What was it like when you first realized? **Triggery**

I'm very confused and conflicted here...this is going to be long, so I apologize in advance! I know you guys aren't doctors, but I'm terrified of talking to my T about this. I guess I'd kind of like some opinions on whether or not I might have DID, if it's worth talking to my T about. Confirmation I guess is what I'm looking for. I'd like to know too what it was like when everyone first realized they might have DID. Was it this confusing for you too or is there something else wrong with me?

I've had some repressed memories surface from my childhood that I had no idea existed. My T told me it was disassociation that I couldn't remember anything and was completely unaware. I knew she ment D amnesia, but never once considered DID bc, well, I'm not Sybill. After accidentally reading about DID I realized that it wasn't like Sybill at all and that I related to it so much more than I ever thought possible. After reading this forum it's almost like putting a puzzle of my life together!

I'll be 27 next month and I cant remember most of my life. I don't remember getting married, christmas, anything important. All I 'remember' is what I have pictures for. When I go back to those memories, I see the pictures I have, not the memory. When I do remember a memory, it's usually very vague or fuzzy. Also, I was 23 for 3 years (when I was 22,23,24), I was 26 for 2 years (25,26) and I've already been 27 for the last 6-9 months. Not sure if this matters?

My memory is horrible. 4 years ago my family doctor once compared me to an alzheimer patient. Just last night my husband said our sons birthday is this Tuesday. I could have sworn I had another week or 2 before his birthday? I'll swear it's Tuesday, when it's actually Thursday. He swears we have done things like watched movies together and talk about things that I have no memory of. Sometimes I vaguely remember things, but can't remember if they happened yesterday, last week, or last month. I have very little concept of time. I get lost in convos and 'zone out' a lot too.

As for personalities. I always referred to it as I just have an ability to adjust to any situation. I have a very outgoing me that comes out in some social situations. I have what I told my husband I feel like a neglected 5 year old...I didn't tell him I feel like a neglected 5 year old boy. I have one that is a complete neat freak very OCD and focued. I have one that I call my autopilot that gets me through daily responsibilities like laundry. I have one that has a very authoritative, don't F with me, attitude with the mouth of a trucker. I don't use profanity. Theres the more sexy one likes black clothes, does her hair and make up. It never occurred to me that having conversations with yourself wasn't normal...especially when I talk back I refer to me not as "I" but as "YOU"...and that "I" have a different tone of voice as I do. Since I was little, and even now, I occasionally notice myself with a slight accent...theres 2 different kinds I've had. I'm aware of it but unsure as to why and have no control over it.

When I was in high school people I either didn't know, or vaguely looked familiar would insist they met me and could have sworn I told them my name was either Stephanie or Nicole. Since as far as I can remember I've always hated my name, and I still do. Sometimes I'm ok with it though. I always tried to convince my mom to change it to Stephanie...it was supposed to be my name when I was born, but I didn't know about it until high school. I also hate looking at myself in the mirror. I see my reflection, but I feel so disconnected to it...I don't feel like I'm looking at myself at all.

I have about 5 different styles of clothes in my closet to fit my "moods" as I put it. Theres high fashion, beachy, hippy, casual, punk/rocker. It's so frustrating having a closet full of clothes that are so different it's almost unfunctionable. And shopping takes FOREVER! I always feel taken over when I shop, even for groceries. And I never understood why I couldn't ever answer questions about myself such as favorite color....I have 3 answers, I can't give just one. When I was little, my answer was always rainbow, bc all colors were my favorite...even though they weren't.

I'm sure theres a lot more, but the point is, this has been going on my whole life. Does it sound like DID? I'm so afraid to bring it up to my T. Was anyones experiences like mine where it makes a ton of sense but you were just unsure about the alters? I feel like that maybe it's just been so normal for my whole life that I've just 'blocked' it out in a way to protect myself from knowing, and remain 'myself' as much as possible in the eyes of others. I'm such a people pleaser, always have been, it would make a lot of sense that if I am a 'we' that we would hide it as much as possible.

I think if I am DID, I am primarily co-consious, just at different degrees at different times. I'm aware, but it's like an internal drive behind the wheel. A dizzy disconnected feeling from my body...and sometimes I just 'feel' like a different person. IDK, It's hard to explain. If I do have alters, wouldn't I be more aware of them now that I think DID makes a lot of sense? Someone please tell me I'm not crazy lol

Confusing is an understatement, but one day it becomes liberating. Embracing your circle and knowing yourselves is a wonderful thing. Multiples are creative, resilient, awesome people. Once the shock tapers off, at least in our case, we feel lucky to share a body with so many groovy people, and the issues of sharing a life are only minor nuisances.

We had an odd-ball route to discovery in junior high. Our then-front runner, Jade, stumbled across an online text-based role playing game. You could see the appeal of the roleplaying for a girl with other people in her head. Her experience was that she had a misbehaving character. This was me, Lola, the Warrior Empress with a dragon in tow. I was everything Jade wasn't, boisterous, confident, flirtatious, somewhat devilish, and I exercise my tongue when Jade would silence hers. I am a mouthy bitch and the occasional tussle of words gives me a laugh. To say I freaked her out is putting it lightly, and boy, did she freak when I started talking to her inside the body, instead of through her on the game. She was even more alarmed when I started talking to people at her church, flirting with the altar boys. I once caught her thinking "oh my, am I playing Lola for real?" 

