Should I tell my T?

I have sent an email to my T with a list of names and ages and a fragment of such a conversation (in which Sandra actually told me I should write that very email).

tomboy24 wrote:You cannot withhold information from your T. Otherwise he will misdiagnose you, as he's already starting to do, and put you on meds that you don't need. DO NOT AGREE to try the anti-psychotic drugs, depending on what they are, I've heard they can make things worse. As for Ritalin, I wouldn't try it until you get a for-sure diagnosis, and that won't happen until you share EVERYTHING with your T- including the fact that these voices are "people" that have names and such. You also have to be clear that you know they're in your head- otherwise, most doctors will misdiagnose DID patients with schizophrenia.

Congrats on taking the big step, but unless it's done correctly, it'll backfire on you. It's like a poker game- you have to show ALL your cards. If you withhold ANY cards from your T, he won't know vital information to help his diagnosis of you, and you'll be in risk of being misdiagnosed and thus, mistreated and mismedicated.

Why I didn't tell about the separate names and ages, was that they just appeared that clear and distinct from the usual confusion that my head is.

And - I think there's something blocking me. Like, a part that doesn't want it all to be known. When I get into such a conversation, they tell me sometimes they also get blocked for telling certain things. Which is not easing things here. I probably need to become more assertive in this regard.
One time today, when I wanted to tell something about a (partial?) flashback (or something like that), I couldn't tell that at first too (while I had told it him previously, and it wasn't like I didn't want to tell it). So, something is really blocking.
Ok. I have to break trough this. Maybe it was that part again (Sandra just told me it is indeed a part, an alter, she didn't know whether there were more and telling more seemed to be blocked. At least, she didn't really want to tell.)

About the anti-psychotic drugs - I wasn't going to try them. And he also said something like that they could suppress certain feelings which would hinder me to heal from it. But then, he seems to think it's related to anxiety and an 'information processing disorder' (related to ADD, PDD-NOS etc.). Which may be true, but is not the only/main cause.

tomboy24 wrote:And no, the POINT of DID is to COPE with trauma, not necessarily not remember it. And remember- EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Especially co-conscious people, or people who needed to remember stuff in order to make them appear "normal". I remember ALL of my trauma. Just because another alter took the brunt of it, doesn't mean they made me black out (least not entirely), and it doesn't mean they didn't let me remember. So don't assume it's not DID just because of a few little differences. DID has guidelines and symptoms, yes, but it IS different in some ways in everyone.

Ok. I thought that was also a goal, as many people with DID don't remember that (is that correct? At least, that happens often I have read.) I didn't think that was why it wasn't DID for me - he thought that (at least, that is what I made from it).

tomboy24 wrote:If you "wait and see", you could be letting your T cement incorrect ideas, and then it could be hard to convince him otherwise. You can't "wait and see" with something like this, especially not now since you've shown most of your hand. It's time to show ALL of your hand, because otherwise, you're only going to hurt yourself and your mental health. ESPECIALLY since he doesn't seem to know much about DID. That's a red flag too- I might seek out another T that IS familiar with it, otherwise you could still risk being misdiagnosed.

He seems to be very understanding and I trust him currently. As far as I saw, he really considered DID and didn't just back off saying I had this all imagined - which is at least a huge relief. But I hope he sees there is more that just an 'information processing disorder' now I have sent that email. There is a problem there, but probably caused by dissociation (he actually mentioned that term once, I don't remember now in which context). I felt a bit dissociated that whole time.

tomboy24 wrote:(As far as the male that you don't really like goes, just keep in mind- you are ALL PARTS of the SAME PERSON. Technically, you are ALL the SAME person, just a different personality of that person. If you had stayed whole and hadn't split, you'd be a mix of everyone "in" your head right now, including yourself).

I know, I know. It IS part of me, but it did let me think of my father (he is similar. I hope he doesn't find out I have told/written this).

Currently, Sandra is very angry at me, if she is real (she doesn't like me saying this - "I am real!"). She now calls me an idiot - but I hope that will fade away .

Thank you, Cassandra, for your view on this.

On another note: I saw that Rain (I nearly said 'you', sorry ) has posted a list of threads "For all of you who are wondering..." which I will read. I probably will only read a part of it as some of it is triggering and I now know that I should avoid that before sleeping (I can handle triggering content just fine otherwise) and it's already late. Maybe that thread should be kept sticky? I actually thought before that such a post would be useful - in nearly the same format.

oaktree wrote:I have sent an email to my T with a list of names and ages and a fragment of such a conversation (in which Sandra actually told me I should write that very email).

