I am a narcissist. I don't want to be this way.

easyfromhere wrote:The first thing to do is stop beating yourself up about the past.
Its done, you can say to yourself and loved ones "I did all I knew how to do at the time".

I'm sorry, but that sounds like an excuse to me (in my case). I can't allow myself room for excuses, because I take them. I make myself into a victim and then feed on the sympathy. I can't allow myself to do that, because it gives me what I want. And what I want is to be sick, while what I need is to break the cycle. And I have to remain adamant in an effort to try to dig that pathway while I'm still emotionally lucid.

With the lying, well, sometimes stopping lying is difficult. When you actually start to say "no i don't want to go ballroom dancing" rather than 'guess so', when you say "i'm going to party like its 1999 after work" instead of "looks like i'm going to be working really late" can of course bring on the things that make people lie in the first place, the other persons disapproval upset etc.
Thing is it is OK to be disapproved of by your partner, friends, kids etc.

Problem is, I lie to myself, then believe the lie. I convince myself that my lie is the truth. I muddle just enough truth in it to make it seem plausible, then go with it full-force. So, stopping the lying to others is actually easy. Stopping the lying to myself...that's tough.

I did my blog post, started it in april 2013, lol. Link is in my profile.
When I get stressed and bothered, for me, I play Tetris online. It takes full control to get those blocks in position and the wandering negative thoughts disappear like mist when the sun comes up.

That's awesome. I can't throw myself into videogames, because I have done so since I was a small child. I've recently seen that I have a dependency on it - not an addiction, because it's not compulsive - but I use it as an emotional crutch whenever I feel upset, and I stay there because it allows me to run from my problems rather than tackle them head on. It's probably the moment where I start believing the lies in my own head, because I don't have to examine their flimsy nature anymore.

Pink and Faulty, you both have the most important thing in being a parent, consideration and concern about your children. Really, you're leaps ahead of many.

That's a relief.

Oh, as for the 'living fake' how about starting with saying things like "i'm feeing a bit grumpy, give me a couple minutes to chill". Then do something to chill (deep breathing, star jumps, tetris, walk dog, paint toenails, whatever floats your boat.).
good luck

Thank you.

And there are lots of success stories, the people who have them are too busy enjoying their lives than sitting around posting on the internet. You don't post on the internet when your new blender works.... only when it blows up.

Man, that's the kicker we all need, right there.

Dang easyfromhere, ever think about being a motivational speaker? A therapist? You always know what to say!

How are you doing faulty? I know we are about the same in our "journey" fight now and I was wondering if you've been doing ok keeping yourself in check. I already feel self awareness slipping and thinking "eh, maybe I'm just overthinking and overreacting. Maybe I'm not too bad" but I know I can't let myself be unaware of my issues again like I always do. I can't slip back.i can't be I. Denial and crawl back in my shell.

This shi* is so confusing! Can't wait til I'm in therapy.

I've actually been doing great with the lying! I'm impressed. It's one of my main focuses and I'm impressed.

A few slip ups I noticed today was getting really grandiose when doing my makeup, I took pics of myself and posted them on Facebook for likes. I chased my daughter around with the camera as well. I was meeting up with a highschool friend and thought about how I'd impress her. I bought a bunch of things for my sisters babyshower just to seem like the best sister ever and be a show off and to impress people. And I noticed something when I took my daughter to an art class today. I noticed a few things actually. I noticed how insecure I am in social settings. I get embarrassed easily, I hate myself if I make myself look stupid, I find it hard to talk to and relate to others, I try and impress people I talk to, and I am just so paranoid the whole time as to what people think of me. I feel so uncomfortable with myself. I also noticed something that kinda scared me...my daughters not even 3 so of course she couldn't really do her art projects in this class. Most parents let their kids go at it even if they do crappy. I'm basically doing it for my daughter,taking away her fun and creativity to make it look better and be more perfect. I picked a lot of the colors and stuff and so often I just take over. I'm almost like a perfectionist.

