Realizations

*I don't think there should be anything triggering, but if anyone thinks differently, please let me know and I'll put a warning here. Talks of: memories making sense, realizations, alters/defined roles. Mentions of: teasing, school experiences, fear of being different*

I knew fear was strong, but I didn't really grasp how strong until last night.

After Rain finished posting/reading her threads about Shay and Autism, we tried letting Shay come "out" since my Grandma and (Great) Aunt were in bed and it was "safe". This time, though, we made a conscious effort to "let go" of control as much as possible. The difference was astounding.


I had never realized before how much we subconsciously stop Shay from acting on impulses such as arm twitches, swinging her feet, jerky movements, being very easily distracted from simple tasks (such as eating), etc. We still stopped impulses to throw things, such as the butter knife she was holding while attempting to fix her toast, but otherwise we did our best to completely "let go" and just let her be her. Usually when she is "out", it's like a sheet of glass separates us, and I'm unable to consciously control anything (or even attempt to get the controls "back" from her), so I thought that she was completely herself when she was "out". As I discovered, there is a lot more going on subconsciously despite that sheet of glass. Another interesting breakthrough- when we tried to completely "let go", I was able to feel the emotions she probably always "sends out". With all of my Main Group alters, I'm usually able to feel what they feel in waves, kinda like being blasted with psychic energy or something. (Unless they hide their feelings from me, or one alter's feelings are much stronger than the others', stuff like that). With Shay, I had assumed that the sheet of glass that "came down" between us when she was "out" would block any emotions she could possibly be "sending out". Come to find out, it doesn't. I just hadn't opened myself up to receive the emotional waves she was "sending out".


Oh, the emotions! And the realizations that came with them! Suddenly, many experiences, time periods, and memories of my life began to make sense. For example, my entire junior year of high school I could not concentrate to save my life. I couldn't write, and for me being a writer who had a history of being able to do things (such as writing a 5 page essay without problems the same day it was due), that was a huge frustration and caused a lot of confusion within myself. I found myself not being able to do homework; classes were almost unbearable; I couldn't filter sounds and everything was overwhelming; I was often frustrated about not being able to "find" or think of words to express myself; all sorts of stuff. Now I realize why- Shay was the one pretty much fronting, or at least having a heavy influence on me, that entire year. And part of my senior year as well (things got better, but not by much, and I ended up just barely graduating).


I realized that I had often been frustrated and confused, just like Shay often is, throughout a good part of my life. The emotions she was "sending out" were familiar to me, and yet when I'd seen her express such emotions, I'd thought that they were only her's and that I had never experienced them before (at least, not in the same ways she does).



I realized that I remembered having a lot of the impulses she does- the arm twitches, throwing things that are in your hands (such as pencils or utensils), swinging her feet as she walks, etc. The only thing that kept me from doing them was fear. I had an intense fear of being different from other kids, being seen as "weird", being singled out. Well, I already was teased and seen as different for being a tomboy and dressing boyishly, but I had no desire to make it worse if I could help it. I'd see the mentally retarded kids my mom would work with, and I'd compare their behaviour to "normal" kids, and I remember taking mental notes on how I should and shouldn't behave. I remember constantly reminding myself and telling myself not to do things, not to act on such impulses, because of my intense fear of being (more) different from other kids.

It would come out in other ways, though- I was quite the talker in school. In fact, all my teachers never had many complaints about me except for just that- "Cassandra talks a lot". It didn't even matter if anyone was really paying attention to me, I'd just keep babbling away as if people were listening to me, no matter how many times the teacher would have to remind me to be quiet. Now, I understand that this can be viewed as "normal" behaviour, but talking was impulsive for me. It wasn't viewed as a strange impulse though, so I channeled other impulses into talking and that became my main outlet.
I'd also impulsively "steal" things from people and put them in different places, thinking it was the funniest thing in the world to watch them try and find them. My main items I took and "hid" were pencils, erasers, and notebooks from kids sitting next to me, or kids that I liked. I never quite understood why people would get so mad at me, and it took a lot of kids getting mad at me for me to recognize that facial expression and that emotion. Originally, I would just keep giggling and laughing, no matter how mad they got at me, because I didn't understand that they were truly mad. It was funny to me, shouldn't it be funny to them? That was my thinking. After getting yelled at and ignored by so many kids, many of which were my friends, I realized that what I was doing was actually making them mad. So I would still do it impulsively, but I would watch for that facial expression change that I had gradually learned to watch for, and then instead of making them look for the missing item until they found it, I would reluctantly find it for them and give it back. This behaviour didn't decrease until high school, and it never ceased completely. I simply kept refining it to make sure I didn't get in "trouble" (my view of people getting mad at me), at least not by people that I liked.


