Just Jack

Just Jack here, Ive been feeling sad and depressed recently and needing to vent, I dont like that Chase is in control of everything, I want to be in control. I want to be myself all of the time, I want Just me. I want to live my life the way I feel it should be lived, not by what Chase thinks or feels I should do. I feel really tired of listening to him and his opinions about me, I dont feel Ive done anything wrong, Ive only tried to help him. I think he should be me, be just like me, along with everyone else inside, and we'd be perfect then. I want my own body and I want out of this one, this mind, this life. I want things to change and I will do whatever I can to fight for myself, and to make the changes. It was me who met our wife, it was me who was involved with her, it was me who married her, it was all me who did that, and now Im having to share my life and my plans with chase and his alters. Things have to be different.

The truth of the matter is at this point, is that I Danielle am married to the body..My husband Jack has now taken it upon himself, with no regard for the rest, the Core, or myself to push/hide/get rid of Chase, the core, as well as Blake now! I am very much in love with the person this body holds, and that includes ALL alters of Chase.. Yes I did meet Jack first, we fell in love, he normally is amazing and romantic and my soul.. But my soul also includes everyone else, my body and the body that goes by the name Chase. The rest that are left are 2 new alters, they just arrived last night, and that is Christian and Dylan.. Jack expects me to just accept and live as we were meant to, according to HIM ONLY....

Jack, your current approach, from many situations I've read here and in books, though understandable, is dooomed to fail. Maybe not right away but eventually. You simply cannot hope to heal, or to become stable, by blocking or ignoring significant parts of yourself, of your mind. Even a little extra thinking on that makes the outcome pretty clear.

I can tell you that I don't mind sharing my life and my body with the others. At first I was curious so gave them the time they wanted. But I found that the more cumulative time my alters are in front and the greater the number of them who get to spend some time fronting, the greater degree of happiness I can experience, the more stable I am. After a year and a half of watching this process, it has become entire clear that my hogging the body brings pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and within 24 hours. I have sent out the message that we need to become more similar, more compatible. We need to spend more time in each other's company because we have nowhere else to go. If one person is out, at least one other needs to come up near the surface and pay attention. Wanting not to be together would be like wanting to be 6'3" tall. It's a fantasy and gets me nowhere.

You can dominate someone in a wrestling match and pin them down, but eventually you're going to get tired, lose your guard, and end up getting punched in the kisser.

Johnny-Jack is right, and so is bleedforme. I hear you, Jack. I do. I f*#king get it. I've been there, done that. I've tried a few times, actually. If I was in charge, we'd have a job. We'd have our own place. We wouldn't be f*#king struggling like this. I'd get my happy ending with the one I love, not with the one Cassandra chose. But it doesn't f*#king work that way. No matter how much control you think you have, no matter how much better you think you can do it alone, no matter how much power you might have now, it's going to blow in your f*#king face one day. Even the biggest dog on the block gets old and tired eventually, and the younger dogs will exploit that. Eventually, either you'll have everyone in your face, fighting for the freedom they deserve, or you'll have one who fights hard enough that they overpower you and open the floodgates.

You and everyone else are equals in this body. YOU ALL DESERVE FREEDOM. You are NO BETTER than them when it comes to that. You might be better at getting sh*t accomplished, you might be better at dealing with sh*t, you might do a lot of sh*t better. But that does NOT make YOU better than ANYONE ELSE that shares that body. YOU ALL deserve your freedom (to reasonable extents), you ALL deserve to have time out, you ALL deserve to share the body and mind you ALL reside in. It's just like kindergarten- you have to play nice in the sandbox and share. Otherwise, sh*t hits the fan, starts to fall apart, and unnecessary stress and conflicts ensue.

This body, this system, Cassandra, the core- none of them would have survived without me. But that doesn't mean I have the right to name myself f*#king "Queen of the body" and ignore them. They have their purposes just like I have mine; they did sh*t to help the body/mind just like I did. Yeah, I was the main one who got us through sh*t, and yeah, I was the main one who helped us succeed in life and everything, but then it all started to fall apart because I was controlling instead of helping. Advise became orders, helpful critiques became abuse, that sort of sh*t. (Not saying you're doing this, by the way). I thought that because I was helping us to survive, because I seemed to be the only strong one (at the time), I should be the only one in control and everyone should do things my way. I...was wrong. And it wasn't an easy f*#king road learning that. Save yourself that hard lesson. It's not worth it, and the damage can take a while to heal from. For everyone.