That's AWESOME!! Congratulations on taking an even bigger step!

oaktree wrote:And - I think there's something blocking me. Like, a part that doesn't want it all to be known. When I get into such a conversation, they tell me sometimes they also get blocked for telling certain things. Which is not easing things here. I probably need to become more assertive in this regard.
One time today, when I wanted to tell something about a (partial?) flashback (or something like that), I couldn't tell that at first too (while I had told it him previously, and it wasn't like I didn't want to tell it). So, something is really blocking.
Ok. I have to break trough this. Maybe it was that part again (Sandra just told me it is indeed a part, an alter, she didn't know whether there were more and telling more seemed to be blocked. At least, she didn't really want to tell.)

Keep in mind that DID systems are made to hide and don't want to be found. The whole point of them is to help the host seem as normal and ok as possible, even when they're not, so that they can function and survive as best as possible. This is why denial is so common and strong in people with DID/DDNOS. It's a hard defensive mechanism to get past. Even when systems finally realize that they are safe, they're in a safe environment, and it's ok to come forward, they still battle with reflexive defenses, such as hiding and denial, because that's been their whole goal up until now (now that they're out of the unsafe environment). It's hard to let go of habits, and hiding/denial is a strong habit in DID systems.
Also, some people have a part of them that block the host from exposing them because they don't want to be "found out". This can be for a number of reasons. That part could believe that they don't have DID (even though they do), that part could be a protector that's still trying to protect the host from "finding out things", that part could be a protector of the system and doesn't want to risk others being hurt once they're "exposed", stuff like that. It's important to remind yourself often that you're ok, you're safe, and that everyone's ok and it's ok to come forward and be known now.

oaktree wrote:About the anti-psychotic drugs - I wasn't going to try them. And he also said something like that they could suppress certain feelings which would hinder me to heal from it. But then, he seems to think it's related to anxiety and an 'information processing disorder' (related to ADD, PDD-NOS etc.). Which may be true, but is not the only/main cause.

Good.
And yes, he might be right, but you're also right in that it wouldn't be the only/main cause. It might be something you have in addition to DDNOS/DID, or something a part of you has even, but not the answer to everything.
(Note- just as parts can have different memories and such, they can also have different disorders. Rain does not have anxiety, but I do. She also does not have PTSD, at least, not enough to cause actual flashbacks, but the twins, Luna and L.C., have very obvious PTSD and can experience extreme flashbacks. Luna and L.C. have depression, while other alters do not. Stuff like that).

oaktree wrote:Ok. I thought that was also a goal, as many people with DID don't remember that (is that correct? At least, that happens often I have read.) I didn't think that was why it wasn't DID for me - he thought that (at least, that is what I made from it).

No.
While it can be a main GOAL of DID to not let the host remember in order to allow survival and the ability to function, it's not the POINT of DID itself. The main point of DID is to help the host cope with trauma any way necessary. This can mean allowing them to remember though the alters took the brunt of it, or making them forget it completely, or allowing them to remember bits and pieces while forgetting the "worst" parts, etc. The whole point of DID is coping with trauma, not necessarily forgetting/not remembering it.
The main criteria for DID (though I disagree with it, since there seem to be people here with DID that have no amnesia whatsoever and match other DID symptoms without matching the other "choice" of diagnosis of DDNOS), is that there has to be amnesia between at least two alters. This does not mean the trauma has to be forgotten. Instead, it means that while one alter is "out" in control, AT LEAST ONE other alter should not be able to remember what happened. And people can lose time as little as seconds, minutes, stuff that's not noticeable.
For example- I think I remember everything. And overall, I do. I used to convince myself I blacked out because I didn't want to remember stuff that happened outside of my control. But there's little things I don't remember- details of stuff Kat said to someone, details of a situation though I might remember overall what happened, seconds where someone will put something somewhere and I won't know where (until I find it and wonder how it got there), stuff that you might never notice until you really look back on it and think about it.
When I question my DID, my friends and boyfriend reassure me, because there's been times where someone else (usually a Secondary Group alter), like Damone, will be "out" and he won't remember stuff that I did or that Kat did while we were "out". He might have heard about it, he might know about it overall, but he won't remember it exactly because it's not HIS memory, it's OUR'S. (I hope that makes sense).

oaktree wrote:He seems to be very understanding and I trust him currently. As far as I saw, he really considered DID and didn't just back off saying I had this all imagined - which is at least a huge relief. But I hope he sees there is more that just an 'information processing disorder' now I have sent that email. There is a problem there, but probably caused by dissociation (he actually mentioned that term once, I don't remember now in which context). I felt a bit dissociated that whole time.

Ok, good. As long as he doesn't write off DID completely, I'd give him a chance.
Yeah, that can happen, especially in therapy. Another thing you can do to help your T understand you- start recording somewhere, like in a journal, about your dissociative feelings and experiences, especially if you felt that way in therapy. That way, you can start to watch for "warning signs" and recognize it when it's happening (if you don't already). It can also tell your T that he might need to repeat some stuff or something like that, which is nothing to be ashamed of, by the way.

oaktree wrote:I know, I know. It IS part of me, but it did let me think of my father (he is similar. I hope he doesn't find out I have told/written this).

Currently, Sandra is very angry at me, if she is real (she doesn't like me saying this - "I am real!"). She now calls me an idiot - but I hope that will fade away .

It's common for people to have parts that are similar to family members, attackers, abusers, etc. (not that I'm saying your family abused you. I'm not assuming anything till you/I know for sure).
Kat's very similar to my dad (though she'd never admit it and gives me a nice, loving punch on the shoulder whenever I comment on it ).
Sandra might be a protector or a denial part that I mentioned earlier in this reply. It's common to have parts that don't like you saying they're real. Give it time, and therapy will help as well.

You're welcome, I'm glad I could help.

oaktree wrote:On another note: I saw that Rain (I nearly said 'you', sorry ) has posted a list of threads "For all of you who are wondering..." which I will read. I probably will only read a part of it as some of it is triggering and I now know that I should avoid that before sleeping (I can handle triggering content just fine otherwise) and it's already late. Maybe that thread should be kept sticky? I actually thought before that such a post would be useful - in nearly the same format.

Definitely wait to read it until you feel up to it, but I do hope you read at least some of it when you're able to. I'm proud of Rain for doing that- I wouldn't have had the patience to search for all of those threads and put them all together like that. (I'm not sure what you mean by "kept sticky" though, sorry ).

I hope everything is going well, after that post by Rebel.

tomboy24 wrote:Keep in mind that DID systems are made to hide and don't want to be found. The whole point of them is to help the host seem as normal and ok as possible, even when they're not, so that they can function and survive as best as possible. This is why denial is so common and strong in people with DID/DDNOS. It's a hard defensive mechanism to get past. Even when systems finally realize that they are safe, they're in a safe environment, and it's ok to come forward, they still battle with reflexive defenses, such as hiding and denial, because that's been their whole goal up until now (now that they're out of the unsafe environment). It's hard to let go of habits, and hiding/denial is a strong habit in DID systems.
Also, some people have a part of them that block the host from exposing them because they don't want to be "found out". This can be for a number of reasons. That part could believe that they don't have DID (even though they do), that part could be a protector that's still trying to protect the host from "finding out things", that part could be a protector of the system and doesn't want to risk others being hurt once they're "exposed", stuff like that. It's important to remind yourself often that you're ok, you're safe, and that everyone's ok and it's ok to come forward and be known now.

Yeah. I had another (unrelated) appointment today to talk about concentration problems. I really wanted to tell them I suspected something (I didn't even want to hint at DID or something), but I just couldn't. Very annoying. But, well, the ball has started rolling and I don't think it will stop anytime soon.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:About the anti-psychotic drugs - I wasn't going to try them. And he also said something like that they could suppress certain feelings which would hinder me to heal from it. But then, he seems to think it's related to anxiety and an 'information processing disorder' (related to ADD, PDD-NOS etc.). Which may be true, but is not the only/main cause.

Good.
And yes, he might be right, but you're also right in that it wouldn't be the only/main cause. It might be something you have in addition to DDNOS/DID, or something a part of you has even, but not the answer to everything.
(Note- just as parts can have different memories and such, they can also have different disorders. Rain does not have anxiety, but I do. She also does not have PTSD, at least, not enough to cause actual flashbacks, but the twins, Luna and L.C., have very obvious PTSD and can experience extreme flashbacks. Luna and L.C. have depression, while other alters do not. Stuff like that).

True. For example, sometimes the AS-symptoms just seem to fade away largely. But that's another thread (I have read somewhere) about DID vs autism.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:Ok. I thought that was also a goal, as many people with DID don't remember that (is that correct? At least, that happens often I have read.) I didn't think that was why it wasn't DID for me - he thought that (at least, that is what I made from it).