 Back to the game, I was addicted. For once I was myself, not this lanky, clumsy Asian girl who looked nothing like me and had the wrong name. I became involved with this boy's character, but we talked off-game also. I told him about some traumatic event, and heard Jade say to herself "Next confession I must answer I am a compulsive liar on the Internet." She had no memory of it, because that night was my domain.

Jade wrestled with me for the next six months or so. Jade would shop and I would say, "Smaller size, we lost 15 pounds" so the poor girl would freak out, run home, and see it was true. She started noticing "lapses". She'd be tired and overwhelmed on a project, fall asleep, and I would get it done. Sexual situations? She'd float off and "play Lola" and not remember it. We argued over free time, outfits, snacks, homework, money.

Our brother, Sam, gave her a book on DID/MPD but Jade thought it was "boring" and didn't remember it. Hint hint! She had a job, church responsibilities, volunteering, but I made damn sure she felt compelled to play the game many nights. One day, she had a horrible idea. She decided "Lola is my character and I am in control and I will kill her, darn it!"

She had it with all the memory problems and the headaches, so she killed me. A few things happened after that. First, she experienced silence. I was pissed and did not talk to her, but I started hearing and speaking directly to other people on a regular basis. I heard chatter before, almost like eavesdropping, so I pursued it. I called out internally. I wrote notes externally. And I got answers. I met Linn and told her about the game. She told me about Ell. Suddenly the school friends who said I was so "other worldly" and "creative" made sense- that was Linn. And the top marks in music and writing where from Ell. And both saw me and were basically like, "Oh, she is the noisy social one that the boys always are referencing in conversation." Outside the head, Jade couldn't cope at work where I used to help her, the speaking to groups and computer programming bits. She couldn't relate to the friend from the game anymore. I mean, he was my boyfriend not hers, so that was natural. Last, a new character popped up on our account, and her name was Faylinn. Jade decided to let this play out, and soon, Linn was out of control. She was open hearted and loving. She was, well, not a featherhead, but she was on another plane. She was bisexual. And she fell in love with a friend of Jade's, when Jade had no intention of it happening. Jade told us later how scared she was at feeling the love, finding poems and drawings of the pair, Linn and Travis, Travis and Linn; finding CDs which expressed the glorious love they shared- the searching, hungry, deep love of hormonal fairy in a human form.

It all came to a head when Jade was at some church dinner function with Linn's lover. I was stalking this evening behind them, and we heard Linn notice who he was. Then- wham. Jade was across the room, complete body displacement, and Linn was up front, chatting up a storm and leaning over the table, giggling and happier than ever. Even Jade who is awesome at denial had to notice that. 

She got a therapist. We realized, as a group, it wasn't normal to have these scraps of memory; to have your possessions accumuliate unknowingly; to have your room littered with Lego and knitting and poetry - when you don't write, knit, or like Lego; that people actually do remember buying the clothes in the closet; that "time flies" doesn't mean everyone's Saturday becomes Tuesday with no days in the middle, and that "Where did all my money go?" is more frivolous spending than our case, where the $40 become $20 when I didn't leave the house except I must have because now there are chalk pastels on the shelf, and healing crystals.

It really does become less alarming! The trauma memory swaps are intense and brutal, but at the end of the day, you always have a crowd there to help out. You arent crazy, but you might feel like it some time to time. Getting to know each other takes a while, just like it does with people outside. Some might be shy, defensive, in denial, frightened, antisocial, too far away, or have their own agenda that makes them hesitant to step forward to you. Open communication comes eventually. Hope this helps a bit. Welcome to the group! ~ Lola

Thank you Lola! That was a very interesting story! Very insightful, just what I was looking for! Ive had some of the experiences you spoke of as well! The story about the game sounds very familiar...sadly, I'm just not sure why. I feel like I've had something similar happen in the past but I can't remember lol. I'm very comforted in knowing that it is possible to be aware yet unaware of their existence at the same time. That was what really had me unsure if DID fit, so it's a huge relief that it is normal!

I've talked to them a lot, mostly in my head. I learned real quick when I was about 5 that we don't talk to our "consciences" (as my mom put it) out loud. Through the years I've been caught many times and its very embarrassing! Most of the time I was even unaware I was doing this or what we were even talking about! Lol

They always have something to say but as soon as I realize it or try to communicate with them, I swear it feels like they get scared, slam a door in my face and the room is empty! It's so odd...it makes me feel a bit sad and abandoned...and kind of offended they don't want to talk to me. I suppose part of the problem could be that I'm still confused, still unsure if they exist or worried if I'm for some reason making this up? I can't imagine I would.

I am very scared too...of them somewhat, but mostly any more memories that might surface. I didnt handle my new memories very well last week....and I feel like I'm being given 'baby steps' into the memories too if that makes sense. The others are a huge influence in my life, they always have been, I'm just sad I never opened up more to them. I spent more time trying to focus on being and appearing 'normal' I guess I lost touch with us in the process.

Between finding out about my husbands 2 affairs the last 2 weeks, the resurfaced memories, and the realization of DID fitting me completely, it's a lot to take in and process at one time. I've already begun disassociating with his affairs...I told him today not to let me forget about it (as much as he wants me to) because its only a matter of time before I believe I'll completely forget. I never realized I did that...it's scary to know I do.

Again, thank you for your story it was very comforting and helpful!

I, myself, began as an "imaginary friend". I laugh at this term now. But B, as a child, treated me as an internal sister and friend, and insisted on treating me also like an external imaginary friend when I wasn't taking place of her during abuse. Her parents thought nothing of her asking for another place set at the dinner table, or her playing by herself in her room with two sets of dolls.

