Should I tell my T?

Hello! I'm new here.

I've had a lot strange things happening to me lately. I went today to a therapist, but I wasn't sure whether I should tell him what I'm suspecting (something related to dissociation). So, well, I'll tell my story.

What I told:

• I have what is called 'intrusive thoughts'. They are very negative. I don't want them and I'm not normally like that. I told that it is sometimes as if I have to bang my head against the wall (which I don't do!). I don't have those thoughts now (at least not that strong), I can 'handle' it now much better by letting them 'in' and accepting that it are just thoughts (it's still scary). He briefly mentioned OCD.
  
• My previous year at school was *very* stressful. I was just allowed for my exam (I had to finish a lot of work before a certain date).
  
• The various diagnoses I got (see my signature).
  
• That I became much more 'open' during introduction at my university. (I am studying now this year. I won't tell anything specific as I want to remain anonymous, for probably obvious reasons).
  
• I had three 'panic attacks' (or something like that). With the first I got to my mother and then all emotions came out. The second time she wasn't there. I called her but I coped by reading a book but still felt very cold inside (the following morning too). The third I was able to help myself (didn't go into specifics).

What I didn't tell:

• Those intrusive thoughts are actually mostly suicidal (which I am certainly not nor have I ever been!)
  
• I have been reading a lot about dissociation. I started searching for answers when the intrusive thoughts became so strong that I could barely handle them. I first looked up depression, but as I didn't feel depressed at all, I rejected it. Same for schizophrenia. Then I came across DID, and it fitted a bit more, but still not really.
  
• I have always had imaginary conversations with real and non-real persons (inclusive aliens! ). I told many things to them and 'they' always seemed to be interested.
  
• I coped with the intrusive thoughts by 'talking' to them. It feels very made up, but it helps somewhat.
  
• I handled that third 'flashback' by talking in the same way. Often not in words, but I 'think' something and a thought comes back like an answer.
  
• Moreover, I 'talk' that way more and more. Including to which music I should listen (I most often listen to gothic metal -like music, like Nightwish).
  
• I sometimes do what I call 'free writing': I randomly write the words that come to my mind. The first few times I did that, it was a description (and images!) of some sort (very bad) abuse happening to me. Then one time a 'my little pony'-like landscape with a unicorn and till now every time just random babble between different persons.
  
• That 'free writing' is mostly (well, always) on request from 'inside' and I often don't really want to do that. It's a partial alternative to those flashbacks.

Should I tell this to my therapist? I'm afraid to do so, because most started after reading about dissociation and it all seems to be made up. I don't think he will believe me and I don't really believe it myself too (although when I 'ask' inside the answer is certainly yes).

Another note: my GP suspected PTSD but my (new) therapist doesn't think that's it.

oaktree,
I suggest that you tell your T all these thoughts of yours. If he/she responds to them oddly, then it might be best to find another T. After all, your T is (or should be) there to help you, whatever the problem is. But it isn't that easy always...

Focus on the symptoms and skip the interpretations and labels. Meaning, describe what you are experiencing in your body (physical sensations), in your emotions (what feelings are coming up, in what context), and in your mind (what sounds you are hearing, visions you are seeing, etc).

quadretto wrote:oaktree,
I suggest that you tell your T all these thoughts of yours. If he/she responds to them oddly, then it might be best to find another T. After all, your T is (or should be) there to help you, whatever the problem is. But it isn't that easy always...

Una+ wrote:Focus on the symptoms and skip the interpretations and labels. Meaning, describe what you are experiencing in your body (physical sensations), in your emotions (what feelings are coming up, in what context), and in your mind (what sounds you are hearing, visions you are seeing, etc).

I know you are both right, but still, it's very hard. But I'm afraid/ashamed/forbidden/unable/whatever to say that to someone (I'm not sure which). I couldn't even tell to my mother that the things I wrote lately were in the form of random conversations. Maybe I should write it all up and mail him (my therapist) that I have something written that I can't tell. Do you think that can work? Would it help? Has someone else such problems with not being able to tell important things that might be dissociation related?
(While I'm writing this, I feel some tension inside me, especially when thinking of writing it all up and handing it over).

Another thing, when I made the appointment, I really felt I needed help. But when I finally had that appointment last Monday, I felt much less confused. Everything was well and I wasn't able to tell why I felt I needed help. Now I don't know, but I don't know what the best way is. Just waiting till the problems start again (or it just stops and was a temporary thing) or making a second appointment and maybe that is the right time then, or not. Insurance-wise it would maybe be much better to start next year.

Thanks for your replies anyway. It helps that I can write here what I want without being 'blocked' (I haven't told most of it to anyone in real life).