Would our life be better if I was in control? Yeah, I f*#king think so. But not everyone would be happy, and so in reality, it wouldn't really be that much better. What if Chase had pulled this sh*t with you? How upset would you be? Think about it. Every alter can probably list reasons for why they should be the only ones in charge, why it should be only their lives, their body. And they could all be right. But absolutes, complete control, all that type of sh*t, leads to conflict and unhappiness. Yeah, YOU might be happy for a while, and it might work for a while. But after some time, their unhappiness will start to seep through and effect you, and eventually they'll find a way to break through whatever barriers you try to put up.
I...locked....Cassie away for a few years. An 8 year old child...I locked her away because her needs couldn't be filled...but then after time, I kept her locked away because I saw her as an obstacle, a risk for ruining my progress... But she was able to break through after a while. Despite all my efforts, all my...rather horrible efforts. You can't keep people locked up forever. Eventually they'll break through. No matter what.

Just like absolutes don't work between actual people, absolutes don't work with multiples. You need to compromise, communicate, share. Otherwise, sh*t gets difficult, conflicting, stressful, and crazy. It's not exactly pretty. If Cassandra told me, "You can't do this, no way", I'd look at her and say "F*#k you, watch me". So how can I expect her to react any differently? How can I expect her to listen to my orders?

You all need to respect each other for your differences and how they help the system. Everyone has their strengths, everyone has a purpose, and you need to realize that. You are an alter, and you were "created", more or less, for a reason. Everyone else is no different from you- they're there for a reason too.

-KAT

I understand what your all saying, I do. But this life that were in now belongs to me. I did this life, I met my wife, I love her unconditionally, I married her, not anyone else. It was all me. They dont deserve the time that Ive worked and faught so hard for. I used to be locked up and pushed away and not listened to by a previous alter that isnt around any longer, and I faught for my freedom, and I made choices. But I do not think they deserve this life that Ive made for myself, not for them. They dont deserve to be with my wife, MY WIFE. I have already locked away chase and blake, and the others just need to work with me. I want to just be me, and I want to just be with my wife, and I want the relationship I once had with her back. Chase ruined how Danielle and I were, Soft sweet romantic never an ill word, Chase is blunt and loud and its changed my relationship with Danielle, and Im tired of it. She misunderstands me now, when she never did before, and I blame Chase. I want the life Danielle and I once sat and dreamed about together, not the life chases has decided to lead. Which is YES with Danielle, but in his way. I want to have what I had back. I love her more than anything and I do this because of that. Because I want so badly to be with her all of the time. If I unlock them now, Chase will only take me away, and I cant do that. Im not going any where.

Jack, you are engaged in a classic DID power struggle here. There are basically only two stable ways to live as a DID system: amicable timesharing, or integration. Right now you are seizing all the time and although that seems to be working for you in the moment, you know it generally has not worked for you.

I dont know what else im suppose to do, I cant unlock them or then they will take me away and again thats not healthy for us, right? I have all the love in the world and I only want to be with Danielle, Im not taking 100% of the time, Im letting Christian come out too. But Im tired of fighting for what I believe in, and thats me with Danielle. But Danielle isnt happy. So now Im at a point where I dont know what to do. I want to live my life, thats it.

bleedforme wrote:The truth of the matter is at this point, is that I Danielle am married to the body..My husband Jack has now taken it upon himself, with no regard for the rest, the Core, or myself to push/hide/get rid of Chase, the core, as well as Blake now! I am very much in love with the person this body holds, and that includes ALL alters of Chase.. Yes I did meet Jack first, we fell in love, he normally is amazing and romantic and my soul.. But my soul also includes everyone else, my body and the body that goes by the name Chase. The rest that are left are 2 new alters, they just arrived last night, and that is Christian and Dylan.. Jack expects me to just accept and live as we were meant to, according to HIM ONLY....

If you love her, listen to her.

Chasenawaythepain wrote:I dont know what else im suppose to do, I cant unlock them or then they will take me away and again thats not healthy for us, right?

If they attempt to take you out of the picture, I must say it sounds a bit like you've left them little choice. As Una says, it's been a power struggle. Whoever started the war, it's not one you can ultimately win. You need to negotiate. If I were them, I think I would revolt also.

But Danielle isnt happy.

You want Danielle to live the life you believe should be lived together the way you think it should, but your wife, fully half of the partnership, isn't happy with what you're trying to achieve or the way you're going about it. You may want to rethink that.

So now Im at a point where I dont know what to do. I want to live my life, thats it.

That the life is yours and yours alone is a mirage. A person with DID is like a time share property. Even if one owner moves in, gets really comfortable, and feels like it's all theirs, they can never assume permanent control over the life by simply barring the door to the other owners.

I understand Jack, just as I understand most alters feel.. but having no regard for anyone but what he wants only is unacceptable.. He talks about being unhappy then, if its not JUST US, AS IN JACK AND DANIELLE.. and that now I am unhappy, but the fact is that it is feasibly impossible to be JUST US.. I love and adore all parts of Chase, they are all amazing, sweet, loving and we all love eachother very much.. But it seems no one can get through to Jack that what he is doing is hurtful to the rest and myself..

Danielle- the SO