What am I?

Disclaimer: I have never and will never harm a child, and have never and don't intend to do anything illegal.

Introduction: I think what I'm trying to do here is paint a picture. I've linked to my other topics in my signature. What I find I have is a whole cluster of problems. Perhaps the main problem comes across as being self-absorbed?

POCD / Paedophile-OCD: I have sometimes wondered if I have paedophile-OCD.

Paedophilia?

I am obsessed with the idea of being a paedophile.

I don't get pleasure from any sexual fantasies. I don't have what I would class as sexual fantasies.

I can force myself to think of children, and to imagine doing things to them. My visual imagination isn't very good. I imagine myself kissing them or penetrating them, but I don't think I get any pleasure out of this.

When I'm around children I sometimes get a sensation in my genitalia, or in my lips. I am very vigilant about my sensations when I am around children.

I used to fall in love, or develop obsessions about, or be drawn to, or be attracted to, or have fondness for, peers of mine when I was younger. When I was in school. But I haven't had that for years now. Since roughly my second year of university. One theory is that when the people I used to be fond of reached physical / emotional maturity, I ceased to be fond of them. Therefore I am only fond of people who are not physically / emotionally mature. Therefore I am a paedophile.

I have read about the distinction between 'fixated' and 'regressed' paedophiles. I do not feel attracted to adults (to anyone, really). If I were either I would class myself as a 'fixated' paedophile.

When I was at secondary school, and sometimes, I think, at university, I think I used to be turned on by fat. Fatness. Overweight people. I can't remember if I 'forced' this or not. I was sometimes able to masturbate to these pictures, or to very vague imaginings of 'feederism'. But sometimes it wouldn't work, and I speculate that I was somehow forcing myself to be attracted to this, forcing an association between masturbation and these thoughts, so that I had something to be attracted to. Alternatively, I displaced my attraction to children onto something else. I think this because as I have got older (I am now 22) I lost this attraction. So I think it was only there when I was amongst physically / emotionally immature people.

I think I may have been turned on / attracted to fat children / children fattening up at some point, but I'm not now.

I'm not sure I know what sexual arousal is. But I do not think that I am sexually aroused by children. Certainly I do not get pleasure out of it. But I do notice a sensation in my groinal area and my lips, like a movement, or a tingling, in my groin, and a sensation of dryness and a tendency to lick my lips. Sometimes I assess I get an increased heart rate around children.

Perhaps 'asexual' would be the best label to describe me. But I am obsessed with the idea of being a paedophile. When I was sitting in an evening course I could not remember what was being said. I could not focus on it. I could not even keep up to write out what the teacher was saying. All I felt I could do was write stuff about how much I loved children.

I have told all this to the mental health team I'm seeing (originally for psychosis, now possibly they're going to send me somewhere else for Asperger's Syndrome). They don't think it's paedophilia. They tell me things like 'paedophilia needs lust', which I don't seem to have.

I have words (not visual words / words that I can see, but not words that I can hear either - mental words, perhaps) going round in my mind sometimes. Words like 'paedophile', 'molest', as well as '@@@@@@@', 'war', 'peace', and a whole lot of others.

Sometimes I believe I am a paedophile and want to kill myself. I have this belief even though I do not seem to have fantasies.

Sometimes I believe that I am a very controlling / 'Dominating' (in a non-sexual way) person.

That's all that's in my mind for now. I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it. I'm getting the repetitive words about being a paedophile in my head so I'm going to bring this to a close.

Any thoughts on this?

Some questions include:

- Am I a pedophile (to use the American spelling)?

- What should I do about these thoughts?

- Should I be working or volunteering around children with the thoughts I've mentioned above?

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Sometimes I feel drawn towards children, and feel that the only way my mind would stop having horrible, 'mentally painful' thoughts would be by working around them or with them every now and then. So I have this 'draw' towards children, and feel they would stop my repetitive obsessional thoughts about being a pedophile. I persuade myself that for my own mental health / happiness / ability to function I've got to be around children.

But I've tried to teach, and I've never known what to say! I've never had words come into my head. I've never been able to teach.

So I don't really know what to do. The thoughts were really bad this morning when I was on a car trip to another city, but they've got a bit better now. This morning the only thing I could think about was how horrible life was, and how I was doomed to a dead-end job or a life on benefits, and how I would be able to express my condition well enough to get the equivalent of incapacity benefit if need be, and how I needed to be around children if these thoughts were to stop. But they've got better. Earlier this morning I was convinced I was a pedophile!

Yet these aren't fantasies about children, I don't think. I've told all this to my local mental health team.

Anyway, if anyone has had any similar experiences or has any constructive comments I would like to hear them.

POCD / Paedophile-OCD: I have sometimes wondered if I have paedophile-OCD.

Do you have obsessive thoughts or behaviour patterns? It would be important to know if you have OCD that's making you believe you might be a pedophile. You mentioned you have no lust or desires concerning children. This indicates you are not sexually attracted to children and that's why not a pedophile. But then you say something like this:

When I was sitting in an evening course I could not remember what was being said. I could not focus on it. I could not even keep up to write out what the teacher was saying. All I felt I could do was write stuff about how much I loved children.

You could genuinely feel non-sexual platonic love for children and want to write about it, that's a possibility. When you reach an orgasm, I assume you masturbate every once in a while, what do you have in mind at that moment? I fantasized sexually about children long before I recognized I was a pedophile, so if you don't even fantasize about them then the odds are you are not a pedophile despite your fear of being one.

When I'm around children I sometimes get a sensation in my genitalia, or in my lips. I am very vigilant about my sensations when I am around children.

This is probably the easiest bit to reply. You observe your behaviour intensely when around children and this stressful checking of whether you are attracted to kids or not will make you anxious and it leads to these sensations or even boners, but they are psychological not a cause of your underlying sexuality.

You also mention your lack of sexual interest in your peers, which could be a sign of pedophilia, but again I can't say for certain, since it could be also a sign of depression, asexuality etc...

I don't know if this was a helpful reply... I hope so.