I read about something called infantizing today to. And it's 100 percent what I do. It's when narcissistic moms are unfulfilled,insecure, and needy do they treat their children a lot younger than what they are because they enjoy their kids being dependent on them and feeling needed and having a "baby"..... I often find it upsetting that my daughter won't be a baby anymore. I find myself still wanting to treat her like one. She sleeps with me, I spoil her, I assist her with dressing and a lot of things kids her age do theirselves. I baby talk to her, and I literally treat her a lot younger often. And this was something that gave me hope I was a good loving mom...the fact that I reeeally baby her. But nope, that's a selfish abusive damaging needy narcissistic parent trait to!!! Good grief:/

Hi Pink and Faulty (makes me think of faulty towers).
I won't post on thise forum for awhile, it is for NPD, so have started a little blog on this site to put musings.
Pink, i think counselling would be great for you as you have obviously some self esteem issues. I found it hard to resist the tempation to just 'put the nose on' or add a dab of extra paint to my kids creations... just have to hold yourself back i think.
Posting on facebook, maybe you can use the 'updates' to put some of the things you do that are more how you want to be, like "made scones with little one, big mess, cleaned up the snowy kitchen while she did some drawing".
Also.... you ASKED how my family is. Thats super.
I think when we have problems we get so involved in them we forget to ask how others are going.
Family is good thankyou. Thanks for the compliments, that how I've come out after 10 years with my dear 'person with strong narcisstic behaviours' partner, I really believe, if life dishes you lemons, make lemonade, even if it turns out horrid its still a venture. And I am a qualified counsellor but don't practice it yet, but may soon.
With the babying, don't stress too much, read up on childhood development, to be honest I tend not to push my kids too much. I found it amazing that other kids at daycare could put socks on, do up shoe laces etc... I just assumed everyone helped their kids dress til about 5.

Faulty, I see you feel you want to be tough on yourself, not make 'excuses'. In one way you are right, excuses are not great, however I think you do need to be kind and compassionate to yourself. It is like trying to force a person to relax, or force yourself into a new form.
Perhaps when you lie to yourself, write it down on notepad. Put your reasons, your justifications etc and then look at it a few days later and see how 'reasonable' they seem later.
Are they biggies or do they effect others?
What would happen if you tell the truth?
So if you don't want excuse, try to be gentle and soft on yourself for a few minutes when you wake up "i'm a good provider" or "I treat cats kindly" to start the day.
On occassion I dip into my 19 year old daugher's clothing and make up, complete with false eyelashes and I tell myself "I look great"..... so guess everyone lies to themselves at times.
I'll keep my blog updated

easyfromhere wrote:Hi Pink and Faulty (makes me think of faulty towers).
I won't post on thise forum for awhile, it is for NPD, so have started a little blog on this site to put musings.
Pink, i think counselling would be great for you as you have obviously some self esteem issues. I found it hard to resist the tempation to just 'put the nose on' or add a dab of extra paint to my kids creations... just have to hold yourself back i think.
Posting on facebook, maybe you can use the 'updates' to put some of the things you do that are more how you want to be, like "made scones with little one, big mess, cleaned up the snowy kitchen while she did some drawing".
Also.... you ASKED how my family is. Thats super.
I think when we have problems we get so involved in them we forget to ask how others are going.
Family is good thankyou. Thanks for the compliments, that how I've come out after 10 years with my dear 'person with strong narcisstic behaviours' partner, I really believe, if life dishes you lemons, make lemonade, even if it turns out horrid its still a venture. And I am a qualified counsellor but don't practice it yet, but may soon.
With the babying, don't stress too much, read up on childhood development, to be honest I tend not to push my kids too much. I found it amazing that other kids at daycare could put socks on, do up shoe laces etc... I just assumed everyone helped their kids dress til about 5.

