What was it like when you first realized? **Triggery**

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:I'd like to know too what it was like when everyone first realized they might have DID.

For me it was a huge relief, and a eureka moment. Suddenly, everything fit and it all made so much sense. I was not mentally ill, not crazy, not going crazy, did not have a brain tumor or any other progressive organic disease. I was merely damaged (and I already knew that)!

Accurate diagnosis is a huge step toward full recovery and the moment I realized I had DID I also realized my prognosis is excellent and everything will be okay.

I still remember the moment Jeff found out about the rest. No one told him, he never even read about DID or something like that. But he has a huge amount of willpower, naturally, so stangely enough we mostly got into a state of co-consciousness or even co-hosting. He simply didn't allow himself to lose control. That willpower now allows him to be some sort of gatekeeper, but he's not a real gatekeeper.

we did cause things like hallucinations: images, voices and touches. After a while he noticed differences in behaviour with himself on the uncontrolled moments. Later on, he managed to connect every face of the alters to both names and behaviours. It was then that he started thinking about having multiple consciousnesses. Soon after that katie showed him information about DID.

At that moment he didn't just sit down to be happy because he found the answer, but he went on researching it, creating multiple theories about how it might have been created. Not to get rid of it or to find a cure, but to live with it. He found out that the first split should've happened because of an extreme amound of fear, creating a personality out of that fear. He managed to pinpoint katie at that spot. I don't know how or why.

After being very familiar with our system, he went to create an good inner world through meditation and controlling his own mind. Also being able to put everyone on the right places inside that world.

Wow! Thank you for that Rain! I loved that you shared that with me! It was so indepth and I felt like I could relate to it a lot! It was sort of comforting in a way, if that makes sense?

No worries on it being so long! I over explain everything too most of the time! I admit it took me a while to get through the whole post...I'm easily distracted! I'm going to reread it again tomorrow bc it was very interesting! I'm kind of jealous everyone knows so much about each other...and how she was more consciously aware at a younger age too!

You all have been through so much! A lot of Cassandra's experiences sound very familiar to me for some reason. As I read through, a lot of parts made me think back into the past where I feel like a similar memory should be, but it's not there. Only a vague, "I swear I remember something like that" feeling. I think I've forgotten more than I realize! Makes sense since I remember very little of my life anyway! I'm going to read through it again tomorrow after work, it was very interesting! Thank you!!!

For me it was a huge relief, and a eureka moment. Suddenly, everything fit and it all made so much sense.

That's exactly how I feel! A big eureka moment and definitely a huge relief! It was a very sudden, shocking, realization that everything I've ever known my whole life to be reality and true, wasn't what I thought it was. The fantasy and confusion I had denied for so long was the reality and the truth.

It's all so more shocking to me bc these memories of sexual abuse just surfaced last week. And I only got a few fragments...but it was enough for me to understand. I knew there was a lot of physical/mental abuse and neglect but I don't remember it...I just remember it was there, but I'm not even sure how bad it was except 'knowing' it was bad. I thought I had made peace with him (he's bipolar and schizophrenic) but now I know I haven't. I just dissociated myself from it a long time ago. I have a lot of unresolved emotions.

I'm afraid to tell my T though. I don't want to be seen as crazy I know she don't handle this sort of thing. And I'm afraid I'll be put on a ton of meds too. I hate pills. I don't even take Tylenol.

we mostly got into a state of co-consciousness or even co-hosting. He simply didn't allow himself to lose control.

I didn't reply back to you last night bc I wanted to look those up first. Thank you for mentioning it bc I wasn't aware that there was a difference! Co-hosting is exactly how I feel it goes for me for me most of the time. I'm in control, but so is someone else. Sometimes they gain more control than I have at the time, almost like I'm slipping behind them, things start getting fuzzy and I feel like words just fly out of my mouth and my body just goes through the motions...but I do have some control and awareness, but not much. Maybe they've taken full control and I just didn't realize it? I'm not sure. I'm thinking back on when this has happened in the past...at the time I didn't think much of it...just thought it was odd lol. It usually happens when I'm out of my comfort zone...so basically out of the house and around people, especially people I don't know. I rarely leave my house these days, so I haven't had this happen since I became aware of DID.

we did cause things like hallucinations: images, voices and touches.

What exactly do you mean my touches? I've seen things, have always heard voices (and the constant chatter at night) and I've been touched. I always blamed it on the paranormal though...it was the only thing that ever made what I thought was logical sense lol.

Not to get rid of it or to find a cure, but to live with it.

That is really what I'm looking for myself. I don't want to get rid of it...I want to learn about it, understand it, and figure out a good system to be most productive with it. It just occurred to me a week ago I most likely have DID (I haven't really heard of it before) and I've been complaining to my husband since April bc I feel like my 'auto pilot' as I called it (or she/he), ditched me. Thinking back on it, I had an event happen in April (that I just recently realized I repressed too) that was very closely related to my childhood abuse. After that happened my 'auto pilot' stopped 'coming out' so often. I believe it was a co-host relationship where she/he had majority of the control, but I still had some too. She/he got me through my job (while I surfed the internet lol), got me though cleaning, dinner, bathing, and those sort of things. I was like a zombie just going through all the motions, while I spent time talking to myself in my head 'escaping' the responsibilities. I want my auto pilot back! I've been so dysfunctional since then I've literally done nothing the last 4 weeks, my husband has been doing everything. It's hard for me to explain to him as a 27 year old wife/mother, I just can't do it.

Anyways, I feel like I'm on a path to self discovery for the first time, so I'm going to take advantage of that!

ManyShadesOfMe wrote:

we did cause things like hallucinations: images, voices and touches.

What exactly do you mean my touches? I've seen things, have always heard voices (and the constant chatter at night) and I've been touched. I always blamed it on the paranormal though...it was the only thing that ever made what I thought was logical sense lol.

Like the feeling of a hand on your shoulder, making sure you can't stand up. or a hug, the feeling of a hug but no one who gives you that hug (before Jeff knew about us, I'd sometimes drive him crazy by doing that )