Why do his alters want to go away so much?

Why do they dislike me? I do everything for them, and most of the time we are so happy. He's always got to go away at some point. I feel so left behind so many times. And it always seems like ex-girlfriends pop-up on FB. We've been together quite a long time now, why does he keep leaving me behind? We don't fight or anything, and I never complain about his needing space.

But I get really sad sometimes. I don't know what to think anymore..

hugs I will try to write more later...I'm sorry it looks like we're both in a pretty rotten place right now.

Thanks that would be nice. I'm just so tired. I know in my heart I haven't done anything wrong. I treat him with nothing but kindness. It seems like these people from his past just come out of the woodwork and when they do...if they call, text, email..the next thing I know is that he's dissociating from me.

This is so painful. It's so unstable.

This would be difficult for anyone to deal with, DID or not. And while this may sound inconsiderate of him, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel validated. Perhaps you need to consider taking a step back until he's able to work more with his alters and cooperation. For your own sake.

I think they may well like you but they're different people from the host, so they will have different likes and dislikes. What you do for one may feel too little for another, too much for a third. I'm not happy telling you this but my alters are attracted to very different types of people because we're not the same people ourselves. It doesn't mean your BF's alters are necessarily "cheating" on you though it's not impossible of course. I know my alters wouldn't do that if we were in a committed relationship because we have a strong monogamous instinct or something. But I can see them going out to dinner or spending time with someone and having a platonic romance. I've considered myself (mistakenly) gay and I've had a number of emotionally serious platonic romances that have alarmed husbands.

Alters who had any kind of relationship, romantic or other, with a person would be drawn out in the presence of that person so that's not surprising.

You know..it's funny (well, not so much..really, lol)..I mean, I know all this, but I constantly have to be reminded. It's like we singletons don't believe it (too incredible). Though I know it's the truth, it's hard for us to wrap our minds around the idea that our partner really is "more than one."

What I find so disturbing is that these people surface from his past..knock him completely off kilter. I mean..we were in a store this weekend having fun..and all of a sudden he just got really weird...and I could tell he was highly distracted. He was just "gone"...where everything had just been happier minutes before. I think someone texted him.

There's also the case of an exwife. His feelings on her differ greatly. Most of the time negatively. Not always. Most of all I wonder if I'll ever be marriage material. And what's wrong with me that I'm not?

I don't think the other people in his life knew about the DID. Is it an advantage that I know? Or a huge DISadvantage because maybe it makes me overly cautious?

Patience wrote:It's like we singletons don't believe it (too incredible). Though I know it's the truth, it's hard for us to wrap our minds around the idea that our partner really is "more than one."

I disagree, actually. I never thought for a moment it was 'out of the ordinary' for my boyfriend to be more than one person. A few weeks into our relationship we sat down to talk about our childhoods because we hadn't grown up together, and he told me about many of the traumas of his past. And in fact, the first night I met another personality other than the host (I met HIM), I probably wasn't as shocked as I should have been. Because the moment I heard him speaking in a different voice and accent, and looking at me too seriously for him to be joking...something in me just...knew he wasn't "Johann" anymore. And even when the host woke up again, I remember thinking nothing about it other than, 'The host doesn't know about the other personality, does he? I should tell him.' rather than, 'Wtf did I just witness...?'

I don't know how old you are, but if you're older than I am, it could just be that I'm younger and my mind might have a higher likelihood to believe whatever I see/hear. I saw something that I knew wasn't the same as what I had seen before, but I was more curious to learn about it than I was to say, 'My boyfriend is crazy.'

There's also the case of an exwife. His feelings on her differ greatly. Most of the time negatively. Not always. Most of all I wonder if I'll ever be marriage material. And what's wrong with me that I'm not?

I wonder that with some of my boyfriend's personalities. While they all claim to love me (or at least, five claim to love me, four romantically one in a child-like way, and two claim to care about me but don't necessarily want a relationship with me), certain alters have memories of different girls that Johann has been with or liked. Kiddo in particular has a tendency to talk about two different girls. One of them is a girl named Sunshine whom Johann really liked when he was ten, and he used to see her every day at the pool - and even at such a young age she seemed 'interested in him' too. Kiddo also talks about Johann's first real girlfriend he had when he was twelve. Kiddo sometimes compares me to either one of them, and I don't know if he realizes he's doing it, but the others don't usually correct him.
Likewise, some personalities don't trust me because they've watched girls hurt Yohann in the past. Johnny holds a memory from Johann's high school years about how an hour after Johann and his girlfriend broke up, his best friend of the time called and told him he had just slept with her, and they had been seeing each other behind his back. Because of this, at least three of the seven personalities have doubts about how faithful I'll be to them and don't want to get more attached than they need to.
But what it comes down to is that they all still tell me they want to marry me one day. Even if they all don't feel exactly the same about me. Don't think for an instant that you aren't 'marriage material'. There's no standards for who can marry who other than the ones you set for yourself. Different alters will respond to you differently, but that doesn't mean the overall person doesn't love you. If the core (in Johann's case we call him the "real Johann") didn't love you, they wouldn't be with you now.

