It's a... wait, twin boys??

**Possible Trigger Warning: deals with alters, gender issues, and time loss**

So, lately I've been feeling anxious, confused, and uncomfortable, like I wasn't myself. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror or identify with my name, and I've been feeling uncomfortable with my body being so feminine. And I believe I've found out why. Or, technically, my boyfriend did.

Thursday night is when it first happened. My boyfriend, Mike, works nights and so I pick him up every night around 1am. I guess I lost time a bit before I had to leave, and so it wasn't me who picked him up that night. (I didn't really have a complete black-out for my time loss though. Everyone that's usually "up front"- me, Kat, Rain, Cassie, Ray, Lynn, and L.C.- just got put behind a mental "wall" and were kept out of control. So I was still completely unaware of what was happening, but I knew that I wasn't in control and that time was passing). Mike told me later that he got to meet someone named Dallas, and that Dallas has a twin brother named Damone. Twins, really?? As if one new alter isn't enough to deal with. Apparently they're both 19 years old and haven't been completely "out" for at least a year or two, though they knew general stuff like that it was the year 2012 and that I was dating Mike (though I guess they didn't like to acknowledge that unless they had to).

I guess Dallas picked Mike up from work, and then stayed around for about an hour or so. According to Mike, he seemed to not be too freaked out about being in a different body (to quote him: "Havin' my own boobs is kinda cool"), though he did miss being a guy. He's got blonde hair and blue eyes, or at least he's supposed to (I have purple hair currently and hazel eyes). Oh, and I guess he's supposed to have small gauges in his ears (I don't have gauges). Mike kept Dallas entertained by showing him the Mustang cars he's working on and the Forza Motorsport x-box game, and I guess they had an ok time just hanging out. He did find out that the twins have been around since about freshman year of high school though. And they seem to know of almost everyone, but they mainly know my "outer circle" group, the ones that don't surface often (Rebel, Marie, Valera). But after about an hour, a switch happened and his brother Damone came out.

Unlike Dallas, Mike told me that Damone seemed to be extremely uncomfortable inside a different body. He was also very shy, very fidgety, and very freaked out. I guess being in a girl's body with a strange person in a strange place was a bit too much for him (and understandably so). According to Mike, he even ended up crying a bit, though he tried to hide it and lie about it. He's also not identical to his brother; apparently he has nearly black hair, though they both have blue eyes. He has snakebites too, (two bottom lip piercings), and his left ear is pierced. (I/the body have/has one bottom lip piercing, two piercings in each ear, and one eyebrow piercing). Damone stayed out for a bit like Dallas did, and Mike tried to help reassure him and help him relax, but I guess nothing worked. After an hour or so, I was back out.

Since then, each of them has made another appearance. Damone was out for a bit last night, and Dallas was out for a short time this morning. While I don't like losing time, I don't mind Dallas as much as I mind Damone. After this morning when Dallas was out, I felt ok. I mean, I didn't completely feel like myself yet and I was dressed like a guy, but that's about it. So far, after each time Damone has been out, I feel weird and I don't like it. I feel uncomfortable in my body; I'm anxious and confused, but about what I don't exactly know. I hate feeling that way. Is there any way I can help Damone adapt to the changes easier, like his brother seems to do?

I don't really know what their purpose is yet, or know what their triggers are for sure, though I have an idea that one of them might be going to the bathroom for some reason (that's usually when I start to feel the most uncomfortable and anxious). I haven't really tried talking to them yet, and to be honest, I don't know if I want to. I don't really want to do anything to coax them forward because I hate losing time. I know that's not the best way of thinking, but I thought I'd just gotten everything stable and under some measure of control again, and now this happens. Sometimes I feel like I'm building an elaborate sandcastle just to have the ocean waves come in and destroy it again and again.

Anyway, that's the update on my newest additions, and I'm pretty sure they're also the cause of all my anxiety and gender identity confusion. While I'm happy that I seem to have found the cause of these feelings that have been plaguing me for about a week, I'm still unsure of how I feel about adding twin boys to the mix.

Anyway, that's the update on my newest additions, and I'm pretty sure they're also the cause of all my anxiety and gender identity confusion. While I'm happy that I seem to have found the cause of these feelings that have been plaguing me for about a week,

That's nice how you found out the possible reasons behind the gender confusion.

I don't quite understand the dismay or uncertainty that is associated with opposite gendered alters/parts...if I may, why the unsureness? I had a similar experience but the opposite, with an ultra-feminine alter, and where at that point I had only "discovered" mostly male and tomboyish alters, so I was like Oh, that's why x, y, z. Is it because they are so different? No need to answer if it's uncomfortable.

Anyway, I'm happy for you, that it shines a light on some puzzling stuff.

Aw, this is touching for us because we have two non-identical twin boys too. But they match the body's gender so not the same issues. I would suggest asking if Dallas could help Damone understand what's going on and try to help him be less freaked out. They may be able to talk to one another or at least work together, share feelings such as calmness inside. I know that of all my alters, the twins have been the closest and could do that, whereas others not so much. It's as if they shared the same space or "womb" in the mind.

When they first returned they were extremely close. Their time out was almost internally measured so it would be completely fair. One would be out for two minutes, then generously hand off to the other for two minutes, then switch back. It was a bit maddening to watch but there was no time loss for me.

They're behaving more independently now and don't seem much tied to each other, which I think is good because they're each just one of us rather than feeling first like one of a pair. It may also have to do with a painful realization and crying bout they had one day that even though they felt like they were playing together, they'd never be able to sit and hold hands or hug each other, for instance.

They have different appearances and different personalities too. Johann arrived first in our history and was very hurt, so Hansel came to cheer him up (maybe me too). Johann is somber and seems more mature, Hansel is more cheery and emotional. Both are curious as heck and end up taking us into new places often.

I'm not sure anything but experiencing the confusion and the passage of time can really lessen the shock of a little returning. Whether it's finding oneself in a body of the wrong sex, the wrong age, the wrong appearance or all three, the shock and pain may be unavoidable. As when anyone in your system is hurting, looking around for one or more of you who can effectively offer some TLC to that particular person is a good strategy. My littles have tended to seek help from different older alters, ones that match better with them for whatever reason. Even if I t had evidence that asking an alter to help another was possible, it felt like positive things were happening somewhere so I kept trying that.

I think it is interesting how some of the twins can be so opposite (blond vs black hair; eye color) and also the personality differences (maybe one is more assertive/the other more timid) My son (host) has female twins - actually conjoined, and he always rolls his eyes feeling a bit cliche' but one has black hair/dress and the other has white hair/dress...and their names are actually Yin and Yang. One is manipulative and doesn't know why everyone doesn't just lie to get what they need...the other is apologetic and timid/shy...

I didn't really have any advice - you have such a great grasp on your own system (really!) and what a great SO you have - so understanding! but I wanted to let you know you weren't alone with twins. The girls are the same too - one is pretty much ok with the body-gender difference; the other much more aware/uncomfortable.

Thanks for sharing your additions!

Borg wrote: I don't quite understand the dismay or uncertainty that is associated with opposite gendered alters/parts...if I may, why the unsureness? I had a similar experience but the opposite, with an ultra-feminine alter, and where at that point I had only "discovered" mostly male and tomboyish alters, so I was like Oh, that's why x, y, z. Is it because they are so different? No need to answer if it's uncomfortable.

It's mainly the idea of "adding" 2 new alters to the system in general. Losing time again, dealing with a new wave of emotions, possibly new wave of memories, all that stuff. A bit of it is because they're boys, but that's only because I'm looking at how uncomfortable Damone is and how situations could become awkward if they find themselves "out" at the wrong time and such. That, and with them being 19, I just hope they're not a handful.

Johnny-Jack wrote: I would suggest asking if Dallas could help Damone understand what's going on and try to help him be less freaked out. They may be able to talk to one another or at least work together, share feelings such as calmness inside.

Thank you, I'll give this a try. They definitely seem to switch more easily and have more communication between each other than they do with me or any of my "main circle". Thank you for your thoughtful reply, it's nice to hear about others' experiences.

Hope, thank you for your supportive reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone.