"forced" to believe having DID?

I've had a strange thing happening to me last night. It seemed like I had to believe I had DID otherwise I got a flashback again (I nearly 'slipped away' a few times into darkness, but fought to get back to reality). The flashbacks/nightmares (or whatever it is) involve ** trigger warning** a monster/machine coming from the ceiling **end**

Before that, I felt like someone spoke to me in my head (had this till now not that explicit). It went like this (translated to English):
S: My name is Si. ** Trigger warning ** I have been raped and murdured! ** end **
A?: That's impossible! You can't be dead.
A: How old are you?
S: 13 (heard that more faintly)
A: Are you male or female?
S: (now hard to distinguish) female
A: Does your name come from the band or from the country)?
S: (couldn't really make something of it).
During this, I felt a bit different, just like another mindset/attitude, but not really like that. It's mainly that I felt different.

Still, this feels all made up. More like I have too long read about DID and 'wanted' to recognize the symptoms inside myself.

Has someone also had a similar experience, feeling to be forced to believe it but not able to accept it (as it doesn't seem real)?

I don't know how many times I've heard people ask "Have I just read too much about it? Am I doing this myself?"

The truth is, it takes A TON OF (CONSCIOUS) EFFORT to force yourself into believing you have DID and especially into believing and "causing/acting" the symptoms of DID. You'd basically have to do a lot of self-manipulation and I don't think you've done that. (Yes, I know that people can be affected subconsciously and that sh*t can happen that way, but it's not that easy when dealing with DID, especially if all people are doing are reading about it or something). Personally, I think that people often forget that while the brain can be manipulated, it greatly depends on the circumstances and what it's dealing with.

What you experienced seems to be your "first contact" with another part of you. And yes, alters can be "dead" (or at least believe themselves to be "dead". And I've heard of plenty of people having spirit alters because the alter "died").

(Just a note- You don't have to make triggers invisible. That's why there's warnings. Perhaps simply make them a light colored text like yellow or white because it took a couple times for me to realize I had to highlight where I thought there was text in order to see the actual text).

DID seems made up to everyone who has it at some point. Denial is extremely common and can be very strong in people with DID. Here's a couple threads of my own that deal with my own denial:

This one has anger and arguments and might be triggering, so read with caution:http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic97494.html

This one shouldn't be nearly as triggering, but still deals with denial: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98729.html


In my opinion, you haven't been "forced" to believe anything. This is actually happening to you, and it is real. Breathe deep, stay calm, and let it happen. It never feels real when the reality of it all starts showing itself. Many of us, just here on this site, have felt this way- we believe it's real but we can't accept it. You're definitely not alone, and it's very normal to feel this way, especially after what seems to be first real contact.

Thank you Cassandra. I will write more tomorrow and read the threads then too, because they are indeed triggering (I feel a lot tension inside me, so I guess they trigger) and it is VERY late for me now (I went out tonight and just came home). I want to sleep and not be plagued by nearly-nightmares/flashbacks again.

Just for when someone wants to read this, it's going to be a long post. I just want to write it down somewhere. I hope it is OK to write it here.

I understand that denial is very common, but I just wanted to make clear it was there...
I read your threads about denial. Whew! I couldn't imagine that denial could be SO strong. Now I'm at least prepared what well... might just happen (to me). That "forcing" was actually in a way like 'if you don't believe it, I will cause a flashback'. No wonder I had trouble sleeping! I had to keep myself in the present, and sleeping is very hard then. I read a few pages of a children's book. That seems to help .
I had a similar experience as with Si (I don't know how to spell that, maybe indeed the country). This time Sahara (also 13 years old and female, while I'm male, but that seems to be common).

Cassandra: good point about the trigger warnings. I have made it now white (thus hard to read, but still visible).

I guess someone wants to say something via lyrics:

Lacuna Coil - End of Time wrote:'Cause I belong to you
'Cause I am part of you
I am dying in your arms
It's time to go
I can make it through

And:

Lacuna Coil - End of Time wrote:I'm coming home again
And now I know where I belong
Reeling from my instincts
Cause I realize I'm not alone

(I actually had to look them up, because although the song is pretty easy to understand, even for me being non-native English, I somehow couldn't understand them).

And this was causing some tension too:

lifelongthing wrote:That is okay Shay. Sometimes communication can be very difficult. I've worked with kids like Carly and it's wonderful when they find what works for them so they can communicate. You've found something that works for you too - you write lyrics and beautiful originals.

Does that mean I have a mute somewhere (like Shay)?

Lacuna Coil - Against You wrote:I, I can't live this way
I cannot relate
I retaliate
Against you

Once again, I am the revolution that you cannot feel
The prize you cannot win
You stained my life and painted everything in black and blood
I'm not your portrait anymore

"I am the revolution that you cannot feel"?

** Trigger warning for quote: abuse **

Nightwish - The Poet and the Pendulum wrote:I'm afraid, so afraid, of being raped
Again and again and again
I know I will die alone, but loved
You live long enough to hear the sound of guns
Long enough to find yourself screaming every night
Live long enough to see your friends betray you
Years have I been strapped unto this altar
Now I only have three minutes and counting
I just wish the tide would catch me first
And give me the death
I always longed for.

These lyrics are meant poetically (it's actually about a divorce), but this fragment always/sometimes (? both) seems to trigger something. I really hope this doesn't apply to me...

Lacuna Coil - Fire wrote:Let the fire enter you
Let the anger start to brew
Let your instincts break the rules
Let it rise and rise in you

Well, this seems to be related to the "Against You" lyrics.

Music has always been very powerful in 'channeling' emotions/distraction/confusion ... dissociation?

Now about the diagnosis itself. This might be interesting for new people here. When it's indeed DID (or DDNOS), it could explain a lot of things:

• Why I have always had trouble concentrating (and nothing seemed to help).
• Why I found I can 'break through' some sort of barrier sometimes. When that happens, I get much more social, do things much more directly, can concentrate better, etc. but I'm then worse at actually doing things (maybe a missing autopilot? ) I call these sometimes 'masks'.
• I had one time what I can only explain by that I had a switch at that moment. I had an appointment to talk about my lag in some courses (I'm studying at a university). The whole day I was very confused, very 'away'. I have this very often, but then it was much worse than usual. I knew this was not good for that appointment. And when it was nearly time, I suddenly saw the world in a completely different way. At once I was very rational, nearly emotion-less. The confusion of before that wasn't completely away, but it was enough away that I could have a very 'rational' talk. And at that moment, I could less relate to my problems at other times. I have such things more often, but less distinct, and it's more like that I see afterwards "hey, wait, yay! I'm finally more open."
• Why I have all those bad dreams sometimes.
• Why I sometimes have all my children fears back (this is not funny!)
• Why I sometimes can't make choices, as I apparently at one side want one thing and not the other, and vice versa.
• Why I sometimes feel 'invisible' (this doesn't feel right!)
• Why I haven't enough memories about my childhood at home to know whether I missed years.
• Intrusive thoughts.
• I sometimes feel a bit emotional when hearing a certain song without knowing why.
• I sometimes feel very stressed without real cause.
• I practically haven't had a 'mental puberty'.
• When people talk about their hobbies, their lives, etc. I often feel 'empty' inside. I just wish I could fill that emptiness somehow, or better find back what was (?) there.

It's not that I'm now convinced (that will probably at least take a real official diagnosis), it is just that it seems much more 'near'. But I'm fine currently between accepting and rejecting. I hope my next appointment with my therapist will clear things up.

oaktree wrote:Just for when someone wants to read this, it's going to be a long post. I just want to write it down somewhere. I hope it is OK to write it here.

It's your thread so I'd hope it'd be ok to post it here.

oaktree wrote:I understand that denial is very common, but I just wanted to make clear it was there...
I read your threads about denial. Whew! I couldn't imagine that denial could be SO strong. Now I'm at least prepared what well... might just happen (to me). That "forcing" was actually in a way like 'if you don't believe it, I will cause a flashback'. No wonder I had trouble sleeping! I had to keep myself in the present, and sleeping is very hard then. I read a few pages of a children's book. That seems to help .
I had a similar experience as with Si (I don't know how to spell that, maybe indeed the country). This time Sahara (also 13 years old and female, while I'm male, but that seems to be common).

Yeah, it came as a blow to me realizing how strong it was/could be as well. I was the one always helping other people on here face and get over their denial. It wasn't supposed to happen to me, I'm supposed to be the one able to be like "No, I know I have DID, shut up doubts", like I advise other people to do, but...I guess I found out it's not so easy when you're in-the-moment... I don't think it helps that the denial voice might be an actual part/alter, so, yeah...that would make the denial even stronger and harder to deal with.
Good! You might've been calming a little inside you when you read that children's book.
Yeah, opposite-sex alters are often common, especially if they're replacing the role of someone in the family. Kat is a lot like my dad (but don't tell her that), and I think she replaced his role, and I think the only reason she's a female taking the dad's role is because I lost my mom, whereas my dad just wasn't a good dad. So Kat replaced both roles- mom's by being female, and dad's by, well, being dad.

oaktree wrote:Does that mean I have a mute somewhere (like Shay)?

You could, but it could simply mean that you have a part that prefers to express themselves through music and lyrics. It doesn't necessarily mean they're mute. I know in general my whole system loves music and how lyrics can speak the truth so well. So it might just be a preference to use lyrics and music. Luna, one of the female twins in my system, usually speaks through not only lyrics, but singing, as I found out recently. She stutters and is very quiet, withdrawn, doesn't say much, etc. But get her singing and wow- her stuttering's gone, her voice is loud and clear, and she will scream her lungs out to express herself through the song she's singing.

oaktree wrote:"I am the revolution that you cannot feel"?

Shay is nodding and pointing in my head at this quote, and the twins are nodding in agreement as well. They're saying that this quote, if used by them (and they thank you for sharing all the quotes), would be a call out to the host, letting them know there's more there that they're unaware of (that you cannot feel).

One of their favorite quotes is from the song "Hello" by Evanescence. (They're from two different versus).
"Hello,
I am your mind,
giving you someone to talk to,
Hello.
...
Hello,
I am the lie,
living for you so you can hide,
don't cry."

oaktree wrote:These lyrics are meant poetically (it's actually about a divorce), but this fragment always/sometimes (? both) seems to trigger something. I really hope this doesn't apply to me...

It might apply to you, the feelings might apply to you, it could apply in many different ways that don't necessarily mean that something similar like this happened to you, though it is a possibility. If it does apply to you, at least you know so that you can work on it in therapy. (Try to always find a silver lining, it helps tremendously).

oaktree wrote:Music has always been very powerful in 'channeling' emotions/distraction/confusion ... dissociation?

Yes, music is great like that. I doubt it provokes dissociation in the sense that it "helps" it, but it may trigger dissociation. I know that certain songs, I listen to them, and they'll trigger certain alters to either come "out" or "forward" at the very least. This can be helpful during crisis times when I need a certain alter out, or am searching for an alter, or something like that. (Of course, I try to not use negatively-triggering songs, but in an emergency, it's helpful to know what those songs are in case it comes down to that).

oaktree wrote:Now about the diagnosis itself. This might be interesting for new people here. When it's indeed DID (or DDNOS), it could explain a lot of things:

• Why I have always had trouble concentrating (and nothing seemed to help).
  Yep, I know about that.
  
• Why I found I can 'break through' some sort of barrier sometimes. When that happens, I get much more social, do things much more directly, can concentrate better, etc. but I'm then worse at actually doing things (maybe a missing autopilot? ) I call these sometimes 'masks'.
  
  It might not necessarily be an "autopilot". Autopilot is usually a last-ditch survival tactic used to get things done when they need to be done. Like for example, if I'm driving, and have a PTSD trigger, I can't always pull over safely and I can't exactly floor it to get away. Autopilot helps me to get me to where I'm going and drive safely. I literally can only breathe, blink, and think about what I'm currently doing at that moment/what I need to do when Autopilot takes over. Like the driving example, the only thought I'll have the whole time repeating is "Drive home. Drive home." or wherever I'm supposed to be going. What might be actually happening is that at those times when things seem to be worse is-
  a) Your system might not be working as well as a team. I know when my system works well together as a team, I'm much more functional and everything seems easier.
  b) You might have different alters "near" that affect you, how you do things, etc.
  c) You might be pushing your alters further away from you so you don't have distractions, or they might be retreating from you, in order to help you function better.
  
  
• I had one time what I can only explain by that I had a switch at that moment. I had an appointment to talk about my lag in some courses (I'm studying at a university). The whole day I was very confused, very 'away'. I have this very often, but then it was much worse than usual. I knew this was not good for that appointment. And when it was nearly time, I suddenly saw the world in a completely different way. At once I was very rational, nearly emotion-less. The confusion of before that wasn't completely away, but it was enough away that I could have a very 'rational' talk. And at that moment, I could less relate to my problems at other times. I have such things more often, but less distinct, and it's more like that I see afterwards "hey, wait, yay! I'm finally more open."
  
