Such confusion! *TW: deals with gender issues*

I'm so confused and feel so lost lately, it's getting overwhelming. I don't know what to do, and I don't think anyone can really help me, so this is more of a rant than anything. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I don't identify with my name, I don't recognize myself in the mirror, and I have no idea who/what it's coming from, which is what kinda scares me. I've also been having weird "episodes", I guess you'd call them, and they're starting to scare me too.

Recently, I don't like my clothes. Well, I do actually, and I want to wear them, but I feel anxious and uncomfortable when I do. I've been dressing in guys' clothes, even wearing boxers. And I've been wearing a sports bra because my chest looks more "right" being flat, or at least flatter. Now, sometimes I dress boyishly because of L.C. (she's a lesbian and likes the lesbian "boi" look). So at first I thought that it was just her being more "butch" or something. But there's been other things that give me huge doubts that she's the cause of how I've been dressing and feeling.

I've caught myself putting on my boyfriend's deodorant instead of mine, and L.C. doesn't normally do that. I've also stopped wearing my earrings (my ears are double-pierced), except for one black stud earring that I find myself wearing in my right ear. And last night, something really weird happened.

*Possible trigger, talk of genital areas*

So, yesterday was the last day of my period, and I had gone to the bathroom to take care of my business. But...when I took my tampon out, something weird happened. Suddenly I was at a complete loss of what to do, and I felt horrified at what had just happened, like I'd never had a period before. I had no idea how to put a new tampon in, but even if I did I probably wouldn't have because the idea of it now seemed painful to me. It was like someone erased all knowledge I had about being a woman. I even stared at myself in confusion, as if I'd never seen lady parts before. I gave up trying to deal with myself and went to my boyfriend, still confused and very scared. He helped to calm me down, and after a while I started to feel a bit more like myself and was finally able to take care of business. But it still scares me. Suddenly not knowing stuff that's second nature to me, or not even recognizing my own body, was extremely unnerving. I mean, I know L.C. has penis-envy, but could it be so strong that she's trying that hard to actually be a guy? Could she will herself (and me) to forget things like that in an attempt to be more like a guy? Or am I over-thinking this? Besides, I didn't think she wanted to literally be a guy.

*end trigger*

I'm tired of feeling anxious and confused all the time, and I hate being uncomfortable in my own body. I've tried asking around for why this is happening, but no one seems to know anything about it. I just want this to end...

That's a bunch of dissociative symptoms all at once, including some fairly heavy identity alteration. It sounds like you've been blending with a child alter, likely a male one. Don't worry, this is distressing but not unusual for DID.

What else is going on in your life, that could be bringing this on? Do you have a trauma anniversary coming up?

The only male alter I have that I know of is "Hannibal", and he's not a child. I also tend to lose time when he comes out.

I had a trauma anniversary earlier this month. This year's 4th of July was the 10-year-anniversary for my mom's death, but aside from Cassie being really sad, it seemed to go ok. My birthday was more dramatic if anything. It was like someone had hit a "reset" button or something. For a bit I was the only one around, and the mental set-up I had was nearly gone. I could still hear voices, but it was only Kat, Rain, and Cassie, and everyone else was gone. Rebel was also "reset", and ended up coming out and thinking it was the summer of 2009 again, forgetting the times that she'd been brought up to date. But in a couple days everything seemed to return to normal, and stayed "normal" for about a week. Then this anxiety stuff started happening. It's been especially bad today, and has been going on since I went to get dressed this morning.

My instinct was also a child alter, but not necessarily a guy alter. Could be either. Sounds a lot like my "tomboy," Sam. She hosted late elementary through early junior high, hated that we were growing up, couldn't figure out the issue you referred to (actually used them wrong from the time we got the period at 12 until Poet took over as host), dressed in boy's clothing, tried to minimize the budding figure. She doesn't come high enough up to the surface to influence me as heavily as you seem to be, but when she is arond and we look in the mirror, it is extremely confusing and distressing to her, because our figure has become very feminine. I'm sorry it's so distressing. I wonder if you could try to communicate at times you feel this sort of confusion, just invite the confusion to be directly expressed from this other part to you? I do notice certain parts are very different in their desired appearance. The more other parts are gaining access to the surface, the more trouble we have getting dressed or sometimes with changing in the middle of the day, because we can't stand to be wearing what we started the day in anymore. I'm just trying to say I know it can be confusing and distressing, so you're not alone in it. I have found the easiest way for me to deal with it is to lag behind in laundry and limit our choices. Luckily, only one of us wants to dress differently enough for it to actually upset any of the others. The rest are MOSTLY compatible.

I had an experience last year that I couldn't explain but that may parallel yours, since gender and sexuality issues are so common for those of us with DID. It was more neutral than negative, but it was unnerving. Within a month or so after April '11 when my first alter returned and it was confirmed to my satisfaction that I truly had DID, I began to notice my own body carriage had shifted. My alters are mostly straight, I've considered myself gay, though not active.

** description of abuse - may be triggering **
In early childhood, I was severely punished for signs of masculinity. My body would be suddenly grabbed and my genitals were exposed and threatened with a razor blade, scissors, knife, or fingernails by my mother's cruel alter.
** end potential triggers **

I learned to move gently, in more feminine ways. In essence, I became a sissy. Masculinity more normal for the body was expressed by Jonathan when he accompanied the father away from the family, by Jack who stole as much time as possible so that he could run off and do normal little boy things, by Dan towards sports, and probably by others on occasion.

I grew aware of my feminization around age 12 and began to actively change it. However, I overcame it by becoming hyperconscious of any feminine body movements and overlaying a stylized masculine set of moves over that.

So last year the body carriage and inner feelings had suddenly shifted and I didn't know why or from where. Suddenly I felt and was acting more masculine. My voice was lower, my interactions with people were more simple, the hyper focus I had on whether the person I was talking to was feeling "nurtured" by me was mostly gone, I was comfortable with behavior that previously had felt too manly and aggressive but which I was seeing was actually just direct and natural. I was communicating and moving without all the other layers, which I didn't even recognize had been there until they were no gone. I was shocked at how much psychological energy I had devoted to all that.

All of this happened beyond conscious decision or control. But I'm pretty sure it was soon after I began to recall my mother's anti-boy torment. I don't know exactly what was behind it, whether it was behavior of my alters coming forward, because their connection to the body was much more natural, or just the falling away of structures and behaviors I had built for myself.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies! It's nice to know that others have experienced similar things.

Yakusoku, Sam sounds a lot like Cassie some days. She'll look in the mirror and not be used to such a big, grown-up body, though for the most part she's ok with the more feminine look. But she hates it on the days that she's feeling tomboy-ish, and she doesn't like to look in the mirror.

Johnny-Jack, I'm so sorry for how you were treated as a child. I'm glad that you've been able to find a level of comfortability and feeling more "natural" with your actions. I now hope to reach that same level some day (I thought I'd already had it, but I guess not ).

Again, thank all of you for you replies. I think I've found the source of all this anxiety and confusion, and I made a new topic thread for it here: http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic94431.html