I am a narcissist. I don't want to be this way.

Nightdrive wrote:Self awareness and constant self monitoring is key. It's really tough, because I can only be self aware some of the time. Other times I'm totally in thrall to my disorder and oblivious to the effects of my behaviour until after the damage has been done.

I am a parent and I do try to be a good one. He's had some tough moments in his teen years and I've done my best to be as supportive as possible. Sometimes though I catch myself bridling with annoyance when I have to help him deal with his problems. My instinctive mental reaction is that I don't have time to deal with that $#%^ and I want to be dismissive. I also want to control him and micro manage his life.

However, I guess we're both lucky in that as far as he's concerned I'm able to override my destructive behaviours, 99% of the time. I hate the idea of hurting him and would never intentionally do that. We have never argued and he has the freedom to be who he wants to be and do what he wants to do, and so far he's proved to be responsible.

So, if you have NPD it is possible to moderate your behaviour to a degree, even if you don't ever truly change inside. You can be a good parent as long as you make a conscious effort to focus on your child's needs (both emotional and material) and be there for them. I don't believe you can cure yourself of NPD, all you can do is try to be a good person, and even though you may fail sometimes, it's better than not trying at all.

At this point you wouldn't have NPD though, you would just have narcissistic tendencies.Which I see as a best of both worlds type of approach.

Anais wrote:and then all the girls cried because they can no longer PM Nightdrive (I have valid input!)

I hadn't realised I'd turned PMs off. PM away if you like

Scarface12 wrote:At this point you wouldn't have NPD though, you would just have narcissistic tendencies.Which I see as a best of both worlds type of approach.

I'm not sure about that. I'm no expert on the subject but surely having NPD doesn't mean you can't consciously try to avoid hurting particular people.

I suspect I behave the way I do towards him partly because I want to be seen as the Good Parent, mostly for my own sake. I want him to view me positively and I like the idea of being his teacher and role model.

I know this sounds bad, but I don't miss him when he's not around. I feel that way about everybody though.

FaultyWiring wrote:I have known for quite some time that I have narcissistic tendencies, but I have committed acts in the recent months that have proven to me that I am a textbook narcissist. I am scouring the internet, trying to find ways to understand and begin coping with this disorder. Everywhere I turn, I get the stories of people who have been hurt, but I find very, very little in the way of genuine help for the disorder. Who / what do I need to turn to in order to start helping myself?

I know that I cannot be "fixed." I know that at best, I can only create ways to manage my disorder, never curing it. However, even that information is very hard to come by in any fashion that isn't geared toward the victims of narcissistic people. And their advice is always to shun them like lepers, while raising up the few examples who recognize their problem and want to seek treatment with a "good for them," but never anything else.

I feel profoundly alone right now. I have a wife and two small children that I must be a better partner and parent for, respectively. I need help. I cannot bear to hurt them anymore. I don't want to be like this.

let me guess...youve recently cheated, got caught, and now you feel a sudden rush of guilt? just guessing. I can only imagine such a thing !

FaultyWiring wrote:I have known for quite some time that I have narcissistic tendencies, but I have committed acts in the recent months that have proven to me that I am a textbook narcissist. I am scouring the internet, trying to find ways to understand and begin coping with this disorder. Everywhere I turn, I get the stories of people who have been hurt, but I find very, very little in the way of genuine help for the disorder. Who / what do I need to turn to in order to start helping myself?

I know that I cannot be "fixed." I know that at best, I can only create ways to manage my disorder, never curing it. However, even that information is very hard to come by in any fashion that isn't geared toward the victims of narcissistic people. And their advice is always to shun them like lepers, while raising up the few examples who recognize their problem and want to seek treatment with a "good for them," but never anything else.

I feel profoundly alone right now. I have a wife and two small children that I must be a better partner and parent for, respectively. I need help. I cannot bear to hurt them anymore. I don't want to be like this.

I think you should meekly tell your wife that you feel alone and helpless, then see if you can genuinely accept whatever comfort and support she offers you - surrender your feelings to her and trust in her response, irrespective of what that response is.

My view of narcissism is of a hiding of oneself. At his core the N feels worthless, empty, or voided. So the most primitive method is used as a remedy, which is splitting, or separation through the use of opposite states. If he feels worthless, than the most effective tool of escape is a mental one. He escapes to the opposite pole of victor, king. He imagines himself the king in the castle as the cure for his powerlessness (god complex). If he is omnipotent,then that is the ultimate power over those from whom he feels controlled (he feels controlled by almost everyone because he has no internal power since it has been voided). This is the external point where things go terribly wrong, because now the N must set out to prove to himself that he is the king in the castle. This state of grandiosity must be maintained, lest the true state he is hiding from (hollowness), will rise up (and there is an ever present anxiety that the black void is encroaching...compulsions often begin here). It's a grandiosity bubble that is always in need of being inflated, so that he can attempt to hide from the emptiness. He realizes to be a king, he must control, manipulate, and especially subjugate his subjects...by using others he keeps his grandiosity intact (for the moment) and creates a mental world to fit his grand view as god. This requires that in the beginning of relationships he overvalue the other to feed his grandiosity (they must be wonderful to be associated with me), and to extract supply, but eventually the view of other must flip to it's opposite pole, devaluation, in order not to get too close for fear of the other hurting the N or seeing behind the mask covering the void. The final use of the other is the expulsion of other which serves the grandiosity further while keeping the N "safe" as the "victor."
The N sets out on a course of an endless loop of emptiness because he cannot bear to face the pain from the original abandonment of self. It is a hiding from oneself by using others to create a mental fantasy that keeps him alone and trapped in a self-defeating script. And until the N realizes and understands his script, the "victor"/king, is the victim of his disorder. It doesn't begin to change until he can let go of the defense mechanisms, defending against his own malignant core view of himself. He often thinks it's his relationships with others that is the problem, but it's his relationship with himself. This is because the relationship with himself has been reduced to an addictive path or pathology of hiding, by casting himself as a character in a "safe" omnipotent land. Addictions always create more pain in the long run, because they are an attempt to hide from a deeper pain.