I am a narcissist. I don't want to be this way.

I have known for quite some time that I have narcissistic tendencies, but I have committed acts in the recent months that have proven to me that I am a textbook narcissist. I am scouring the internet, trying to find ways to understand and begin coping with this disorder. Everywhere I turn, I get the stories of people who have been hurt, but I find very, very little in the way of genuine help for the disorder. Who / what do I need to turn to in order to start helping myself?

I know that I cannot be "fixed." I know that at best, I can only create ways to manage my disorder, never curing it. However, even that information is very hard to come by in any fashion that isn't geared toward the victims of narcissistic people. And their advice is always to shun them like lepers, while raising up the few examples who recognize their problem and want to seek treatment with a "good for them," but never anything else.

I feel profoundly alone right now. I have a wife and two small children that I must be a better partner and parent for, respectively. I need help. I cannot bear to hurt them anymore. I don't want to be like this.

You are correct, there is very little advice except to 'run' 'cut the cord' etc for the partners etc . Also leper is quite kind, I read a very 'helpful' book that actually said 'these people are NOT human".... like wtf. They also say 'these people don't show their true selves'..... well you're hardly likely to if you know the result is your significant other is going to cut the cord and veiw you as 'not human'.... infinate loop....
Anyway, I'll write something up on any ideas I have on my sadly neglected blog in the next few days.
Theres obviously a gap there and someone has to fill it.

FaultyWiring wrote:I have known for quite some time that I have narcissistic tendencies, but I have committed acts in the recent months that have proven to me that I am a textbook narcissist. I am scouring the internet, trying to find ways to understand and begin coping with this disorder. Everywhere I turn, I get the stories of people who have been hurt, but I find very, very little in the way of genuine help for the disorder. Who / what do I need to turn to in order to start helping myself?

I know that I cannot be "fixed." I know that at best, I can only create ways to manage my disorder, never curing it. However, even that information is very hard to come by in any fashion that isn't geared toward the victims of narcissistic people. And their advice is always to shun them like lepers, while raising up the few examples who recognize their problem and want to seek treatment with a "good for them," but never anything else.

I feel profoundly alone right now. I have a wife and two small children that I must be a better partner and parent for, respectively. I need help. I cannot bear to hurt them anymore. I don't want to be like this.

Don't try to fight it just accept it is my best piece of advice. If you can't give your children the love they need then at least try to compensate with money or other things.

easyfromhere wrote:You are correct, there is very little advice except to 'run' 'cut the cord' etc for the partners etc . Also leper is quite kind, I read a very 'helpful' book that actually said 'these people are NOT human".... like wtf. They also say 'these people don't show their true selves'..... well you're hardly likely to if you know the result is your significant other is going to cut the cord and veiw you as 'not human'.... infinate loop....

That's how I feel.

Anyway, I'll write something up on any ideas I have on my sadly neglected blog in the next few days.
Theres obviously a gap there and someone has to fill it.

I'm creating the gap. I can see where I'm doing this wrong. I just don't know how to fix me.

Scarface12 wrote:Don't try to fight it just accept it is my best piece of advice. If you can't give your children the love they need then at least try to compensate with money or other things.

I cannot do that. I cannot give up on my children, and become just a source of money for them. How can I ever hope to achieve positive human relationships by reducing myself to a dollar sign? How does that not help to anchor the disorder? I'm looking for a way to make a better life for them, and stepping away from two small children and abandoning them certainly doesn't sound like a good idea for their future.

It's not about me not providing the love they need, I do that just fine. It's about the things I do, the way I think, the way I react to things. If anything, it's about providing my wife the love she needs, and I'm incapable of doing that - or, I'm simply unwilling, and can't seem to make the connection. As my children get older, it may get more difficult for me to do that for them as well. I need to be able to be there for them when they need me.

This is exactly how I feel.. It feels like hell on earth. I feel trapped and hopeless. The thought of scarring or damaging my daughter makes me nauseous but my behaviors,defense mechanisms, lack of empathy,selfishness, attention craving, and way of thinking seem so uncontrollable. I feel so pathological because I'm usually not self aware at all. It's so scary... You have my support 100 percent.

I know it's discouraging because there is like NO success stories of us on here, no support or hope, but I really pray that there is hope somehow.

Pink2012 wrote:This is exactly how I feel.. It feels like hell on earth. I feel trapped and hopeless. The thought of scarring or damaging my daughter makes me nauseous but my behaviors,defense mechanisms, lack of empathy,selfishness, attention craving, and way of thinking seem so uncontrollable. I feel so pathological because I'm usually not self aware at all. It's so scary... You have my support 100 percent.

I know it's discouraging because there is like NO success stories of us on here, no support or hope, but I really pray that there is hope somehow.

