Pedophilia

Somehow, I seem to have ended up being attracted to little girls. Instead of ignorantly attempting to ignore this, I've come to terms with the fact that I am what would be considered a pedophile.

I'm not quite sure where I should be going from here. It's a mental illness, right? I don't feel like I need to be treated, though. From my point of view, it's just the way I am. Perhaps my judgment is clouded by all the craziness.

Opinions?

Advice?

Hey, Anonym713! Welcome to the forum. I moved this topic from Living With Mental Illness here, to the Paraphilia forum.
I'm glad you decided not to ignore this, nothing good could come from ignoring it. Is there any way you could see a good therapist to help you with your problem?
You did not decide to start feeling this way, but you can decide to get help and do your best not to hurt anyone.
Maybe this is happening becouse you have been abused in the past.

I don't really have the money for a therapist, nor do I have the initiative to see one.

I don't recall being abused in the past.

I think my problem is that I don't see it as a problem, and my mind can't change itself, but this isn't really the sort of thing I can talk through with people I know, because generally people freak out at the mere mention of the word "pedophile."

Anonym713

I think my problem is that I don't see it as a problem, and my mind can't change itself, but this isn't really the sort of thing I can talk through with people I know, because generally people freak out at the mere mention of the word "pedophile."

Not seeing it as a problem might be a problem at some point and not limited to just your problem.

Yes, I can see how it would be difficult to talk to most people about your problem, but there are trained professionals who would be able to without judging you and would be able offer help if you are wanting to change your thoughts. If your means are limited, contact a local MHMR facility to see if they offer services. Faith based services are also available. Finding an option now might be better than what you will have to deal with if you continue to allow these feelings to run unchecked.

You sound like you are trying to find a solution before there is a serious issue to deal with; I hope this is true.

Good luck,

nymenche wrote:Anonym713
You sound like you are trying to find a solution before there is a serious issue to deal with; I hope this is true.

Good luck,

I'm afraid my cause is far less noble than that.

I don't see it as a problem, and I think I can't (for the moment, at least) see it as a problem. It's likely that my vision of reality is skewed, obscured, or biased, I can see that much. Being aware of that still doesn't give me reason to see my problem as a problem.

The attitude that the general public exhibits towards pedophiles, I try to project onto myself. By all (apparent) common sense, I am sick, perverted, disgusting, and deserve to die and burn in hell, but this projection goes straight through me, my mind dismisses such accusations as false. Not false regarding pedophiles in general, but false in regards to me.

Due to that, I feel as though an guilt or hatred towards myself because of my preferences would be out of place. Not that I don't feel any, but my mind attributes those feelings to social conditioning.

I'm hesitant to pursue formal treatment for what is, from my abnormal point of view, a non-problem. I went through therapy a number of years ago for depression, and I found it very unpleasant. Therapists seem to be very good at acting nice, I think they do genuinely care about the wellbeing of their patients, but from my experience they need to learn to hide their thoughts better. Therapy was a degrading experience for me, the condescending way in which they tried to treat me was counter-productive. Professional therapy did not help my depression, and it was only after I stopped attending it that my depression was cured.

I can't even imagine what the treatment would be like for pedophilia. Actually, on second though, I can, and it doesn't seem very appealing.

Anomyn,

I give you an A for honesty. With what you have said, I would suggest that you stay away from high-risk situations and behavior.

Although a victim of a pedophile, I do wish you well and hope for the sake of all that at some point there is a solution to your problem/non-problem.

Best,

N.

You were the victim of a pedophile?

This might seem like an awry request, but if it's not too painful for you to talk about, would you mind explaining the damage that was caused to you and what sort of thing it was that incurred it? If not, that's fine. You can tell me via pm if you don't feel comfortable talking about it publicly.

It's just that I think getting that sort of perspective on things might help me to understand the kind of harm that can be caused. I am a pedophile, but I don't want to hurt anybody. If I were to be in a situation where my desires could be acted upon, my judgment might deem certain actions harmless when in reality they could potentially cause harm to the child.

Anonym,

Yes, my abuser was my stepfather, and he was attracted to young girls. I was only one of his victims. The abuse lasted until from an age before I can remember until I was in high school. Since I have lived with it for 50 years, been through counseling, and still carry the dregs, I am never afraid to talk about it if it might help someone in someway.

The first thing I remember feeling is different, with a secret that caused me to fear going to sleep at friends' houses or the anesthesia that I needed for my tonsillectomy. Secrets were to be kept and never let out. The lack of trust and safety took away a big chunk of my youth. And there are the voids when I don't know what happened for long periods of time. I still mourn for the childhood I never had.

Since I never told, I carried the secret and continued to wear the mask even after I became an adult. I tried to hide the secret in the box in my head, but it grew and eventually I began high risk behavior. Somehow I avoided permanently falling into a bottle or going up in smoke, and continued to keep the secret through a career, marriage, and children.

I finally fell apart in my 30's and sought therapy and received it through a rape crisis center. I learned that guilt was with me every second of my life and that my need to control everything was my inner child trying to keep order among the chaos.

To this day, I am ever wary of those who I haven't let into my inner circle of close friends, a handful at most. I still have depression but am not and never had been suicidal although I am self-destructive in subtle and not so subtle ways. I have probably suffered from PTSD from the majority of my life and only had it diagnosed last year after a physical assault.

My stepfather died a painful death and I didn't shed a tear; I had pretty much the same reaction when my mother died. I felt that her lack of care for me kept her from seeing the signs of abuse that were there to be seen. Dealing with my anger at them both has been my hardest task.

So there I am...one picture of a survivor; there are millions of us. Some scarred more, some scarred less, but all distorted in some way.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I hope in some small way it has helped you see the other side more clearly.

N.

Thanks for sharing your story.

It's weird, I would side against your stepfather just as any normal person would. Anybody who causes that kind of harm to another person, especially a child, is definitely better off behind bars or in therapy. The weird part is that I fall into the same category as him. Therein lies the problem.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt somebody as much as your stepfather hurt you, but still, according to everyone I am a terrible person with disgusting desires and I have a problem, an illness, that needs to be cured. I just don't feel that way.

Hi, Anonym713. You don't always realise that you've been abused, and that might be the cause of this problem of yours. Some things just don't seem like sexual abuse, even though they are. It's possible to have serious problems with sex if you've been through some kind of sexual abuse that most people don't really think about.
It could be that someone was hurt in an certain way, like being kissed on the shoulder or on the mouth when they were a child or even a teenager. It could be that someone walked in on them when they were in the bathroom or when they were changing, pretending like it was an accident or said things that they shouldn't have said. It could be that they were not accepted as an adult by their family, and that they felt the need to remain a child, for some reason.
All these things can lead to serious problems and maybe even problems like yours. You could feel this way about children becouse you feel like you are still a child or becouse something happened that you don't see as abuse, but it was. If it made you feel uncomfortable, it was abuse.
I was abused too, as a child. In the ways I just told you about, and more. It doesn't have to be "violent" for it to be very damaging. If I was sexually assaulted now, in a way that people see as "violent", I think I would still consider what happened to me as a child to be much worse.
Everyone is free to feel as they feel and there are no rules, but sexual abuse is always damaging. I hope you think about what might have made you feel this way. You can talk to us about it here as much as you want.