B cannot remember most of her childhood because of the trauma she--rather, we--endured. She split many times. But she began to realize something was "wrong" when she was 13. She thought she blinked, but she went from her morning class of Biology to the end of the school day, and all of her friends had abandoned her.

I remember that day. I don't know what had her feeling so much anxiety--something brought up in class--but I forced my way out and into control. And her friends recognized something was different almost immediately. Throughout the day, I had to go through her pathetic little friends asking me, over and over, what was wrong, why I was so angry, what they did. And I finally exploded.

They weren't used to their sweet little B being so outspoken and foul-mouthed, not to mention not a pushover, and they could not handle it. So they ditched her. At least I aced all of her tests for her that day (it was a Friday).

And then B freaked out. The voices in her head she had dismissed as maybe "pretend" thoughts, or "runaway" thoughts, she realized were something else altogether. She had read about DID before. And it terrified her. I, in particular, talked to her. I introduced myself. And she blocked us out.

She talked to her friend about it. He was strangely receptive to the idea. And then revealed he, too, had been living with DID for years.

Too bad it turned out to be a lie.

She found this out a year later, and she split again.

Years later, we have worked through our issues, for the most part. It's all about inner communication. It gets hard sometimes, but keep trying to reach them. Just let them know you're not out to get them, but that you want to work with them.

Wow, thank you for that Mae! Happy upcoming birthday too btw! My sons birthday is Tuesday...I feel terrible bc I could have sworn I had another week or two to plan :/

I can't comment much on my childhood bc I really don't remember much of it. I do remember talking to myself a lot in my head though. I've always been in my own little world in my head talking to my "friends" which I thought was just me talking back to myself. I vaguely remember avoiding the "imaginary friend" thing though. I was always a people pleaser. If I felt something would get me in trouble, be laughed at, judged, disappoint someone or hurt me mentally, emotionally, or physically, I avoided it at all costs. I can't handle the terrible emotions I feel that come with all of that. I'm still like that...I think?

I realized something was wrong when I was somewhere between 7-8. I would wake up with no memory of who I was, where I was, who my parents were, where I lived even when I woke up in my own bed. It was terrifying! Sometimes it took a few mins to an hour to remember my name, my parents, and that I was in my own bed! It wasn't until last week when I accidentally read about DID that all the pieces fell into place and made sense! I feel like Bruce Willis at the end of The Sixth Sense lol! It's a good thing tho!

So I have to ask, what made you introduce yourself to her? Did you just feel like she was ready, or were you just ready? What do you think made her block you out? I ask bc I wonder if maybe we all don't feel quite ready yet. I'm also unsure if they are blocking me, or if I'm blocking them. They're there, I feel them, I've heard them....until I acknowledge them and try to communicate, then the room is empty...like they all ran away to hide

Poor B and her crappy friend I feel so bad for her to confide in him and he does her like that! I fear people's reaction too...not that I intend on telling the world, but I really feel like I need to talk about this to someone! This is where we would come in handy. I have no friends. I'm definitely not out to get them or make them go away. I just want to know them and understand them so we can all work together!

Thank you for the birthday wishes.

Hello, dear! This is Nymph speaking now. I believe Mae felt B needed to know because B was so keen on denial at that point, and that the voices were just her own thoughts taking their own courses somehow, and that her imaginary friends were somehow lingering past the age she should have grown out of them (though she would never admit to having imaginary friends, of course, the poor child!), and so Mae felt she had to introduce herself, once and for all! Of course, she also had to explain that there were nine of us in total, as well. And that her name was not Tori.

Not all people you tell will be out to harm your system, dear. In our experience, only that one was a rotten apple, and since then he has come around and we have forgiven him and he is now one of our good friends. Most people are supportive, if you can gauge who will be receptive to something like this. Just be cautious, and explain in little bits, spoon-fed, and things will go well, dear! Hugs!

Thank you for your insight Nymph! I can understand B's denial for sure. I never realized until now how much denial I really had...not just with this, but everything. I think I also blocked them out. Not completely, but enough for me to convince myself that I was just talking to myself and not others in my head. It was when I kept taking out loud the embarrassment always hit me so hard. I still do it without realizing it!

I remember having a specific conversation with one of them shortly after I found out about my husbands affair. That one wasn't very nice though, I think that's why I remember it so clearly. The other voice kept referring to me as "You", so I knew it wasn't 'me', but I didn't care at the time bc I needed someone to talk to...so I went with it. She was mean though. I always referred to her as the devil on my right shoulder...she's more of the depressed bad girl type and has a slightly deeper voice than I do. The one on my left has a higher pitched voice and is the more rational one like me. That's where a lot of our arguments come from. I'm always torn in 3 different directions! I know theres more of us, but I think they are the main 2. Decisions are usually in 3s if that makes sense!

I'm so glad things ended up working out well with your friend! Maybe he thought it would make her feel better if she knew she wasn't the only one? I could imagine how scary it must have been for her at that age! I'm 27 and I'm scared! I don't plan on this going beyond my husband and my T and maybe my cousin. When I asked my husband about my 'mood swings' he said, "they're terrible, you're wonderful one minute and out of no where your horrible! you change into a completely different person within seconds!" That was the answer I was looking for so that's when I approached him with DID and he completely agreed it fit. Now, he's not sure, which makes me unsure. It's confusing!

