Why do his alters want to go away so much?

Una, first off--I'm so sorry I triggered something that you made you cry. I hope you're feeling better now.

Regarding alters that barely know I exist..sometimes...one will come out who just stares at me. Like he's studying me over. His gaze just lingers on me. I don't know why this is, if it's a new one, or one that hasn't been out a while. He has one that is gay, I think..I've only met him a couple of times. Funny...one day he came home after work, and it was like he hadn't seen me in ages, and said "It's soo nice to see you again!"

One that comes out almost every night is a little. He's so adorable,and so affectionate. Nevertheless I worry...am I a girlfriend or a mom? I mean..yes, I know I hold many roles. I don't know what I mean. I guess I get confused when alters want to stray..like they're getting away from their mom (who I believe was the main abuser).

I don't know if he has a separate alter for each of the ex-girlfriends. Would that mean he's still splitting? I know when someone contacts him and he switches..he's very foggy. Like I'm talking to a foggy version of him. He's looking at me through foggy eyes, dreamlike.

I have seen 50 First Dates..but I'm going to watch it again. I think it might be a good idea.

Patience wrote:Una, first off--I'm so sorry I triggered something that you made you cry. I hope you're feeling better now.

Not to worry. I triggered myself by choosing to share that detail. You had nothing to do with it. And being a dissociative type person, I passed it off in no time.

Patience wrote:sometimes...one will come out who just stares at me. Like he's studying me over. His gaze just lingers on me. I don't know why this is, if it's a new one, or one that hasn't been out a while.

I know someone who has a similar state, who stares and drinks me up. I don't know what's going on there either. In that state the person does not respond to questions, does not seem to even hear or comprehend them.

Patience wrote:I guess I get confused when alters want to stray..like they're getting away from their mom (who I believe was the main abuser).

Does it matter why he wants to stray? You aren't his mother, so if he is projecting her onto you that is a problem to take to therapy.

Patience wrote:I don't know if he has a separate alter for each of the ex-girlfriends. Would that mean he's still splitting? I know when someone contacts him and he switches..he's very foggy. Like I'm talking to a foggy version of him. He's looking at me through foggy eyes, dreamlike.

Hm. He could be splitting anew, or simply mobilizing available alters. There may be switching going on, but it sounds like the main thing going on is a dissociative trance or depersonalization. When he looks foggy, would he be able to tell you how he is feeling, what he is sensing in his body?

Next time he gets "foggy" I will make more of an effort to find out. I'm getting bolder with my questions, trying not to be so reserved (a.k.a. afraid of a Protector outburst). His Protector has grown to trust me more, but I've witnessed him flying out a couple of times.

I think maybe I'll read up a little more on "depersonalization." I've been researching DID for approximately two years straight now, and you'd be amazed the things that have gone over my head (big DUH! moments). Especially, most recently, talking on another thread about the host changing. Just a little bit different than someone else taking control for a while. This happened to us in the past. He had a major switch, it took weeks in the process, but when it was done, he was a completely different person. But it still seemed like "him."

He tried in every way to convince me that he just didn't like me, we didn't click, and needed to get out! He almost ran out the door! Heck..I think he did run out the door! I let him go. I just wanted him to be happy. He left for a while; but he switched back. I guess I'm afraid of it happening again, and I think it's probably bound to.

Do they have different names, or do they all answer to the physical body's name? I had that problem with a lot of Johann's alters at first. A new one would appear, and they would either have a different voice or different personality and I would know it was one I hadn't met before, but if I asked, 'What's your name?' they would all tell me, 'Johann' which would leave me stuck.

Especially with littles, there were a few other littles besides Chibi and Kiddo. And the first time I met one of them (I think it was a fragment, because it's gone now), I made the mistake of trying to explain that Johann was twenty-four now because the fragment thought it was still a child and wanted to fight me (because Johann had a history of fighting as a child). I showed him their driver's license to prove it and he freaked out on me. That was a really stupid idea on my part. I think Jack was the one who took over possession and yelled at me for that, telling me that I could have damaged that piece of their mind by forcing a reality on him that was about sixteen years post the reality he was caught in. --I've learned since then.

A lot of them used to answer to Johann until I in whatever way I did, asked them, 'Can I call you something else?' The host got to keep the name Johann (with different spelling) but everyone else had to have a different name, and had to learn each other's names so we could differentiate. Is it possible for you to do something like that?

Hi MK, no..his alters don't have different names (that I'm aware of, anyway)..I have tried asking his age, though, when I thought he was little. I got the correct response back. But in a hurried way...I think he was prepared for this question, and I still think he was a little at the time.

Also, our little, just like any child, doesn't get jokes if they are over his head. The teen does, though...oh, the teen can be so foul-mouthed.

Anyway..I don't know if calling him separate names would fly. Although he does have different names for ME!

Patience, I would really try to get n touch with what it is about u, that is so willing to b so continually hurt. No one is a singleton n my opinion, though some more single than others. Everyone has different parts of themselves, the cook, shopper, mom,etc... It might b helpful to get n touch with all the different aspects of urself. Like what part of u feels they r not good marriage material. Is that the same aspect of urself thats ok with staying, where u know u r going to b hurt. I think answering some of the hard questions about urself instead of having ur focus on him might b a good idea. How have u been treated in the past? How do u believe u should b treated? What does it look like? I could b way off, but this is my hit on it. Blessings, u deserve to b with someone that will make u happy, laugh, trust, have fun. Life is just 2 short to b with someone that hurts u. Way 2 short. U deserve better. Freedom is worth the depth the hard questions might take u n 2.

Hi Exceptional, thanks for all that. As a rule, he is very, very good to me. It's the teen that wants to bolt that causes most of the trouble, and the hurt. There is no way I'm abandoning him. No relationship is perfect, this one just a had few unexpected surprises along the way!

One thing I DO know, is that it takes him a LONG time to trust someone enough to feel attached.

I agree what you said about singletons, too. I know I have many sides as well. There's just more continuity.

Im glad. Only we ourself can determine if it is worth it to stay or not. I know that due to abuse, there can b an attachment to it because it has been ingrained that somehow i deserve it. I just felt bad 4 u, cause u kept mentioning how much pain it caused u. The answers r n all of us, only u have urs. An i know sometimes the situation just has to b played out. Its not over till its over, so 2 speak. I sure hope i didnt offend u and im sorry if i did. Peace

Nope, you didn't offend me at all I appreciate everyone's input so much, you have no idea how helpful it is. I can't talk to anyone in "real" life (in person) about this. So I respect everyone's point of view. The one thing I will admit is that yes, I'm very afraid about being left behind. It's one of my biggest fears, though I made it clear to him quite a while back that whatever happened I just wanted him to be happy, and to feel like he was in control of his life. I'm hoping that includes me, but like I say, one day at a time.