So much compassion, support and hope from you all; many of you will always always hold a special place in my heart
Like Veronica said, "I will never meet you but you do not feel like a stranger to me, for you have shared your innermost thoughts and feelings." I feel the very same about many of you!This is a very good place indeed, but it can be very distructful at times (whether intentionally so, or by indirect means like: misinformation/underlying condicention/unknowing psychological upset, etc...) so sometimes it's important to take a step back and revise what's been said, what's been done and re focus on the road ahead against those things.
That's what I've been doing the past few days, taking the good pieces of help and great information/insight and sorting them out, re reading them and regaining the insight that was presented there with great intent, substancial information, and which can attribute to my success in pushing back the disorder and beating this thing.
Granted we all make mistakes, and whether directly or indirectly cause some hardships to each other. I know many of my own actions (both past and present) have struck a nerve with (or even outright offended) many people, and vice versa.
While talking with a wise friend about this place it became very obvious that these boards can be both benificial and hurtful at times. I'm not the first poster who's needed to take a break from here and I'm sure I won't be the last. Mnay of us are so influencial that it's hard to not be sucked in to the idea that what's posted on these boards is ture, relevant, 'good' advice vs. the fact that much of it could be in fact just the opposite. remember, that many of are disordered (whether diagnosed as such or just suspecting of the disorder- the fact that mental instibilityruns rampant can not be ignored) and as such what we get is a menagrie of disordered thoughts and advice. I'm not saying it's all bad- on the contrary, much of it is something we can all identify with and feel an affinity too, but so many of us are incapable to sorting out the 'good stuff' from the 'not so good stuff', and theirin lays the problem.
My friend has some theories on why/how these boards can be unintentionally damaging:
Forum destructive
The dominate reason the forum fails is due to huge skew in numbers there. (Really, only people who interact count, lurkers cannot be considered.) The seriously disordered/needy vastly dominate the truly helpful/providers. The result of this 100 to 1 skew is that the agenda is perpetually stuck on "the problem description" (commiseration of sufferers) vs. "the solution" (actual concrete steps to eradicate)
Malevolent Posters Attack You
Posters must be confident they can insulate themselves from aggressive / destructive behavior of others. There is no control over what others post and much of what is posted is clearly destructive. Frankly the destruction is both unintentional and actually intentional. After all the place is filled with disorder!
Relevance declines exponentially
Readers also must be pretty sure they can skim read and filter out messages that are not of help to them. As you go on with the forum however you find much of the knowledge contained in the current message flow is uninformed by what went through prior. The very same questions get asked in seemingly infinite ways. As a result it takes more and more attention to the current message flow, and reading an ever increasing number of new messages to find something “incremental” and helpful to your already accumulated knowledgebase. Yes there is always serendipity or “a really great new nugget” however statistically the odds work totally against this.
A Menagerie World Where Normal and Abnormal Blend In Surrealistic Ways
The disordered are by definition not normal. No surprise there. However that doesn't mean they are not masterminds at seduction, manipulation, exploitation, extortion, etc. The forum is basically a lunatic asylum where the care-givers and the care-takers are all wandering around, dressed alike. Without prior filtering of any type (and deep investigation into who is posting) all speak with an equal voice. Outside the asylum there is a significant separation of "normal" vs. "disordered" – the gulf is wide! Outside there is a very clear distinction between the "very well informed" and "exceptionally naive". In the forum there is no clear distinctions at all, it’s a blended surrealistic environment. None of the infrastructure supports clear separation.
Mob rule
What the "mob" agrees to in the Forum gets exported the participants as the ultimate truth. However, giving the ratio of "disordered" to "non-disordered" that emergent truth is often far the mark. It doesn't stand up outside the Forum.
A paradox – You can’t be disordered to use the forum!
Teasing all the above out takes a very clear mind, lots of effort and an exceptionally thick skin. You need a very solid sense of self, bulletproof amour (sound boundaries in all close, interpersonal relationships) , and superior (not just standard) emotional regulation. It’s far from a sanctuary, a repository of well filtered, right on target knowledge, and a genuine place of support for earnestly pushing back disorder. In fact its actually a very chaotic, very hostile environment. The forum is designed to help but in many ways it can actually misdirect and harm.
Does this mean we should not use the forum or that we can not find true benefits and help here?
NO! Not at all!!!!
What it means is that we have to be very careful to try and step back once a while, see where the good lays vs. where the misinformation/misdirection and misgivings are present, and try to sort them out if we're to use this place effectively and get the full benefit and reward from this environment.
Is that easy?
HELL NO! But it's necessary, and it works!
We all make mistakes, myself included. I feel really bad about what happened with jameshpd a few days ago when I was trying help him and it turned out to be more than he could handel- he flew into a rage. I can't take that action back. Nore can I take back any of the other actions I've done that may have hurt others, neither can anyone else for that matter. But I can tread lightly, and reflect/research things thouroughly from this point on to see where truth lays and misinformation/misdirection is present.