When I was dead, after Jade killed me on the game, and before I met Linn, I heard these voices. They were coming from inside but they were not my thoughts. I felt the empty spaces in my life, and these spaces had names and voices separate from me. Sometimes its difficult to separate from my own voice. When I didnt listen for them, it just seemed like me, but not me, if that makes sense. It was detective work, looking at the life and seeing what was not me. The journals that were mine but not mine, that talked about being multiple; the poetry that I would never write that spoke of memories and the biologically family I did not know myself, but it all sounded reasonable enough. I wasn't around as a kid, but in junior high, I met the "parents" for the first time, and it was scary! Who are these people and why can't I remember them? We don't have one specific, possibly original host in our family, so revealing ourselves had fewer limitations. Perhaps they don't think you are ready, or they have other reasons for pulling back and shutting the door. When I came to the full realization of being multiple, I was so angry. I wanted to do things, to be this great lawyer and activist, but I couldn't do that with a whole cast of unhappy people inside my head. It's tough. I thought I knew who I was, but the world saw me as someone else, or several other selves. I know that Ell did not reveal herself to anyone but Linn for years, because Linn is very generous, and loving- she accepts people as they are and that is crucial when dealing with people like the Ells. And that was good, because I cant say how much i would have flipped out to know there was a homicidal temple priestess inside. But now I look to Ell as a strong, but damaged and enigmatic, woman. We protect ourselves and eachother, especially when we first meet. So my best advice is to be aware, to be receptive, to be patient, to inquire, and to accept what information you receive. You're in the rough of it now, but it won't be like this forever. I am sorry to hear about your marital qualms, also. That's a huge stressor. -Lola

I felt the empty spaces in my life, and these spaces had names and voices separate from me. Sometimes its difficult to separate from my own voice. When I didnt listen for them, it just seemed like me, but not me, if that makes sense.

Thank you so much for this! It makes perfect sense to me, this is how it is for me too. This is one of the answers I was really looking for and its a huge load off of my chest! I've been so alone my whole life, IDK, I guess I thought maybe I had 'adjusted' in a way that I could converse with myself to make it seem like I wasn't alone? I convinced myself 'they' were just 'me'. My parents moved us to BFE Ohio when I was 6...they divorced when I was 10 but my mom was quite neglectful and we were kept away from people our whole lives. I picked up and moved to Florida with my friends cousin who I only met once (deff NOT me!!!) and got married a few months after. He has also kept me from people, thats why I have no friends. I thrive for socialization, but I have no idea how to do it even if he didn't keep me around people. He swears he doesn't do that, but that's been my perspective...maybe it's the DID why I see it that way? Thats why my outgoing me comes out sometimes when I am in a social situation....I can't do it.

Is this normal? I've never been able to sleep. Even when I'm sleeping I'm thinking...the constant talking and chatter always made it so hard to fall asleep, and when I did the talking didn't stop until 4-5 in the morning. I could go to bed at 8pm and sleep till noon the next day and still be exhuasted from the all night chatter...it sounds like a radio or tv on in another room...I can hear the chatter, but can't make out what's being said. Sometimes it's 2 or 3, sometimes it sounds like a whole party room full! I always assumed I had some weird sleeping disorder, or I was ADD, but I really blamed it on the paranormal lol. Not too sure why I thought that was any better! LOL! Now, I wonder if my alts were just insomniacs!

Perhaps they don't think you are ready, or they have other reasons for pulling back and shutting the door.

I agree with you. I feel like we're all pulling back. I don't want to, I try to communicate, but I feel like I might be still blocking them just out of habit, if that makes sense. I do feel that they run from me though. I do read tarot cards too, so I've tried to communicate with them, or find insight, through my cards. It's uncanny the cards that come up for my questions! My cards did say they want to communicate, but they're not sure if they can trust me just yet. My husband, they're still iffy on whether or not to trust him too. They definitely don't trust my T at all! I'm not sure why, I like her.

When I came to the full realization of being multiple, I was so angry. I wanted to do things, to be this great lawyer and activist, but I couldn't do that with a whole cast of unhappy people inside my head. It's tough. I thought I knew who I was, but the world saw me as someone else, or several other selves.

I'm not angry at the idea of being a multiple. I am a bit scared and unsure, but mostly confused. I'm also excited too because this is the first time my life and myself has ever made any sense to me at all! I feel like I've finally found myself...or I am beginning to, anyway! I've never known who I was, I've never known anything about me because I change so much. I've always felt I was going through one never ending identity crisis since I was 5, like a moody confused teenager. I still can't figure out what to do for college because I'm constantly wanting to do 3 things at once...since that's impossible to do and I can't pick just one, I do nothing. Their influences seem to interfere so much in my life.

My marital issues suck. I think it's what triggered all of this...but I'm not sure why? Why now?

Though this does not answer your question exactly, I thought you might find another system's "timeline" of awareness and progress interesting. Perhaps you can connect with it on some level as well. I must warn you, however, that this may be triggering. There are mentions (though no truly in-depth detail) of family death, conflicts within our system, self-harm, (romantic) relationships, and rape. However, it is all mentioned to help make the timeline understandable and to help explain more about us/our system, including how it "came to be". (I must admit, this is an older post that I am copying and pasting, because while I wish to respond to this thread, I am currently restricted by a time limit. Still, I hope you find this to be an interesting read, if it is not too long).
I apologize in advance for the long reply. A list form allows me to organize thoughts better, and I tend to "over" explain things. Overall, this is Cassandra's "timeline", though we understand it may not be the "full picture" yet, the only changes that we should discover within it are where "recently discovered" alters "fit" in this timeline:

*May Trigger*

--Ages 1-7: Kat's voice.
Cassandra has heard Kat's voice for as long as she can remember. When they were both young, though, Kat went by her original name of "Katherine". She was Cassandra's much-desired older sister, she was an "imaginary" friend, she was a protector, and she gave comfort and advice to Cassandra.

