He kicked me out... (trigger for the nons?)

My therapist that is.

I thought this session was going really well! I was being open and honest, COMPLETELY. Where as normally I tone myself back. I told him about my week this week. It was a good one. I was fvckin' with 5 guys (not literally, but in the mind). There's this one who I just absolutely want to break! I want to break all his morals and bring him to his knees. I don't like him sexually, I'd never date him. But I need to get him. It's fun. Its this crazy feeling and it's making me have this euphoric type mood! I have super, excessive energy. I love it.

Anyway, then we talked about my friendships with women and being picked on in school. How I reacted and the things I did. That now when I'm friends with a girl I'm the leader. In fact, in any group setting I'm the leader and when I'm not, I'm withdrawn.

At the end.. He kind of looked at me and told me he didn't know if I should come back. I was really knocked off balance with that. Guess I learned my lesson- don't be honest with therapists! But I responded...

Me: Huh? What do you mean?
Him: Do you want to take a few weeks off and come back or just not come back? I can send you to someone else.
Me: I'm confused. I didn't ask about taking time off. What am I suppose to be doing on my two weeks off?
Him: Reflecting on if you should be here.

pause.. my blonde brain begins to work...

Me: Oh I see.... You're saying that until I want to change, this is pointless.
Him: ::looking at me with this face!:: I suppose that's what I'm saying. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
Me: I wasn't aware I ever told you I wanted to drink. So, we're just done? That was sure fast.
Him: You would be here in therapy for YEARS. (which is big for him because last week he told me most his pts are out in 6 months)
Me:I came here to understand and if you can't give that to me, then I guess we are done.
Him: What do you want to understand?
Me: Me! What caused this. The triggers. The everything within it.
Him: Well what do you think?
Me: Stop that!! I know what I think. What do you think?! C'mon. I'm going to leave here and say I go find someone else. What DX am I operating under? What should I tell them? Tell me. What is it? Huh? Are you still operating under mood disorder NOS? (And my speech patterns at this point are rapid because this mood has me and I'm worked up. Wisdom, I raged a bit for you!)
Him: You tell them everything you've told me.
Me: What do you have written down? What will they see when they read your notes??
Him: They'll see all we talk about.
Me: They'll just see mood disorder?
Him: They'll see Mood Disorder NOS with power, control, sex and love issues.

So I suppose I'm done with therapy. I knew from the beginning this guy's degree wasn't going to be enough to keep me.

Is it wrong to feel proud? Proud to be too broken for this man? Because that's how I feel.

I've had the same evil smile on my face all day now.

HOLY SHMIDT! I though you meant hubs kicked you out!

Honestly though, you're guy sounds like a terd (shrink/not hubs) and if I were you, proud or not I would seek that second opinion and see what your problem really is. Whether you're ready to change it or not- you wanna know- right?
So get er DONE!

Grab a new shrinkiy dink and hop on that horse again hunny!!!
That's the only way you're gonna know for sure & btw... don't break this one- k?

Honesty is good, but find a shrink that deals specifically with PD's and get that second O- you never know... Could be the 'big O' this time
Just kidding

Luv ya like a Crazy

He actually sounds like a good therapist to me... at whatever level he's competent to practice. He's not the guy for you, though.

Seems to me he did a few things:
1) He determined that he was not the one to be assistive to you. If you want to read that as you 'exceeded his capabilities' (which may be true), or that you "broke him" (which is giving yourself too much credit), I guess you will.

2) He told you the truth in the few things you've said here. To me, your therapy will take years. You're not in the place where you acknowledge that your behavior is destructive enough or harmful enough or creating enough havoc in your life enough that you're motivated to examine it and change. You just want to consider it/get more info. That's legitimate. But most therapists don't want to put too much effort into a person who isn't disturbed enough about their life that they see problems/issues they sincerely want to tackle. Your lack of being at least somewhat genuinely upset by what occurred seems to me to be evidence of that. You say you're proud... if that's true and not just glorying on the board, then even more your therapist was correct. You're so well defended against your core issues that you simply can't/won't feel them, at all.