No.
While it can be a main GOAL of DID to not let the host remember in order to allow survival and the ability to function, it's not the POINT of DID itself. The main point of DID is to help the host cope with trauma any way necessary. This can mean allowing them to remember though the alters took the brunt of it, or making them forget it completely, or allowing them to remember bits and pieces while forgetting the "worst" parts, etc. The whole point of DID is coping with trauma, not necessarily forgetting/not remembering it.
The main criteria for DID (though I disagree with it, since there seem to be people here with DID that have no amnesia whatsoever and match other DID symptoms without matching the other "choice" of diagnosis of DDNOS), is that there has to be amnesia between at least two alters. This does not mean the trauma has to be forgotten. Instead, it means that while one alter is "out" in control, AT LEAST ONE other alter should not be able to remember what happened. And people can lose time as little as seconds, minutes, stuff that's not noticeable.
For example- I think I remember everything. And overall, I do. I used to convince myself I blacked out because I didn't want to remember stuff that happened outside of my control. But there's little things I don't remember- details of stuff Kat said to someone, details of a situation though I might remember overall what happened, seconds where someone will put something somewhere and I won't know where (until I find it and wonder how it got there), stuff that you might never notice until you really look back on it and think about it.
When I question my DID, my friends and boyfriend reassure me, because there's been times where someone else (usually a Secondary Group alter), like Damone, will be "out" and he won't remember stuff that I did or that Kat did while we were "out". He might have heard about it, he might know about it overall, but he won't remember it exactly because it's not HIS memory, it's OUR'S. (I hope that makes sense).

Ok. That clarifies it.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:I know, I know. It IS part of me, but it did let me think of my father (he is similar. I hope he doesn't find out I have told/written this).

Currently, Sandra is very angry at me, if she is real (she doesn't like me saying this - "I am real!"). She now calls me an idiot - but I hope that will fade away .

It's common for people to have parts that are similar to family members, attackers, abusers, etc. (not that I'm saying your family abused you. I'm not assuming anything till you/I know for sure).
Kat's very similar to my dad (though she'd never admit it and gives me a nice, loving punch on the shoulder whenever I comment on it ).
Sandra might be a protector or a denial part that I mentioned earlier in this reply. It's common to have parts that don't like you saying they're real. Give it time, and therapy will help as well.

Sandra is NOT a protector part. She was actually angry at me because I didn't tell about her during therapy. She wants it all to be known. She can read English, by the way, which is useful here . Not all are able to, the younger ones don't seem to understand. Which is understandable, as I couldn't read English then too. And I've very briefly talked to Siria, she still believes she is dead, ghost like.
That first part about the one I don't like was another of which I don't know the name/age yet.

tomboy24 wrote:You're welcome, I'm glad I could help.

I'm glad too

tomboy24 wrote:(I'm not sure what you mean by "kept sticky" though, sorry ).

That it stays as the first the whole time. Like the first four threads. Probably only moderators can mark a thread sticky.
(I actually learnt that meaning first, before the 'real' meaning. Yeah, I use the internet often.)
I started reading some of those threads. Helpful indeed (and it answered at least one question).

I'm not fully "here" right now but I wanted to let you know that everything's ok. Rebel doesn't cause much harm anymore. The most she does now is spend my money when we can't afford to. I'll reply to the rest when I'm able to.

Good to hear that it gets better. Take your time, it's not like I really need help at the moment.

oaktree wrote:He didn't seem to be very knowledgeable about DID. He he would look up the criteria and he said it is most often caused by childhood trauma and that didn't happen to me (which is true, but the whole point of DID is to not know about it).

Exactly. If your current symptoms are consistent with DID, then an absence of a history of abuse or neglect is also consistent with DID. Most psychotherapists don't know much about DID. When that is your situation, one of the best things you can do for yourself is insist on receiving an assessment by someone who specializes in diagnosing dissociative disorders. Then, insist that your therapist obtain professional consultation and/or ongoing supervision. For your therapist consultation and supervision are arrangements that usually cost money, but your therapist should regard them as an investment in his own professional development. If your therapist refuses to do this, please find yourself a new therapist.

oaktree wrote:True. For example, sometimes the AS-symptoms just seem to fade away largely. But that's another thread (I have read somewhere) about DID vs autism.

