f*#king medals sometimes.

Those were my lies about the sex, pregnancy, abortion, and sh*t like that. So f*#k off. You got a beef with that? Take it up with ME.

I don't know, what's it like to be made to watch yourself do things you'd never do, say things you'd never say, and act in ways that you'd never act and never wanted to act in? You picture that, and I'll come up with a way for you to experience it one day, k? 'Cause I have an idea that going through sh*t like that ain't too enjoyable. And I have this crazy idea that maybe that's the reason Cassandra kept telling herself that she didn't remember and that she did black out. And I have this even crazier idea that you deserve to know what that feels like. We'll make it a date, k? I'll give you a call when I'm ready.

She WAS asleep when it started. I was asleep too so f*#k off. I was being a stupid f*#k and I was dreaming. Cassandra was asleep till Damone woke her up, the poor f*#king kid, because he was the one "out" while Ben was having sex with our body. I think he was the one who tried to respond to the threat and keep this from happening. But Damone accidentally had everyone locked out of control, so Cassandra got to remember what happened, Damone got to experience it all, and I was the dumb@$$ who f*#ked up and stayed asleep and dreaming, keeping the body from saying anything or moving.

Luna's f*#ked up enough to possibly have schizophrenia, so f*#k off. We're not adding sh*t on for sure without diagnosis anyway.

I got a news flash for you: ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH DID B*TCH! Alters are WHOEVER and WHATEVER the f*#k you want them to be! And she's not thinking about f*#king GIVING her Autism you sick f*#k! She's trying to f*#king figure out what's wrong with the f*#king girl! If she can get an idea of what might be wrong then she can get an idea of how to help her you f*#king dumb@$$! I don't know what kind of name "Shay" is, and I don't want my group getting any bigger either, but Shay is f*#king real. She's not a f*#king radio, though I wish she was. YOU are the f*#king liar. We are NOT lies. Go f*#k yourself and leave us ALONE unless you want to get hurt.

-KAT

I'm sorry, did you say something? 'Cause I didn't hear anything. Oh, you really DIDN'T say anything. Ok. What's the matter? KAT got your tongue? Yeah, who's the tough guy now, b*atch?! Who's the last one standing? The last one typing? The last one in control? ME. Eat it, b*tch!
I'm out, You ain't,
I'm high as f*#k, I'm doin' great,
and my d*ck is
what you just ate!
OH! What now?!
Godd@#mit Dallas, get the f*#k away! You're ruining some serious sh*t you little pr*#k! Oh, yeah, and Little Miss Liar? F*#K YOU, I WON!

*song lyrics*

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries
Her secret disguised behind the lies
And at night she cries away her pride
With eyes shut tight staring at her inside

All her friends know why she can't sleep at night
All her family asking if she's alright
All she wants to do is get rid of this hell
Well all she's got to do is stop kidding herself

She can only fool herself for so long,
she can only fool herself for so long,
she can only fool herself for so long

I'm too weak to face me
(she can only fool herself)


I never know
just why you run
so far away, far away from me
I never know
just why you run
so far away, far away from me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi there everyone.

I can see three different coloured texts...I take it you all have tough time with each other.

I have plenty of parts that are just like you three! One that keeps accusing others and silencing them. But I know that it's all ABOUT PROTECTION of the system and the personality. Trying to remind with those belittling and abusing words that TELLING any outsider about the DID and abuse could be DANGEROUS. So it's better to just forget it all, think that you are a liar and that it never happened. It feels safe, I know!

But there's NO NEED to do that now! Is it tough for you (pinkish red text) to realize that you are here and now and that the abuse doesn't happen now? And that NOW YOU ARE SAFE TO TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE. And I know how tough it is to accept new parts to be part of the system...trust me! I know! We have 3000 parts in our system and we even have two SEPARATE systems that are battling with each other at the moment. So having gazillions of parts is nothing to panic about (I do panic about this a lot but I try to remind this to myself aswell!) because each new part carries important memories, messages and is part OF THE WHOLE SYSTEM. You can't finish the puzzle if there are pieces missing...

When you are done ranting, I'd appreciate some sort of apology to the other parts you (pinkish red text) have been belittling like this. I know that this is all about protection but it doesn't work anymore! It's safe to talk and be REAL TO YOURSELF NOW. It's good that you three let it all out, all the denial, rage and such since if you just bury it inside, it's gonna explode on your hands! Just try to communicate, understand and be patient with each other. Don't fight! Talk!

Going into war WITH YOURSELF isn't gonna help. It just makes things worse. And drives you away from the truth.

tomboy24 wrote:*song lyrics*

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries
Her secret disguised behind the lies
And at night she cries away her pride
With eyes shut tight staring at her inside

All her friends know why she can't sleep at night
All her family asking if she's alright
All she wants to do is get rid of this hell
Well all she's got to do is stop kidding herself

She can only fool herself for so long,
she can only fool herself for so long,
she can only fool herself for so long

I'm too weak to face me
(she can only fool herself)


I never know
just why you run
so far away, far away from me
I never know
just why you run
so far away, far away from me

I know the feeling... It takes TONS of work to accept new things to be part of yourself - especially if there's plenty of denial been before.