Waiting isn't really ever a good idea. No matter how hard it is, make yourself share these symptoms with your T. Perhaps you can write them down and then read them off, to help make it easier? You could even write them down and see if your T will read them so you don't have to verbalize them. Also, be honest with your T. Let them know you're afraid to talk about this, you're nervous and uneasy. They should respond with kindness and understanding. If they don't, then they're not right for you. It's better to find out sooner rather than later if this T can help you, or if they're actually not a good fit for you. And it's not ever really a good idea to wait to bring stuff up. Just because it seems to fade away (and this is normal with many people for many things, not just DID), doesn't mean it's gone away, and it doesn't mean it's not still affecting you.

If you have DID, remember that a DID system is built to hide to help the host/person out the most seem as "normal" and "ok" as possible. A DID system doesn't want to be noticed, especially if the system doesn't know it's in a safe environment. So having the feeling of needing help fade away could be a defensive mechanism, much like denial, that your system is using to decrease the risk of them being "exposed". The best thing for you to do is to share these symptoms with your T, and not let yourself "hide" from yourself any longer. I know it's hard but you're just going to have to say "screw it, I'm going for it" or something.

Cassandra (you are Cassandra, right?), you have convinced me. For now, at least. Writing it all up and letting my T read it seems the best thing to do to me. And sending a mail beforehand that I have something to give to him so I am 'forced' to give it. I know I shouldn't hide such important information, but it is, indeed, very hard to tell (as quadretta said).

What I also noted one time, when I've told one person about something personal, it becomes much easier to tell another person, although the two may not know each other at all. Maybe this is the first step in opening up *very* personal details.

Ok. I've started writing this (now in another language) and mailed to my T that I have to tell something in the next appointment.

And something strange happened tonight. It seemed I was forced to believe I had DID. But that is maybe something for a different thread.

Edit: here it is: "forced" to believe having DID?

Yes, I'm Cassandra. And I'm glad I was able to convince you. I hope it goes well. Congratulations on taking that big step forward!

As for your thread, I'll reply to it there.

I wrote it all down (including reading about DID, as it seemed to cause it / wake it up) and let him read it - I couldn't.
He called it a 'information processing disorder' that probably would cause it. He suggested me that maybe Ritalin or antipsychotic in a low dose could help. As of now, I wait and think about it. Maybe I'll try Ritalin one time as that's quite safe to try, the antipsychotic sounds pretty scary to me. He didn't seem to be very knowledgeable about DID. He he would look up the criteria and he said it is most often caused by childhood trauma and that didn't happen to me (which is true, but the whole point of DID is to not know about it).
I have sometimes that everything seems to become dark, I seem to 'slip away'. That is the thing that most scares me at the moment, as I think someone else is taking over at that moment.
He told me a method to cope with the anxiety. Basically just letting it happen and not trying to stop it. Maybe I'll try that next time, in the hope it will indeed fade away. And If I am indeed taken over, at least I know this is DID (-like).

I haven't told that the 'conversations' I have are actually with 'people' that seem to have names, ages, genders etc. (It's now Si 13, Child of the desert 13, Ni probably 17-18, San 13-18 or so, all female, and one that I really don't like that seemed to be male. I am 18 jr old and male).

So, I think I'll just wait and see.

You cannot withhold information from your T. Otherwise he will misdiagnose you, as he's already starting to do, and put you on meds that you don't need. DO NOT AGREE to try the anti-psychotic drugs, depending on what they are, I've heard they can make things worse. As for Ritalin, I wouldn't try it until you get a for-sure diagnosis, and that won't happen until you share EVERYTHING with your T- including the fact that these voices are "people" that have names and such. You also have to be clear that you know they're in your head- otherwise, most doctors will misdiagnose DID patients with schizophrenia.

Congrats on taking the big step, but unless it's done correctly, it'll backfire on you. It's like a poker game- you have to show ALL your cards. If you withhold ANY cards from your T, he won't know vital information to help his diagnosis of you, and you'll be in risk of being misdiagnosed and thus, mistreated and mismedicated.

And no, the POINT of DID is to COPE with trauma, not necessarily not remember it. And remember- EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Especially co-conscious people, or people who needed to remember stuff in order to make them appear "normal". I remember ALL of my trauma. Just because another alter took the brunt of it, doesn't mean they made me black out (least not entirely), and it doesn't mean they didn't let me remember. So don't assume it's not DID just because of a few little differences. DID has guidelines and symptoms, yes, but it IS different in some ways in everyone.

If you "wait and see", you could be letting your T cement incorrect ideas, and then it could be hard to convince him otherwise. You can't "wait and see" with something like this, especially not now since you've shown most of your hand. It's time to show ALL of your hand, because otherwise, you're only going to hurt yourself and your mental health. ESPECIALLY since he doesn't seem to know much about DID. That's a red flag too- I might seek out another T that IS familiar with it, otherwise you could still risk being misdiagnosed.

(As far as the male that you don't really like goes, just keep in mind- you are ALL PARTS of the SAME PERSON. Technically, you are ALL the SAME person, just a different personality of that person. If you had stayed whole and hadn't split, you'd be a mix of everyone "in" your head right now, including yourself).