what is my husband's condition?

Hi just-tonight,

I am not a professional (I don’t think anyone here is) and I have never been in a physically abusive relationship. I have stayed with guys who were obviously not very nice to me because I thought I loved them, but what I really wanted was for someone to love me and the facts told me that those guys did not love me, but I just did not want to believe it.

I think everyone is trying to get a better picture of this situation in order to advise you, there are some cultures where women are looked at as the property of men; either their fathers or husbands. I am not going to name any specific cultures there are multiple of them, so I think the question that shockley123 was asking was in an attempt to figure out if your husband’s behavior would be perceived as normal within the cultural beliefs/norms of where ever your husband is from/was raised. Finnland does not strike me as such a place.

When you say you left the States 2 months ago, I am assuming you mean the United States? Did this traumatic event occur in the United States or was it after you moved to Mumbai? If this happened before you moved to Mumbai I am wondering if your husband wanted to move there because it would make it more difficult for you to leave him and you would be more dependent on him, thus you were more likely to accept his horrible behavior. In Mumbai I do not believe that a man can be found guilty of raping his wife, he can in the United States.

I do not know what your husband’s disorder is exactly. There are not any “anti-sadism” drugs that you can buy and slip into his drink. If he indeed needs medication for something, only a doctor should decide what the medication would be. That is not a good or safe plan.

Here is my opinion about your husband, please keep in mind this is only my opinion.

I think that your husband is actually an insecure person who over the years developed some issues controlling his severe rages at the way that he perceived that others were treating him.

In order to feel better and more powerful/in control he seems to want to be very possessive over what he thinks is his (unfortunately he thinks you are his in an unhealthy way) and that was part of the reason that he so aggressively attacked your male friend.

However I also think that he was happy to use your friend as his personal punching bag as an outlet for the rage he felt at you insisting on sexual boundaries. I think that although he may have been telling you..”No problem.” That you setting what he perceived as ‘the rules of the relationship’ was indeed making him feel very angry inside.

I do not know how long you dated and he waited to have sex with you, but I think that his anger built up and built up. He felt that you were the one with the power and control in the relationship.

And so when your husband had the opportunity to be in control and to be the one with the power, all of that rage was released on to you and he felt that he was finally the one who was in control.

I think that when Babybowrain said that your husband is lying about who he is, that what she meant is that all along your husband played the role of the chivalrous guy who was willing to wait and respect you, when actually he was angry and wanted to control the relationship and you.

You mentioned that you met at a college party, I am assuming this was in the United States, and that he is Finnish and that you are half Finnish. You said that you were amazed to meet another Finn so you started dating. It seems to me that perhaps your family was not in the United States or that you felt like you needed/wanted to connect with someone who had a similar cultural background as yours.

I think your husband saw that you were feeling a bit lonely and so he played a role…that of the best friend/wonderful boyfriend to make you fall in love with him. I think that people like your husband are very good at seeing another person’s vulnerabilities in order to take advantage of them.

You say that you love your husband and that you want for him to get well, yet you also say that if you leave he would try to start a war against you. I am not exactly sure what a war against you means, but obviously you believe that his behavior would be mean/aggressive and in some way detrimental to your well being.

So I think you should ask yourself a question that I have had to ask myself in the past…Do you love your husband or do you love who you want for him to be? Because in my opinion, and again you have posted here for advice/opinions, your husband is a controlling conniving bully who played the role of the wonderful best friend boyfriend all the while he was becoming angrier and angrier that you were denying something (sex) that he thought he had the right to.

And at the first opportunity where he could justify his behavior, he established his control and dominance over you. The fact that you are afraid of what he would do if you left, shows that this control and dominance is impacting your choices in life, which is just how he wants for you to feel..that you do not have any options.

I hope that you always keep your passport in a place that you can get to it if you need it. That you have found a job where you are earning your own money and that you save some that he does not know about and that you have your own credit cards. I think you should begin to at least make a plan on how you would leave if/when that is what is needed.

You are isolated now, but as soon as possible and without him knowing, begin to take actions that will allow you to be in control of your own destiny.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I do not think that your husband will ever change and I don’t think that you will ever feel safe, loved and happy with him. Everyone deserves those things. It took me a long time, but I finally found a person who would give me that kind of life. I could have found someone who really loved me and treated me well a lot sooner, if I hadn't stayed with men who treated me badly because I was too insecure to leave them. Instead I chose to hope that they would change and so I wasted many years of my life.