3) I think he was correct in not giving you a more definitive diagnosis. Did you take any diagnostic tests? If not, he genuinely doesn't know at this point what diagnosis to offer except the somewhat 'mushy' one he's give to you. I think he did you a service to not jump any gun.

4) I think it is a good thing that you were open and honest with him.... even if it meant the termination of therapy. You don't want to be with someone who can't, or doesn't want to, engage with you sufficiently to assist you. What's the point in that?
I hope you don't use this situation to now say "All therapists stink... know nothing... can be conn'ed... ditch you... are 'breakable', etc. That's not true. You're very skilled at what you do. You probably need a psychologist who is quite familiar with Cluster B pathology and has experience in treatment with a variety of folks with these diagnoses. And you probably need long-term therapy.

You have alot to offer to others, to this world, to yourself. But you sure aren't going to be able to acheive that if you spend your time fvking 5 guys in your mind all day...

I hope you choose to pursue continued therapy. And not just gloat over this empty victory.

Sorry Sans,

Have to agree with the therapist.

"You can lead a horse to water, but can't make them... drink".

Up to you to change. It is your mind, not his.

As lovesong says, Fvcking 5 guys in your mind isn't going to help.

So do you want to change or not or is it all a game? That's your first decision. Go to all the experts you want. But up to you in the end.

Blast me all you want......But true.

IME T's often challenge and push back to create a new pathway in the process. I constantly debate with mine. The role of the T is NOT to label you and hand you a set of instructions. It's to guide you and often in ways that are tough to identify. He gave you a decision point from the perspective he offered and trusting that you as an adult would make the best decision for yourself. This is essentially healthy parenting 101. We who did not experience this from our caregivers identify it much like you did, Stars. Just take some time to think things through and don't give up. He's still there. Though I think Life has it correct that you need someone more specialized. This doesn't mean you're "too broken" or that he is unloving. Besides, do you disagree with his dx? Are you cynical about it as a protective measure?

Dont take that $#%^ from him sans. He's just mad his ego can't hold the fact that your gonna screw up his average.

You should tell him "and here I thought I was paying you to do a job, didn't realize I was screwing up your average".

-> the first time your actually honest with him he wants to kick you out the door that's #######4. tell him to get back to work.

- Labor.

this is why you have to delve into the long term issues and the history and causes because you can't make a horse drink if you don't know why it's not thirsty. - I think he is plenty competent quite frankly. he isn't doing "work" he just wants quick fixes. this guy pisses me off. he's lazy. go back and ask if he ready to start working on some of the causes of these behaviors.

I'm just curious, but: Why would the horse be standing at a well, staring at the water, in the middle of the desert if it WASN'T thristy? - maybe the water looks tainted to the horse? she's in therapy for a reason, and he needs to start doing his job instead of saying it is the patients problem. he is judging you and displacing his emotions off on you Sans - normally, it would be projecting but in this case your accepting it so it is displacement. I don't know if you realize that, Sans. don't let him do that.

they are paid to do their job for a reason. it would have been appropriate to tell him you wanted your money back for all your sessions then that you have gone to. I don't care that this guy has a problem with "what he thinks is" catty behavior. tell him to stop judging you and start doing his job, he needs to stop looking at what it is and start analyzing why it is.

Your getting screwed twice sans. Once on your money, and once on your character. this guy is only getting screwed once, just his ego - tough, he is paid to handle this.

- Labor.

*previous post edited for anger management issues...*

LifeSong wrote:He actually sounds like a good therapist to me... at whatever level he's competent to practice. He's not the guy for you, though.

Seems to me he did a few things:
1) He determined that he was not the one to be assistive to you. If you want to read that as you 'exceeded his capabilities' (which may be true), or that you "broke him" (which is giving yourself too much credit), I guess you will.

IDK how else to take it. Why else could he no longer help me? Wouldn't taking years be a good thing? Extra $ for him.