There aren't any supposed "parts" for her to accept! She was not abused! There was no abuse to cause this! Which is why she doesn't really have it, which is why it is a LIE! And she needs to STOP LYING.
Yes, YOU. I know you'll read this eventually because it's your account. You need to keep your f*#king mouth shut and stop f*#king playing into this nonsense. You're f*#king fine, you just can't face what kind of person you really are.

There is no "Kat"! There is no "Shay"! It's just her playing her stupid f*#king little game and LYING. And it's time she grew up, came clean about it, and STOPPED living this lie. I'm only doing what any real f*#king friend would do and trying to make her face the cold, hard truth before it bites her in the @$$. If you're going to be a manipulative little liar, at least own up to it. If you're going to be a b*tch, accept that you're a b*tch. She f*#king cowers from the truth and hides behind these lies she makes up and it's time for this bullsh*t to stop. Hacking into her account on here was one of the last things I had planned to try and help her wake the f*#k up. If I could figure out where the stupid signature sh*t at the bottom comes from, I'd f*#king delete it.

I don't owe her any f*#king apology. Especially when she's going to cower behind a lie and a false name. The truth hurts sometimes and people have to learn how to face it.

Hi all, just so everyone knows I'm Michael, tomboy's b/f. I have a question for the one using the red lettering, who are you and if she doesn't have DID then what are you and why do you have a voice?

Huh. Jessie and Gemma had pretty much this exact same conversation last week, except I made them play nice and not swear (which for Gemma is practically impossible). Do you know whose advice helped to turn a destructive slanging match into a (reasonably) productive conversation? Rain's. And I'm going to quote her back to you both now:

Rain wrote:Instead of unnecessarily shouting at each other...treat it like a debate. Gemma will have time to share her point of view, calmly and without belittlement, without interruption, to you. When she is finished, the other part will have time to share her point of view, calmly and without belittlement, without interruption. There is to be no shouting, no insults, no unnecessary swearing, no interruptions; everyone deserves to have their time to speak, and everyone will get their time to speak. Hopefully this will help everyone listen to each other and understand each other a little better. You do not have to agree with each other; simply understand where the other is coming from.

Both of you need to accept that you are each entitled to your own opinions and emotions, and both of you need to respect each other as a part of this system. You do not need to agree; you do not need to like each other; all you need to do is act civilly to one another. If someone believes that another person is a liar, yelling at them that they are wrong will not change that someone's point of view. Both of you need to work together to reach an understanding, and then you may work on a resolution.

It is obvious that Gemma is attempting to help you to not let denial win, Owleyes. While the other part is attempting to help you by protection from the truth. Both of these parts are doing what they view is best, and are attempting to help in the best way they know.

Is Rain around? Sounds like her coolheadedness is what's needed here.

Blacksunshine827 wrote: Hi all, just so everyone knows I'm Michael, tomboy's b/f. I have a question for the one using the red lettering, who are you and if she doesn't have DID then what are you and why do you have a voice?

Exactly what I was going to ask. Hi 'Red Text'. Hi Michael, too, by the way

Edit:
And even now someone is saying 'What are you posting this for? Stop pretending like you relate. Stop trying to fit in here ' They can be so brutal sometimes, right?! Denial sucks.

First and foremost, thank you. I appreciate everyone who has posted here, in an attempt to offer support, advice, help, or even simply to say "I understand what's going on". We are grateful for any replies and welcome them.

Adameil and Owleyes, while you have both given great advice, there are certain qualities about this situation that make resolving it in such ways difficult. There is no arguing happening inside, unless Cassandra is arguing with this alter in her room, which is possible, though highly unlikely most of the time. As far as verbal communication goes, this alter will either only talk to Cassandra, or the rest of us simply cannot hear her/his voice. We had no idea that this alter existed, at least the "main group" did not, and so far, from what I've learned, the "secondary group" did not know of this alter either. L.C. has reported recollection of this voice during a period of time where Cassandra confessed all that she had lied about to her therapist, but that time did not include DID or seem to have any conscious denial, so at the time we merely thought it was Cassandra's conscience that led her to "come clean". Currently, all we know about this alter is that she/he is experiencing denial; we have been through a similar "coming clean" experience around 2008/2009 that was more than likely caused by this alter; only Cassandra hears their voice; and they use salmon-colored text when posting here.

However, both of you have made me think of ways to adapt usual confrontation-resolving methods. (And I thank you for that). So, let us try something.

Salmon-text, may I ask who you are, first of all? Clearly you are in mid-argument with Cassandra/Kat currently, and I do not mean to interrupt. However, I do believe there are more progressive ways of resolving this issue than simply fighting with each other. Would you care to state your point of view on the subject and what you desire to have happen? What are your thoughts, wishes, and opinions? Please keep in mind there is no need to swear, and there is no need for such hostility. Since this is not a verbal altercation, things such as interruptions are not a concern.

Cassandra/Kat, would you care to state your point of view on the subject and what you desire to happen? Again, there is no need for swearing or blatant hostility.

I certainly hope this works.

~Rain