--Age 8: Cassie starts to split. Cassandra is unaware.
When Cassandra was 8, our parents went through a messy separation that came very close to ending in a messy divorce. This cause the unmet childish needs of Cassandra to begin to "split" into Cassie, but she did not yet become fully separate. If Cassandra was a piece of paper, Cassie had only started to "rip away" from her, leaving the "paper" only half-ripped. Kat's voice is still the only known one at this time.

--Age 10: Cassie and Ray appear. Cassandra is still unaware.
When Cassandra was 10, our mother died a very painful death that we were witness to. This caused Cassie to finish her initial split from Cassandra, and she "goes back" to being 8 years old. Ray is also split from Cassandra here, reverting to primal/animalistic instincts and reactions under stress and in frightening environments/situations. However, Cassandra is still only aware of Kat's voice.

--Ages 11-12: Kat encounters "Hannibal". Cassandra is unaware.
When Cassandra was 11-12 yrs old, (Kat being 14-15), Kat encounters an alter we call "Hannibal" for the first time that she can remember. "Hannibal" begins to abuse, torture, "train", and manipulate Kat. Cassie makes it hard for Cassandra to cope with the changes to her lifestyle, and Kat is having to "raise" both of them. Cassandra is only aware of Kat's voice and Cassie's voice/feelings. She is unaware of Cassie's presence, and is completely unaware of "Hannibal".

--Ages 12-13: Cassie is "locked away". Cassandra is barely aware.
Because of Kat's encounters with "Hannibal", her struggles to basically raise/take care of an 8 yr old and a 12/13 yr old, and the fact that there was not anyone or anything who could fill Cassie's needs at the time, Kat locks her away in a room somewhere. Cassie is not seen or heard from since being locked away. Cassandra is aware that many childish feelings/thoughts disappear and she's able to adapt to her changed lifestyle easier, but that's all she's aware of.

--Age 13: L.C., Kyra, and myself appear. Cassandra is partially aware. Self-harm begins.
"Hannibal's" manipulation and abuse of Kat turn her from Katherine to Kataki. "Kataki" is a name that Kat picked out for herself. It means "Revenge" in Japanese, and Kat became abusive as Kataki. Advice became orders, assistance became control, and anything that wasn't done to perfection, Cassandra was punished for. Kat/Kataki was verbally and physically abusive, acting on what "Hannibal" had "taught" her and acting on the fact that if Cassandra fell short of expectations in any way, Kat/Kataki was punished for it by "Hannibal". I, myself, being Kat's younger sister, came forward to Cassandra to help her. Kat/Kataki and I were yin/yang; Cassandra's "shoulder devil" and "shoulder angel", as she would call us. I would fight Kat/Kataki's control; I would fight the abuse caused by her; and I would help "patch up" all wounds, physical and emotional, caused by her. Kat/Kataki was now only the protector, and I was Cassandra's source of advice and comfort. L.C. also comes forward during this year, to help Cassandra cope with the pain and stress our father was putting us through, and to express/hold Cassandra's feelings of depression and apathy. With L.C. also burst forward our Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Cassandra starts experiencing flashbacks and anxiety for the first time. Kyra appears this year as well, but Cassandra is unaware of her or her control. Cassandra is aware of my voice, Kat/Kataki's voice, and L.C.'s voice. She is not aware of Kyra's existence, or the fact that she sat in the "background" while Kyra and L.C. were out "running the show". In essence, for the entire year of 8th grade, Cassandra was "looking over" Kyra and L.C.'s shoulders.
This is also the first time Cassandra experiences self-harm. Kat/Kataki was responsible for the very first cut, out of anger, as a form of punishment to Cassandra for forgetting L.C.'s journal at a friend's house. L.C. realizes how emotions seem to "wash away" with the blood from the cut, and so starts using cutting as a coping method.

--Ages 13-14: Kyra disappears, L.C. steps down from control, Cassandra's back as the "main one out". Cassandra is unaware.
With the transition from middle school to high school, Kyra retreats and ends up submerging deep into our subconscious. She continues "living", but is in her own reality. Though she ages with Cassandra, and the same amount of time passes, Kyra's life is completely imaginary. She is still currently living this "life" today, and knows nothing of true reality. L.C. steps down from control and Cassandra resumes being the "host". However, to Cassandra, all that happened was seemingly a simple mood change and a new outlook on a new fresh start (high school). She is also still only aware of our voices; she has not had black-out time loss, she does not understand any switches that happen except for viewing them as "losing control", and she is unaware that we are more than just voices.