Yeah, I'm dealing with something similar myself. I have an alter who seems Autistic, and the more I find out about how she fits into my past and the more questions her existence and behaviours answer, the more I start to wonder if it's possible I was slightly Autistic or had an Autistic condition (such as Aspberger's) in some way. I know that I definitely don't have as strong of symptoms as she does, but when I pick away at all the stuff I've made myself learn and all the adjustments I've done, she and I definitely start to become more similar to each other.

There's definitely been some pretty amazing things proven to be possible with DID. Different alters can trigger such changes in the brain and chemical communications that they can even have different blood test results, different allergies, etc. Of course it varies depending on the person and their system, but the proof of what's possible remains.

It's possible for hosts to not feel the symptoms of alters' PTSD, and it's possible for one alter to be able to eat something another alter's allergic to, so I don't see why it wouldn't be possible for an alter's presence to affect AS symptoms and other such things.

oaktree wrote:Sandra is NOT a protector part. She was actually angry at me because I didn't tell about her during therapy. She wants it all to be known. She can read English, by the way, which is useful here . Not all are able to, the younger ones don't seem to understand. Which is understandable, as I couldn't read English then too. And I've very briefly talked to Siria, she still believes she is dead, ghost like.
That first part about the one I don't like was another of which I don't know the name/age yet.

Ah, ok, my mistake then. It sounds like her outspoken-ness might be helpful to you in therapy. Is there some way she could maybe help you talk about things she wants you to say instead of just getting angry at you for it (since that doesn't really help anything)?

The language stuff seems very normal, by the way.

I think Siria is indeed a "dead alter". You can see the definition here if you'd like (if you haven't seen it already, this list is actually pretty nice): http://www.dissociative-identity-disorder.org/terminology/alter.html
Basically, she believed that she died during the trauma because she felt like she was going to die at that point in time, and so, technically she did "die". She was unable to realize that she/the body actually did live through the trauma, and so she is now "dead".

oaktree wrote:That it stays as the first the whole time. Like the first four threads. Probably only moderators can mark a thread sticky.
(I actually learnt that meaning first, before the 'real' meaning. Yeah, I use the internet often.)
I started reading some of those threads. Helpful indeed (and it answered at least one question).

Ah, ok. Yeah, I think only Moderators can do that, but maybe I can ask them to do it or something.

From the other thread:

tomboy24 wrote:It might help to start keeping a record of when you experience stuff like this. When, what you were doing when it happened, and possible reasons for why. You might find patterns you never saw before, and it could help you start to organize things that you can recognize as "warning signs" and other things- stuff that you can identify like "I'm feeling this, so that probably means this is happening".

Good point. Should have thought of that before. I have tried to do this once or twice before but couldn't keep it up (this was before knowing of the existence of DID). Hard to start with it. Maybe just laziness, but maybe more. I have just started and I'll see whether there is anything behind the forgetting or not.

Currently, I'm feeling very stressed without reason - like I have to do an exam in an hour. Reminds me - I have never had 'performance anxiety' (?) but when the exams started it was so much I could hardly function well. And also stress seemingly out of nowhere. I wasn't afraid to fail, it was just the stress.
For me, music of Epica helps to relax. And "Within Temptation - Restless" (live) helps too (despite the name). The song shouldn't be triggering, but other parts of the live concert might, I don't know (it's symphonic metal / gothic metal like, so sometimes dark songs).

Ok, this thread is very off-topic anyway, so why care. I'll just post it here and try to keep the other a bit more on-topic. I hope that's OK.

I have read most of that webpage you posted. I have read much of what Rain posted in that "for all those who are wondering..." anyway (still have to read some triggering content, but I'll do that bit by bit). Which brings me to another point - the fact that some things trigger, well, seems to be another sign for DID/DDNOS I think.

And about Sandra - unfortunately she hasn't been very clear lately (I have tried a few times, I just keep trying I think), but she has been helpful at times (like saying to go to bed when it was late, or saying to breathe in and out when I had some chest pain. Very near the surface on the side, so nothing serious I think. I have it most often when stressed and/or tired, and I have it at least a few years already, popping up at random times but not very often luckily). Yes, she is very outspoken (not like I am) but unfortunately I seem to 'freeze' in therapy so for the time being she can't help me. I have sometimes tried to ask them, but that didn't really work.

Oh, and I start noticing more 'time loss'. Most often at times where it isn't noticeable, when I don't actually do things which I have to think about - like bicycling (bicycling is very normal in this country). I'll keep an eye on it.