Priscilla13 wrote:Hi just-tonight,
I am not a professional (I don’t think anyone here is) and I have never been in a physically abusive relationship. I have stayed with guys who were obviously not very nice to me because I thought I loved them, but what I really wanted was for someone to love me and the facts told me that those guys did not love me, but I just did not want to believe it.
I think everyone is trying to get a better picture of this situation in order to advise you, there are some cultures where women are looked at as the property of men; either their fathers or husbands. I am not going to name any specific cultures there are multiple of them, so I think the question that shockley123 was asking was in an attempt to figure out if your husband’s behavior would be perceived as normal within the cultural beliefs/norms of where ever your husband is from/was raised. Finnland does not strike me as such a place.
When you say you left the States 2 months ago, I am assuming you mean the United States? Did this traumatic event occur in the United States or was it after you moved to Mumbai? If this happened before you moved to Mumbai I am wondering if your husband wanted to move there because it would make it more difficult for you to leave him and you would be more dependent on him, thus you were more likely to accept his horrible behavior. In Mumbai I do not believe that a man can be found guilty of raping his wife, he can in the United States.
I do not know what your husband’s disorder is exactly. There are not any “anti-sadism” drugs that you can buy and slip into his drink. If he indeed needs medication for something, only a doctor should decide what the medication would be. That is not a good or safe plan.
Here is my opinion about your husband, please keep in mind this is only my opinion.
I think that your husband is actually an insecure person who over the years developed some issues controlling his severe rages at the way that he perceived that others were treating him.
In order to feel better and more powerful/in control he seems to want to be very possessive over what he thinks is his (unfortunately he thinks you are his in an unhealthy way) and that was part of the reason that he so aggressively attacked your male friend.
However I also think that he was happy to use your friend as his personal punching bag as an outlet for the rage he felt at you insisting on sexual boundaries. I think that although he may have been telling you..”No problem.” That you setting what he perceived as ‘the rules of the relationship’ was indeed making him feel very angry inside.
I do not know how long you dated and he waited to have sex with you, but I think that his anger built up and built up. He felt that you were the one with the power and control in the relationship.
And so when your husband had the opportunity to be in control and to be the one with the power, all of that rage was released on to you and he felt that he was finally the one who was in control.
I think that when Babybowrain said that your husband is lying about who he is, that what she meant is that all along your husband played the role of the chivalrous guy who was willing to wait and respect you, when actually he was angry and wanted to control the relationship and you.
You mentioned that you met at a college party, I am assuming this was in the United States, and that he is Finnish and that you are half Finnish. You said that you were amazed to meet another Finn so you started dating. It seems to me that perhaps your family was not in the United States or that you felt like you needed/wanted to connect with someone who had a similar cultural background as yours.
I think your husband saw that you were feeling a bit lonely and so he played a role…that of the best friend/wonderful boyfriend to make you fall in love with him. I think that people like your husband are very good at seeing another person’s vulnerabilities in order to take advantage of them.
You say that you love your husband and that you want for him to get well, yet you also say that if you leave he would try to start a war against you. I am not exactly sure what a war against you means, but obviously you believe that his behavior would be mean/aggressive and in some way detrimental to your well being.
So I think you should ask yourself a question that I have had to ask myself in the past…Do you love your husband or do you love who you want for him to be? Because in my opinion, and again you have posted here for advice/opinions, your husband is a controlling conniving bully who played the role of the wonderful best friend boyfriend all the while he was becoming angrier and angrier that you were denying something (sex) that he thought he had the right to.
And at the first opportunity where he could justify his behavior, he established his control and dominance over you. The fact that you are afraid of what he would do if you left, shows that this control and dominance is impacting your choices in life, which is just how he wants for you to feel..that you do not have any options.
I hope that you always keep your passport in a place that you can get to it if you need it. That you have found a job where you are earning your own money and that you save some that he does not know about and that you have your own credit cards. I think you should begin to at least make a plan on how you would leave if/when that is what is needed.
You are isolated now, but as soon as possible and without him knowing, begin to take actions that will allow you to be in control of your own destiny.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I do not think that your husband will ever change and I don’t think that you will ever feel safe, loved and happy with him. Everyone deserves those things. It took me a long time, but I finally found a person who would give me that kind of life. I could have found someone who really loved me and treated me well a lot sooner, if I hadn't stayed with men who treated me badly because I was too insecure to leave them. Instead I chose to hope that they would change and so I wasted many years of my life.
this is so close to what a psychiatrist told me and i'm devastated to be having to get into this by myself in this place as i'm too shy to disclose what my husband does to my friends and my parents already know but they chose not to support me and all this confuses me since i don't know if he's a psychopath/sociopath or not but i'm kinda sure he isn't he does good and actually involved in charity and i've learned that he is a very good team leader at work and very supportive and this i know cuz he supported me a lot before marriage he was always there to pick me up whenever i was feeling down or like i wasn't gonna pass this exam or get that degree he just pushed me forward it's like i don't know him anymore i mean hes still the same supportive smart guy but somehow he unleashes this dark thing in him which i know is there and it surfaces most of the time now but he used to be my best friend i'm lost i don't have the courage or energy to fight this war against him and i'm scared to death of what he might do if he knew
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