I keep trying to stand in front of my thought patterns. I am very aware of the thoughts going through my mind, and how I'm trying to fight back and oppose when things don't go my way, or when I don't like what's being said to me.

The problem is, that awareness fades with time. It usually involves having some sort of crisis that enables this focus. In order to achieve this, I am realizing that I may have to live my life with the feeling of everpresent crisis. I will have to constantly keep myself in check, which is what all people do at some level. I already do in professional and personal settings, but I never realized that I'd have to expand my efforts in such radical ways. I have to become my own interrupt.

My problem is in dealing with the damage I've already done, and the nagging doubt that I cannot express genuine empathy. I am in a spiral where I cannot trust my mind. I feel like I'm in Memento, where I have a Polaroid of my own face with "don't trust his lies" written on the back of it. So I am constantly unsure of whether I don't have the ability to feel, or I do have the ability to feel and have just cut myself off from it.

This is why I'm getting a therapist. And that's after I took the last one and convinced them that I was a victim in the scenario I was in. I also see narcissistic tendency in that therapist, because even after doing the terrible stuff and weaving the terrible lies I did (which I'm not getting into here), she still wanted to have my wife and I back in for a session after essentially conspiring with me against my wife. And that's the same sort of nonsense my mother does to me - and the more I look at her, the more I see that she's a borderline sociopath.

I'm coming 100% clean with the next therapist, because I need to keep myself honest. I have to drop the facade in order to be real with myself, because that's the only way I can be real with the world around me. It's the only way I can connect with the woman I love. And I love her. But I cannot prove it, and that's what's killing me inside. I love her so dearly that I would hurt her to keep her near me. And that's just sick. That's my sickness. And I don't want to be sick. I don't want to hurt others, especially the ones I care for the most. There's a reason I don't let people get too close, and the one I loved enough to pull her into me has been shredded for over a decade. She's so tough, that she can get up and walk again. She's wounded far more than she will ever show, but she is still strong enough to withstand me.

I have to be just as strong in order to make myself not be this way. I have to accept that I am this way, and create avenues for that energy to express in positive avenues instead of negative ones. And I have to do this knowing full well that I contain a monster within me.

I can't tell my four-year old to not give up on a soccer field if I give up on my marriage, my life, my wife, my daughters, everything. I cannot allow myself to have them be the children of such a gross hypocrite. I cannot allow them to have such a terrible role model, no matter how much daddy loves them, they cannot escape learning the same disease that I learned from my parents.

I must take responsibility. The monster must stop with me. And I am not the hero of the story. I am not going to save anyone but myself, because I have to do this for myself in order to not be poisonous to others. I am the villain. I am the monster. But I have to learn how to keep it in check. I have to defend myself from the monster in order to defend others from the monster.

I feel like I could of written that myself. You are the first parent I've seen on here wanting so badly to be a better parent and spouse and that's refreshing to me. I plan on doing the same thing you are. Being 100 percent clean with a brand new therapist and for the first time giving it my all and not giving up. My judgment seems so impaired and delusional and I'm always finding ways to play victim or blame others but just like you, I'm ready to keep myself in check every time my awareness fades. I'm ready to essentially parent and discipline myself if it means not hurting others.

I've heard that it's a major huge big deal for a narcissist to realize they are one, and want to get better. I think it's great that I read so many posts on here from people who realize they are narcissists and want help. Isn't that the biggest and hardest step of all?

I just want to tell you that if I were in your wife's shoes, I would want to hear the words you wrote here. Good luck to you.

The first thing to do is stop beating yourself up about the past.
Its done, you can say to yourself and loved ones "I did all I knew how to do at the time".

With the lying, well, sometimes stopping lying is difficult. When you actually start to say "no i don't want to go ballroom dancing" rather than 'guess so', when you say "i'm going to party like its 1999 after work" instead of "looks like i'm going to be working really late" can of course bring on the things that make people lie in the first place, the other persons disapproval upset etc.
Thing is it is OK to be disapproved of by your partner, friends, kids etc.
I did my blog post, started it in april 2013, lol. Link is in my profile.
When I get stressed and bothered, for me, I play Tetris online. It takes full control to get those blocks in position and the wandering negative thoughts disappear like mist when the sun comes up.

Pink and Faulty, you both have the most important thing in being a parent, consideration and concern about your children. Really, you're leaps ahead of many.

Oh, as for the 'living fake' how about starting with saying things like "i'm feeing a bit grumpy, give me a couple minutes to chill". Then do something to chill (deep breathing, star jumps, tetris, walk dog, paint toenails, whatever floats your boat.).
good luck
And there are lots of success stories, the people who have them are too busy enjoying their lives than sitting around posting on the internet. You don't post on the internet when your new blender works.... only when it blows up.