How are you today thread (trigger warning)

I feel out of control. I can feel myself dissociate. I never noticed it before.
I thought I was getting better at being in charge of my system but now everyone inside just says and does whatever they want. No one inside is listening to me. I'm mad about it.

bevia wrote:I feel out of control. I can feel myself dissociate. I never noticed it before.
I thought I was getting better at being in charge of my system but now everyone inside just says and does whatever they want. No one inside is listening to me. I'm mad about it.

That sounds hard. I hope it gets better for you.

I feel out of control. I can feel myself dissociate. I never noticed it before.
I thought I was getting better at being in charge of my system but now everyone inside just says and does whatever they want. No one inside is listening to me. I'm mad about it.

Sorry it's hard for your right now. I have felt just like you – it's really hard having DID sometimes! Things will get better – It's great you can notice when you're dissociating. I hope parts start listening to you soon.

I'm noticing how one of my alters was right all the time about a person I care about a lot. I can see the attempts to manipulate me from this person and I don't want to think to much about it because, after all, I care about this person and I know if I allow "myself", this alter would end up "making them pay"...

Everything is going downhill for us. I've been inpatient for the past two and a half weeks in an attempt to get help with our DID, and the doctors told my parents that it's often caused by trauma. They asked if anything happened, and my parents said that they didn't know. So my mom called my best friend, who told her that she didn't know what, but something did happen. She told her to call my childhood best friend, because she knew. When my mom called her, the friend told her that "I" told her that my dad abused us starting when we were 7. That's also the age that Kelly is, and the age that we started dissociating. I don't remember that entire year. Kelly was apparently the one who told her, and I didn't know because I only found out about Kelly recently. Now Kelly feels extremely guilty, and thinks that she was the reason I found out. Not only that, but she's crying all the time because "it's not fair" and she doesn't want to remember. She's having a lot of flashbacks, and I don't know what to do to help. Michael's furious that I found out, and mostly everyone else feels the same way. I'm so scared, because everyone is freaking out and I don't know what to do. Not only that, but I'm terrified to think that I don't even remember that. I have no recollection. How could I not know something like that? And I keep having this same flashback now, and it terrifies me. And to top it all off, we were told that our ex tried to kill herself on Monday and is in the hospital in our home town (not the one we're in). Michael is furious about that, too, and everyone is sad. And I can't let myself feel anything, because someone else will come out if I do, and I just can't do this anymore.

I've been away for a while. It's refreshing to be back, but this place is a mess. Good thing I'll have a real weekend this weekend, so I can clean it all up (both outside and inside — and in-between!) just the way I want it. ("The in-between" is my computer.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gy_zq_YuQQ

Lately I've been feeling down. I don't even know who I am or... I don't know, I just finding so confusing lots of things. My family lately have been saying how I was very social, how I could talk with any person and they would love to talk to me (I was gonna to say 'us'. lol)

I'm not a social person, I just care about few people, and even so, lately it's like I can't really feel at all, it's like pretending to feel and it's exhausting. Everyone wants the 'old me' but I can't be that person, I don't even know how I could be so extrovert and so.

I'm worried about so many things, I get to the point where I don't know if I can be okay by myself and I hate to think about that.

I want to be the 'old me', so I could do everything I have to without letting down to anyone. I would be a better son, better friend, better... everything.

My head is such a mess right now. I want to figure out what is going on, and I'm pretty sure I have, but the complexity of the situation still leaves me with the foul taste of budding denial in my mouth.
Things are rarely what they originally appear, especially in regards to DID. I should know this by now...?

Sad about the past but happy in the present. Feeling strong pain over past attachments, thinking it was me, it was my fault, but knowing it wasn't. I feel pulled back to past, trying to work out what I did wrong. If I let go and accept it wasn't me, then I have to accept that some people are horrible and that's scary. I have big one there for me now though and she will look after me. I need love and kindness but it doesn't feel right when I get it. I don't feel like I deserve it but she is right I do, and they were horrible and I needed protection. They should have protected me. I feel like I am healing. I feel better, but I feel pulled back to the past. If I let go, I accept I had no control. But in the present big one is an adult and she has control and can protect us. She can always get away.

By a few parts (A: 'with big ones help and all she has taught me/us')

I'm okay today. School tomorrow. Feeling okay about it. Trying to think positive.