Lost my marriage to BDSM

Okay....so I am wondering if someone can give me some advice.

I'm a vanilla woman who has been together with my husband for 9 years, we have been married for 5 of them. 6 months after our marriage I found out that he had been looking on the internet looking at master and slave things.
I confronted him and he dismissed the fact that he wanted to be involved in this - I offered to start getting all kinked up whips, tieing up etc....we tried this.

Then over a 4 year period I have caught him doing the same on 3 other occasions on one of the occasions we spoke about his need being specific and strong that I agreed to let him hook up with a sub and do "his thing" to see of this helped him but we agreed no penetrative sex.
He bottled out so things went back to normal .....over the last 2 years our sex life is no existent probably once a month if that all vanilla......and to put it bluntly I haven't been able to orgasm in over 4 years - its just not happening. And I stopped coming onto him- I was holding to much bitterness towards him about it all.

The last time I found him doing this on the internet about 4 months ago he stated that he was going to give it all up for the sake of me and the kids and he would forget it all.......and I believed him......then 3 weeks ago it happened again and I sent him an email whilst he was at work explaining that I couldn't handle this - he agreed and gave it all up - I have now ended it all and he stated that its what he wants as being a dom is his lifestyle not just something he wants to involved in

The thing is- the last time I found stuff he was looking at getting himself a "little"...........I'm confused ....what do people /doms get from this..................we have children and he states that I don't let him have a say make any decisions - he really loves being in control in all elements of his life............he thinks hes always right all the time and argues the toss until hes blue in the face...................does this make any sense to anyone???????
My marriage has ended because of this "lifestyle" and im so confused and completely devastated !!!!

Your entire topic could be summarized in: "I wasn't able to orgasm, I've had barely any sex and I lost my marriage because I didn't like what my husband was looking at". Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me like this unfortunate event happened because of a harmless thing, just your husband watching videos on the internet. It is not your fault. Your husband should have been honest and tell you that he can't stop, but you should have been supportive as it didn't seem to affect your life. You should have gotten used to his habit, maybe even watch the videos together. I and a girlfriend once watched a video of a Russian fellow *mod edit* - it's one of my most fond memories xD .

Anyway, if it's not too late, please try to fix your marriage. Best advice I can give is couple's therapy.

Thanks for the post.

It really did affect my life - as I stated its affected our sex life massively.....sometimes I wondered why you would get married to a vanilla woman knowing that you had these tendancies ....that's the bit that is hard to get my head around - we used to have amazing sex.....its like he just changed overnight into some hardcore BDSM sex addict. He should have been honest yes you are right.

Couples counselling is not the answer he refuses to go....he doesn't want to work this out now he wants to life the full time lifestyle of having a sub/little...he states that this is "him"

Anyhow ....as I say cheers for the reply!

I'm very open minded about sexual matters, but BDSM and sadomasochism is something I do not think very well of. Be thankful about getting away from this guy. He has something like an addiction going on, an addiction to putting people down and hurting people; obviously not something you would want to be around. Everyone is good at heart, but if someone has a noxious virus in their personality and is not willing to try and get some help then of course you won't want to be there. Good luck for you getting your life rebuilt now that you're moving on.

BDSM isn't a dynamic that I would want to bring into my marriage. We tried and it didn't work out so well. My wife is great in many ways, but is a vanilla and is scared to even try a spanking.
My going on the internet for stress relief doesn't go over well, even if we try it together. She says that it feels like I am cheating on her. Which in some way I suppose it is. I have not physically gone outside our marriage for a session, but must admit that it has crossed my mind. I would never want to hurt her feelings and that has been enough to keep me in check. I am frustrated and I imagine that she is too.
She thinks that BDSM is about enjoying pain in a sick way. It isn't that at all with me. It is about taking control or relinquishing control. It is a primal reenactment of basic (childhood) relationships?
Sometimes I need to 'hand it over' and not be everyone's 'rock'. I ain't no rock inside. I am me.
This isn't your fault and people do change after marriage.
I'm sorry that you hurt from this. Best of luck to you both.