Feedback and support is always agood thing, but when giving information/instruction or adding insight that could be damaging, we all need to think a little better before throughing our 2c from time to time. We have as much impact to be able harm as we do to help here, and sometimes that's forgotten when purging personal oppinion over solid sound advice- in all of us, myself included.
A few of my insights on some things my wise friend had to say will explain this theory a bit more I think:
- There’s not much human respect on the forum. What many people see is the ‘disorder’ not the person. And they attack that accordingly. Many of them forget that those who are real PD’s, are mentally ill and in that we don’t have the reasonability, the ‘common sense’ (for lack of a better term) or the coping ability that a norm has; instead of understanding that and allowing for error they effectively USE those weaknesses to torment and ridicule. Then we retaliate in our disordered way, and it gets real ugly real fast!
- For those of us who are truly disordered, no- we don’t fit every area of the DSM classification and we are different in many ways from what the DSM describes. Conditions are, like you said, are often comorbid (more often than not according to what I’ve read [love your thoughts on that statement if you would]) so no one’s going to fit the HPD mold ‘perfectly’ this essentially sets the stage for all kinds of misrepresentation from those who think they have HPD, and makes the REAL PD’s look less likely because they’re not so well molded. Confusion takes the scene and a billion ‘diagnose me’ posts fly...
- This is great advice, to do your research on the person before taking their opinions/posts to heart. It seems most of us are able to do with information we seek, but we never apply it to people...
- It’s probably much better for disordered persons to identify and relate experiences of either negative outcome possibilities (derived from their past) or positive influences that they have learned/gathered in true clinical therapy. Give tools, rather than opinions- right? That would be difficult in the HPD forum (not as bad as NPD, but HPD's whom still love to give their opinion and be held in high regard/insightful- lol) but remaining objective, I think is key when responding.
- I’m going try to do more research on people and see if that impacts my responses should I go back out on the boards...
- I do know exactly what you mean here. Sometimes the good posts get lost in the bad; black & white thinking and reactions do this (I would think) and instead of focussing in on better more well thought out, reflective and helpful post, people are driven to instantly react to the ‘black hole’ in the wall and show their disapproval/disgust/rage. I’d like to point out (as I’m sure you know) that this happens in our lives too, not just on the board. I think the ratio is something like “It takes 5-10 positive things (in this case statements) to make up for the emotional damage caused by one negative thing” right? I can’t remember where I heard that, but it was a long time ago and it made sense to me even then...
- Yes, there is too much negativity and judgement that creates those black holes. I think much of it can be related to any number of the statements I made in my first response to your forum hypothesis.
- Many on there are easily impressionable and can all too easily be pushed into what people demand of them. But that’s not always correct- is it? Just because large numbers agree on something, it doesn’t make is so- especially when you’re relaying on the ‘lunatics’ for advice- lol (hope that made ya smile)
- Strength in numbers does hold power and because it is powerful/influential, impressionables can be easily manipulated, and those who are stronger in opinion (which I think I am, moreso than impressionable) are left greatly confused/wondering what ‘right IS’ at the very least.
- Again, I agree. It’s hard to stay truly focused and intact when you have so many people pulling you in all directions. Still though, it’s near impossible to find the kind of information and support that the forum provides- especially where HPD is concerned. There’s not much out there dealing with the disorder.
- Because there are so few ‘GENIUN PD’s out there in the world, and even fewer in any kind of treatment, there is limited sources available for the disordered, outside a clinical setting which is damn near impossible to get into and many couldn’t afford (USA) even if they could get in. So in essence- where else do people have to go?
- It’s a double edged sword isn’t it? If you are disordered you need help and resources to fix your life, but there’s nothing much available in community ‘geared’ support, so you’re forced to find help in a forum which (as helpful as it is) can induce more confusion/destruction to your mental capacity than when you went there.
I'm all for the forum and the help, supportand comrodory it gives to so many of us, but remember:
1. Many of the people here are fragile/impressionable and easily influenced/confussed. Think not only about the things you say, but how they're delivered and if they are infact well supported, established, concrete truths or just your own personal oppinion, and relate that accordingly.
2. Behind every screen name sits a real person who is hoping for help of some type. They all have feelings and inadiquacies, just as you, and they are all HUMAN with the potential for mistakes and misinformation, like yourself. We are not here to judge or ridicule, but to guide and support each other. Investigate your guidance and use your compassion for support when posting. When reading, look at what's being said, who's saying what, and investigate advice/directions to make sure things are on the right track and suported by proper evidance clinical back up where ever possible.
3. Speak from the heart but consult with your head. Don't just throw down the first thing that comes to mind and don't take everything posted as 100% true fact. Sit on it, check it out and be careeful what put out and what you take in.
I think if we were to all behave with a little more compassion and research to our posts, and little less instant reaction and personal opinion; this could place could be further ahead in helping everyone of us in the battle against this thing.
I hope everyone finds some kind of peace in their lives and I'll be in touch again soon.
Much Luv
~Alice
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