--Ages 14-15: Cassie returns. First convinced "time loss" episode. Cassandra's awareness starts.
Upon getting her first real boyfriend, a source for things that Cassie needed/wanted, (such as hugs, comfort, being held, positive attention, etc.), was suddenly realized to exist. Kat/Kataki fights to keep Cassie locked up, but eventually Cassie bursts free. Cassandra perceives herself as "needy" and "clingy", when in reality, this was Cassie showing through.
Kat/Kataki forcefully takes over control one day after becoming extremely angered by a close friend of Cassandra's. A physical fight ensues, and when it is over, Cassandra returns to control, confused. While she was aware of what was happening, she was not in control of her body at all. Not wanting to remember what she had done, and hating the fact that things happened outside of her control, she subconsciously convinces herself that she does not remember what happened during the "switch" (also known as "time loss"). To help convince herself that she "blacked out", she refuses to acknowledge that she knows what happened. The friend, Nathan, explains what happened to Cassandra. Cassandra begins to think of us as different parts/sides of herself as well as different voices. She begins to warn people she gets close to about a "violent part" of herself, otherwise known as Kat/Kataki.
(However, it should be noted that this was the first incident in which Cassandra was aware of a form of "time loss". While she did not black out, she was "locked out" of control and kept in the "background"; this memory is also extremely "fuzzy" to Cassandra, and she does not remember details. Kat, however, remembers this incident clearly, and remembers just about every detail).

--Age 16: Everything falls apart and becomes clear at the same time.
During her junior year of high school, everything falls apart for Cassandra. She tears the ACL of her knee, which puts her out of Kat's/her physical outlets such as soccer, marching band, and track. It also basically immobilizes us, as we needed crutches, and our dad didn't have a working car. Due to L.C.'s creeping depression, the lack of money, and the libraries not having the books needed, Cassandra is unable to finish important summer homework for school. Within the first week of school, she is already failing classes. This eventually sends her over the edge.
One morning, after a whole evening/night/morning of our father not returning home, and after discovering that we would be late for our ride, Cassandra told her ride to go on to school without her (we were on crutches at the time). She had been texting a close friend, Nathan, at the time, and sharing L.C.'s thoughts/feelings of self-harm with him (though she was unaware they belonged to L.C.). She stopped texting him when L.C. and Kat/Kataki took control. They cut the tops of her/their forearms repeatedly; Kat/Kataki meaning to punish Cassandra for being late, and L.C. meaning to cut herself for "being worthless". When Cassandra stopped texting Nathan, he reported her and her texts to the school counselor, who called the police.
The police came by after the cutting was already done and cleaned up, proceeding to take us to the hospital (some of the cuts looked like they might need stitches). There, family members were called, and the self-harm couldn't be hidden anymore. Nor could the bad environment that we were in, as our father proceeded to show up still drunk to the hospital. A hospital psychiatrist talked to us, reaching the conclusion that we were most likely suffering from depression, and ordered us to be removed from our dad's care. We were ordered to seek therapy as well, and were referred to LifeWorks NorthWest. There, we were evaluated and diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, rapid cycling bipolar disorder, mild visual hallucinations-cause unknown, and possible DID. Because of our psychology classes in high school and research of our own, the diagnosis came as no surprise to us, as we had done a great deal of research on our own time and had a good idea of what to expect. (Though Cassandra was still having a hard time being aware of us as more than "just voices". Sometimes she believed she had DID, other times she doubted it). Kat/Kataki was extremely upset with the "possible DID" diagnosis, and caused the 2nd incident where Cassandra convinces herself she experiences black-out time loss. Despite her expressions of anger to the psychiatrist, and despite causing our Aunt to leave the room crying "It's like she's a different person", the diagnosis was left as "possible DID". A second evaluation to change that never happened.
Cassandra begins therapy, being mainly treated for her PTSD, bipolar disorder, and depression. She begins to learn more about us and DID in general, and thus begins to become more aware of us and our presence. She is now fully aware of Kat/Kataki, L.C., Cassie, and myself.

--Age 16: "Hannibal" is encountered by Cassandra. Cassandra is unaware.
This is the earliest encounter Cassandra can recall of "Hannibal". She was told to run away from our father's house during an overnight visit. Though nothing had happened to trigger and everything, currently, was "fine". Later, it was deemed to be the cause of multiple things that had built up. But that wasn't the only cause. Cassandra heard a voice telling her to run away; guiding her in how to quietly open the back door; helping her to sneak out of the house. At times, Cassandra experiences extreme depersonalization, and feels like she is watching herself sneak out of the house; something that she never dreamed she would do. This voice turned out to be "Hannibal", as he later confirmed, and we believe that at times he was the one in control to help her sneak out. This act of running away caused our father a lot of pain, and ended up causing much stress, pain, and drama overall. However, it did help everyone to wake up to Cassandra's situation. At the time she ran away, she had still not gotten her ACL surgery (though we'd stopped using crutches), her first counselor was not a good fit, and she felt like she was getting stuck in a rut very quickly. After she ran away, people seemed to "wake up" to her. Her grandma took custody away from our father and worked on getting us our knee surgery (finally received 6 months after the injury happened), we got a new counselor that was the best one we've ever had, and Cassandra felt like she was getting somewhere with progress.

--Age 16: Rebel appears. Cassandra is aware.
Due to being unable to concentrate in school, Cassandra's grades plummet. But she finds that she no longer cares. This is partially due to L.C.'s depression, but it's also due to Rebel, who has appeared as an outlet for Cassandra's frustrations and "I'm going to do what I want" emotions. Cassandra finds herself shoplifting and stealing due to Rebel. At this time, Cassandra was also dating a boy who was a potentially "bad boy" named Jeremy. A fellow band kid with a rocky home life and walking the line between "going somewhere" and "taking a left turn", not many of Cassandra's friends or family approved of him. This had an affect on Cassandra at times, but Rebel couldn't have cared less. She became Jeremy's girl, and would not have left him for the world. She's still angry at Cassandra for breaking up with him.

