Over three years ago I started seeing a therapist after a 25 year break from any kind of therapy, including psychiatry. Lots of trauma in my background from childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. From foster care to group homes to homelessness. I learned to depend only on self.
I started hearing voices at age 20. Voices that had their own personalities and appeared separate from self that I could converse with. It almost drove me insane but I learned how to live with them and lived this way for 25 years without breathing a word to anyone. It was not easy! I did not know the voices origin and it scared me immensely. I thought if people found out that I would be documented as ‘crazy’. I had only myself to depend on and knew if I fell that no one would be picking me up. I learned to hide my inner world and remain passable. I learned to survive.
I obtained a university degree and had a career for a number of years. I was afflicted by memory loss, forgetfulness, moodiness, frequent dissociation and a lifetime of nightmares but I learned to cover.
Over three years ago I lost my career and opted to go to therapy. It took close to 2 years before I told my therapist of the voices. She did not appear to judge or see me as crazy. She often referred to complex PTSD and appeared to normalize the voices referring to them as parts. Last year she informed me that due to the complexity of the trauma that she would be seeing another therapist more experienced with dissociation for ongoing consultations. I see my therapist once a week.
Two weeks ago I went into crises and almost walked off a job I was doing. (I now have my own business.) I could not think clearly, and could not do the job. It was like I was stupid. Words did not flow. I was also forgetting where I was putting things. I managed to stick it out knowing if I walked that I would be committing business suicide. My head became loud, my world heavy. I left a message for my T letting her know I was not feeling well and was considering going to the doctor to get meds. She called me back and supported this decision telling me how reaching out is a sign of strength.
Well, I didn’t end up going to a doctor. I couldn’t get around the stigma of doing so and felt it could harm my business should people find out about the dissociation and the voices. I also believe I risk being diagnosed as psychotic, schizophrenic, borderline etc. There is a centralized medical database where I live and my diagnoses whether right or wrong would be open for all medical staff to see.
Feeling messed up psychologically I dropped pieces of a journal off to my therapist’s office. I wanted her to know exactly what was happening to me.
When I saw her for my appointment she was visibly upset and appeared angry or resentful. I had never seen her like this before. (Maybe she was upset because I disturbed her during her time off or I was too much for her.) The first five minutes into the session she snapped at me to listen to her. I have no idea what she said but her choice of wording left me feeling humiliated and closed down. She said she could no longer contain ‘it’ by herself and kept firmly repeating I NEED . . . “I NEED a team working with you. I NEED you to have a psychiatric evaluation. I can’t do it alone! Your life is one of pain. You need to have a consultation”.
She told me she did not see the usefulness of my journal entries and that a synopsis is better. Maybe she didn't but why be so cold and mean about the approach. I wanted her to read it so she would have a clear picture of how my mind works.
She went on to speak of the crisis calls. (In three plus years of seeing her I have rarely been in crises and never to this extent.) I remember shutting my eyes for a few minutes . . . a wall went up. I felt she was beating me down intentionally. I felt like a burden.
She then asked if I remembered my last phone call to her. I told her I did and that it was to tell her I was okay and back to normal. She asked me the real point of the call and asked me to repeat what I had asked of her. I could not remember anything in particular and pulled my journal from my pocket. She angrily asked “doesn’t it concern you that you can’t remember?’ She followed by how I asked her to believe I have DID. I told her I would not have done that and referred to my journal where I specifically stated a need to know if she believed in DID, not if she believed I had it. (She has no power for diagnosis.) She told me she had it on Voicemail and asked if I wanted to hear it. I told her no and asked her to listen to it herself. She did so and realized she had made a mistake. She did not apologize for the mistake.
I also noticed during the meeting that the office was unusually quiet. No white noise. I made a comment about this but she did not get up to turn anything on. It is not soundproof in her office. I am now thinking this might have been a safety protocol. I have never been a threat to her.
I never missed appointments, was taking therapy seriously and was trusting her.
Normally I see her once a week. During this period there was a lot going on in my life and she was away for two weeks out of the month. I struggled with contacting her. She knew this.
She told me my life was one of pain and I needed medication for depression and anxiety. I do not get depressed for long. It comes in waves and will pass in minutes or hours. It comes as a heaviness or darkness. I have not hurt myself in 25 years. I am not a danger to myself or others. I feel it should be my choice to see a psychiatrist. She presented it as an ultimatum.
After leaving her office I left a couple of tearful messages. I slept on it and in the morning cancelled therapy altogether. She has not responded. I am confused and very hurt. I don’t think I will ever be in therapy again. I feel very violated and alone! I thought we had a good relationship.
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed