where to get help?????

Hi! I wonder if anyone knows of a therapist anywhere in the areas of Brighton, Derby or Milton Keynes (or anywhere in the UK), or in the South of Spain, who can help me deal with a very obsessive paraphilia which has totally screwed up my life (I live with extreme psychological turmoil and guilt - one side of me is very soft and gentle.. the other a sadistic monster - I have never been able to have sex and feel so depressed all the time I haven't worked for many years and cannot see any point in being alive)? The UK National Health Service has offered me no help - and no hope. Most private counsellors or therapy centres I have spoken to have either never even heard of paraphilia or charge a huge amount (The Priory for example quoted me £350 for a one hour initial consultation and then, if they felt they may be able to help, £130 for each 30 minute session - possibly a few of these every week over a prolonged period). In a knee jerk reaction to certain criminal cases the UK government has channeled huge resources into blocking everyone from looking at certain "violent" websites yet refuses to admit voluntary paraphiliacs for treatment (they will of course consider treatment for those have offended). It seems that the UK government actually wants people to commit serious crimes. Does anyone know where I can get any help please? Thank you.

Hi,

I have only been living in the UK for 8 months but I can already see that 'it' regards paraphilia in the same way as other nations - i.e. as something that there is 'no' recovery from. That's the public opinion. Once you have it, you're doomed for the rest of your life and don't deserve any second chance. Well, the NHS might not help you directly, but can they not give you a list of private sector professionals who could help you? What exactly did you say to the NHS anyway?

Kevin

I have unchosen sexual issues and i have the same problems. Like you, i live in S. UK and have family to visit in S. Spain

Help with sexual issues have been forgotten and totally pushed to one side in order to make room for child protection strategies. If you have a problem with your sexuality and are in desperate need of therapy, you'll find none if you are seen as a risk to public. Strange that is, to provide no help for those who most need it. This is true of the UK today. NHS and Government do nothing about it, and most qualified therapists and psychiatrists dont want to know if there is a possible criminal element to your issues. Its a disgrace upon our nation for having let things get to this stage. You are spot on, it really does feel, that people who could develope serious psychological problems through sexual matters, actually are completely ignored and are left to deal with it ON THEIR OWN! Makes me so bloody angry....

All i can suggest is, that you keep looking up private therapists and other mental health professionals and ask around within those organisations. Most wont want to help you, as it could complicate their lives. In my opinion, they shouldnt be doing that job. Some real people with real hearts will also be working in the mental health profession, you've just got to find them. When you have found "the one" that actually wants to help you, and you are successful in letting out some of those head gremlins allowing you to focus more on life, then perhaps you can document and broadcast your story on how the NHS were happy to let you rot. Dont be paying silly money, nobody can guarantee their work so much to charge such rates. £50 per session is quite enough i think.

Anyhow, keep your head up and try focus on something else for a while. Lately, i found mental healing in taking an interest in the universe. There has been a string of programs lately and there is alot of discoveries being made. Planets of 100% oceans, planets where it rains methane and even planets where it rains iron! No joke! It kind of helps put things into perspective. It allows you to look at your own life where your problems can almost vanish. To attempt at seeing the bigger picture is something of real importance, unfortunately humans like to fight over the very small things whilst oblivious to the fact that its a miracle that everyone of us is on this planet. Our star (the sun) is half-way through its life cycle. Way before 5 billion years time, we will all be history, just once again floating around in space and time waiting for the next event. Im not saying i believe in life after death, but when you start learning about what else is going on outside a tiny planet, it opens the doors to those beliefs. Our sun gave us life, and it will taketh. Dont let the bastards grind you down. They know nothing...really

Good luck to you, and at least have a look outide earth, oneday we will actually be able to do that Dont waste your time playing the suffering victim, because its those bastards that are putting you there. Stuff them.

Hi! Many thanks for your very interesting replies... truly. I have tried through the NHS in London and Sussex over many years. I had a few sessions at a couple of hospitals in London - I was advised by letter that there would be no more appointments... "Go home and get on with it." And in Sussex I was getting uncontrollably angry because I was put on a waiting list for 2 years. The stupid psychiatric professional I saw for an assessment just asked me if I was going to rape someone. It was her only concern and when I answered "No" I was sent off to wait and wait and wait... Eventually I broke down and went to my doctor's surgery where I was told to come back when I had calmed down. I did go back and was in agitated state again and only when I mentioned a particular criminal case which occurred within yards of his surgery did the doctor send me to the hospital (he - like most - hadn't even heard the term paraphilia). They were very kind at the hospital, but when I saw the top guy - after another long wait - he looked at me earnestly and said of my problems, "I wish I could wave a magic wand and change things - but I can't. There is nothing I can do." He said that I could talk to his assistant - but that would entail me signing myself over to the forensic department (in other words criminalize myself - go down on the police records as a dangerous person). Another doctor told me that I had been on every type of anti-depressant there was, and as I was still depressed there was no point in me taking them any more.

So... no help. Private therapists seem to deal with: My wife hates me; My kids hate me: I hate my job: I don't get on with my family; None of which apply to me as I have none of these things... just unbearable paraphilia (about which most therapists have no knowledge) and extreme depression. As i said in my previous post, I have been quoted £350 for an assessment and £130 for 30 minute sessions. IF I could find a therapist for £50 per hour it might be possible. BUT WHERE, WHERE, WHERE? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME. Or is there a good therapist anywhere who can do counseling or something over the phone or internet??? I try to be good. I keep myself to myself. But I need help!

geldy.

Geldy,

I hate to say this because it's pretty drastic and I also don't want to come across as someone who quickly recommends meds. But I read that in some jurisdictions testosterone-lowering medications were given to offenders - mostly with their consent. More than just a few of them felt relief and actually liked it. There are side effects and you do your own research, but it sounds like you are pretty desperate and you may need to consider some pretty drastic steps. AFAIK the effects of these meds are reversible, so you wouldn't have much to lose by trying.

I can understand your frustration to do with lack of help with the NHS. I don't have a paraphilia, but I know when it comes to mental health problems the people on the NHS are totally useless. I had one psychiatrists see me for 5 minutes and tell me " there's nothing wrong with you, you're not depressed, you're just bored and unemployed". He came to the conclusion that I wasn't depressed because I looked healthy and eat well. I know I wasn't depressed, but interested to know how he knew that because I ate food. I waited months to see this useless fool, hoping to get therapy and that's the response I got, and no offer of therapy.


The truth is, they're not interested. If you're schizoprenic or Bi-Polar you might get help. otherwise, you have to pay for it. In your case it looks like costing a lot. There are online therapists, some are overseas, so maybe you could find someone online

Geldy,

You echo so many things ive experienced with the "health system". Some people just say they wish they could change things, but they cant. Thats a cop-out. I dont think anyone is asking for magic, just a caring system that attempts to help. That doesnt mean simply handing drugs to you. I dont think thats the answer. What help are you actually in need of? For me, its a mental therapist or psychiatrist that is allowed to explore the mind of the patient, allowing the patient to tell all and have a way of letting out emotions and experiences without the fear of being criminalized. Society is so paranoid these days and Government so bigoted, that if anything is seen as bad, its just gets banned and criminalized, and this is the affect. With labour making more than one law a day since they've been in power, its no wonder that we have this crisis, and it is a crisis. If you have the mental ability and the right set of circumstances, i say leave this shit-hole of a country that should now be called "Not-so-Great-Britain"

"Are you going to rape someone?" Unfortunately, thats the only concern now and no concern for you. If you tell them you could be a risk in the future, then you are at risk from the police being involved. What help is it to put you down on some list? You will be watched, spyed on and accused of crimes through-out your life...great! What can i say? Its a very sad situation, but you're not the only one. Government will wake up soon, things have to get better.

One thing i can say that has helped me in the past, is the samaritans. They will listen to you for as long as you need to talk. Most wont want to say much to you, but if you dont like the person you are speaking to, hangup and call back. There are many different people all acting as samaritans. Be carefull though, you could clock up quite a phone bill, so find out where your local center is, and visit them. Its not sufficient help i know, but in those times of feeling so angry and desperate that you feel you could loose control, fall back on them to diffuse that rage, Apart from that, keep sending emails, keep searching for independant professionals (ideally, those who claim to help with sexuality issues) and most importantly, know that you have as much right to life as the next person or child. You ARE being let down, so this is not your fault and you shouldnt punish yourself over it. if you are concerned about anonymity when sending emails, use "tor", its not 100% secure, but its alot safer than normal methods. PM me if you need help with that.

Hi!
Thank you for your responses. Just to clear up one point about the NHS psychological assessor who asked if I was likely to rape anyone: it was a black and white and very specific question. I had already told her that I had no interest in "normal" sex, but she did not think to ask me if I would possibly commit perhaps an even more violent and horrific crime against anyone - male or female. When I answered "no" to the rape question I was swiftly shown the door (presumably with a tick against the "No Rape" and "No Risk" boxes) and was told to wait for an appointment - which never happened even after a more than a year's wait. It just seems amazing to me that I was, in effect, in a desperate state at that time, sticking my hand up and saying, "I think it would be a good idea to talk to me before something really bad happens to somebody." A so called trained NHS professional showed me the door. How crazy is that? And I still can't get any help.

On the subject of the Samaritans. I have contacted them several times to "talk" via emails. However, the last time I contacted them the operator asked me to be more specific about my problems in order that they might be able to assist me in getting help. I thought this was an unusual, but very positive, response. Dutifully I mentioned a little about my paraphilia and asked if they could help me. "No," came the response, tagged onto a text book reply of, "The Samaritans is unable to give recommendations..." It basically said "no" we cannot help people like you - almost with a tone of disgust. I did consider taking the matter up with the Samaritans but I didn't wish to draw attention to myself and possibly draw attention from the authorities. And I am sure people will immediately say, "anonymity". This is another problem I have encountered: I always ask (at the initial phoning up stage) a prospective counsellor about confidentiality. "Oh yes," they always reply, "Totally confidential.... unless you are involved with anything criminal, or have criminal intentions." Hmmmmm.... so by being open and honest with a therapist, you could leave yourself open to being reported to the police. Great! Really helpful! No point in seeing them!

I also find it very, very frustrating that friends / acquaintances tell you to stop wallowing in self pity (because of depression) and get yourself help. a) it is NOT possible to tell "normal" people about this kind of problem; b) (apart from confidentiality) I call up a recommended therapist, or one who I've found on the internet or whatever and explain that I am depressed - and also that I have certain sexual / psychological / personality problems which stem from parpaphilia. If I ask if they have any experience at all in this area, they mutter and mumble about having lots of satisfied clients, but actually do not even know what paraphilia is. So if I have a problem with being breathless say, and it is linked to a heart condition, I think I would only go to a practitioner who had heard of a heart. Otherwise I am wasting my money and time - and risking being reported to the police!

So does anyone know where I can get help?

Thanks, geldy.

That's the big conundrum, isn't it? - i.e. Where do you turn when faced with a paraphilia and are genuinely willing to get help? The interchange you had with the Samaritans was unfortunate, but typical and expected. If it was me on the end of that line, you can be assured that I would have listened to you and offered as much help as I possibly could. Going back to the NHS, it's understandable that they won't fund help in this area, because it's simply a closed issue with regard to the public.

I don't know where you can turn, to be honest, but what yo should realise by being here is that there ARE people out there who understand you and are willing to help. Those people include myself, Mark73, morning star, and mbr197. Talk more about your family though- I mean, why do they hate you?

Kevin

Hi Kevin. Many thanks for your reply. It Is, and always has been, an impossible conundrum. I think the craziest thing from the state's point of view is that they have poured tens of millions into monitoring and blocking people's access to what they deem inappropriate websites, when their job could be done, at least in part, by helping those who come forward voluntarily. It's like a bank robber giving himself up, and the police running around like headless chickens, setting up road blocks and alerting ports and airports - and a man in mask with a bag marked "swag" is shouting at them, "Hello. I'm here. It's me you want to talk to." Accepting of course that paraphiliacs may ask for help to avoid actually committing an offence. It is just sick. And of course, what "normal" people do not understand is that if by chance a paraphiliac talks to the wrong person, they could be "outed" and their life could be made hell by an hysterical and outraged public. It is ignorance and fear of the unknown. I did not ask to be born this way (and I believe very strongly that I was - the same as person may be born homosexual) but I keep myself to myself and resist acting upon my urges. I believe that that is the duty of anyone and do not condone anyone who commits violent or sexual crimes. However, a bit of help wouldn't go amiss, and of course it could cut down on certain crimes and work out cheaper for the state. So why won't they help? Why do they not understand these issues properly? Political correctness maybe? If an MP said he had researched these problems and had come up with a plan to help, I guess he would be reviled and ostracized by the lynch mob.

The whole of my life is a nightmare and every day I just want to lie down and die. I have no life, but with my paraphilia hidden away, I do my best to help people, help animals, be kind and generous, and generally try to be a good person. But I can never achieve any semblance of normality. My life is full of loneliness, emptiness, despair and helplessness, with no chance of a decent future. The mental angst of being on the one hand a kind and loving person - and on the other a monster. It is unbearable. I have tried to have girlfriends but just get totally turned off by kissing and sex. The woman gets confused and hurt - and i can never tell them what is wrong. I could lie of course, but that is just not fair (I have read many accounts of women who have discovered that they are married to a gay / bisexual man - and how devastating it has been. Imagine waking up to find you've married a monster!) Myself, and I'm sure many others like me, just need help to cope.

On the point of family: I was a bolt on foster / adopted kid who never had love and never felt special - but hey, that's true of many people I've spoken to. In my experience, nearly all of us have some kind of childhood $#%^ to deal with. And I would love one day to talk to a therapist about this, but I cannot isolate that and not mention my problems with paraphilia. I need to get help and talk to an informed expert on how I can cope as a whole person (and be sure that they will maintain confidentiality). Sorry Kevin if I've misled you somewhere - I don't think I said my family hates me. I don't feel like I have ever had a "proper" family and I have very little contact with them.

Thank you again for your replies. geldy.