Take care of yourself!
Priscilla

Priscilla has it down afaic. Not the first I've heard of, or seen first hand. My opinion, and YMMV, is leave at earliest possible convenience and put some serious miles between you. I assume all this has been without protection... It has not been lost on me if you got pregnant that would give him leverage against you leaving. So the sooner the better. That would be my advice. Sorry but my personal opinion is revolving around him being a sorry bag of manure. You do not have to stay in a bad situation. And I've never seen anyone with such a poor opinion of women change. Not worth your physical well being to bank on a change of heart.

Dear OP

I just focussed on the fact that it was your first time when he did these things. Yes all the things he did were terrible when you didn't give your permission as other replies have already stated, but the first time a man should respect that and be gentle with a woman, not treat them like a seasoned 2 bit whore who they're never going to see again.

Forget about any sexual deviancy, forget about a "husband's" right to sex with his wife. Where was the respect or seeing you as a human being with feelings and choices and opinions and rights?

I dont know what your background, religion, etc etc are but this man is not treating you in any shape or form with love or respect.

I hope this is a relationship you can leave if you so chose. tc.

PS if he forces it in your mouth when it's not wanted again do a Bobbit on him.

Your husband disregards your feelings as a human being with autonomy, yet you still think he loves you? Obsession is not love, obsession is about attachment and power. He's sexually abusing you and is in the dark triad (narcissist, Machevellian, psychopath) but I have no grounds to "diagnose" him beyond that. Could be mental illness, could be warped cultural conditioning. At any rate your wording gives off the impression of Stockholm syndrome, that of a kidnapped person who falls in love with her kidnapper. I think it's very possible he took you out of the states to trap you and be able to rape you.

I was warned before marriage by my spouse if i ever had ideas of abuse, i have to sleep sometime.....


Just sayin'.

just-tonight wrote:

Wolfy- wrote:Hi there, just-tonight!

First, welcome to the forums. I hope your time here is beneficial! Second, what you're going through sounds horrifying.

Has your husband always displayed these sort of traits towards you? Intimidation, domination? Or has it just been since the wedding night that he's been particularly violent? How long have you known one another / been dating / been married? I'm just hoping to get a better grasp at what's going on.

What I do know is I agree with the others here, it sounds like rape.

I am recently married, and my husband asked me direct permission 1.) before removing any and every article of clothing and 2.) prior to our consummation, out of respect for my boundaries, to make sure it was absolutely okay to proceed.

I was blessed in that regard, and it honestly angers me you didn't get to experience that...marital bliss...the way I did! Your husband stole what should have been a moment of true unity.

With that in mind, marriage doesn't give free reign to sexual activity. It's still something that both parties are to agree upon. Sex is something to enjoy, cherish and celebrate!

i agree with every word you said but the thing is he hasn't always been like that i have met him in a college party,i was amazed by the fact that he was Finn and i'm half Finn myself so we started dating he was so nice and caring and would always show up when i needed him he was like a best friend except he was my BF and what made me fall even deeper the fact that he agreed to respect my boundaries and not have sex not even oral not nothing till after I'm married he respected that and kept his distance in a physical way but he would always give me the impression that he wants to make love to me so bad he wouldn't say it but i could see it in his eyes he wasn't checking me out or anything but if i accidentally brush against him he would smile and i could see he would be very happy. he was never violent except for one time a guy friend of mine pushed me in a fight it wasn't even that huge he was just upset and then my husband (BF at the time) attacked him and broke his nose and kept punching him i remember it was scary he acted like an animal literally he just punched him and went on top of him and kept punching him in a hysterical way that was the first time i saw him act like that. and then on our first night i was utterly shocked by what he did it was like he was a robot or a monster his face it was like he had no empathy for my pleads or cries and just changing positions and after he would ejaculate he would force me to give him oral then go back at it again and that was my first time and when i confronted him the next day he said he hadn't had any sex cuz he was waiting for me and that he was glad he waited. he said it in a way that didn't make me feel flattered but scared he was smiling that creepy smile like WOW i married a psycho what is that?