LS wrote:2) He told you the truth in the few things you've said here. To me, your therapy will take years. You're not in the place where you acknowledge that your behavior is destructive enough or harmful enough or creating enough havoc in your life enough that you're motivated to examine it and change. You just want to consider it/get more info. That's legitimate. But most therapists don't want to put too much effort into a person who isn't disturbed enough about their life that they see problems/issues they sincerely want to tackle.

But really, its not that destructive that I can see. I don't really affect people that much. Everyone will be ok in the end.

Is wanting more info legitimate? Like, will the next person not want to help either? Wouldn't it be reasonable to consider once I do understand it, that I'll want to be different? For now I don't understand.

LS wrote:Your lack of being at least somewhat genuinely upset by what occurred seems to me to be evidence of that. You say you're proud... if that's true and not just glorying on the board, then even more your therapist was correct. You're so well defended against your core issues that you simply can't/won't feel them, at all.

No. I really was proud of myself. I guess I can't/won't feel it. That's a way of looking at it. Numb to myself. Part of the "I don't affect people" issue. If I can't even affect me, how could I affect them?

LS wrote:3) I think he was correct in not giving you a more definitive diagnosis. Did you take any diagnostic tests? If not, he genuinely doesn't know at this point what diagnosis to offer except the somewhat 'mushy' one he's give to you. I think he did you a service to not jump any gun.

Nope. No DX tests. Why is it I wouldn't get one? Isn't that somewhat standard?

LS wrote:4) I think it is a good thing that you were open and honest with him.... even if it meant the termination of therapy. You don't want to be with someone who can't, or doesn't want to, engage with you sufficiently to assist you. What's the point in that?

No point in that. I agree with you. But why wouldn't he want to continue with me? I understand I'm different than his normal pt. I'm not a housewife who's hubby doesn't love her enough, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve to be helped.

LS wrote:I hope you don't use this situation to now say "All therapists stink... know nothing... can be conn'ed... ditch you... are 'breakable', etc. That's not true. You're very skilled at what you do. You probably need a psychologist who is quite familiar with Cluster B pathology and has experience in treatment with a variety of folks with these diagnoses. And you probably need long-term therapy.

Nah. I'm thinking I'm going to keep going to someone. I need to find a female probably. And one with a PhD or at least a specialty. There's a female in his practice who does specialize in PDs... but I don't think I want to see anyone else in his same practice. Just not comfortable with that. Oh, and thanks for my ego boost of being skilled

okherewego212 wrote:
Blast me all you want......But true.

What is it with you lately? Why would I blast you any more than anyone else? You're saying the same things. Don't give yourself so much credit, would ya? I mean seriously.. this is like the second/third time you've said something like this or "Oh no! I'm sure you'll want the last word.. so give it to me!". Mature. And I'm suppose to be the disordered one.

velouria wrote:IME T's often challenge and push back to create a new pathway in the process. I constantly debate with mine. The role of the T is NOT to label you and hand you a set of instructions. It's to guide you and often in ways that are tough to identify. He gave you a decision point from the perspective he offered and trusting that you as an adult would make the best decision for yourself. This is essentially healthy parenting 101. We who did not experience this from our caregivers identify it much like you did, Stars. Just take some time to think things through and don't give up. He's still there. Though I think Life has it correct that you need someone more specialized. This doesn't mean you're "too broken" or that he is unloving. Besides, do you disagree with his dx? Are you cynical about it as a protective measure?

LOL! I'm so blonde. Took me forever to figure out IME. Got it now..

Thanks, V. I don't think I'm going to give up, but I agree he's not the one. I agree with his Dx on a superficial level. I think that it's something else but of course the Mood Disorder is a smaller required section of it. Ex: You have all these red spots on you. Someone comes in and tells you it's called a rash. The big dr comes in and says it's chicken pox! That doesn't mean the dx of rash was wrong, in fact it was required to see the larger picture. Right?