  Yes, that's definitely a very possible switch. I've experienced similar situations many, many times. This type of switching is actually most common in people who are more co-conscious, because it's easier for the alters to sort of act through the host instead of forcing themselves out in front of the host in order to take care of situations.
  
  
• Why I have all those bad dreams sometimes.
  
  Yup.
  
  
• Why I sometimes have all my children fears back (this is not funny!)
  
  Big yup! This is usually a sign of a little part/alter. Definitely "mother" yourself when this happens, and be gentle with yourself.
  
  
• Why I sometimes can't make choices, as I apparently at one side want one thing and not the other, and vice versa.
  
  On what I call a "noisy" day, it can sometimes take me 2 hours just to get dressed! I'll put on a shirt, someone won't like it and will take it off, I'll listen to arguments in my head about what I should and shouldn't wear, stuff like that. It's actually kinda amusing...when I don't have a time limit/plans.
  
  
• Why I sometimes feel 'invisible' (this doesn't feel right!)
  
  Felt this way before, too. Sometimes it's just me, other times I've come to realize it's because an alter wants to be known/seen and yet doesn't feel acknowledged or something. Strong feelings can often affect others in the system, including the host, instead of just "staying" with the alter that's feeling them.
  
  
• Why I haven't enough memories about my childhood at home to know whether I missed years.
  
  DID/DDNOS could definitely explain this.
  
  
• Intrusive thoughts.
  
  YES! ALL THE TIME! Yeah, 'cause I'm sooo intrusive.
  kat you wrote the book on intrussion! i think... Yes, I do believe that you are one of the more intrusive ones in here. Oh, shut up. Smart@$$es.
  
  
• I sometimes feel a bit emotional when hearing a certain song without knowing why.
  
  Yup, I've had that too.
  
  
• I sometimes feel very stressed without real cause.
  
  This can get SO ANNOYING! It seems to happen to me almost all the time. But that's where communication and teamwork helps.
  
  
• I practically haven't had a 'mental puberty'.
  
  Not sure what you mean by this, but if you mean in the sense of maturing mentally, I think I have. Cassie is just as 8 yrs old as she can get, though! And Rain's way more matured mentally than I am. What am I, chopped liver? I don't know if you're more mature, so much as...stronger and possibly more intelligent at times. Slightly?! Ha ha ha. Very funny. F*#kin' punk @$$ kid. Oh please, you're only 3 years older than me. That's still 3 years of seniority, so respect your f*#kin elders like you're supposed to, young-in. Whatever. ANYWAY...
  
  
• When people talk about their hobbies, their lives, etc. I often feel 'empty' inside. I just wish I could fill that emptiness somehow, or better find back what was (?) there.
  
  I used to feel this way. Sometimes I still do. Most of the times though I feel like I'm overflowing with all the things all my alters like and dislike and want and do/want to do for hobbies and such... I usually end up wishing I had more time to let them do more.

It's not that I'm now convinced (that will probably at least take a real official diagnosis), it is just that it seems much more 'near'. But I'm fine currently between accepting and rejecting. I hope my next appointment with my therapist will clear things up.

You're definitely more "near"! And it's ok to not be convinced. It's a good idea to keep an open mind until you get a final diagnosis. I'm just glad that you've been finding helpful information and possible explanations here.

For the sake of brevity, I'm going to assume it's indeed DID (and let away all those 'what might be an alter' etc.), although that assumption feels very wrong (denial? Well, I just want to keep an open mind... and it all feels so weird...)

tomboy24 wrote:Good! You might've been calming a little inside you when you read that children's book.

I was suspecting this longer. One time, I could handle the emotion by talking to that child (?), asking it to come 'near' me, and just saying it's all over, nothing horrible is happening etc. That time, the fear went away completely, so it helped tremendously.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:"I am the revolution that you cannot feel"?

Shay is nodding and pointing in my head at this quote, and the twins are nodding in agreement as well. They're saying that this quote, if used by them (and they thank you for sharing all the quotes), would be a call out to the host, letting them know there's more there that they're unaware of (that you cannot feel).

I often feel much more emotion with music that relates to things like this. For example, many songs of Sirenia relate to "human existence, emotion, and mental states". (source)
For example:

Sirenia - Coming Down wrote:Voices speaking to my mind
From afar
From distant times
They speak to me about my life
Of years to come
With loss and strife

It isn't hard to see why someone with DID might recognize this feeling .
I often listen to music of Sirenia. Or rather, when I want to listen to music I get this 'suggested'.