-- Sun Dec 28, 2014 4:11 pm --

shockley123 wrote:Would you mind sharing your husband's cultural-ethnic background? Some cultures would not view his behavior as even mentionable - like say Taliban as one well-known culture. I in no way condone his behavior, I ask this to gain insight to his main culture of influence in his development.

he's Finnish, Catholic and he HATES anything related to Arabs so he hates taliban and all this, you think Nordic guys are violent? many people think that.

If he's Catholic he clearly missed the parts about husband's be gentle with your wives and treat them more precious than gold, give them no cause to hate you so they can lovingly submit blah blah blah. What he's doing isn't Biblical and it's not Christian. Not to mention that Leviticus outright condemns the sort of grotesque sodomy that you describe. I too assumed he was associated with a backwards and highly oppressive culture, not that all Muslims are this way, but ones from certain cultures are. Any religious extremist can be sadistic like that though, religious extremism tends to warp the entire point of religion, which is mostly peaceful social order, not hate and violence. What your husband is doing is violence.

just-tonight wrote:

babybowrain wrote:hi GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM HE SOUNDS LIKE A CREEP. i dated a guy like that before. he molested me and was very violent with me. i think he is lying to you about who he is. i am speaking from life experience. what is your profession? what is his profession? are you the same ethnicity as him?

no he's not lying about who he is. I'm a Mathematics teacher and he's a business analyst

-- Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:39 pm --

Wolfy- wrote:

just-tonight wrote:i agree with every word you said but the thing is he hasn't always been like that i have met him in a college party,i was amazed by the fact that he was Finn and i'm half Finn myself so we started dating he was so nice and caring and would always show up when i needed him he was like a best friend except he was my BF and what made me fall even deeper the fact that he agreed to respect my boundaries and not have sex not even oral not nothing till after I'm married he respected that and kept his distance in a physical way but he would always give me the impression that he wants to make love to me so bad he wouldn't say it but i could see it in his eyes he wasn't checking me out or anything but if i accidentally brush against him he would smile and i could see he would be very happy. he was never violent except for one time a guy friend of mine pushed me in a fight it wasn't even that huge he was just upset and then my husband (BF at the time) attacked him and broke his nose and kept punching him i remember it was scary he acted like an animal literally he just punched him and went on top of him and kept punching him in a hysterical way that was the first time i saw him act like that. and then on our first night i was utterly shocked by what he did it was like he was a robot or a monster his face it was like he had no empathy for my pleads or cries and just changing positions and after he would ejaculate he would force me to give him oral then go back at it again and that was my first time and when i confronted him the next day he said he hadn't had any sex cuz he was waiting for me and that he was glad he waited. he said it in a way that didn't make me feel flattered but scared he was smiling that creepy smile like WOW i married a psycho what is that? 

my boundaries were a little too much, we would hold hands we kissed once or twice but any type of sexual action was a NO for me even if it was for him to feel me up actually anything that was sexual in nature or would get me aroused we didn't do he wanted but he respected me when i set those boundaries. he never tried anything against my will then he would ask me first and when i would refuse he would be like no problem

There's no such thing as too much boundaries. Your boundaries are your boundaries and if he didn't like them, he could break up with you. You have a right to go as fast or slow as feels right to you. And when he waited he obviously didn't develop any respect for you at all sexually, he utterly degraded you. So much for waiting, I'd rather have premarital sex with a man who treated me like a human being than wait for marriage only to be raped and abused. The laughing makes it especially disturbing. You need to come to terms with the fact that he may not be mentally ill, but may have tendencies of certain disorders that he may never seek help for, and may not be at all treatable with medications. He may be a pornographic addict, he may hate his mother, he may think all women are objects instead of whole people. Good luck.

Your husband is a rapist. You wanted to know what your husband's condition is and there it is he is a sexual predator, rapist. You probably aren't the first woman he has done this to and you won't be the last. It will continue to happen if you choose to stay.

You're not the first woman that has been fooled by a man who acts a perfect prince until the ring is on the finger then he turns into something completely different. Has nothing to do with being Finnish and everything to do with the real him. I've know more than p one woman fooled by such. The smart ones leave. We can go round and round but the answer is not going to change. The answer is your lawyer will be in touch with him. Period. The end. Chalk it up to a learning experience and find a real man next time.

Just curious; imagine what you have described was being told to you by your daughter if you have one! that her new boyfriend was doing this to her!

Tell me; what would you tell her?