--Age 16: Cassandra is raped by her best friend, Nathan. First remembered glimpses of Luna, Cassandra is unaware.
Since Cassandra was put into her Aunt's care, she stayed out at her Aunt's house which was about 45 min. away from her high school. Because of this, Cassandra sometimes stayed the night at friend's houses. Though she couldn't march, she still participated in the marching band, learning "pit" instruments such as the cymbals, and practices often ran late. When she would spend the night at Nathan's, she would sometimes ask him to lay with her due to anxieties and nightmares from Cassie. (Though they both knew he liked her, but they remained close friends, despite a sometimes "messy" friendship. Cassandra did not desire a relationship with him, but one time when she was vulnerable from a recent break-up, they had kissed. They continued doing things such as making out and "feeling each other up" until Cassandra got another boyfriend. However, Kat/Kataki often "went back" to Nathan in order to make Cassandra cheat on the current boyfriend, in the hopes of causing a break-up; though she had stopped this once Cassandra started dating Jeremy).
One night, when she was supposed to stay at Nathan's house, Cassandra/Rebel went to see a late movie with current boyfriend Jeremy and a couple friends. She didn't get to Nathan's house until around 2am, now utterly exhausted. Despite being so tired, Cassie's anxiousness about being in a strange house kept her awake. So Cassandra asked Nathan to come and lay with her until she was asleep. When she was nearly asleep, Nathan proceeded to stand her up, undress her, and then have sex with her. Between how tired she was, the dissociation she was experiencing, and the disbelief that this was actually happening, she found herself unable to say "no" and unable to push him away. Her mouth had gone mute and her body had frozen; possibly influenced by L.C. and Luna's presence as well.
L.C. and Luna mainly hold these memories/emotions, though Cassandra is and always has been fully aware of what happened. (She does not always, however, admit that it was rape, or that it happened to her specifically). After this event, L.C. remembers catching a glimpse of Luna, but since all other memories of Luna had been erased at the time, she brushed it off until recently. All the rest of us in the system see is further growth in "masculine L.C." and "feminine L.C.", and Cassandra was unaware of anything.
Due to feeling unworthy of Jeremy because of this rape, and feeling that she "should" be with Nathan, Cassandra breaks up with Jeremy and starts dating her rapist. Rebel is furious, but calms down once she's able to maintain contact with Jeremy (as a friend).

--Age 18: Rebel disappears; Awareness increases.
During the summer after graduation, Rebel begins to have an affair with Jeremy. Cassandra feels guilty about possibly leading him on, and feels guilty about cheating, though she has no remorse for Nathan, who she was cheating on. When Jeremy asks Cassandra to date him again, Cassandra hesitates, not wanting to hurt him again, and asks him to give her time to think about it, although Rebel tries to make her say "yes" immediately. During this time, Jeremy apparently moves on without telling Cassandra, and ends up getting "married" to a girl, that Cassandra knew from elementary school, while they were attending Burning Man together. Cassandra finds this out from facebook and mutual friends, and Rebel is hurt. Attempting to fix things or at least find out why he acted this way, Rebel contacts him. All he tells her is that he's done with her and doesn't want her in his life at all. Completely crushed, Rebel ends up cutting her/Cassandra's forearms (tops of them), and "leaves". She is now "stuck" in the summer of 2009. Each time she comes "out", she does not remember Jeremy's rejection or cutting herself. All she remembers/thinks is that it is the summer of 2009, Jeremy and her are still on good terms if not dating again, and that she still lives in Cassandra's first apartment. Cassandra is unaware of Rebel leaving, becoming aware of it later and assuming that she simply integrated. However, she continues therapy and becomes more aware of Kat/Kataki, L.C., Cassie, and myself, and communication between us improves.

--Age 19: Ray is discovered, "Hannibal" is discovered, Kat changes. Cassandra is aware.
By now, Cassandra has discovered some measure of control. She is fully aware of us four; we have better communication; we can switch at-will; sometimes we experience true co-consciousness; and Cassandra is able to "hold onto" her control of the body a bit better.
During this time, we started to date our current boyfriend, Michael/Mike. He was the first one to meet Ray, and was even the one to "give" her a name. Cassandra convinces herself once again that experiences black-out time loss with Ray, because she dispises knowing things that happen outside of her control. With Michael's help, we began learning all that we could about her. Eventually, we learn enough about her and adjust to her presence enough that she joins Kat/Kataki, L.C., Cassie, and myself, in Cassandra's full awareness. This increases our ability to "control" switches with Ray, and Cassandra stops convincing herself that she experiences black-out time loss.
Kat/Kataki changes during this time period, also thanks to Michael. Despite her initial hatred of him, he was able to eventually show her that she had no need to be Kataki anymore. She had fought off "Hannibal's" control finally some time ago; she was no longer in an unsafe environment; there was no more reason for her to hold onto her abusive and violent tendencies. Thus, she changed her name to "Kat", and that is what she goes by now.
"Hannibal" is discovered and named after Cassandra watches the Hannibal Lecter movie series starring Anthony Hopkins. She notices that in the movie, Lecter seems familiar, from the way he speaks to how he acts. Later, "Hannibal" comes out and has a short texting conversation with Michael, due to Cassandra switching mid-text. He is then learned about as much as possible, and given the name "Hannibal" due the the resemblance of Anthony Hopkins' character, Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lecter.