I don't think the other people in his life knew about the DID. Is it an advantage that I know? Or a huge DISadvantage because maybe it makes me overly cautious?

My best friend and I are the only ones who know that Johann has DID. Depending on the situation, it can be very advantageous and very disadvantageous the next.
For example, one night Johann and I were at the anime club in town, and we were skyping my best friend who was in college. Well, one of our friends thinking that he's funny, jokingly whacks Johann in the back of the head while he was sitting next to me talking to her. ...big no-no, because hitting Johann in the back of the head is a trigger point for some of the angry alters. Needless to say, Johann flipped a s*** and yelled at him and then ran out of the room claiming he wanted to calm down. I realized from the instant his tone of voice changed that the host wasn't in possession anymore, and giving Nik 'a look' at the screen I ran out into the hall after him, to find that mentally Johann had restrained Johnny from punching our friend in the face.
Now, I knew it was Johnny who had switched out the moment he got angry. To our friends though...no one had any idea what was going on. No one had ever watched Johann get angry like that before because he's done such a good job hiding those alters from them. It worked that I knew about them because I was able to calm Johnny down, but because they didn't know, it looked like some kind of unexplainable moodswing. Our friend apologized after one of our other friends reminded him of the car crash wound on the back of Johann's head, which our friend assumed was why Johann freaked out on him, and so Johann was able to lie and tell them that was why he had gotten angry. But everyone once in a while that night gets brought up and our friends still don't know what to make of it.

Hi MK91; Yes...I'm a few years older than you are, but VERY open-minded. I too, have seen things right in front of me that are incredible, where I'd say later: "did that really happen?" And I know that it did.

I think one of the reasons for me needing a "reality check" on this, is that my BF's switches are very seamless. Not very obvious sometimes. Littles, of course, are quite obvious. The others, not so much until I'm in the middle of a conversation..and then I realize whom I speaking to. Switches are rarely obvious.

Also, my BF's alters are not co-conscious, and he rarely remembers the extent of his abuse, and doesn't talk about it often.

I know my BF loves me, but he has difficulties saying it. He has, but I think those words hurt him. Once, when he had a major switch, I told him that and he became very angry.

Day by day.

Also, my BF's alters are not co-conscious, and he rarely remembers the extent of his abuse, and doesn't talk about it often.

Actually, BF may not be co-conscious but it sounds like they are aware of what's going on with him, they're listening, which isn't unusual. There wouldn't be much of a way they could make a produce a seamless conversation if they weren't.

Patience wrote:Also, my BF's alters are not co-conscious

If his alters are not co-conscious with each other, then some of them will scarcely know you exist. The ones who are rarely in executive control while he is with you really don't know you. Even though your boyfriend's previous romantic relationships are years in the past, to some of his alters those relationships are current. That is because those alters are more or less frozen, stuck, in their individual stasis fields.

When my alter Teen Girl surfaced this year, she was stuck 30 years in my past. In effect, during the past 30 years I have lost only a few hours of time, meanwhile Teen Girl lost 30 years. Since we integrated it has taken me months to reach the point where I can say this without crying. No, strike that because I am crying. Anyway, she certainly did not know my husband, much less feel married to him, and for a while there relations between him and me were a little ... different. For both of us, there was a quality of novelty. New relationship energy. Unfamiliarity. It was weird and wonderful.

Did your boyfriend have a separate alter for each girlfriend? If so, then it makes sense that when an old girlfriend contacts him she will activate that alter. And that alter has no relationship with you.

Have you seen the movie 50 First Dates? The situation is kind of similar. Basically, your task is to court all your boyfriend's alters, starting from the beginning with each one. You could maybe jumpstart the process with each one by getting him to put a photo album of you on his phone, or photos of you two together around the home or in the car. Things to help reorient each separate alter to the present.