It's little things like these that suddenly began to make sense the more I watched Shay, the more I felt from her, and the more I thought about it. 2+2 began to = 4, type of thing. Like how I felt completely lost/clueless/helpless without the structure and schedule of going to school had provided and how hard of a time I have adapting to change sometimes, no matter how small it is. And how my sensory input seems to change at times, like when I was shopping for my prom dress, I remember the mall was overwhelming. I was hearing every conversation, every little noise, and I couldn't focus on anything. Little instances like this, spread out throughout my life starting in elementary school, now make sense to me, and I began to realize that Shay has probably been around for a long time. Maybe not as long as Kat has, but possibly close to.


I also realized just how much fear had made me separate those impulses and behaviours I used to have, and thus how much it had made me separate Shay from myself. I didn't want to be like the kids that my mom worked with- I saw how other kids talked about them and gossiped about them and such. I was already being teased- I didn't want it to get worse. Fear is what made me teach myself to try my best to act like "normal" kids did, and it's what made me constantly take notes on things that "normal" kids saw as weird, or didn't like, or stuff like that. And it's the same fear that keeps me from being comfortable letting others out completely even now, especially littles like Cassie. I constantly worry about how others see me, and being viewed as "weird", especially in any place considered public, no matter how remote it is. I still find myself, now that I'm looking for it, taking mental notes on how others behave and how to be "normal". It's made me wonder if I'm not as different from Shay as I originally thought I was, but instead if I just learned how to act "normal" better than she was able to, than that part of me was able to.

Anyway, just thought I'd share this update with you all. It's definitely been eye-opening to me.

This is amazing progress - you're doing so great
Makes sense that the denial got so bad for you with Shay if you have so much fear bound up in her behavior. I'm glad you're more able to see it and understand both yourself and her better because of it. You're doing so well in all of this. I might not know you well but I really am happy to see your journey and I am so happy to see you get better and working through it all.

Warmest wishes!

Thank you so much. Unfortunately, with these realizations, I've been having troubles with denial again... But then again, like you said, with all the fear attached to this stuff, it kinda makes sense. I find it funny that you keep saying you don't know me that well, when in fact, with all the communication we've had on here, you probably know me better than most of my friends.

I'm sorry you're struggling with your denial again. I see "your denial part" (I don't know what to call her, I apologize) has been posting again. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I went through denial not long ago too and then felt like I got hit square in the face again with the fact that the DID is real, it's not going away and I can't help it. It sent me into a more or less daily to several times a day panic attack for a few weeks in total. I hope your realizations in the future can come with less pain, you'd deserve that.

I guess I just don't want to be presumptuous. I look forward to seeing you write and I know our littles have written a lot but I still err on the side of caution about whether I know people (**trigger warning** probably in part due to people always viewing me as weird and different and scary and someone they didn't want to admit they had any form of contact with *trigger warning end**) so I preface what I say with it I'm happy to hear that I do know you a bit though because I really do enjoy knowing you on here

kiuyfcvvcd! tesdxcvhg!! koiuygbn! vcdrtg!!!

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*song lyrics*

But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got


I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't change this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

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We are the children you reject and disregard
These aching cries come from the bottom of our hearts
You can't disown us now, we are your own flesh and blood
And we don't disappear just because your eyes are shut

bvcdrtgbnmjkhg!!! kjhgfdsxdcv!!

I know you're here Shay. I know you're real and I know nothing has changed even if Cassandra seems to think you're all just not there. I understand she is scared but I also understand that you're here. Try not to worry, she will come around. I believe in you

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You're very welcome, Shay. I hope you feel better real soon! I care about you

lifelongthing wrote:I hope I feel better real soon

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soon


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feel better

That is great that you know something that can help. Sleeping sounds like a good idea. I hope you sleep well soon Shay and that you feel better when you wake up