Another thing that really got my interest is the book "King of Swords" by Monika Felten (as far as I just saw, it hasn't been translated to English). It is a fantasy book about someone who had a lot strange things happening to her (for example, writing things in a style that is very foreign to her and that she can't remember doing), gets very confused inside her head, and is somehow influenced to go to a certain place and just before she goes to there she 'switches' to another personality (which is really a different person of which the body is dead, only the spirit or whatever survives). The internal struggle to 'drive' the body is clearly shown. It somehow said a lot to me (although I didn't suspect anything at that moment). I could very easy imagine the internal struggle and the wanting to control the body. It gets very creepy to the end, because more and more people are taken over in a similar way (and can't be recovered). I gave this book to my mother and she didn't like it at all. Very creepy and not very original. Now I probably know why it interested me so much (not much later, or maybe even at the same time, I struggled with intrusive thought that seemed to want to take me over, but I didn't see the connection between the book and the thoughts then).
Note: I would give a trigger warning for this book.

tomboy24 wrote:One of their favorite quotes is from the song "Hello" by Evanescence. (They're from two different versus).
"Hello,
I am your mind,
giving you someone to talk to,
Hello.
...
Hello,
I am the lie,
living for you so you can hide,
don't cry."

I actually like Evanescence too! Well, maybe not like, but the songs are very powerful to me. I somewhere read that the song Whisper seemed to be about dissociation (with a quote of the first four lines). And when I listened to it, it indeed somehow really strongly resonated within me. I have often imaginatively said things to other people like "Do you know how I feel? Well, listen to Whisper of Evanescence. That's how I often feel". Also Imaginary and, indeed, to a lesser degree, Hello and Tourniquet too (about the last: what were those intrusive thoughts about?). Here is a blog post explaining/interpreting Evanescence songs in a DID way.

Evanescence - Whisper wrote:I'm frightened by what I see
But somehow I know
That there's much more to come
Immobilized by my fear
And soon to be
Blinded by tears

What about those "nightmares" that I try to prevent? I know 'there is much more to come'...

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:These lyrics are meant poetically (it's actually about a divorce), but this fragment always/sometimes (? both) seems to trigger something. I really hope this doesn't apply to me...

It might apply to you, the feelings might apply to you, it could apply in many different ways that don't necessarily mean that something similar like this happened to you, though it is a possibility. If it does apply to you, at least you know so that you can work on it in therapy. (Try to always find a silver lining, it helps tremendously).

I won't assume those things unless I have better 'proof' for that. Actually, whether that happened or not, doesn't seem to really do anything to me emotionally.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:Music has always been very powerful in 'channeling' emotions/distraction/confusion ... dissociation?

Yes, music is great like that. I doubt it provokes dissociation in the sense that it "helps" it, but it may trigger dissociation. I know that certain songs, I listen to them, and they'll trigger certain alters to either come "out" or "forward" at the very least. This can be helpful during crisis times when I need a certain alter out, or am searching for an alter, or something like that. (Of course, I try to not use negatively-triggering songs, but in an emergency, it's helpful to know what those songs are in case it comes down to that).

I meant that it helped channeling what might be dissociating, in a way that I felt much more stable. Maybe a little dissociated, but at least stable.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:Now about the diagnosis itself. This might be interesting for new people here. When it's indeed DID (or DDNOS), it could explain a lot of things:

• Why I found I can 'break through' some sort of barrier sometimes. When that happens, I get much more social, do things much more directly, can concentrate better, etc. but I'm then worse at actually doing things (maybe a missing autopilot? ) I call these sometimes 'masks'.
  
  It might not necessarily be an "autopilot". Autopilot is usually a last-ditch survival tactic used to get things done when they need to be done. Like for example, if I'm driving, and have a PTSD trigger, I can't always pull over safely and I can't exactly floor it to get away. Autopilot helps me to get me to where I'm going and drive safely. I literally can only breathe, blink, and think about what I'm currently doing at that moment/what I need to do when Autopilot takes over. Like the driving example, the only thought I'll have the whole time repeating is "Drive home. Drive home." or wherever I'm supposed to be going. What might be actually happening is that at those times when things seem to be worse is-
  a) Your system might not be working as well as a team. I know when my system works well together as a team, I'm much more functional and everything seems easier.
  b) You might have different alters "near" that affect you, how you do things, etc.
  c) You might be pushing your alters further away from you so you don't have distractions, or they might be retreating from you, in order to help you function better.