Faulty, I see you feel you want to be tough on yourself, not make 'excuses'. In one way you are right, excuses are not great, however I think you do need to be kind and compassionate to yourself. It is like trying to force a person to relax, or force yourself into a new form.
Perhaps when you lie to yourself, write it down on notepad. Put your reasons, your justifications etc and then look at it a few days later and see how 'reasonable' they seem later.
Are they biggies or do they effect others?
What would happen if you tell the truth?
So if you don't want excuse, try to be gentle and soft on yourself for a few minutes when you wake up "i'm a good provider" or "I treat cats kindly" to start the day.
On occassion I dip into my 19 year old daugher's clothing and make up, complete with false eyelashes and I tell myself "I look great"..... so guess everyone lies to themselves at times.
I'll keep my blog updated

This man really doesn't seem like a narcissist to me, he seems too remorseful and and too concerned. If this man truly has NPD there is no point in wasting time fighting it. I am truly convinced you have way better chance of changing someone gay to straight than you do turning NPD into A nON. Being a true NPD is uncurable and therefore the only choice you have is to accept it and learn to be at peace with it(I Never had any problems accepting im NPD,but I dont have kids im sure that would complicate things)I guess what I mean to say is that if you have NPD you will still love your kids, you just love them in your own way.Im sorry OP, but did your wife try to convince you you were NPD, because you seem like a very nice guy who is just desperate to get whats best for his kids. Its just really weird but in theory it possible,a NPD can love his kids,but its because he loves himself and he views his kids and his spouse as an expansion or extension of ones self.

Easyfromhere, thank you! You seriously give me so much reassurance and hope!

I'm trying to find the best therapist around. I want someone who is familiar with personality disorders and self esteem. I would like to learn some "mindfulness therapy"....I notice I have a lot of histrionic and borderline personality traits and I just have a lot of work to do.

Scarface, I hear that a lot. But I really hope there is hope for narcissists that are self aware and WANT to change. Even if it's a lot of work or takes a while I hope there's away that our minds can be changed or we can reconstruct our minds. I don't want to be a narcissist! This isn't who I want to be. I feel like I can never accept this. I don't want to love my daughter because she's an expansion of me and gives me supply like how I do right now. It's not healthy for me or her. I want to be a real genuine empathetic selfless loving mother. It feels impossible but I want it so bad!!

Distance yourself from the media non-sense about no contact and inhuman narc. psychopath blueshiet.
Reality is that we humans have to treat others with respect to earn their respect without wanting anything in return and do it just because of feeling doing good. Doing too much resembles a vulnerable narcissist and doing too less resembles a sociopath narcissist. Fide the balance, drop your ego mask and find the person who is responsible for the hurt you are suffering from, if you can.

Forgive that person, if not reachable then forgive him or her in your mind and you will see improvements towards emotional intelligence.

Self awareness and constant self monitoring is key. It's really tough, because I can only be self aware some of the time. Other times I'm totally in thrall to my disorder and oblivious to the effects of my behaviour until after the damage has been done.

I am a parent and I do try to be a good one. He's had some tough moments in his teen years and I've done my best to be as supportive as possible. Sometimes though I catch myself bridling with annoyance when I have to help him deal with his problems. My instinctive mental reaction is that I don't have time to deal with that $#%^ and I want to be dismissive. I also want to control him and micro manage his life.

However, I guess we're both lucky in that as far as he's concerned I'm able to override my destructive behaviours, 99% of the time. I hate the idea of hurting him and would never intentionally do that. We have never argued and he has the freedom to be who he wants to be and do what he wants to do, and so far he's proved to be responsible.

So, if you have NPD it is possible to moderate your behaviour to a degree, even if you don't ever truly change inside. You can be a good parent as long as you make a conscious effort to focus on your child's needs (both emotional and material) and be there for them. I don't believe you can cure yourself of NPD, all you can do is try to be a good person, and even though you may fail sometimes, it's better than not trying at all.

Nightdrive wrote: I'm totally in thrall to my disorder and oblivious to the effects of my behaviour until after the damage has been done.

I catch myself bridling with annoyance when I have to help him deal with his problems. My instinctive mental reaction is that I don't have time to deal with that $#%^ and I want to be dismissive. I also want to control him and micro manage his life.

So, if you have NPD it is possible to moderate your behaviour

Oh, it's you again.

Yes, you can tell by my username. It's there on all my posts. Well spotted!

and then all the girls cried because they can no longer PM Nightdrive (I have valid input!)