--Age 20: Lynn, Kyra, Valera, and Marie are discovered. Rebel resurfaces.
After Cassandra loses her job and her place, we find ourselves moving in with Michael. The stress from the move causes a "new" little to surface; a 2 yr old named Lynn. She seems to not share any of our memory, and so does not realize that our mother is dead and our father now lives in a separate house. Because of this gap in connection, she still causes time loss, though does not cause black-outs. We do, however, unintentionally get "locked out" of control from Lynn, and it can take a bit before one of us is able to resume control.
Rebel begins to resurface, causing Cassandra to convince herself that she experiences black-out time loss due to her strong desire to not know/be aware of what happens when Rebel is "out". Rebels' reappearance also causes great confusion. The confusion ends once we realize it's Rebel, but Cassandra continues to convince herself that she experiences black-out time loss whenever Rebel comes "out".
Kyra is discovered after Cassandra reunites with a guy, named David, that she became friends with in 8th grade. During one of their hang-outs, Kyra surfaces, causing Cassandra to convince herself of experiencing black-out time loss. In reality, Kyra did cause some time-loss, and had "locked" Cassandra out of control. When the truth begins to be shared/shown, it causes Kyra to leave and Cassandra to return. David tells us about Kyra, and her version of "reality" is discovered. Kyra believes her and David to be dating, among other untrue things, and has not been seen since this appearance.
Valera surfaces one night while at a small house part where Cassandra/the others were drinking. While she is aware of everything, she rarely shows herself. Though we do not know exactly when she "came to be", we do know that she is Adam's girl. Adam is a lifelong friend of Cassandra's, who was also her first crush, first love, first kiss, and first attempt at a boyfriend (after he asked her out, he didn't contact her for 2-3 years). After much confusion, affair occasions, vague answers, and "leading ons", he and Cassandra are now just friends. We suspect that Valera formed after Adam finally shared everything about his life with Cassandra (including illegal activities that explained why he was hard to stay in contact with). Valera is much like Kat, though less emotional. She's the part of Cassandra that "fits" Adam perfectly and would do anything to be with him, or to keep alive the chance of being with him.
Marie surfaces one night that Cassandra is having troubles with anxiety while driving, and this causes troubles with denial. Cassandra attempts self-talk to help calm her while driving, when suddenly a calm voice with a country accent tells her to relax and that she'll drive for her. Cassandra doesn't want to believe that there's another one and thinks that she's making it up to suit her needs. Marie proceeds to try and calm Cassandra by talking to her while driving safely for her. Cassandra battles denial for a bit, then accepts Marie's presence.

--Age 21: Dallas, Damone, Cassidy, Luna and Shay are discovered.
These are our recent discoveries. Dallas and Damone are twin boys, both 19 years of age. We are not sure when they first "came to be", but we do know that they were there for when Cassandra felt pressured to be or felt more comfortable being "just one of the guys". They both dealt with our father, our father's friends, and Cassandra's guy friends. Damone also appears to be "sharing" L.C. and Luna's "load" of memories, emotions, and purpose; as well as seeming to be the sole alter coping with Cassandra first, and bad, experience with LSD.
Cassidy is a disturbed 8 yr old girl. She seems to have the tendencies of Antisocial Personality Disorder so far, and lives in complete denial over our mother's death. She believes our mother to still be alive, and has visual hallucinations of her when "out" in control. She also has her own reality to a point, in the sense that when she is not "out" in control, she continues to live her own "life" in which our mother is still alive and Cassidy still lives at home. In addition to this, Cassidy does not know/realize that she/we have DID, and she's said that she does not, and has never, heard voices (such as mine). My hypothesis is that Cassidy split from Cassie at some point in time. Neither of them has truly dealt with our mother's death, but Cassie only stays 8 yrs old because of it, whereas Cassidy has created a world in which our mother is still alive and combines it with reality she experiences.
Luna is a 16 yr old girl, and a twin of L.C.. It is believed, but not certain, that she "came to be" immediately after L.C. did, just like twins being born in real life. While there are remembered masculine or feminine changes in L.C.'s wardrobe, it is still unclear whether or not there was an actual switch, or just a switch in clothing preference. Both of their names stem from the abbreviation "L.C.", which stands for Lost Child and Luna Crystal. To Cassandra, "L.C." originally stood for "Lost Child". But to Cassie, "L.C." originally stood for the name that she gave to L.C., "Luna Crystal". It is still unsure which meaning/name came first. And despite the fact that both of them stutter when they talk, they've proven to be quite the "chatter-boxes" so far.
Shay is a 20 yr old girl who will cause me to edit much of this timeline the more we learn about her. She "speaks" through songs/song lyrics. In our inner world, she used to play songs or parts of a song that she thought was appropriate for the situation, or was the best at conveying what she was trying to say. However, to us, these were only songs, often repeated in our head, so for a very long time, we thought she was a radio, not an alter attempting to communicate. We have learned that Shay uses songs/song lyrics as her main way of communication, and has possibly been "around" for a rather long time. She is also mute, as far as we know. However, she could simply not know how to create verbal sounds, though she does seem to try. She has characteristics that are possibly Autistic, and you can learn more about her and our realizations through her existence in these threads:
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98607.html
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98709.html

Again, I apologize for the long post, but with the recent discoveries, many memories are becoming blurred, overlapped, and confusing. As a result, it can be difficult to keep thoughts straight, much less condensed. Especially since I was attempting to edit it to fit our most current knowledge of ourselves, while attempting to not re-write the entire timeline (though I plan to do this at some point, anyway). If I did not have a time restriction, I would have rewritten the entire timeline before posting it here, but I did not see it as essential as we are still learning much about Shay, and I did not want to delay a response to this thread any longer.

~Rain