I don't know if this is the right category to post this in, but I don't know what's wrong with me so I just picked a general one.
I've had these thoughts for years, as long as I can remember. When I was little I was always angry and would just take out my frustations by being rude and mean to my family. Now I just want to try and 'cure' myself.
I'm on Effexor for depression/anxiety, but the Dr. who perscribed it to me would give it to anyone who asked so I don't really trust her opinion.
I'm considering talking to someone about this but I figured I'd just post on this board first, to see if any of you say anything that reall hits home for me.
I tried to point form what goes on in my head...
• I always over think things, in a negative way.
• If someone is mad at me, I just get MORE mad at them so then I’m the one in control and they have to work to make me not mad at them anymore.
• I analyze everything from the last time someone smiles, to how they’re sitting in relation to me.
• If someone says something like “you’re too argumentative” I will go to the extreme for a few hours/days and never ever be argumentative to prove a point.
• Before I say or do anything I think about how it will be perceived by the other person/people.
• A lot of time I’ve been told I’m looking too far into something, ex. A comment someone makes will get me thinking and asking question for weeks, and the person will say “geez, it wasn’t supposed to be such a big deal...”, or “you’re making a big deal out of nothing”.
• I feel like people (particularly my boyfriend) like me less when I’m eating around them.
• I’ve come to a sort of conclusion that my mind is my enemy and all of my negative thoughts are irrational, but it doesn’t stop me from being hurt/upset from them. I’ve convinced myself (Breah) not to trust myself (my mind).
• When I’m trying to go to sleep there are so many thoughts running threw my head that I have to consciously tell my mind to stop so that I can go to sleep. Otherwise I would be up all night worrying/analyzing.
• I want to be in control of my thoughts and I don’t feel like I am. At all.
• Even the thought of going to a psychologist scares me because I’ve heard that patients sometimes believe they have more of a problem than they ever do, just because of therapy.
• I always wonder if I’m the only one in the world with these thoughts, and why I am so “crazy”.
• I constantly monitor how much of this information I give to people because I don’t want to be characterized as crazy, or out-of-control of my thoughts.
• When I’m happy/laughing I’m extremely happy, but my mood can change for ANY reason and extremely fast. Ex. If someone says my laugh is weird, or if they look at me funny.
• I do research on the internet about everything. I thought of googleing “what does it mean when a guy says ‘love ya’ instead of ‘I love you’.”
• I feel like I’m always trying to know what’s on a person’s mind without them telling me. I try to dig deep into their words/actions and feel like I can maybe discover something about them that even they didn’t realize, until I brought it up. But that just frustrates people because it looks like I’m over-analyzing them, and I’m sure it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• But at the same time I don’t like to tell people if they do something that bothers me, because I know if they stop doing that certain thing it is just because I told them I didn’t like it and not because they don’t WANT to do that thing. Ex. “Don’t laugh at me”, then they don’t do it anymore. But when we’re together I’ll just be thinking “I bet if I didn’t say anything, they’d be laughing at me right now”. (Not a good example..)
• I try and attribute all of these irrational thoughts to something else. Ex. I’m PMSing, I haven’t got enough sleep, I’m hungry, I’ve been working a lot, etc. But I am starting to realize that these thoughts are consistent, but the excuses are not.
• I feel like I ruin relationships, and I make problems where there is none present. But at the same time, I feel like I deserve to be in a relationship where there is no way any of these thoughts would be present.
So any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks a lot.