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is falling apart, to be honest this is something I am extremely afraid of happening to me. Now I'm quite a bit younger, not really looking to get married anytime soon, have a lot of room to grow and learn, but that said I actually tremble at the thought of basing a marriage around my paraphilia. There's a distinct separation in my head between sex and love, and I simply don't think I could bring myself to participate in BDSM with someone I really love.

However, I also am of the mindset that sex is a lot less important than people make it out to be. Every marriage that isn't lost to something else early on will eventually see the sex go away. This is a part of life. We lose our sexual drive. Women go through menopause. Both husband and wife will be far less attractive in their eighties than they were in their twenties and thirties. Does that really mean, though, that the marriage has to suffer? 50% of marriages do, after all, last - that's 50% of marriages that have survived a decline in sex life.

A lot of the time, I've noticed, people will blame failures in their relationship on sexual matters. "I broke up with her because she cheated!" Okay then, why did she cheat? What was already wrong with this relationship that the affair failed to change but succeeded to illuminate?

I don't know what exactly to tell you because I don't know you. I don't know what other problems may exist with your marriage outside this purely sexual matter, but I assume they do or else I don't think this would be the issue that it is. If this is the only problem, then I urge to see his side. If it isn't the only problem, you still may want to consider other options: Even if it isn't perfect, it can be the best thing in the world. Or maybe the reason your marriage is dissolving is simply because it is meant to dissolve. The real question, then, is if you love him. Because ultimately, that's all that matters.

My wife and I were involved with BDSM for a number of years.

From what I have read of confused84's OP, with all respect, it sounds like BDSM itself had less to do with it, but rather the secrecy, lack of communication, and isolation of the husband involved. It's not for everyone, and it takes time to see if a spouse shares certain aspects of it. Plunging in without your partner and taking control is certainly the wrong way to go about this. I certainly feel for her grief over losing her marriage.

I am surprised the people who have contributed to this thread have such a negative feel about BDSM. There is nothing sick, twisted, or anything kinkier than with any other sexual kink, in fact, it's tame compared to most things I have run across. It is a very very large genre- it doesn't have to be "hardcore" whatever that means.

It's about power exchange, mostly. It is a huge turn on to people who like doing this with consenting adults. Done right, it is as safe as any other sexual activity.

mrms99 wrote: I am surprised the people who have contributed to this thread have such a negative feel about BDSM. There is nothing sick, twisted, or anything kinkier than with any other sexual kink, in fact, it's tame compared to most things I have run across. It is a very very large genre- it doesn't have to be "hardcore" whatever that means.

It's about power exchange.

It's about power over, being dominated, and hurting people. It's not like other forms of sexuality; even homosexuality, bestiality and pedophilia are still about loving, and closeness, and intimacy.

It's about power over, being dominated, and hurting people. It's not like other forms of sexuality; even homosexuality, bestiality and pedophilia are still about loving, and closeness, and intimacy.

I am sorry you have such harsh feelings towards BDSM. As I said, I was involved in it for a number of years, met scores of people much more serious about it than I was, and never saw what you seem so certain of.

I saw power being exchanged , sometimes one sided, but always, always consented to. I saw domination. I saw spankings galore, whips, ropes for miles, chains, cuffs, blindfolds, gloves, cords, poles, you name it and I saw it used. I saw words, tone, affect and effect, I saw push and shove.

What I never saw was an unhappy person. Not Dom/Domme. not sub, not slave. Happy, educated, fun people. Both in and out of bed. And intimate. And close. And loving.

Shame you need to push down this form of expression to lift another up. All forms of sexuality have ways to stand on their own.

The fusion of sex and power is one of the perversions of patriarchy and capitalism. Sexual expression is one thing: it's a universal human need. Power relationships are fundamentally inhuman and are not necessary, they are a side-product of the gangland political system humans have been forced to live under since the Neolithic or earlier. The desire to have power over others, to be controlled, or to hurt and be hurt are ego defects, unfortunately rampant across civilization and are equally odious whether they occur in the context of war, work places, school yard bullying, or sex life.