I meant something like this: when I go to bed, I usually have my normal routine and don't think much about it. But that moment, when wanting to start my routine, I actually didn't do anything. I had to consciously decide to first do A, then B, then C etc. I was somehow missing doing that without thinking about it. It felt a bit weird, as if something was 'disconnected' in my mind. One time I know that I had once consumed alcohol, but another time not if I remember correctly. That might explain it too (I don't usually drink alcohol).

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:

• Why I sometimes have all my children fears back (this is not funny!)

Big yup! This is usually a sign of a little part/alter. Definitely "mother" yourself when this happens, and be gentle with yourself.

Like reading a children's book (and 'pronouncing' it more clearly in my head). Yes. It helps really well, indeed. It seemed like that part was really scared.

tomboy24 wrote:

oaktree wrote:

• I practically haven't had a 'mental puberty'.
  
  Not sure what you mean by this, but if you mean in the sense of maturing mentally, I think I have. Cassie is just as 8 yrs old as she can get, though! And Rain's way more matured mentally than I am. What am I, chopped liver? I don't know if you're more mature, so much as...stronger and possibly more intelligent at times. Slightly?! Ha ha ha. Very funny. F*#kin' punk @$$ kid. Oh please, you're only 3 years older than me. That's still 3 years of seniority, so respect your f*#kin elders like you're supposed to, young-in. Whatever. ANYWAY...

I didn't know how to call that. I mean, puberty is usually, say, in the body and in the mind. They may not be precisely at the same time, but do happen around the same time. With the puberty in the mind I mean things like when children want to do things their own way, don't want to listen to their parents, actually go against them, try a lot new things, get in love easily etc. I haven't had all those 'mental' things. I was more-or-less a transition from being a child to being more like an adult. But I didn't really develop that way emotionally, I think. I'm still lagging behind partly or miss experience.

tomboy24 wrote:You're definitely more "near"! And it's ok to not be convinced. It's a good idea to keep an open mind until you get a final diagnosis. I'm just glad that you've been finding helpful information and possible explanations here.

Yes, you (all of you) were a great help for me. And yes, I will keep an open mind. Thank you.

I got lead to this thread and there's a voice saying stuff I should type.

Here's what the voice is saying: "Sorry for not replying. I think I understand what you mean about the mental puberty thing now. I think Rebel and now Kyra-" Hey! That's me! "Keep typing, please. I think Rebel and Kyra, as well as possibly L.C. and Luna, are the parts from when I was supposed to through mental puberty, but because I didn't really go through it, I didn't have anything to grow out of, and because they didn't grow with the body, they didn't grow out of anything either. So it's just sort of compartmentalized with those parts that hold that type of stuff. Maybe, I think. It makes sense, but then again, there's always more than one possibility."

I guess that's all "I" had to say.

~Kyra (13 yr old)

Kyra: I'm going to assume the voice is called Cassandra. Thank you for typing what she said.

Cassandra (you are Cassandra, right?), I think that's indeed the case. I just wasn't able to 'grow up' during that time. Considering I don't know much of those years (it's like a black hole mostly, with only a few important memories), maybe I was dissociated that whole time without knowing it? My sister was like completely the opposite, a bit rebellious I would say. We can't get along very well.

I actually found out that my diagnosis of long ago says that I was traumatized as a child because of the (verbal/emotional, not physical) fights of my parents. When I got older, they were also directed at me (by my father). My mother has always been very cold. I don't remember much of it now, mainly the fact that it happened and that it happened often. It still happens sometimes, but I have 'detached' somehow, I just don't let him hurt me emotionally. I actually often go against it, which may be better than just accepting it and keeping the rage that's still inside me. And when he has been angry he can just go on about something else as if nothing happened. Talking about impaired attachment... He mostly doesn't acknowledge that he's angry. He is just 'telling things'. But he didn't acknowledge it hurt very deeply.
Ni even doesn't want to talk in my mother tongue because it is 'spoiled'. San doesn't want to acknowledge that my parents are hers too. But I'm not entirely sure about those last two, but I'm not surprised either if/when that would be true.

EDIT: This was a bit of a rant I think.